It was good for me, but will you call me tomorrow?

[ScottMac]

Having just had my first erotic story posted here at Literotica, I am very curious as to how well certain elements of this story work for someone who is not the author. For instance:

1.) Do the female characters sound plausible given the fact that they are written by a guy who has never been a woman in this lifetime.

2.) Does the description of the setting and the characters thought feel too drawn out and padded? I mean, I know that Hemingway rolled over in his grave a few times, but for this genre, has this story gone over the line?

3.) Do the romantic elements in the story overshadow the sexual tension that I am trying to create?

4.) Is the erotic content too brief or undescriptive? Since it was all flashbacks, I felt limited in progressing through a typical routine. However, I didn't want to leave anyone hanging...

5.) Does the trade off in momentum and control between the two main characters pace itself well enough - or is the change too abrupt?

6.) Does the author show his complete lack of confidence in this piece by the number of questions that he asks, or by the mock serious tone that he asks them in?


Seriously, though. I would love to hear what folks have to say about the piece and welcome any feedback - especially anything having to do with structure and tone.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=38078

Thanks!

Scott

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

Q&A
1. NO
2. YES

Scott, I'm sorry, but this is not going to be a warm fuzzy critique. Your story has promise, but IMHO, it needs a tough re-write.

For me at least, the opening was s-l-o-w. There's a lot of space devoted to describing Elena the super sex kitten, but the reader can only guess at the plot.

IMHO, you overuse "that". There are other words, phrases, and whole sentences which also seemed like padding.

I'm no expert at short stories (or much of anything else for that matter) so remember my imput is strictly MHO and probably worth even less than it cost you. RF

---

The double entendre in the girl's statement was further emphasized by the impish grin and look in her eyes. Elena smiled and simply ordered a double (MAKE IT A SINGLE TO AVOID TWO STRAIGHT SENTENCES WITH "double") cappuccino. Even though it had been some weeks since she had been to this particular (OMIT "particular") coffee shop, the girl seemed to remember her. It was only a few blocks from work, but she rarely had a day when she could take a full lunch and make it there and back from this place. (OMIT THE LAST SENTENCE UNLESS IT'S IMPORTANT TO THE STORY)

The girl bantered about with her as she made her (MAYBE: "…ABOUT WHILE MAKING THE DRINK…" WHICH ELIMINATES TWO "her" AND ONE "she") drink; benign stuff to be sure, simple goings on of the neighborhood and city, but Elena noticed that it wasn't all (OMIT "all") as innocent as it may have appeared. The girl's eyes sparkled just a little too much for the playfulness to be anything but just that. (JUST WHAT? CONFUSING) And she probably didn't need to bend over quite so much to get the milk in the small fridge under the counter. Not that the tight little black skirt she wore didn't show off her assets to their full advantage. This wasn't the first time, (FOR WHO/WHAT?) Elena thought as her lips curled up in appreciation of the flirting, but it certainly wasn't unwelcome.

Her mind wandered to a place where the girl was in that (ADD "SAME") position because it was the easiest way that Elena could run her hands over that tight little ass while she lashed her tongue over what she could only imagine to be very full pussy lips hidden between those delectable thighs. (HER MIND'S WANDERING AND SHE'S IMAGINING ALL IN THE SAME SENTENCE) She could almost hear the moans that the girl would make as she forced her tongue just past the labia and into her warm wet center. The fact that the girl could stand at all, no matter how braced she was against the counter in front of her, would be testimony to (HER DESIRE/NEED/CRAVING/ETC FOR) the pleasure she would be denied if she sank away from the fingers and tongue working their magic across her flesh. (NEW PARAGRAPH) Elena wondered if the girl would taste as sweet as her last little 'sex toy'. She prided herself on not needing anything beyond what she herself could provide, but the hunger that that (THIS) woman had inspired in her gave new meaning to the word 'chemistry' - at least as it applied to sex.

Elena wasn't as tall as some of the eye catchers in the crowded streets of this part of New York, but it was (OMIT "it was") the way that (OMIT "that") she carried herself and moved that (OMIT "that") usually drew out (OMIT "out") the type of attention that (OMIT "that") she was getting from the (CHANGE "the" TO "THIS") cute cashier. Her (INDEF PRONOUN. DOES "Her" REFER TO THE CASHIER OR ELENA?) long dark hair swept behind her down past her shoulders and seemed to be the essence of the night itself in the way that (OMIT "that") it could veil her face when the wind blew. However, it was typically in (OMIT "typically in") watching her move (OMIT "her hands" her hands (ADD "MOVE") through those tresses that (MIGHT INSERT "typically" OR "USUALLY") trapped the unwary onlookers gaze. Her fingers, long and graceful, seemed to move in a way that only (OMIT "only") accentuated the body that (OMIT "that") they roamed over or through as she smoothed a blouse, or slipped into a pocket. (YOU LOST ME TOWARD THE END. HOW CAN HER FINGERS MOVE THROUGH HER BODY WHILE SMOOTHING A BLOUSE OR SLIPPING INTO A POCKET?) The true devastation though was clearly realized when one made the monumental error of locking onto her eyes as they peered back. To stare even for a moment meant the loss of mental acuity for days. And those who tried to recapture the image in their mind's eye often found that the recollection only increased the obsession. (IMHO, A TAD OVER-THE-TOP. ALSO, IT THEY ONLY "tried", NONE OF THAT COULD HAVE HAPPENED.)

 

[ScottMac]

Rumple,

Thank you for your honesty. You are echoing some of my own thoughts post-submission. As for your editorial critique of the content, I would have to say that I agree with most of your ideas. Naturally, as I see them written in your post they appear obvious. In time I hope I'll catch these before anyone else is subjected to them.

Interestingly enough, though, several women have replied that the female character does appear plausible. This is purely subjective of course, but I am curious as to how others will find her as well.

 

[ScottMac]

Rumple,

Thank you for your honesty. You are echoing some of my own thoughts post-submission. As for your editorial critique of the content, I would have to say that I agree with most of your ideas. Naturally, as I see them written in your post they appear obvious. In time I hope I'll catch these before anyone else is subjected to them.

Interestingly enough, though, several women have replied that the female character does appear plausible. This is purely subjective of course, but I am curious as to how others will find her as well.

Thanks again!

Scott

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

Scott,

That's an interesting note about how some women readers have found the female characters plausable. Keep up posted on the survey.

One suggesting I forgot to make was to hang around this borad and the Story Circle reading and writing as many critiques as you can stand. Some of them, such as the ones written by KillerMuffin, are pracitcally short seminars on writing. Besides, I could use your input. RF