It looks like a plumbing question, but it's really a writing challenge!

[shereads]

If you know less than I do about the topic of clogged household plumbing, this writing challenge is beneath your skill-level and your time would be better spent on the phone with your literary agent, or flirting.

If you know plumbing, here's your challenge:

In as clear and concise a fashion as possible, explain possible causes and solutions for a clogged bathtub drain that has resisted cans and bottles of Drano Plus, Drano Lethal, Nuclear-Waste Drano and Don't Ask, a blackmarket drain-cleaning product so poisonous I could get ten years in Leavenworth for using it without a Haz-Mat team present.

Facts of note:

• Other drains in the house are working just fine
• Nothing can get down the bathtub drain without going through that little metal grate that catches anything larger than a dried pea.
• Water eventually drains from the tub, it just takes its sweet time.
• I suspect a build-up of hardened clay caused by skin-smoothing aromatic body treatments that list kaolin as the main ingredient. Short of suing three different bath-product manufacturers, WTF?

Tourists Beware: we're still on septic tanks here at the Decaying Jungle Compound, so whatever goes down my drain eventually ends up in Biscayne Bay. If you plan to do any boating or diving here, keep that in mind. Enjoy your trip to Miami!

Okay, write.

 

[cantdog]

I'm a believer in mechanical means. If the thing resists the plungers and whatnot, I call the Roto Rooter dude.

Perhaps you should also. If it resists the blandishments of Don't Ask, it means business.

Drains and roofs. If you can get both working, other household (or compound-hold) difficulties are minor.

 

[cantdog]

Actually, you see quite plainly I know nothing. I can stop leaks in plumbing and I can do small time installations, but bad drains I cannot seem to affect. Even knowing nothing, I had to try, for a smile from those eyes.

c

 

[shereads]

deleted double post challenge

 

[shereads]

I'm a believer in mechanical means. If the thing resists the plungers and whatnot, I call the Roto Rooter dude.

That was beautiful. Thank you.

Please don't mention my roof again. The House Demons will find it.

 

[BlackShanglan]

I realize that I may be crucified by a band of irate plumbers for this, as they swear that one should never do it - but the last two times I have had slow clogs that resisted various commercial preparations, several rounds of boiling water did the trick.

(I'm given to understand that it's bad for the pipes. But then, so is having a horse smash them with a pipe wrench.)

Shanglan

 

[Guest]

Roto-rooter man (or whatever he's called in your area). If you keep using solvents they will eat through your pipes. I know this.

Perdita

 

[Pure]

Sher,
There are many substances that are unaffected by Super Drano or whatever: after, what is theircontainer made of? Clay, which you mention, probably sand, bits of metal, glass beads, an eye tooth. Lye etc. is meant to go after hair and organix sludge and shit.

There are undoubtedly substances that dissolve them--say concentrated nitric acid--but the problem is to leave your pipe intact. Hence the suggestion of mechanical cleaning out, if possible, or replacement of the clogged portion.

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

I realize that I may be crucified by a band of irate plumbers for this, as they swear that one should never do it - but the last two times I have had slow clogs that resisted various commercial preparations, several rounds of boiling water did the trick.

(I'm given to understand that it's bad for the pipes. But then, so is having a horse smash them with a pipe wrench.)

Shanglan

I agree. Just pour slow and be very careful.

Rumple Foreskin

 

[shereads]

I guess Roto Rooter is preferable to having the house re-piped. My experience with repair persons of any type is laughable at best and gives me the heebie-jeebies at worst. Inevitably, the Roto Rooter man will promise to be here during a "window" of time spanning 8 a.m. and 2 p.m. on a Thursday. He won't show up, won't call to say he's not coming, and his answering service will be disconnected the next day.

I was so hoping that this writing challenge would produce a cheap miracle solution guaranteed not to harm my pipes or Biscayne Bay...Instead I got practical advice.

Writers these days!

