It's hard enough keeping a relationship with 2

[lovelylisa]

But is it possible to be in a committed relationship with a man and a woman at the same time? Not just for the sex...but an actual loving relationship between the 3? I don't mean polygamy. (I think this is the word?)

Has anyone experienced this? What was it like? Is it still working?

 

[John Doe]

Polygamy is having more than one wife simultaneously. Hopefully that includes commitment and love, since marriage is involved, but it's not a guarantee.

In any case, yes I think it's completely possible in many cases. Some people are taught (or 'trained' if you will) to only be in mongamous relationships, or you might say they're not even built for it, but to others I think it's a very attractive option for many reasons (which I won't get into right now).

I'm not certain about this, but I have a sneaking suspicion that if a lot people who only have monogamous relationships could get past thier preconceptions, then they could have a romantic relationship with more than one person at a time. But of course, it's not for everyone.

 

[lovelylisa]

Is there a word for having more than one husband?

Or for that matter, a husband and a wife?

 

[mac_crazy]

Polygamy is having more than one wife simultaneously. Hopefully that includes commitment and love, since marriage is involved, but it's not a guarantee.

In any case, yes I think it's completely possible in many cases. Some people are taught (or 'trained' if you will) to only be in mongamous relationships, or you might say they're not even built for it, but to others I think it's a very attractive option for many reasons (which I won't get into right now).

I'm not certain about this, but I have a sneaking suspicion that if a lot people who only have monogamous relationships could get past thier preconceptions, then they could have a romantic relationship with more than one person at a time. But of course, it's not for everyone.

Man, that's asking a lot, stup, to think people could a) get past preconceptions, and b) get past all the jealousy that erodes so many relationships.

Nice thought though! I don't know how I'd handle 2 women. The sex could be wonderful, but not sure about the rest of everyday life...

 

[DirkPryde]

Here is an article I read about something the same/similar have a read, it's based on the writers own experience.

http://www.bimagazine.org/nonfict/pages/feature.html

 

[Lorrie Flash]

But is it possible to be in a committed relationship with a man and a woman at the same time? Not just for the sex...but an actual loving relationship between the 3? I don't mean polygamy. (I think this is the word?)

Has anyone experienced this? What was it like? Is it still working?

That's what I believe in. It's called Polyamory. Here are sites explaining the lifestyle:

www.polyamory.org

www.polyamorysociety.org

There are different kinds of relationships on Poly. One is what you just mentioned. I have had a relationship where I was commited (long distance) with one guy, while loving another (shorter distance). Both guys know about each other. But that was the closest, so far, I ever got to what you have stated.

I like having a Primary lover/SO, along with a Secondary, then Third, breaking down to how much I love them, which is pretty much how humans love. We all have our favorites.

Then there are Triads--like what you are talking about. Here is info on Polys:

Primaries, secondaries, vees and triads: polyjargon and polygeometry

Since there are lots of different ways to organize (or not
organize, if one is blessed by the Goddess of Chaos, or has a
taste for happy anarchy, or is a principled egalitarian)
relationships, it follows that there are ways of describing these
various arrangements. This polyjargon has evolved in the
newsgroup over time, and the words are merely descriptives. No approval or disapproval of any particular arrangement is to be
expressed or implied.

Primary - word often used in a hierarchal multi-person
relationship to denote the person with whom one is most strongly bonded. In some cases this bond or commitment takes the form of legal marriage. As bigamy is not legal, the option of having two
(or more) legally wedded primaries simultaneously is not
currently practicable, though non-legal ceremonies may certainly
be performed. In some cases "primary" refers to the lover with
the most seniority.

Secondary - follows from primary, in a hierarchal relationship,
denotes a person with whom one is involved without the emotional,
legal, or economic complexities and commitments of primary
bonding.

Yes, some people talk about tertiaries and so on. Some people
also don't like the terms primaries and secondaries or the
concepts behind the terms, preferring to have "a circle of
equals" as one poly person called it. Stef contributed the term
"Non-hierarchical Polyamory" for this kind of arrangement.

