I've been rejected :(

[coochie]

Could someone please help me make my story so it won't get rejected for under aged sex


This is not a very funny story. The princess doesn’t get swept off her feet in the end. There are no heroes or heroines, and happily ever after is still a dream. What it is, is a story about a girl name Jamie, me, and what happened on a day that started out to be great.

It started off as a great Saturday. I finished all the things I needed to do in the house and got ready to go out and play football with my friends. Yes, that’s right, football. I never really had any girl friends and the boys all like to play football, so we played football together.

Steven, Rayford, Burt and I had been friends forever, but they were still boys. When we played now, they tried harder to feel me up than to score points. I usually won, but they were never mad about that. I wore a padded bra, because they would squeeze my breasts if they could get close enough. I wore my football jersey, Capri jeans, and cross trainers. I learned how to make good moves from all the times we played football together.

Really, they were the only real friends that I had, and I didn’t mind them feeling me up or more sometimes. They always stuck up for me when people would talk behind my back. They were my friends.

We went out in the tall grass where the trees had been mowed down for electric poles. The cool thing was no one would disturb our game, because nobody ever came out there. The grass was soft too, so I never got bruised when they tackled me.

I had real game that day, or they were just sluggish. Anyways, they barely could get a hand on me. They even tried cheating, but I was moving really well. Steven tackled me one time but I got up before Burt and Rayford could dog pile on top of me.

After a while, I started letting them tackle me more but not where they could dog pile on top of me together. The field was big, so they had to spread out to catch me. When they tackled me, they would rub my butt, crotch, or boobs. It was all in fun. We were having lots of fun running around out their.

I got really sweaty from all the exertion, and their constant feeling and groping had made me horny. I had a pretty good lead on them, so I took the football and ran into the woods. There was I little pond in the woods just deep enough to swim in, and I knew they knew where I was headed.

I found the path we had eventually made from the many times we had been down there, and tried to get in the water before they caught me. I pulled off my jersey and dropped it on the path to give them a hint.

I got to the edge and took off my shoes and pants. As soon as I got in the water, all three of them came splashing in the cool water. I swam and splashed water to keep them off me. I was a better swimmer than Burt and Rayford, but Steven could keep up with me.

I managed to pants Rayford and we played keep away with his shorts. Rayford was able grab hold of my panties. I kicked away from him before Burt and Steven could get over to help him, but he got my panties off before I could get away.

Rayford put my panties on his head, and the three of them came after me. I stayed away from them for a while, but eventually Steven tackled me in the shallow water and then Rayford and Burt pinned me down. They didn’t hold my arms too tight and I didn’t struggle too hard, because I really hated getting bruises on my body. They respected that, so we didn’t get too rough.

I wiggled around as Steven tried to guide his thing in me and I laughed and joked with Rayford and Burt about it. Steven had a good sized thing, about six inches or so and it curved down. They were all circumcised, which I liked. Rayford had the longest thing, about an inch longer than Steven’s and Burt’s and it curve up. Burt’s thing was thicker and looked like a much older man’s thing.

I laid on the edge half out the water humping up to Steven as he thrust his hard thing into me. Rayford and Burt each played with my boobs. They were never rough with me, so I was never scared to do it with them. It was like all three of them were going out with me. A lot of girls hated that, because Steven was really cute. Rayford and Burt were cute too, but Steven was really cute.

Rayford always made me cum, because the way his thing was shaped and the way he moved it inside of me. I didn’t moan or anything, because they would surely have made fun of me. We watched lots of porn movies together and made fun of the sounds that were made.

There was another boy that hung out with us, but his mother threatened to cut him off if he continued to hang with us. What happened was his dad pinned me in their garage and forced me in the back seat of his car and did me. His mother came out and caught his dad doing me. She threatened to tell everyone that I was a liar if I told. I wasn’t going to tell anyone anyway. I had a bad enough reputation already. I wasn’t going to give people more stuff to talk about me. It wasn’t like it was the first time someone forced me. But, his name was Joey and he was fun to hang with.

Burt felt really good inside of me, because he was thicker. It was like he got me all the way there, but no finish. He lasted a good long time too. We kept switching until they couldn’t get hard anymore.

They would tell me that I was the prettiest and had a better body than any of the girls around. I thought I was better looking too. I mean, I didn’t have any scars or pimples on my face. I never had any babies. I could go braless if my nipples wouldn’t stick through my shirt, and my butt stuck out. I didn’t wear much makeup, just some lipstick and eye liner. Men were always checking me out.

