It's a Wonderful Life 1.5, feedback requested

[ninefe2dg]

I've just submitted this non-erotic piece for the Holiday Contest. I've always wanted to do something with this theme, but didn't want to a "remake" or a "sequel". I hope I've come up with something more on the periphery, and would be grateful for any comments you might have.

I'd like to thank Tickled Kitty for helping me come up with an idea that would eventually become the concept for this story.

To Varian, it can't be said enough how much you have helped me, as have so many others. Your counsel and advice are very much appreciated. I hope my passing homage to you in this story is OK!

I'd also like to thank the person upon whom the main character is somewhat based. While her need to learn a lesson is fictitious, her beauty and grace certainly are not.

I hope you enjoy this. Thanks.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=339403

 

[tickledkitty]

*BUMP*

Won't somebody give poor Nine some feedback?

 

[mjl2010]

Being honest. The first time I opened the story, I didn't get far. It has nothing to do with its category either. So I saw this today, TK bumped it up.

Here are just some thoughts. The story seems fragmented in the beginning. The code names for the angels just...I don't know. For some reason, I got confused kind of.

It was hard to keep reading past half the first page. I stuck with it. It was kind of weird seeing the classroom scene. Kind of a fill in the blank. Ok. That got all jumbled up too though somehow.

Annie as a character seemed dull and almost lifeless. Hello. It took me until she was transported to realize she was supposed to be that way. Or I think she was anyway.

the ending was ok. Nice even. Nice that she learned her lesson like George did in the original. I see why you called it 1.5. a good title.

I'm not sure how I'd change the story. I'd do something so the beginning didn't seem so chaotic or jumbled up. I had no idea where the story was going for far too long.

Oh yeah. Those phone conversations in the beginning? Why only show half of them? It was like they were completely pointless and you could have left them out.

I think you could have left out the angel conversation/scene at the beginning and just introduced them into the story. It didn't add much for me. Was there a point to the code names? confused on this point.

Alfalfa? ok.

Was it necessary to rehash the bar scene where George get's punched? Seemed pretty much the same.

Glynda? Um. Ok.

OK to wrap this up. Overall, not a bad job. Feels rough and the beginning needs some work. The ending was snuggle warm sweet. The middle was better than the beginning. Overall, it got better the closer you got to the end. Like it took you that long to really get into it when you were writing it.

Alrighty then....

Keep writing.

MJL

 

[ninefe2dg]

Thanks!

First of all, thanks for the bump, TK! And for the feedback you've already given me!

MJL, I've just got a sec, and will respond in more detail, but the reason I rehash the punch out scene, is that, because Annie convinces Zuzu to button up her coat, she's not going to get sick, so the original reason Welch hits George--cussing them out on the phone for Zuzu getting sick, goes away...so yes, the scene is about the same, some of the dialogue is verbatim in fact, but I give Welch a different reason to hit George, that part is different. I didn't want to disrupt "1.0", as getting clobbered was the last straw to send George to the bridge.

As I said, will respond in more detail in a bit...thank you for sticking with the story!!

 

[tickledkitty]

You're welcome.

Thanks for getting the ball rolling MJL. I agree with a lot of what you said.

Nine, I'm still of the opinion that you need to find a good editor. I told you this before I even read the story. There are parts of it that are really clever and fun, but other parts are confusing and superfluous. You need someone to work with you on boning up the good parts and getting rid of some of the other stuff.

I think even the best writer needs an editor, as you already know. I think a good editor can mean the difference between a mediocre story and a really good one. I don't think I can convince you though, so enough said.

 

[ninefe2dg]

Being honest. The first time I opened the story, I didn't get far. It has nothing to do with its category either. So I saw this today, TK bumped it up.

Here are just some thoughts. The story seems fragmented in the beginning. The code names for the angels just...I don't know. For some reason, I got confused kind of.