 

[cantdog]

We had a Roto Rooter monkey on our household backs when we lived on Otis Street. There was a tree which had discovered the drainpipe and thought it a reliable source of water, I daresay. Every six months the roots would form a big enough net to cause a clog and it was the snake or the cellar filling with sewage,so we called the guy with the snake.

The offending roots were two-thirds of the way to the street from the front corner of the house. Cursing and kicking the tree had no effect. Rental snakes delayed the inevitable by exactly 32 days every time we rented and used them.

The hospital bought our house and razed it to make a parking lot. The tree remains but the pipe is no longer any great shakes as a water source, if it's still there. Revenge is a dish best yard-saled for a nickel.

cantdog

 

[shereads]

We had a Roto Rooter monkey on our household backs when we lived on Otis Street. There was a tree which had discovered the drainpipe and thought it a reliable source of water, I daresay. Every six months the roots would form a big enough net to cause a clog and it was the snake or the cellar filling with sewage,so we called the guy with the snake.

The offending roots were two-thirds of the way to the street from the front corner of the house. Cursing and kicking the tree had no effect. Rental snakes delayed the inevitable by exactly 32 days every time we rented and used them.

The hospital bought our house and razed it to make a parking lot. The tree remains but the pipe is no longer any great shakes as a water source, if it's still there. Revenge is a dish best yard-saled for a nickel.

cantdog

What if I rent a real snake? If he agrees to go down there, he'll have to get all the way to the end before he can turn around to come back, right?

 

[cantdog]

Nope. The things are six inches around. Slick with slime. Even the weightiest reptile could turn around easy.

You don't get off that easy, missy.

But I figured out a very slick way to estimate repair persons' actual timetables.

It works in New England because of a trick of colloquial speech, so it might not operate in your regional dialect area.

Up here, they say: I can be there in (for example) two, three hours. Or: in 45 minutes or an hour. If they do that, add them together. "Two or three hours" equals five hours. The other one is an hour and three quarters. This is actually a realistic estimate. It sounds risky to count on it, at first, but you watch. It really works.

The same for estimates of time to completion. "A week or ten days" means seventeen days. "An hour, hour and a half" means two and a half hours. Add them together. It is usually damn close.

cantdog

 

[dr_mabeuse]

You've probably got a mixture of rust and lime scale there, lady. Drano and that stuff won't touch it.

But your bathtub should also have a clean-out trap, unlike mine, so it won't cost you $600 to have the plumber come cut a hole in the lathe-and-plaster wall and replace an entire section of pipe.

Here's what I did recently when I needed to have a faucet replaced that I couldn't reach and have a huge fallen branch chipped and carted away: I joined a service called Angie's List for $50. They provide you with a list of all sorts of home service guys who other people have used and endorsed as being fair and competent, everything from mechanics to concrete workers.

My branch was chipped that very day for $60 and the plumber came out the following day and did my faucet for $120. Sawed through these frozen pipes and everything. Plus both these guys were great, very friendly and returned my calls. (Well, the branch-chipper was a little high, but he brought his girlfriend with him and she helped for free.)

I think Angie's List is a great service. Google them up and you should be in business.

---dr.M.

 

[shereads]

Nope. The things are six inches around. Slick with slime. Even the weightiest reptile could turn around easy.

You don't get off that easy, missy.

But I figured out a very slick way to estimate repair persons' actual timetables.

It works in New England because of a trick of colloquial speech, so it might not operate in your regional dialect area.

Up here, they say: I can be there in (for example) two, three hours. Or: in 45 minutes or an hour. If they do that, add them together. "Two or three hours" equals five hours. The other one is an hour and three quarters. This is actually a realistic estimate. It sounds risky to count on it, at first, but you watch. It really works.

The same for estimates of time to completion. "A week or ten days" means seventeen days. "An hour, hour and a half" means two and a half hours. Add them together. It is usually damn close.

cantdog

When ad copy that has to be translated into Spanish, the art director has to allow at least one-third more space for text. When New England timetables have to be translated into Miami time, the same rule probably applies.

Manana.