I knew that Steven, Rayford, and Burt bragged about having sex with me. When girls would ask me about one of them I would boast about how good they were. They were my friends and I wanted them to be happy about that.

We did some kissing and stuff before we went our own way just before diner time. My mother bitched about the sun rising, so I tried to give her little to talk about. My friend’s folks gave them grief too for hanging with a girl with such a bad reputation. They didn’t care, but it was easier to deal without the hassles.

I just wish I had realized that I had a dirt hand print over one of my boobs before my mother saw me in my jersey. She proceeded to call me a filthy slut and a tramp. I’d heard that so much from her that it just sounded like her terms of endearment for me. She probably wished she had aborted me.

I skipped diner, not wanting to hear her voice, and stayed in my room listening to music with my headphones on. After a few hours, I went to take a shower. I hurried when I got undressed to get in the shower, because I always felt like my mother way spying on me to see if I was doing drugs or something in the bathroom. I wrapped myself in a towel before I stepped from behind the shower curtain.

My bedroom seemed like the only haven I had, though I wasn’t allowed locks on my door, and I knew someone snooped around in their when I wasn’t home. I kept it neat and clean and I didn’t keep a diary or anything else hidden. The good thing was that no one messed with me when I was in my room.

The only thing was getting from the bathroom to my bedroom in my towel. My dad stared at me harder than he usually did. He wasn’t what I would call a real father. I mean, he got my mother pregnant and paid the bills, though he made sure that everyone knew anytime he paid for anything. Other than that, he didn’t have anything to do with me unless he was checking me out. He carried on affairs with other women in our house, so basically he was a paycheck. He was staring at me hard for even him. I got a weird feeling, but it wore off when I got in my room.

I pulled my hair back in a ponytail and started putting moisturizer on my body as usual. My coochie was still throbbing from playing with the boys at the pond for so long. I had given myself a fresh shave in the shower, so I inspected it closely with my hand mirror. I checked out the bottoms of my feet to make sure that they getting rough from having sneakers on. I inspected my toenails too, because sometimes I like wearing sandals and I like my feet looking pretty.

I didn’t bruise easy, but I knew that men could cause them easily. My guys were careful with me and I had no marks from playing football. I put on a pair of white cotton panties and my pajamas before starting to brush my hair.

I felt really pretty looking at myself in the mirror. My hair was thin and straight. I was more like a dirty blonde, but I liked the natural color of my hair. My hazel eyes usually only changed from light brown to green. I tried my best to take care of myself.

I went to get a glass of water before bed and got that same weird stare from my father. At least my mother was gone to work. She had a way of giving me grief no matter what. I hurried back to my room and went to bed.

I usually kick all the covers off during while I slept, but I felt like I was having an out of control dream. Not a nightmare. I just felt like I was being pulled and twisted. I felt a sharp pain at my wrists. I opened my eyes and saw my father over me.

My dad had come into my bedroom, removed all my clothes, and was laying over me trying to get his thing inside of me.

“Be quiet and don’t make any noise,” he huffed at me while squeezing my wrists tighter.

I had been in that position before, though I wouldn’t have thought that my own father would be one of the people who would do this to me. My next thought was the pain that I was feeling at my wrists.

“Please don’t make a mark on my arms. You’re holding them too tight,” I pleaded with him.

“Okay, but you better not move,” he changed positions and let go of my wrists.

I turned my head staring at the reflection of light shiny through the window as he guided his thick thing inside of me. I spread my legs wider, because his thing was stretching me. He didn’t force it in. He moved it back and forth, pushing more in me as I loosened up.

I wished that he was anyone else besides my own father. I felt so humiliated. He didn’t care about me. He didn’t care that I was his daughter. I was no different to him than any other women.

His thing felt like Burt’s. He moved it slowly all the way in and just about all the way out. He was steady and calm, unlike my friends. I tried to imagine that he was someone else. A movie star, maybe.

I tried to be as still as I could, while he screwed me. I could feel every curve of his thing. I bit down on my bottom lip and closed my eyes, but eventually I was moving with him. I thought hard about Burt as I arched my pelvis to take the thick thing.

He put his face in my neck and slid his hands under my shoulders, pulling me down as he pushed his thing up in me. Again and again he pushed and pushed and pushed.

I balled the sheets in my fists and curled my toes as I had an orgasm. I thought, why should I care that he’s my father if he did not. He kept pushing his thing in me and I started pushing back just as much as he did.