It was hard to keep reading past half the first page. I stuck with it. It was kind of weird seeing the classroom scene. Kind of a fill in the blank. Ok. That got all jumbled up too though somehow.

Annie as a character seemed dull and almost lifeless. Hello. It took me until she was transported to realize she was supposed to be that way. Or I think she was anyway.

the ending was ok. Nice even. Nice that she learned her lesson like George did in the original. I see why you called it 1.5. a good title.

I'm not sure how I'd change the story. I'd do something so the beginning didn't seem so chaotic or jumbled up. I had no idea where the story was going for far too long.

Oh yeah. Those phone conversations in the beginning? Why only show half of them? It was like they were completely pointless and you could have left them out.

I think you could have left out the angel conversation/scene at the beginning and just introduced them into the story. It didn't add much for me. Was there a point to the code names? confused on this point.

Alfalfa? ok.

Was it necessary to rehash the bar scene where George get's punched? Seemed pretty much the same.

Glynda? Um. Ok.

OK to wrap this up. Overall, not a bad job. Feels rough and the beginning needs some work. The ending was snuggle warm sweet. The middle was better than the beginning. Overall, it got better the closer you got to the end. Like it took you that long to really get into it when you were writing it.

Alrighty then....

Keep writing.

MJL

Again, thanks for all the feedback.

I hope the bit about the bar fight made sense.

It's too bad Annie struck you that way at the beginning. While I wanted her life, perhaps, to come across that way, I don't want HER to. In the original, Clarence has the benefit of watching all of George's life. Zuzu doesn't get that. Because this is a short story, maybe I rush a bit to get Annie to Bedford Falls...what I WANT to convey, and perhaps am failing to do, is that her life is "OK", but she's in bit of a funk...she occasionally gets overwhelmed...who hasn't been rushing to a meeting while on a cell phone while realiziing you forgot something, and the someone ELSE is trying to call you? That was the point of the one way conversations, to put Annie in a stressful situation, one that isn't all that atypical, and one that probably occurs nearly every day to the point that it wears her down and makes her vulnerable to feeling a bit fed up and unappreciative of her life.

Yes, the agent code name thing is a bit of a lark, but there's also a lightheartedness/humanity to the angels in the original as well. Plus the "conversation" mirrors the opening of the original. I'm not trying to emulate the original, but I did take permission, if you will, to do what I did because of the original. Also, I wanted to conceal that Annie's angel was a young girl when she was talking to Clarence, perhaps even throwing the reader off by saying "shall I turn on the charm"...the hidden identity is short lived, but I was hoping it would increase the shock value that she's 1) a child, and 2) not just any child, but Zuzu.

I see what you mean about the beginning being fragmented, but maybe, if the idea is to create the world of someone who has it "OK" but is a bit stressed out and/or fed up, maybe that's not so bad? Any suggestions on a better way to do that, again, without drawing it out too much?

Thanks!

 

[ninefe2dg]

You're welcome.

Thanks for getting the ball rolling MJL. I agree with a lot of what you said.

Nine, I'm still of the opinion that you need to find a good editor. I told you this before I even read the story. There are parts of it that are really clever and fun, but other parts are confusing and superfluous. You need someone to work with you on boning up the good parts and getting rid of some of the other stuff.

I think even the best writer needs an editor, as you already know. I think a good editor can mean the difference between a mediocre story and a really good one. I don't think I can convince you though, so enough said.

Thanks, TK. I can be convinced. As you know, it was all I could do to get this done and out there as is. This is a story that I'd want to invest more heavily in, and so when I've got the time, I'll do as you suggest. When you first said "find a good editor" my first thought was "ugh", thinking about the shortage of time. When time is less of an issue, your suggestion makes perfect sense, and I'll be able to take a deep breath and really do the more heavy lifting in improving this and other stories, thanks!

 

[ninefe2dg]

Oh yeah...

...what category SHOULD the story be in? I figured no sex..non erotic..no brainer...??