Triads - three people involved in some way. Often used in a
fairly committed sense, in some cases involving ceremonies of
commitment, but also used simply to mean "three people who are
connected". Example: "Jodine, Mischa and Mickey are a FMM triad
living in Excelsior."

Vee - Three people, where the structure puts one person at the
bottom, or "hinge" of the vee, also called the pivot point. In a
vee, the arm partners are not as commonly close to each other as
each is to the pivot.

Triangle (or equilateral triangle) - relationship where three
people are each involved with both of the others. Sometimes also
called a triad.

Line Marriage - term from the works of Robert A. Heinlein,
science fiction writer, meaning a marriage that from time to time
adds younger members, eventually establishing an equilibrium
population (spouses dying off at the same rate as new ones are
added). This is a different form of familial immortality than
the traditional one of successive generations of children.
(Definition courtesy of M. Schafer, and yes, there are people who
are in situations like this who use the term to describe their
family.)

Polyfidelity: Relationship involving more than two people who
have made a commitment to keep the sexual activity within the
group and not have outside partners. (Rumor has it that this
term was coined by the group Kerista.)

Quads, pentacles, sextets and more: There are polyfolk who exist
in multiple arrangements with more than three members. Geometry
can get complicated, and creative nomenclature abounds. As in
every other aspect of polyamory, the precise bonds of intimacy
vary from group to group and from member to member within groups.

I don't know why the sentences are so fucked up. Sorry about that.

Anyway, that is the basics of Poly. Poly differs from Swinging because Swingers have sex with strangers also; their sex can be purely hedonistic, without having emotions for the people they have sex with. Polys only have sex with people they truly like and care about.

 

[Lorrie Flash]

I just corrected second link to .org

 

[John Doe]

Is there a word for having more than one husband?

Or for that matter, a husband and a wife?

The word for plural marriage in general is polyandry. That can be one husband and more than one wife or vice versa or even more than one husband and more than one wife both.

 

[lovelylisa]

Having more than one spouse seems like a very utopian idea. I'm not sure how well it would actually work.

I had no idea that there was a whole list of orders and whatnot..thanks Lorrie for that info.

Lorrie, how does everyone deal with jealousy in your situation?

 

[Stiffy Says...]

I was in a relationship like that for four years. I think it could work, but it takes excellent communication on all parts and complete honesty.

 

[gumbie]

Triad

I was in a complex BDSM relationship with a male/female couple. He was the alpha male to whom we both sumitted, and i was sub to her as well. It worked very well for over a year until he started becoming jealous of the attention she paid to me. We were evolving as a family and he did not like the changes. More communication would have helped, but he just clammed up and shut down.

Like all relationships, it takes equal work and commitment from all parties to make it last.

I do miss them though...

 

[DirkPryde]

If it was possible to maintain I would love to be in poly relationship I believe people are more than capable of loving more than one person at a time

 

[Etoile]

Lorrie Flash totally beat me to it.

Yes, it is difficult maintaining a polyamorous relationship. I've been pulling it off with varying degrees of success for about four and a half years now. I say "varying degrees" because we have had our ups and downs throughout our relationship. We're doing pretty well at the moment, though.

 

[abbey_kyle]

I have been with a married couple for about a year now...we moved into together in July. Like Etoile, we also have our ups and downs. Sometimes it is so on and beautiful and sometimes it is just really off-kilter and we can't make heads or tails out of it.

I think it's because we are so passionate and create such energy together, it just gets overwhelming sometimes. I go places, however, I have never been before with only one partner, emotionally, sexually, spiritually. I wouldn't have given this past year up for anything, even when it didn't work.

abbey

 

[DirkPryde]

I am happy to hear success stories, even though there has been ups and downs, the ups sound really good ... I would like to ask, how do you find the support structure around you with multiple partners ? I would imagine that it would be great.