He slid his hand down my back and squeezed one of my butt-cheeks. I pushed up more and rolled my hips. He started breathing faster and pushing his thing faster. I strained as I began having another orgasm.

I could feel the rush of his cum shooting inside of me. My bed made a lot of noise. I felt dizzy like I was going to pass-out. He squeezed me tight. I could feel him shaking. He laid still on top of me and his body pinned me.

His thing eventually began to shrink, and it slipped out. He seemed to struggle with his own weight as he got off me. I watched him leave and shut the door behind himself.

I fought back my tears. I liked it. I shouldn’t have liked it. It felt good. It shouldn’t have felt good. What would he think of me? He would know that I liked it.

I pulled the covers over me. I didn’t sleep. I waited and the house was quiet. I eventually feel asleep.

Early the next morning I was startled awake by the crash of my bedroom door opening and my mother’s yelling. She rushed over to my bed and swung to hit me, but I raised my arms with the covers and blocked her. My dad pulled her back, but not out of my room.

She called me a whore and accused me of teasing my father into my bed. Judging by what she was saying, he must have confessed what he had done to me. She said that I deserved it. It didn’t help that I hadn’t put back on my pajamas that my father had taken off me.

She declared that the rumors she heard about some boys raping me probably was true, but that I deserved it, and needed to be raped. I didn’t know how to respond. She ordered me not to leave my bedroom.

Everything got quiet in the house for a while, and then I heard the sounds of sex moans. It was the kind of moans that my friends and I made fun of. It was obvious that my father and mother were having sex.

There bedroom was next to mine, so I could hear the sound of their bed moving. She was declaring that her pussy was better than mine to him. That made me feel a bit sick at the stomach.

I got my pajamas on and curled up on my bed and listened to my parents having sex nearly the entire day. I concluded that I could like the feel of my father doing me, but that didn’t mean that had to like that he did it. I had a feeling that he would take me again which he did, and I didn’t feel bad about enjoying the feeling. What else could I do?

 

[snooper]

Replace "Steven, Rayford, Burt and I had been friends forever, but they were still boys." with "Steven, Rayford, Burt and I had been friends since first grade, fifteen years ago, but they still behaved like boys." and resubmit with a note in the notes box that first grade plus fifteen years makes them all at least twenty years old.

 

[coochie]

Replace "Steven, Rayford, Burt and I had been friends forever, but they were still boys." with "Steven, Rayford, Burt and I had been friends since first grade, fifteen years ago, but they still behaved like boys." and resubmit with a note in the notes box that first grade plus fifteen years makes them all at least twenty years old.

Thank you so much.

 

[kbate]

The entire story sounded as if written about underage sexual encounters. Playing with numbers will not change that fact. Calling a penis a 'thing', 'pantsing' someone, and living at home with parents who confine your heroine to her room as punishment does not give the story the flavour of legimitate sexual encounters.

In addition, you have many grammar errors and a few spellings which are improper.

Check your spelling, your "there, their" usage and please make an attempt to write the story as if the heroine is home from college and having sex with some old school pals.

 

[snooper]

The entire story sounded as if written about underage sexual encounters. Playing with numbers will not change that fact.

It has worked often enough for other people.

In addition, you have many grammar errors and a few spellings which are improper.

coochie didn't ask for a full edit, so I only answered the question.

I... make an attempt to write the story as if the heroine is home from college and having sex with some old school pals.

Only if it doesn't get past next time. Otherwise I would advise just posting it elsewhere, rather than change the story coochie obviously wanted to write.

 

[kbate]

It has worked often enough for other people..

While it works, it is still improper and as a practice, such should be avoided. We walk the line of government tolerance with this site as it is, and stories should be written in such a manner to make it clear that the characters are of legal age at the time of their sexual encounters.

I can get nearly anything through the vetting and onto the board that I want, but "should I" is a better question.

I always offer editorial advice for writers in need of such, that is why I informed coochie of the existence of errors in the manuscript.

 

[BlackSnake]

<snip* snap*>

 

[fieryjen]

I think you are complete wrong.....

I think it is our duties as authors to push to the very edge of social norms...sorry, the social police would love to make a smelly over this popular site, but don't be fool into thinking that the US government gives a shit, besides they loose the fight. If you don't know why they'd loss, them maybe you are not as learned as you might think.

stop running scared...Lit rules are for the basic standards of the owners. Even the new child protection laws don't touch fiction.

