It was a beautiful day.
- Thread starter kowalski
- Start date
Chicklet
plays well with self
- Joined
- Apr 8, 2002
- Posts
- 12,302
for future feedback givers: It Was a Beautiful Day
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first off, GREAT OPENING! I'm already into the story and nothing's happened yet - brilliant. It's so nice to see some good, creative writing going on = )
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Personal preference of mine would be to keep the second sentance in the same tense as the first, maybe just cut out the period, "she walks" part and keep it "I couldn't help but notice her as she walked, the bouncy, happy looking gait showing off her ass in just the right way."
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A couple more times you switched tense on me, or at least did enough to make me worry that you were.
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In your conversation, it felt a bit stiff that you always used periods instead of commas. Know what I mean?
At first, I thought maybe you didn't know you could use commas, and then you did a couple times and blew me out of the water with that one = )
The only other thing about your conversation that startled me was when you wrote:
see what I mean? Up there at first, where you say "she said." then give it a little period and go on into the conversation. I would have skipped the first part, jumped into "Doesn't look like the path yada yada" and then said the first part. Uhm, let me show you what I mean.
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Tiny, minor problems here and there that a good read-through could rid you of. I'm going to go out on a limb and tell you that your story is great and you probably DID read over it, just skipped over these tiny things. That's what we're here for, no worries.
her bag was so important it needed to be capitalized? = )
no, hinny, and it won be all ah do, eether
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Categorization on Lit can be your downfall. Some categories swallow stories and never let them see the toplists, dooming them forever to small read #'s and being lost in the lists. Erotic Couplings, imho, is the most boring section of lit. Nearly every story in it has some fetish that could get it recategorized, though, and up the reads.
If it had been my story, I would have put it in "exhibition and voyeur" because of the fear of being caught in the end, and the fact that it took place outside. That way you get the fetish interest.
In the future, maybe you could consider posting stories in other categories. Just a suggestion. I would have been sad to have never found this one, and other people might be, too.
Good luck on your next stories, I'll keep my eyes open for ya = )
-Chicklet
***
first off, GREAT OPENING! I'm already into the story and nothing's happened yet - brilliant. It's so nice to see some good, creative writing going on = )
***
Personal preference of mine would be to keep the second sentance in the same tense as the first, maybe just cut out the period, "she walks" part and keep it "I couldn't help but notice her as she walked, the bouncy, happy looking gait showing off her ass in just the right way."
***
A couple more times you switched tense on me, or at least did enough to make me worry that you were.
***
In your conversation, it felt a bit stiff that you always used periods instead of commas. Know what I mean?
At first, I thought maybe you didn't know you could use commas, and then you did a couple times and blew me out of the water with that one = )
The only other thing about your conversation that startled me was when you wrote:
see what I mean? Up there at first, where you say "she said." then give it a little period and go on into the conversation. I would have skipped the first part, jumped into "Doesn't look like the path yada yada" and then said the first part. Uhm, let me show you what I mean.
***
Tiny, minor problems here and there that a good read-through could rid you of. I'm going to go out on a limb and tell you that your story is great and you probably DID read over it, just skipped over these tiny things. That's what we're here for, no worries.
her bag was so important it needed to be capitalized? = )
no, hinny, and it won be all ah do, eether
***
Categorization on Lit can be your downfall. Some categories swallow stories and never let them see the toplists, dooming them forever to small read #'s and being lost in the lists. Erotic Couplings, imho, is the most boring section of lit. Nearly every story in it has some fetish that could get it recategorized, though, and up the reads.
If it had been my story, I would have put it in "exhibition and voyeur" because of the fear of being caught in the end, and the fact that it took place outside. That way you get the fetish interest.
In the future, maybe you could consider posting stories in other categories. Just a suggestion. I would have been sad to have never found this one, and other people might be, too.
Good luck on your next stories, I'll keep my eyes open for ya = )
-Chicklet
Bachlum Chaam
Crumpet Captivator
- Joined
- Feb 24, 2003
- Posts
- 4,235
I must say I loved your story Kowalski the lady Chicklet said all of it better than I ever could plus much I wouldn't see,the start was good I must say too.
I gave you 5 probably shouldn't have but I liked it better than a 4
Loved it, thank you
Bachlum Chaam
I gave you 5 probably shouldn't have but I liked it better than a 4
Loved it, thank you
Bachlum Chaam
Cheers Chicklet for the comments and suggestions I did read though it but only on my computer screen, I've got no way of printing at the moment and I always find more mistakes reading stories through on paper than on the screen.
I kept on switching tense all the way through and then when I realised I tried to go back afterwards and sort it all out - obviously missed a few...
I'm Always putting strange capitals in the wrong Places.... It's an Issue of mine!
Bachlum Chaam - Thanks for the 5! What else can I say!
I kept on switching tense all the way through and then when I realised I tried to go back afterwards and sort it all out - obviously missed a few...
I'm Always putting strange capitals in the wrong Places.... It's an Issue of mine!
Bachlum Chaam - Thanks for the 5! What else can I say!
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