its not a pleasent topic but i just need advice or something

[SxSnake]

i know this a strange topic to ask about and i know its not the best of all places "personals" but i need some advice from your all you wonderful caring people at lit.. how do you deal or are dealing with someone close to you dying? please help with any advice or thoughts you might have.. thank you i appreciate any help that you may have.

 

[Spare_Change]

i know this a strange topic to ask about and i know its not the best of all places "personals" but i need some advice from your all you wonderful caring people at lit.. how do you deal or are dealing with someone close to you dying? please help with any advice or thoughts you might have.. thank you i appreciate any help that you may have.

First and foremost, my condolences. These are trying times.

Deal with it? You dont -- you just live your life the way you always have. The person who is dying hasn't changed -- he/she is still the same person -- it's only his/her health that has changed. Don't you dare change just because their health has.

Treat them normally -- focus on today. Live it to the fullest. Make it the best day of your life, and of his/her life. They don't want your pity or your tears -- they want your love, your support.

Don't hide from it-- it's not a secret. They know -- and they know you know. Wishing doesn't make it go away, and neither does ignoring it. Share it. Be part of it. Love them for it, and they will love you in return.

They are on a journey - a journey in which they must take the final steps alone. But, they want you there - holding their hand, walking toward that end together.

Grief? Despair? Of course -- but deal with yours alone. They desperately do not want to be troublesome to their loved ones, or the reason for their pain.

I have been there -- the first time I focused on me, the second time on them -- it was only the third time that I realized it was US.

Good luck and Godspeed.

 

[slowndeep]

Hi Snake , this is a real tough one . You don't elaborate on what your relationship is with the dying person - I understand that too , but answering would be a little easier then. I've lost my Mother and four really good friends in the last four years - it happens more and more frequently as we get older The best advise I can give is try and be uplifting around the person - talk about old times and the fun you shared. If it's your partner or parent ,then talk of the shared love and the closeness that you experienced.

It's difficult , we're all different and react to situations is so many ways , but I do believe in trying to make their final days as good as they can possibly be.

Keep your chin up and just do the best you can,
Pete

 

[SxSnake]

i thank you both deeply from my heart

i know its a difficult time and both of you are right.. i must be as strong as i can be.. and share as much time as i can with that person and make those last few moments of their life the best i can.. i shouldn't weigh the situation down more.. by being upset and with that person because i don't want them to feel bad that they are causing pain.. to the ones she loves the most.. once again i thank all of you who.. posted something "im sorry i type slow.. its just difficult"

 

[bamagirl]

Hi,
I think Spare_Change said it all.Great advice you gave hun.
I work with death n dying on a daily basis and with the familys...It is never easy for anyone.If you would like to talk please pm me.I would be glad to listen and try to answer questions you might have.

 

[Guest]

Have to agree with Spare Change. It's a tough time for everyone and you must find the strength to carry on. When a love one leaves they are only gone physically, but will remain in your heart, mind and soul forever. You will have all the fond memories to think back on and they will still make you smile and laugh.

I know, my dad has been gone for 36 years and I still miss him.

Hang in there.

 

[bethesdabob]

Very sorry

Not really answering your question but ---

My wife died last December from a sudden seizure, she was an epileptic, she convulsed and never woke back up, she left me and three sons.

Since her passing there are many things that I wished I had said, thank you for 20 wonderful years -- we had our tough times but I really want to thank you for sticking by me, sorry I fussed with you about money -- would give you every penny I ever earned to get you back, you made wonderful babies and can be assured that I'll do everything in my power to keep them safe and secure, I'll love your parents and make sure your children are always a part of their lives and will care for them when they get old.

 

[conntom2002]

i know this is hard for many people but really.... every one us is going to die.....and our friends and family too....

why do people get so crazy about it

cry for a while (an hour?) remember the good times and remember to be nicer to the people you love who are still alive

and stop being a puss about it its not like it wrecks your credit rating....now that would be sumthin to go into a long term funk over

 

[Ryniver]

Snake, do you read much? If so, I've a few books I'd like to recommend to you to help you get through this time- which I am very sorry to hear of.