There is a reason that most porn site no longer show a warning before showing what's offered.

I walked int Borders Books and order a copy of my underage incest butt fucking collection.

"Pimpin' aint dead dem ho's jus scad!"

I have to say, I agree with kbate on this one. It doesn't seem right to try and get around the age restriction in such a way. There are enough sites out there who will accept underage sex stories where this one could be published. When I read something on Lit, I expect not to have the feeling of just having walked into a sex scene with middle school kids, even if the first paragraph states that they're eighteen.

 

[kbate]

I think you are complete wrong.....

I think it is our duty as authors to push to the very edge of social norms...sorry, the social police would love to make a smelly over this popular site, but don't be fooled into thinking that the US government gives a shit, besides they loose the fight. If you don't know why they'd lose, them maybe you are not as learned as you might think.

I am well aware of the constitution, and I am also well aware that the Supreme Court has ruled (multiple times) that obscenity is not covered by freedom of speech. Child sex, and graphic depictions of underage sex, have been ruled obscene.

Perhaps Lit's owners have a good reason for the rules, as any depiction of child sexual encounters can be attacked under obscenity law, and force the site into an expensive and perhaps ruinous trial and/or lawsuit. Fiction or not, if the purpose is to titillate and the media is children, the government has a case.

As to duty, it is our duty to the owners, who provide a free place for our writings, to follow their rules as they have asked, and as we agreed when we signed up.

That we can sneak anything onto the site does not make it right. The thread starter's story does not include the "this is a work of fiction..." disclaimer which publishers require of every single novel containing any questionable material.

 

[LadyCibelle]

That we can sneak anything onto the site does not make it right. The thread starter's story does not include the "this is a work of fiction..." disclaimer which publishers require of every single novel containing any questionable material.

You're absolutery right Kate...it doesn't make it right.

And even if the writer had put a disclaimer I still think it's questionnable and objectionnable. I'm not prude, far from it, but as FieryJen said earlier, when I open a story to read I don't want to feel as if I'm in the middle of a sex scene involving kids.

I know that kids have sex younger and younger nowadays but it's no reason to feed the pedophiles' fantasies by letting stories like that appear on Lit.

There are hundreds of website where those kinds of stories are offered. Lit doesn't and it's good enough for me....no matter their reasons for refusing them.

 

[snooper]

... As to duty, it is our duty to the owners, who provide a free place for our writings, to follow their rules as they have asked, and as we agreed when we signed up. ...

No. I write what I want to write - they post what they want to post. Those are the privileges of both parties, and I have no duty to write what they want until they have a reciprocal duty to post everything I write.

... That we can sneak anything onto the site does not make it right. The thread starter's story does not include the "this is a work of fiction..." disclaimer which publishers require of every single novel containing any questionable material.

I didn't try to make a judgement as to the morality or otherwise of the story; all I did was answer the perfectly reasonable request:

Could someone please help me make my story so it won't get rejected for under aged sex

 

[kbate]

I didn't try to make a judgement as to the morality or otherwise of the story; all I did was answer the perfectly reasonable request:

I do judge, content and suitability for publication under the site rules are part of what I consider to be within the domain of a "Literotica Volunteer Editor". I am not judging your morality or any other person's morality, simply the merit of the story as concerns the website rules. I feel this story requires major changes to meet the established guidelines.

Nobody is telling you or anyone else what to write, only that I will not rubber stamp writing that I do not consider to be within this website's standard for publication.

 

[LadyCibelle]

I do judge, content and suitability for publication under the site rules are part of what I consider to be within the domain of a "Literotica Volunteer Editor". I am not judging your morality or any other person's morality, simply the merit of the story as concerns the website rules. I feel this story requires major changes to meet the established guidelines.

Nobody is telling you or anyone else what to write, only that I will not rubber stamp writing that I do not consider to be within this website's standard for publication.

What you said...a thousand times!

 

[BlackSnake]

I have to say, I agree with kbate on this one. It doesn't seem right to try and get around the age restriction in such a way. There are enough sites out there who will accept underage sex stories where this one could be published. When I read something on Lit, I expect not to have the feeling of just having walked into a sex scene with middle school kids, even if the first paragraph states that they're eighteen.

You are judging this story based on your preception. This is not an underaged sex story. You don't know anyone staying with their controlling parents? Everyone don't go around saying dick, cunt, cock, and pussy. Language is what's exceptable to the speaker and listener. I tell you, I don't even curse in front of women. Just ain't fitten. Some people feel better calling it a coochie instead of a cunt or pussy. I think the story's setting show the restrict environment of all the characters.