 

[mjl2010]

...what category SHOULD the story be in? I figured no sex..non erotic..no brainer...??

I was ok with it in non-erotic...I read all kinds of non-erotic stuff.

MJL

 

[ninefe2dg]

I was ok with it in non-erotic...I read all kinds of non-erotic stuff.

MJL

Sorry, I completely misread your original comment...I thought you had said it was misplaced...my bad!

ta for all your comments!

 

[GratefulFred]

I also found the story to be somewhat inspirational. However, I found picking an appropriate catagory fairly easy pickings. I also had a kick ass editor that wants to stay unknown for good treason.

Good luck with your story. I'd give it a 6.

It's a Fucked Up Life
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=338270

 

[tickledkitty]

Thanks, TK. I can be convinced. As you know, it was all I could do to get this done and out there as is. This is a story that I'd want to invest more heavily in, and so when I've got the time, I'll do as you suggest. When you first said "find a good editor" my first thought was "ugh", thinking about the shortage of time. When time is less of an issue, your suggestion makes perfect sense, and I'll be able to take a deep breath and really do the more heavy lifting in improving this and other stories, thanks!

Again, you're welcome. Now, stop thanking me!

I know you were short on time, and I'm really proud of you for getting it done so quickly. Also, I'm not trying to be a know-it-all about editing. What I've said is from personal experience. Having a great editor has made a huge difference.

I think the problem is that whatever you write lives inside your head, so you're familiar with it. You put it out there, and if you're lucky, other people can see your vision too. A lot of the time, though, they don't. That's where the editor can really help.

Also, I think a misconception is that an editor just corrects grammar and spelling and sentence structure. Mine actually does very little of that. She'll help me work through awkward wording and stuff like that, but most of what she does is help me get rid of superfluous material and tighten up the rest of it. I guess she adds the polish. Honestly, I wouldn't submit anything without having her look at it first.

So, I'm anxious to see how this story will turn out in the end, because I really like it. IAWL is one of my favorite movies of all time.

 

[Varian P]

Okay, I'm back from the wacky madness that is NaNo, and ready to pull my head out of my--no, not that--out of my story, and have a gander at the rest of the world.

I'll take a peek at your story and offer up my thoughts soon.

Glad you found the time to get it written and into the contest!

More soon,

V.

 

[ninefe2dg]

I also found the story to be somewhat inspirational. However, I found picking an appropriate catagory fairly easy pickings. I also had a kick ass editor that wants to stay unknown for good treason.

Good luck with your story. I'd give it a 6.

It's a Fucked Up Life
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=338270

Thanks for the ups, GF!

I have to admit, I'd didn't find your edition of this tale "inspiring", but it was certainly amusing and entertaining, thanks!

 

[ninefe2dg]

Again, you're welcome. Now, stop thanking me!

I know you were short on time, and I'm really proud of you for getting it done so quickly. Also, I'm not trying to be a know-it-all about editing. What I've said is from personal experience. Having a great editor has made a huge difference.

I think the problem is that whatever you write lives inside your head, so you're familiar with it. You put it out there, and if you're lucky, other people can see your vision too. A lot of the time, though, they don't. That's where the editor can really help.

Also, I think a misconception is that an editor just corrects grammar and spelling and sentence structure. Mine actually does very little of that. She'll help me work through awkward wording and stuff like that, but most of what she does is help me get rid of superfluous material and tighten up the rest of it. I guess she adds the polish. Honestly, I wouldn't submit anything without having her look at it first.

So, I'm anxious to see how this story will turn out in the end, because I really like it. IAWL is one of my favorite movies of all time.

Hi TK, I do understand how an editor adds value. I think (??) , that I catch most of the grammar/spelling, etc. Yes, ensuring your vision actually comes through is an important value an editor can add, you're right you can get too close to it!

I can always tinker with it, as I said, just wanted to have it out there!.

