It's about time!

[TheWriter]

I've finally finished and posted the second part of my "Harem" series. To anyone who read the first part, or even anyone who hasn't, I would appreciate feedback.

Access via the link in my signature.

 

[TheWriter]

I don't know if it has put anyone off, but it seems to have been published in the Fetish category, and I didn't think it was a fetish story.

 

[Black_Bird]

Welp - I read and voted on both of them...

Lots of criticism - I'm trying to be constructive, so please don't take offence.

The first one was better... I wish you would have went into why Amanda needed your main character's services... and the sex scene could have been more vivid. I liked Katrina's character in the first one, although it could have been fleshed out more... I would have liked to see Amanda's character fleshed out a great deal more... You have an interesting plot developing - but you need to pay more attention to what is important and earn your handle .

 

[TheWriter]

Thanks Black_Bird. I know this will sound positively defensive, but it might just help clarify some of the pitfalls you mentioned:

Amanda didn't need it so much. She just heard how great it was from Katrina and decided that she didn't want to miss out on the experience her friend had.

As to the scene being vivid, I was sort of trying to create and overall effect, and not have the narrator sticking to details all the time.

Character development: well, I agree, but the girls will probably only feature once each, and I was intending to develop the narrator more through the effect his "Harem" had on him. The girls will more than likely only be developed enough to highlight their differences. That is why the first two are similar, but not entirely the same.

As to what's important, I never think about that when writing. I suppose I should, because writing erotica is different to the other kinds of writing I'll be doing in my life.

 

[Guest]

Thanks Black_Bird. I know this will sound positively defensive, but it might just help clarify some of the pitfalls you mentioned:

It's okay.

Amanda didn't need it so much. She just heard how great it was from Katrina and decided that she didn't want to miss out on the experience her friend had.

Maybe so, but the narrator would have picked up on the fact that she was just lonely and horny. Also, concidering that his last encounter was with a woman who was depressed, wouldn't he suspect the same of Amanda? I would.

As to the scene being vivid, I was sort of trying to create and overall effect, and not have the narrator sticking to details all the time.

Well - that's the thing. Erotica is about scents, and tastes, and touch... You can't have that if you don't have detail. It doesn't have to be like he's describing everything perfectly - he can be(and should be, as it is a first person narrative) indecisive, inaccurate, or bias, but you need those details.

Ex: "It was sweet like... well, to be perfectly honest - I've never tasted anything like that before..."

Character development: well, I agree, but the girls will probably only feature once each, and I was intending to develop the narrator more through the effect his "Harem" had on him. The girls will more than likely only be developed enough to highlight their differences. That is why the first two are similar, but not entirely the same.

While I understand where you are coming from with this - it would probably be a good idea to insert something to this affect into the narrative. "She seemed a lot like Kara - but had brown eyes. Hell - they all began looking the same, after a while..."

It would also be a good idea to start out with very developed female characters and slowly decrease the amount of developement you give each of those characters... to show how each woman began to blurr into the next.

As to what's important, I never think about that when writing. I suppose I should, because writing erotica is different to the other kinds of writing I'll be doing in my life.

Hey - that's what re-writing is for. I remember in my nineth grade literature class being told that the most important part of writing is revision.

These are all just my opinions though; you have every right to disagree with me. I just hope I helped you in some way.