It's just not working for me... Help!

[Cicca_Jai]

I wrote this out and for some reason its just not doing it for me. I can figure out why so thought Id ask here see if anyone has any idea why it just seems "off"

This is a young man getting ready for his wedding, to his soul mate.
the desriptions are of the clothing he sets about putting on.

Feel free to insert your thoughts.
Thanks much

He showered and washed his hair toweled off and started dressing. First his Churidar tight fitting plain pants with a drawstring tie.
Tying the drawstring tight. He set about pulling on the long Kurta, the light weight cream colored cotton smooth against his skin, hanging nearly to his knees. He quickly shaved and fixed his hair the set about settling the last bits of his dress together.
Over the Kurta came the highly ornate, heavy silk, Sherwani, embroidered with the finest of gold threads and sparkling beads of various neutral tones, through out intricate patterns wove their way through the gold threads, tiny maroon swirls This hung to mid calf with a standing collar that was beaded with ropes of gold and pearls, and shone like a new penny. Pearl and gold encrusted buttons ran from collar to bottom he set about making sure each was fastened securely. Careful not to snag the ornate cuffs as he did so.

He inspected himself in the mirror he wanted Tamari to be happy with her wedding day, looking like he did not care would just not do. He picked up the last two items, his maroon, white and gold woven scarf he draped this around his neck settling the tassels making sure they were not tangled.
He put on his Juttis; Shoes that were handmade by fine artisans, rising high at the arch of his foot and covering the toe with a M-shaped heavily embroidered upper shoe and leaving the top of his foot nearly bare. Maroon red and cream they perfectly matched not only his own wedding garb but that of his brides, they were rich in detail. Rich golden threads and colorful beads of copper, gold, silver, and clear were used to craft the exquisite lotus motif. Lending a royal touch to his final look.

Smiling as he finally finished...

again this is just a small part of the whole so it may seem a bit out of context.

 

[PennLady]

I wrote this out and for some reason its just not doing it for me. I can figure out why so thought Id ask here see if anyone has any idea why it just seems "off"

I understand you're describing the clothing, and maybe that's the problem -- I got bored with it pretty quickly. I admit I'm not a clothes person, so generally don't care; few things bore me more in stories than when people start talking about Armani suits and Prada shoes, etc.

Now, I realize you aren't describing designers, you're talking about specific items of clothing. Perhaps it would help to break things up by noting what he's thinking as he puts on each article, or what each one means (if there is a meaning), or something like that.

The sentence that matters to me is:

He inspected himself in the mirror he wanted Tamari to be happy with her wedding day, looking like he did not care would just not do.

Perhaps you need to focus more on this, maybe even start with it. You say that he's getting ready to marry his soul mate, and at this point it appears he doesn't want to -- why is that? Perhaps he could be mulling it over as he dresses.

The smiling at the end gave me pause, but you did say this is only a small bit so I figured there was more.

 

[Guest]

deleted

 

[SydneyBlake]

Good advice here. In our fast-paced society, we lose patience very quickly with long paragraphs of exposition. Descriptions should be brief and have a point.

 

[Cicca_Jai]

Ic...

I think the nail has been hit on the head... I worked on it because I do like desriptions. but perhaps in this case its more like being force fed???
on the pages pervious to this and in the chapters before hand you learn that Nitesh is in love with his best friend. it's presumably forbiden, untill God calles him for a sit down and gives the "ok" moments after he finishes dressing where the sentence seems to break weirdly he is again called to God's seat where he discovers that all is not as it seems... I guess the details were more because not everyone is familure with Indian weddings... idk. like I said I was re reading before making any changes to the RD and it no longer did it for me.

I will work on it and repost, once I have hammered it into something less mundane.
Thanks


ok edit:

let see if this helps at all. let me know. I moved the end to the begining subtracted a few details and moved the explaining from a diffrent area in the chapter to this section.



As the sun broke over the horizon Nitesh watched as the clouds rolled past changing colors and shapes as they made their journey across the sky.
Unsure what the day would bring he knew that his life was about to change forever. He sat on the steps of the hut waiting to feel Tamari awaken. He conjured a cup of coffee and with a smile started drinking it, when the jangle of being called interrupted the silence of the early dawn.
With Strides long and sure, he walked towards the light wondering what could be so urgent that he would be called just hours before his union.


As he entered the Holy realm he was greeted to the sight of flowers, and light, of rich fabrics and, and gold décor, a sacred fire center stage waiting for he and his bride to make their seven rounds.