Sorry for all the effusive gratitude, so now I'll just start apologizing for doing that til you tell me to cut THAT out, too

All the best with your tale!

 

[ninefe2dg]

Okay, I'm back from the wacky madness that is NaNo, and ready to pull my head out of my--no, not that--out of my story, and have a gander at the rest of the world.

I'll take a peek at your story and offer up my thoughts soon.

Glad you found the time to get it written and into the contest!

More soon,

V.

I can't believe my Galen Ross comment isn't in your siggy! lol, j/k!

Nice to hear from you, and I look forward to what you have to say. Hope you like the brief homage you are, after all, the feedback Muse! It was the least I could do.

 

[ninefe2dg]

The trolls can bite me...

...there. I said it, and now I feel better.

I know I'm hardly the first. And probably not the last, but my God, I'm just trying to write a heartwarming little tale here...yeah, I get that it's the comments and not the number that mean anything...but still...

 

[tickledkitty]

...there. I said it, and now I feel better.

I know I'm hardly the first. And probably not the last, but my God, I'm just trying to write a heartwarming little tale here...yeah, I get that it's the comments and not the number that mean anything...but still...

Aww. *hugs* One word: Sweeps.

 

[ninefe2dg]

Aww. *hugs* One word: Sweeps.

Yeah...I know, thanks (there I go again!)...looks like a sweep did get some of it! Maybe someone else simply thought it sucked! I can live widdat though, cuz I know it doesn't.

 

[tickledkitty]

Yeah...I know, thanks (there I go again!)...looks like a sweep did get some of it! Maybe someone else simply thought it sucked! I can live widdat though, cuz I know it doesn't.

No, it doesn't.

 

[ninefe2dg]

No, it doesn't.

*mouthing a thank you*

 

[Varian P]

I've just submitted this non-erotic piece for the Holiday Contest. I've always wanted to do something with this theme, but didn't want to a "remake" or a "sequel". I hope I've come up with something more on the periphery, and would be grateful for any comments you might have.

Sorry to be so dang late to this--it's taken me longer to get off the NaNo carousel than I predicted. Momentum, you know.

Like others, I struggled through the opening, as I found it confusing. Even the opening phrase was a stumbler for me:

Annie stared at the button amongst the point-of-sale choice next to the register...

It's a ways on down that I figure out which meaning of “button: applies, and “point-of-sale-choice” is terribly awkward.

In this line, too, I can't quite parse what's going on—I think you mean the customer's excited, but that grammar suggests it's the cashier:

The cashier had already turned back to the customer, flush with the excitement of getting every fourth greeting card for free.

Frankly, the whole scene is a struggle, which is a rough way to introduce a reader to a story.

Once we get here, though, I'm with you a hundred percent:

"No, thanks, I can't even start thinking about Christmas shopping until Black Friday." And it's all gonna be online, that's for sure, Annie thought, feeling a sense of dread at the prospect of maintaining some semblance of mirth as fellow shoppers elbowed each other over piles of Santa sweaters.

"Anything else, ma'am?"

Annie, wondering if she was feeling a bit oversensitive, was slowly becoming convinced that ma'am was a euphemism for bitch. "No. Thank you."

"Have a nice day."

As for the story overall, you're just getting better and better at rendering a believable world, with people and situations that feel real (between appearances of angels and time/body shifting, that is ). It's easy to identify with Annie's malaise, her need to reconnect to her sense of her own good fortune. And there are lots of places where your prose renders everything so immediately and tangibly.

Admittedly, I didn't find the story terribly gripping, but I did think it a delightful, playful take on the classic, without the syrupy melodrama (and, yes! without that *#%@* Jimmy Stewart).

To Varian, it can't be said enough how much you have helped me, as have so many others. Your counsel and advice are very much appreciated. I hope my passing homage to you in this story is OK!

As always, I'm thrilled to think I've been of some help to another poor soul like myself, struggling to get better at this writing thing, and likewise am grateful for all the help and shameless flattering I've gotten from you.

