I've never tried to write a Female POV before

[RandyD1369]

I've never tried to write a Female POV before.

Shelter From the Storm in Group Sex just went up, today 23 Mar 2020.

So, how badly did I screw it up? Is it believable? Did I make the POV character seem real? Any other comments/advice are also welcome.

Thanks in advance.
Randy

My stories are here: https://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=5198496&page=submissions

 

[NotWise]

So, how badly did I screw it up? Is it believable? Did I make the POV character seem real? Any other comments/advice are also welcome.

The anatomy seemed right.

None of the characters were particularly real to me, but I think you were going more for stroke value than character development.

 

[RandyD1369]

Thanks.

 

[yukonnights]

You wrote;

It was Tuesday evening and I was still mad from Saturday night's party. Tom, my lunk of a husband, had spent the whole evening counting the freckles on our hostess's cleavage. Okay, Meg has nice boobs and it was a bimbo-dress, but damnit, he's my husband. He should've been looking at me, even if I'm not much to see. I'm just a thirty-four-year-old hag with twenty extra pounds and young crow's feet practicing to be buzzard's claws.
———————————————————

To me this sounds like a male wrote it.

Here's another try;

It was Tuesday evening and I was still hurt from Saturday night's party. Tom really embarrassed me. The way he ogled our hostess made me feel stupid. It was stupid, he acted stupid. Yeah, she's the hostess — she has to look the part. A glance of appreciation, that's fine — men are gonna be men. But dammit, if this is the way he acts when I'm with him, it makes me wonder what he's up to when I'm not there. That little thing, Meg, was maybe twenty-three. We're ten years older, and he sure isn't twenty-three anymore himself.

But it hurts. Makes me feel like shit actually. I wonder if he's cheating on me? Would he do that to me and the kids?

****

My opinion, I don't think a female would be thinking about the other woman's "nice boobs", same with; "I'm just a thirty-four-year-old hag with twenty extra pounds and young crow's feet practicing to be buzzard's claws."

Like all humans, there is no one "female POV". Now if what you wrote matches the character you wrote, then maybe she would be hurt, ashamed and worried. But it doesn't sound like any woman I ever knew.

In general, you have to get into the female character's head. You have to try to think like a female. But, as I said above; It has to be the one female you are trying to write about. Hope that helps.

 

[LWulf]

Sorry, a lot more than "is it female POV" answered

stlgoddessfreya has a thread "ask a woman" which isn't a story review thread as much as a group discussion about all things woman. Not helpful now to you but before attempting again, maybe ask a few questions there.

Hindsight suggestion: it has been suggested that you write the story from a male point of view, then simply change the pronouns, to write from the female perspective.

Okay, I'm already confused in the first paragraph.
"It's hard to be a smiling, cheerful salesperson when you're pissed."
So, everyone is angry with her, and she's "pissed"? Or, she is "pissed" and that resulted in everyone buying less from her? While story development is key to good writing, and making the reader wonder what is going on is part of good story telling, the bread crumb trail you've left is a little sparse.

"I'm just a thirty-four-year-old hag with twenty extra pounds and young crow's feet practicing to be buzzard's claws."
I don't think anybody would proudly say this, and is the reference to "crows feet" an allusion to wrinkles around the eyes? If so, what is "young crow's feet" and thereby the reference to "buzzard claws"? Things can't be two things at the same time. You can see an early onset of "crow's feet" and worry that it looks much worse. Do you see what I did there? I gave a visual and informed of a supplemental feeling related to that. I think this is what you aimed for, but didn't express well enough.

"a risky, narrow, white place between the overhanging trees."
You could have done better here.

Okay, you make reference to "picturesque" and "normally pretty" descriptions of the road, which is fine! However, then you make pointed reference to "the Berkshires" and "Route 2." Either go with one, or the other. If it's famous enough by name-dropping it, then it shouldn't need to be described. If it needs to be described, then it probably isn't famous enough to name-drop.

I'm going to probably harp on something inconsequential.
"When I saw the cheery glow of the motel..."
"a" motel, not "the" motel. "The" sounds like it's not summarily mention, but of some import(ance). We'll see as I read further, but I suspect the location isn't critical to the point of the story, thus "a" motel.

"I was mad..." "Tom could be mad..." Try varying your adjectives, preferably not with "pissed."

"There was already a foot of snow in the parking lot and in seconds, it had packed hard and high..."
A foot of snow fell in seconds?!? In a few seconds snow packed high and hard?!? Either way, hyperbole isn't enough to explain this situation.