Has anyone else had thoughts of polyamory before they knew what it was ? Because to tell the truth I have often though about this concept before I knew it already had a word

 

[abbey_kyle]

I have been in "threesomes" before, starting way back when I was younger. But this is the first time is wasn't just for the sex, just for the thrill of being with two people at the same time. As for support structure...hmmmm...some members in my family know but since they pretty much ignore that I am bi to begin with (the women I date always just seem like "friends" to them), they just see this couple as my housemates. I think my family thinks it's a phase. If this is the case, I have been in the phase for a good 15+ years

friends are really supportive. But you know, it isn't like we are all hanging on each other when people are around. I have a separate living space in the house (my choice) so really, if people don't already know, I am not sure they would even guess.

 

[deezire1900]

THis is so interesting to me. I think I would be perfectly happy in a relationship like this, due to needing so much of "me" time.

 

[ethereal~minx]

this is true for all relationships---
when you believe, when in your heart you "buy into" the relationship, when keeping the relationship "at all costs" means more to you than the obstacles that are before you---
the relationship is going to last
no matter how many people are involved.


yes I experienced this. In a relationship with One & because the other was part of him, I loved him too. the physical intimacy threatened the primary. Spoken communication was not the best and I was continually seeking balance to the loss of my own self-respect.

I may never know what truly happened but my belief is that yes, it is possible to love more than one in a long term committed relationship. It was once my desire to live an illuminated triangle for the amazing tranformative gift it is with the two most incredible strengths I knew & respected. ....everything changes.

 

[Mikijl Dragon]

I have been in one of these relationships since mid summer. We have also had some ups and downs. It also seems to have leveled off as far as those though.

The sex is fantastic. I think all three of us have a voyeristic streak in us so sometimes it is just fun to watch her with him , or her with me as he watches or him with me as she watches. Not to say that when the three of us all participate that that isn't awsome as well.

The main thing you really have to get past to make a relationship like this work is understanding that sex with all partners should be viewed not as better but different. Each person has different strengths and weaknesses if you look at it that way you can compliment each other and make for one hell of an experience.

Another thing to make it work is to make sure that you treat everyone equally. That goes for everyone in the relationship.

Lastly and the most important thing in the relationship is communication. You must keep everything open and honest. That means no secrets between two in the group. If that starts to happen then you need to sit down and really have a talk.

 

[DirkPryde]

ethereal~minx First of all, I like your handle.
You are right there, when there is an existing "primary" relationship things are hard to deal with. The "primary" has to let go of treating each other exclusivley equally and deal with the other(s) being just as equal (a hard thing to deal with if you are married already). Definatley a tricky thing when not everyone thinks the same.

 

[ethereal~minx]

thanks.
we're all individual and participants of our own desire~ the primary connection though is the primary connection no matter what and should always honored and respected whether you're dominant or submissive or confused

I will always be domme in this situation~mustering up the strength to communicate even when it's uncomfortable to do so... love is invulnerable. I will never be second to another woman with any man. Never will I be second to anyone.

 

[lovelylisa]

I am so interested in reading everyone's experiences with this. It's always been something I've thought about but couldn't put words to. Thanks for all your responses.

 

[Betticus]

This is a very interesting concept to me as well. It would be difficult to pull off though.

 

[scheherazade_79]

My ex gf swore it was, but I did notice the level of commitment fall after a few weeks of it - which is probably why she's my ex

 

[Etoile]

You are right there, when there is an existing "primary" relationship things are hard to deal with. The "primary" has to let go of treating each other exclusivley equally and deal with the other(s) being just as equal (a hard thing to deal with if you are married already). Definatley a tricky thing when not everyone thinks the same.

Yes indeed, that is the most difficult thing in my relationship. My wife and I are each other's primary, for several reasons, the least of which is that we live together and Daddy is a few hundred miles away. But it is very hard for me to see her attentions go somewhere else, and I'm sure she feels the same way when I am with my Daddy.