 

[BlackSnake]

<snip* snap*>

 

[LadyCibelle]

You gots to be kidding me....



Seems to be you are letting this Volunteer Editor thing go to your head. Why don't you just say, it shouldn't be on Lit because it sounds underaged to me.

The voice suppose to sound innocent...shit!

Snakey...you know I love you to piece...but this time I have to say you don't know your ass from a hole in the wall.

Your comment to Kbate is way out of line and unjustified. The story DOES read like an underaged one and I stand behind anyone who says it!

It has nothing to do with letting the VE go to ones head. We, the VE, don't have much power, that much is true, but we have to respect Lit's rules and the rule clearly state no underaged content will be accepted.

As for "the voice" of the story...sorry to say but it doesn't sound innocent or young adults controlled by overprotective parents, it simply read like someone trying to pass underage content as young adults.

 

[BlackSnake]

<snip* snap*>
(PS...sorry for striking out at you kbate.)

 

[kbate]

The OP has not returned to discuss this subject and likely will submit this story as written with only the change required to manipulate the character ages. We will see if that was enough to get this story onto Lit in short order.

Perhaps coochie will be back to complain about poor comments and low votes when it rates a 2.5 for poor grammar, underage sex and general blandness.

 

[BlackSnake]

<snip* snap*>

 

[kbate]

Don't be to sure....everyone do not opperate inside of small groups of like minded people. Do you get comments on your stories from anyone other than the usual suspects?

Do you consider the writing of this story to be good? I find it basic and unexciting in nearly every way. Ignoring the underage thing completely, I still find the entire story to be somewhat bland and simplistic. The two there/their errors, the redundancy and cliche in the opening, the irrelevancy in the center (the aside about the fourth boy) and a few other things make this effort something less than exciting to me.

Opinion, others may find it hot, but I would have a hard time rating this story above 2.

 

[BlackSnake]

Do you consider the writing of this story to be good? I find it basic and unexciting in nearly every way. Ignoring the underage thing completely, I still find the entire story to be somewhat bland and simplistic. The two there/their errors, the redundancy and cliche in the opening, the irrelevancy in the center (the aside about the fourth boy) and a few other things make this effort something less than exciting to me.

Opinion, others may find it hot, but I would have a hard time rating this story above 2.

You opinion is completely acceptable, but consider the readers. I'm willing to bet that even if you rated it a 2, the feedback that she'd get will far out weight that. Its the effect the story have on the reader that is most important.

In my opinion, (two there/their errors) I don't care as a reader if it was five. You say bland and simple, I say good rhythm and readable. Most readers are incredibly forgiving.

I'm willing to bet that she wouldn't turn her nose up if you were being helpful.

 

[kbate]

You opinion is completely acceptable, but consider the readers. I'm willing to bet that even if you rated it a 2, the feedback that she'd get will far out weight that. Its the effect the story have on the reader that is most important.

In my opinion, (two there/their errors) I don't care as a reader if it was five. You say bland and simple, I say good rhythm and readable. Most readers are incredibly forgiving.

I'm willing to bet that she wouldn't turn her nose up if you were being helpful.

She has not asked for assistance in other than getting the story accepted on the site. I can do that for her by:

Steven, Rayford, Burt and I had been friends for years , but they still played like boys. Since we turned eighteen, they had tried harder to feel me up than to score points.....

 

[BlackSnake]

<snip* snap*>

 

[kbate]

This is not a romance story....Edited for TMI

I was about to ask for links to the information in the edited post.

I am somewhat intrigued, perhaps you can provide such in PM if not on the open board.

 

[LadyCibelle]

You opinion is completely acceptable, but consider the readers. I'm willing to bet that even if you rated it a 2, the feedback that she'd get will far out weight that. Its the effect the story have on the reader that is most important.

In my opinion, (two there/their errors) I don't care as a reader if it was five. You say bland and simple, I say good rhythm and readable. Most readers are incredibly forgiving.

I'm willing to bet that she wouldn't turn her nose up if you were being helpful.

The effect on the reader???? What effect?? Apart from boring the reader to tears and make his laugh his head off I don't see much effect in that story.

What grown woman would call a man's cock a "thing" or "thingie" a whole story huh? It's plain to see the story is written by someone who has no idea what's exciting and enticing for a reader.