"Mid-thirties can be a tough age."
This sounds like an introspection from someone much older recounting former days, not something a 34 year old would muss over.

"The Joneses will be next to the fireplace. He's big, prob'ly wearin' a plaid shirt. The missus is about your size and build, blond hair, prob'ly wearin' a too-short skirt."
Has the inn-keeper become clairvoyant, and why is he giving a description of folks she'll know by being in the room she has a key to? Describing that they're "a nice enough couple" who've stayed there in the past is fine, but the rest...
That he needs to describe who they are, suggests that they are in bungalows, or cabins, instead of rooms off the parking lot.

As a rule of thumb, "H"otels have "H"allways, while "M"otels don't and neither normally would feature a fireplace. I don't know what sort of place you're describing in your story, an Inn perhaps? A Lodge? A Resort?
Nit-picking, experienced traveler here.

"I can't believe he had any idea how much fun the night would be."
Again, temporal commentary, changes the story from "as it happens" to "reading a page from my diary."

"...Robby was big. ...Sally truly was... They were both drinking a heated spicy potion, something dark and sweet..."
The speaker has become all-knowing that she has foreknowledge of their names, and by looking knows how something they are drinking; tastes??? You can tell something is hot by the steam it gives off, or how they gingerly hold it. You might think it's anything other than coffee, if it's in a glass. You MIGHT notice an aroma that hints at "spicy" but unless it's molasses, it's pushing it to suggest you can tell it's sweet.
Plus, where, in a blizzard, did they come by this feature? Hints at more than a "motel."

"I'm Lori, short for Loretta..."
Is this flirtatiousness? I'm not used to people giving a full accounting of their first name, without ulterior motives.

"She (Sally) was tilting her chair back on its two rear legs" preceded by "Sally truly was built like me, but was a little shorter"
How, was this leap in logic divined? I suspect I'll be seeing more divined knowledge as I read on. You can't tell how short or tall a person is while they are seated.

"Too bad you didn't bring your husband," Sally giggled.
Yup, all the characters seem to have divine knowledge. You could make this passage less divine by prefacing it with something like: "Sally spotted my wedding ring, 'I see you're married. Too bad you didn't bring your husband' "

Aha! Now we are t̶o̶l̶d̶ inferred the fireplace is in a common room, and not in their "motel" room, which explains the innkeeper's descriptions.

Logic trail:
"old fashioned jukebox filled with old fashioned (redundant) 45 RPM records."
"I picked some of everything..."
"The first number was a rap song"
...so, apparently, rap was around in the old days when they had old fashioned 45's???

"Sally was up and moving to the music within the first three bars. God, she was confident. She moved her hips and chest to the beat as if making love to an unseen stranger, with passion, with power. Just watching her abandoned dance made me envious."
To me, this comes across as a man's writing. Also, it seems that marriage is only a meaningless word to "Lori," until it means holding Tom to accountability.

I'm not a woman but I've tried dancing with a (younger (early twenties)) woman I just met while possessing an (some) erection (me too in my early twenties), and the gist was they would rather not press up against you, in that instance. A woman you know, whom you have history with) sure thing.
Perhaps an 'older broad' in her 'dirty thirties' would get titillated by the notion, while she is having insecurity issues, I don't know, but it seems unlikely.

"Honey, I just got us another round," Robby protested.
So, the "motel" has a bar too? Sounding less like a motel you ask me.

"We fought through the gale of sloppy-wet snow..."
Some people call that "slush," which doesn't usually occur in foot deep hard packed snow. Consistency. Keep your story straight.

As I get to the point they're getting ready for bed, I'm thinking this seems more like fantasy rather than realistic. Nothing wrong with that, but asking for speculation on if a woman's POV seems realistic, is because you're trying to write...realistically.
In fantasy, all answers are 'yes' without ever a hint of "no."

"Make it a GOOD kiss," she commanded.
My, Sally is quite the little bossy-draws.

Not a bad story, although the ending seemed a bit rushed. As I suspected, THE "No Tell" Motel, never became more than barely mentioned. As far as your writing a woman's point of view, I'd say you got it half write [sic]. Some was more speculative, and others more fantasy based, but I'd say half of it seemed like a female character.

Cheers.

 

[RandyD1369]

Thanks for the notes, Yukon & LW. I appreciate your having taken the time to help.
Randy