 

[nushu2]

The toughest item to take out of a tub drain can be when part of mechanical P.O. (plug with lever from overflow) has fallen down. I have managed to remove them with a coat hanger with a small hook bent onto the end.

Ninety percent of tub drains are indirect, meaning that the drain goes directly down from the overflow instead of the tub drain. It's easy to tell which you have; if you can't stick the coat hanger more than a few inches straight down into the tub drain, it's indirect and should be accessed from the overflow. Remove the screws of the cover plate, but cover the drain so they don't end up down there as well. If the coat hanger doesn't work, a hand operated drum auger is a lot cheaper than a plumber although it might take several attempts to get though the trap.

If you have kids, there could be anything down there.

 

[neonlyte]

Water and drain pipes have a tendency to leak if I look at them.

I go to the bathroom with my eyes closed.

 

[cantdog]

Contact Dr Xavier. You obviously have Cyclops's mutant power and simply need training in how to use it.

 

[nushu2]

Here's a picture of what I was talking about.

http://www.dafehr.com/Canplas/ciscw&ofeat.htm

Forget about the rear outlet picture. That doesn't happen in the real world. Underneath the tub is a trap, just like under a sink. Most things get caught in that trap but the horizontal pipe after the trap can get plugged too. That horizontal pipe, called the trap arm, can only be 6 feet long, maximum.

 

[cantdog]

It was crystal clear from the description alone. Or bell clear, or something.

 

[shereads]

But your bathtub should also have a clean-out trap, unlike mine, so it won't cost you $600 to have the plumber come cut a hole in the lathe-and-plaster wall and replace an entire section of pipe.

Wanna bet? Everything about the Decaying Jungle Compound is off-kilter in some way. Do-it-yourself installations of everything from electrical outlets (Who knew a 3-prong outlet could produce steam?) to the intake vent for the air conditioning, which is exactly the size for which no one makes a standard filter. Custom order. If there's a way to turn a repair into a 3-month project requiring two contractors and the threat of a lawsuit, it's happened here at the Compound.

Plus both these guys were great, very friendly and returned my calls.

They'd never make it in Miami. The local guys would get wind of the new work ethic and there would soon be nothing left of Angie's List but some molars, a pair of pliers and some battery acid.

I did Google one of those services last year, called Rent-a-Husband or something cute like that. It was a listing service that had stopped taking customers because no repairmen had signed up.

We're on island time down here. Whether we like it or not.

 

[NoJo]

If you know less than I do about the topic of clogged household plumbing, this writing challenge is beneath your skill-level and your time would be better spent on the phone with your literary agent, or flirting.

Just got off the phone with my agent. So what are you wearing right now?

 

[shereads]

The toughest item to take out of a tub drain can be when part of mechanical P.O. (plug with lever from overflow) has fallen down. I have managed to remove them with a coat hanger with a small hook bent onto the end.

Ninety percent of tub drains are indirect, meaning that the drain goes directly down from the overflow instead of the tub drain. It's easy to tell which you have; if you can't stick the coat hanger more than a few inches straight down into the tub drain, it's indirect and should be accessed from the overflow. Remove the screws of the cover plate, but cover the drain so they don't end up down there as well. If the coat hanger doesn't work, a hand operated drum auger is a lot cheaper than a plumber although it might take several attempts to get though the trap.

If you have kids, there could be anything down there.

I like your use of the term "drum auger." I don't have kids, but someone leaves Pez dispensers in my back yard and there was once a slice of cheese on the hood of my car.

 

[shereads]

Re: Re: It looks like a plumbing question, but it's really a writing challenge!

Just got off the phone with my agent. So what are you wearing right now?

Fatiques, a WIN Against Inflation button from the Ford administration, and nipple clamps. (The light ones, for sleeping.) What about you?

 

[NoJo]

Re: Re: Re: It looks like a plumbing question, but it's really a writing challenge!

Fatiques, a WIN Against Inflation button from the Ford administration, and nipple clamps. (The light ones, for sleeping.) What about you?

Hang on, I'll just go and check...