“Have you thought on all this union means?” Krishna’s booming voice broke his musings

“I have“ He replied

“So you agree then to all the terms laid out before you?” Krishna inquired

“Yes, might I ask a question?” Nitesh hesitated

“You may ask, but only if I see good reason will you get the answer you seek” Krishna materialized before Nitesh

“We are nearly ready, ask then go and make yourself ready, send her here and she will have the help she requires.”

“The union of our lines the mention of children that the Aga can not teach is this union that enormous?” Nitesh implored of Krishna

“Have a seat, there is much to tell you in a short time, you may not reveal these things until all are ready to hear. Your mother a mortal the last of her line within the Pālaka ensured her lines survival when she conceived you. Your father on the other hand is not mortal or Pālaka He is something that none on earth can understand fully; He is a Devas One who resided here within this realm from the beginning of time.

Having been charged with the duty to guild mortals on the path of spirituality, he was smitten by a young women, a mortal, thus had fallen. Continuing to perform his duties as a mortal he was restored in grace, though he gave up his immortality for many lifetimes. When you were born you were the key to all things good, and righteous, immortal if you chose to be.
Your children part mortal, will usher in the coming of a new age shining light into the world as none have been able to do before. When your mortal wife passes, you will have a choice, reside here in the godly realm, or stay and teach where you are needed. Nitesh the weight of this decision will not be easy to bare. There will be times when the burden is crushing for you especially near her end. This is something that she will not understand. It would be wise to keep this from her.

Your children, the Aga will not be able to teach, the powers they will hold is a culmination of all that is here and all that is on earth the coalition of forces that was never meant to be. While guardians, their tasks will be much grater then that of the Guardians, for they will be the protectors of all things good, keeping the balance in place after it is restored, until their mortal deaths.” With the arching of a brow Nitesh was then dismissed.


He sat for long moments still reeling from this news. His father was not human not mortal really. He was paying a price for falling in love. How had they met? This all made Nitesh’s heart heavy in sadness remembering how his mother had given her life as well as the life of his baby sister to protect his.

He stood to return to Tamari and found that walking was no longer necessary merely thinking of where he wished to go he found himself standing in the sands just beyond the tiny hut.


He knocked on the door of the hut before opening the door.
Tamari Sat at the table Looking sleepy still.

“Your awake.” He smiled at her.

“Hmm, Not yet.” she said as she said yawning. “Excuse me!” she said as she stretched her long arms.

“Here this will help.” He waved his hand, producing a steaming cup of tea.

“Oh, Thank you!” She blew on the cup and started sipping the liquid.

“I am going to grab the things I need and get dressed. Once your awake pack up your going to get ready there.” He stated as he headed for the small room.

“Err… ok then.” she said slightly confused. “What should I wear there?”

“Just stay in your night things I guess? Unless you want to put the Sari you had on yesterday?”

Wrinkling her nose an action he found most endearing she said. “Eww, No! I’d rather be embarrassed in my night wear then show up there in old winkled, smelling cloths.”

Nitesh could not help himself He laughed till tears were coming to his eyes.

“You know it really does not matter what you wear, but as you like.”

“Go, get ready, I have too much to do, to sit here listing to you tease me all day.” She scolded him.

Again he departed for the rest room, taking a small bag with him from the counter.

He showered and washed his hair, toweled off and started dressing.
First his Churidar tight fitting plain pants with a drawstring tie.
Pulling his Kurta, the light weight cream colored cotton smooth against his skin, hanging nearly to his knees over his head. He quickly shaved and fixed his hair the set about finishing dressing.
Over the Kurta came the ornate, heavy silk, Sherwani, embroidered with the finest of gold threads and sparkling beads of various neutral tones, through out intricate patterns wove their way through the gold threads, tiny maroon swirls dotting the landscape. This hung to mid calf with a standing collar that was beaded with ropes of gold and pearls, and shone like a new penny. Pearl and gold encrusted buttons ran from collar to bottom he set about making sure each was fastened securely. Careful not to snag the ornate cuffs as he did so. His mother had picked it out for him when he was a child.
A shadow of sadness darkened his eyes ‘I miss you mom, wish you were here.’ he thought.