The first book is Elisabeth Kubler-Ross' On Death and Dying. It is a must read for anyone going through a bereavement. The next is called The Priceless Gift by Jerry Nuerge ( pricelessgift.info). I would in fact read this book now as it will give you great help and healing while the person in question is still alive. Another book is The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson. It's a good companion book to Kubler-Ross' book.

I hope this helps.

 

[mark197205]

Re: Re: its not a pleasent topic but i just need advice or something

First and foremost, my condolences. These are trying times.

Deal with it? You dont -- you just live your life the way you always have. The person who is dying hasn't changed -- he/she is still the same person -- it's only his/her health that has changed. Don't you dare change just because their health has.

Treat them normally -- focus on today. Live it to the fullest. Make it the best day of your life, and of his/her life. They don't want your pity or your tears -- they want your love, your support.

Don't hide from it-- it's not a secret. They know -- and they know you know. Wishing doesn't make it go away, and neither does ignoring it. Share it. Be part of it. Love them for it, and they will love you in return.

They are on a journey - a journey in which they must take the final steps alone. But, they want you there - holding their hand, walking toward that end together.

Grief? Despair? Of course -- but deal with yours alone. They desperately do not want to be troublesome to their loved ones, or the reason for their pain.

I have been there -- the first time I focused on me, the second time on them -- it was only the third time that I realized it was US.

Good luck and Godspeed.

Let me add my condolences to everyone elses and say that spare_change has said everything i would have said probably far better than i could say it, so i hope you dont get to down on yourself too much,people tend to blame themselves for things happening to others when its no-ones fault.
Take care of yourself and yours.

 

[SxSnake]

i wish to thank all of you who posted your advice and support i thank you deeply

i know things will be rough but .. all of your advice and support has given me new strength and hope.. i am thankful that there are lots of caring people in the world such as all of you and i am truely deeply thankful for all of your support and thoughts and i am glad that i know i am not completely alone in this ordeal and again i thank you.. its good to know that i have support outside of just my immedeate family and friends and i am thankful for all of you.. "a big hug for all of you nice, kind, caring people on lit." I Thank You All. "Spare_Change, slowndeep, bamagirl, wolfgar, bethesdabob, conntom2002, Ryniver, and mark197205"

 

[allears]

dying

Well as everyone has said it is a tough one. Between nov of 97 and Aug of 98 my father, sister and mother all died from colon cancer. My father had six months, sister 7 weeks and mother two years. Each death presented different responses. father and mother were acceptable since they were older 81 and 84. sister was another matter she was 56. All I was able to do was be there for them as needed. I was able to tell my father that I would take care of my mother. I was able to tell my sister that I would do all that is possible for her children where and when possible. For my mother I was there to let her know that I would take care of things and protect the family name and property. I don't know if any of this helps you but it was my response to a terrible time. John

 

[SxSnake]

Thank you Allears..

i thank you for your comments and i wish to say that i am sorry to hear that you lost 3 members of your family.. i am glad that you were able to make it through such hard times it gives me strength and hope that i can do the same once again i thank you. take care and be well.

 

[Jaded1]

Hi, SxSnake...

Death is never easy to face no matter what the situation!

Having been a Nam Vet I have seen many die. I carryed my best friend to a waiting helicopter after a brutal fire fight only to have him die in my arms. An experience no 21 year older should ever have to endure. Death some times is quick and other times very slowly. We all die eventually...

One thing Nam taught me is to celebrate life and friendships. For are friends and relatives can be take without notice at any time. Show them how much you carry and how much you love them while they are still alive. Share joy and laughter with them while you can when ever you can...

After there gone there will be plenty of time for tears!

I hope this lightens your brunden. May your heart rest easy...
[/b]