As for the homage, I'm still grinning, thinking of angels getting busted on the job for perusing my prurient, terribly UN-work-safe tales. They better be blushing!

Good luck in the contest!

-V

 

[Varian P]

I can't believe my Galen Ross comment isn't in your siggy! lol, j/k!

Next time I'm pimping "Hurt," it's going in, my usual rule of not quoting pals be damned!

 

[ninefe2dg]

Sorry to be so dang late to this--it's taken me longer to get off the NaNo carousel than I predicted. Momentum, you know.

Like others, I struggled through the opening, as I found it confusing. Even the opening phrase was a stumbler for me:

Annie stared at the button amongst the point-of-sale choice next to the register...

It's a ways on down that I figure out which meaning of “button: applies, and “point-of-sale-choice” is terribly awkward.

In this line, too, I can't quite parse what's going on—I think you mean the customer's excited, but that grammar suggests it's the cashier:

The cashier had already turned back to the customer, flush with the excitement of getting every fourth greeting card for free.

Frankly, the whole scene is a struggle, which is a rough way to introduce a reader to a story.

Once we get here, though, I'm with you a hundred percent:

"No, thanks, I can't even start thinking about Christmas shopping until Black Friday." And it's all gonna be online, that's for sure, Annie thought, feeling a sense of dread at the prospect of maintaining some semblance of mirth as fellow shoppers elbowed each other over piles of Santa sweaters.

"Anything else, ma'am?"

Annie, wondering if she was feeling a bit oversensitive, was slowly becoming convinced that ma'am was a euphemism for bitch. "No. Thank you."

"Have a nice day."

As for the story overall, you're just getting better and better at rendering a believable world, with people and situations that feel real (between appearances of angels and time/body shifting, that is ). It's easy to identify with Annie's malaise, her need to reconnect to her sense of her own good fortune. And there are lots of places where your prose renders everything so immediately and tangibly.

Admittedly, I didn't find the story terribly gripping, but I did think it a delightful, playful take on the classic, without the syrupy melodrama (and, yes! without that *#%@* Jimmy Stewart).



As always, I'm thrilled to think I've been of some help to another poor soul like myself, struggling to get better at this writing thing, and likewise am grateful for all the help and shameless flattering I've gotten from you.

As for the homage, I'm still grinning, thinking of angels getting busted on the job for perusing my prurient, terribly UN-work-safe tales. They better be blushing!

Good luck in the contest!

-V

Hi Varian, I'm so pleased you had a chance to read and comment, and glad you were OK lending a hand in deflowering dear Clarence! This story was so much fun for me to write and I appreciate the affirmations.

As usual I write something that's kinda one foot in, one foot out...Clearly non-erotic, but with lots of language...as I think about it, it likely better suited for a PG type approach, I might clean up the language a bit to appeal to a wider audience...at some point I may submit it to a, ummm, tamer site!

I thought about opening the story with Annie in front of the TV at night...but figured I needed to set some context for her being upset/worn down, so I tried to create kind of a typical "yucky" day, that everyone seems to be struggling with...part of the problem, I'll admit I was so excited about my little Zuzu as angel idea I couldn't wait to get to it, and paid less attention to the opening...

That said, do you think it's better if I DO start with Annie watching the movie, and she then RELATES her day to her husband...maybe he gets tuned into his fave movie on the TV, she gets upset...would that be more efficient than grind through what seems to be a bumpy beginning?

Interested in what you think. Now if I DON'T do that, at what point would you say you WERE with me 100%...just want to be clear, is it at the Black Friday comment?

Thanks again for the read! I'm sure you're happy the only George is in, he gets belted, just like in the original.

I love the guy, sorry!

 

[ninefe2dg]

Next time I'm pimping "Hurt," it's going in, my usual rule of not quoting pals be damned!

You go right ahead (sorry dunno how I missed this post!)...