Janet and John. (SRP Writers' exercise)

[fuckmeat]

This may fall flat on its ass as most of you guys are in the Americas, but here goes.

In the UK we have a veteran radio presenter (recently retired) called Sir Terry Wogan. He's famous here for his 'Janet and John' stories. He reads them in a slow, melodic style, as one would read a child's fairytale. The Janet and John stories are mildly adult and quite funny though. They have kept British radio listeners amused for years.

Here's a script of one of these stories, read aloud exactly as you'd read a very basic storybook to a small child.

John is in the bath.

See the bubbles. Splish, splash.

Janet has gone to the shops to buy some salad.

Do you like salad? John does.

There is someone at the door. Hear the doorbell 'Ding-Dong!

'Hear John say some rude words.

Do you know any rude words? John knows lots.

See John run down the stairs and open the door in his bathrobe.

Why do you think John has a door in his bathrobe?

See Mrs. Dix the post-lady at the door.

'Hello Mr. Marsh' says Mrs. Dix.

'Hello Mrs. Dix' says John.

Mrs' Dix says. 'I have a parcel for you Mr. Marsh. Is it one of your special video films about people who have lost all their clothes?'

See John blush. Paint John's cheeks red.

'No' says John, 'it is some organ music I have been waiting for.

'Mrs. Dix says 'Is that your organ I can see, the big shiny one?'

'Yes' says John, 'it's a 7-stop 2-manual 1938 Woodstock pipe organ but I can't use it at the moment as pumping it makes Janet's arm ache'.

'I could pump it for you' says Mrs. Dix.

Kind Mrs. Dix.

'That would be lovely' says John, 'but you have to pump quite hard to get it started as my bellows are rather old and perished'.

See Mrs. Dix pumping.

Pump-pump-pump.

Hear John play Bach's Prelude & Fugue in D major. Clever John.

Mrs. Dix says 'That was lovely Mr. Marsh'.

See John blush again.

See Janet arrive home.

'Hello Mrs. Marsh' puffs Mrs. Dix.

'Mr. Marsh was showing me the organ in his bathrobe. He can do some wonderful things with it - even though he is out of practice'.

Can you swoop down like a wolf on the fold?

Janet Can.

See Janet get a big green cucumber out of her bag.

Are you sitting comfortably?

John isn't.

Poor John.

Most of the stories end with 'Poor John' as Janet definitely wears the trousers. Here on Lit though, the sky's the limit. See if you can write a short story in a similar way featuring Janet and John [or Janet and Julie, or James and John, or even Janet, Julie, James, John and a local woman of ill repute, whatever the hell suits you] and you can of course be as suggestive as you like, but the trick and therefore the skill is in being rude without being totally crude.

To give you an idea of what I mean, here's Terry Wogan reading another Janet and John story on YouTube.

We could even start a never-ending Janet and John saga! That would be awesome.

 

[yeishia]

*giggles* I had forgotten all about those.

We have Dick & Jane to

See Spot ........he he.

and Andy Pandy Teddy and Luby Loo

Do you remember those?

Lots of naughty British stuff ..got to love us

 

[fuckmeat]

I heard some the other day and they made me smile.