He inspected himself in the mirror he wanted Tamari to be happy with her wedding day, looking like he did not care would just not do. He picked up the last two items, his maroon, white and gold woven scarf he draped this around his neck settling the tassels making sure they were not tangled.
Taking a seat on the small stool he put on his Juttis; Shoes that were handmade by fine artisans, rising high at the arch of his foot and covering the toe with a M-shaped embroidered upper shoe that left the top of his foot nearly bare. Maroon, and cream they perfectly matched not only his own wedding garb but that of his brides. Golden threads, and beads of copper, gold, silver, and clear were used to craft the exquisite lotus motif. Lending a royal touch to his final look.

Smiling as he finally finished he turned to exit the chamber.

 

[PennLady]

I don't have the time to comment a lot right now, although I do think this is some better. However, there are a lot of grammar and punctuation errors and I'm not sure of the reason -- were you in a hurry? Do you need a quick tutorial on such things? Believe me, I know I can get comma-happy, but you seemed to have banned them.

 

[sr71plt]

To follow on from Penn Lady, you have three "as" clauses in the first sentence. This is a reader stopper right there.

 

[PennLady]

Hi.

Here are some suggestions. I'd rewrite the first sentence, perhaps along these lines.

Orig: As the sun broke over the horizon Nitesh watched as the clouds rolled past changing colors and shapes as they made their journey across the sky.

New: As the sun broke over the horizon, Nitesh watched the clouds roll past, changing colors and shapes on their journey across the sky.

Actually, I'd probably stop the sentence at "shapes."

Second sentence: Unsure what the day would bring he knew that his life was about to change forever.
To me, this is a contradiction -- he does know what the day will bring. His wedding, presumably, which will change his life. He may not know how things will change, but that's a different thing.

With Strides long and sure -- strides should be lower case, and even more, I'd restructure this. With long, sure strides, he...

“You may ask, but only if I see good reason will you get the answer you seek” Krishna materialized before Nitesh -- Is it the answer Nitesh wants or the answer he will get? Not always the same.

These two sentences make no sense, and I couldn't figure out how to suggest rewording them b/c I wasn't sure what you meant.

“We are nearly ready, ask then go and make yourself ready, send her here and she will have the help she requires.”

“The union of our lines the mention of children that the Aga can not teach is this union that enormous?” Nitesh implored of Krishna

I'll stop here.

This is totally wrong: “I have“ He replied

It should be: "I have," he replied. Comma after have, lower case he, period after replied. You make this kind of mistake consistently in the dialogue, which raised my earlier questions about whether you were in a hurry, or need a tutorial.

One other thing I'd say is that if you are using Indian gods/mythology, you may need to provide more explanation. A lot of people are familiar at least with the names Krishna, Vishnu and Kali, but you would likely need to provide more details -- as appropriate to the story -- for the reader.

 

[Guest]

yes and no

deleted

 

[PennLady]

surelywilder has good points, and I should have noted the style issue. If you the tone of your story calls for something like "with strides long and sure," then go for it but be careful not to over do. Sometimes rearranging into unusual word orders can go over the top and be tiresome. But a few here and there would establish a different tone and atmosphere.

SW also has a good point in the "less is more" area. A short descriptive sentence will serve you better than a long flowery one.

 

[Cicca_Jai]

rofl

I have an editor to help me figure out where I stuffed up puntuaction.
As for tone... this seems silly but I acctualy talk that way guess I'm weird, that or I spent way too much time reading Elizibethian type plays.
I thought it twas a bit long winded myself kinda why I dare to post the RD here.
I guess a bit of the problem is in the fact that I dictate into a recorder as the thoughts come to me. Then I speed type it out and go back over a series of weeks fixing the issues. Again like I said after re reading it it was killing me, you guys have id'ed quite a few issues. Some I was aware of others I was not.
I strive to make this as good as poss, so you will see more of these "err this stinks and I don't know why type postings."
This project is my lifes work, hopefuly once beaten into submission it will be a gift to the reader, somthing they will return to from time to time.

I have been told as selected people read the out line for this that each chapter which are broken down by charaters seem to be written by diffrent people as the style/tone changes dramaticly. Not sure if this is a result of my trying to give each "person" a voice of their own or if it is due to the process I use to craft my work.
Any thoughts as to if this is "ok" or if it would distract the reader and jolt them from the pages leaving them wondering wtf just happened?

As for tutoring yes I could most likely use a refresher course in this area looking at taking a class for creative writting here at the local Uni.
Thanks I will take these sugestions into accnt.
Much appreciated
Owe ya 2.