It Is Who I Am, Have Always Been...

[catalina_francisco]

I see this statement made many times on the board and other similar forums in relation to people's personal take on their being a submissive or Dominant. It is claimed by some they have been submissive (or Dominant) in their behaviour since pre-kindergarten and so they see it as being who they are inside out, beyond control etc. I am not referring to those who say they had fantasies or tendencies which indicated more of a preference for one over the other, more so those who feel it is a large part of them and has always been exercised.

So then, how is it that some who say this also put their submission or Dominance to the side when a crisis arrives on their doorstep, to be taken up again only when life is back on track? If it is an integral part of who you are shouldn't it be incorporated into and remain while you sort/work through the crisis, just as easily as we do being female/male etc.? This is not a discussion about who is better, or who does it right, but more so perhaps a way to eradicate the remnants of those mainstream models we are raised with and have inbred into us which make it difficult to keep the D/s alive while riding out difficult times.

Believe me, we also fall victim to it at times, though we work hard to not lose sight of it and fight back against the learned lessons of vanilladom. How do you cope under extreme stress? Do you put it to one side and revert to just dealing the same as everyone else? Why? Do you want to change it and become more inclusive in terms of incorporating D/s at all times in your lives? Do you believe it is possible? Has anyone found the way to do it without struggling to balance everything and succeed? Hopefully this will be a productive discussion as I have found it one of the most common issues facing those who live D/s or M/s as a lifestyle choice, and as such one of the most common things which are straws to break the camel's back so to speak.

http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1111/553878056_2c5a36ef24_t.jpg Catalina

 

[Chris_Xavier]

Are you referring to the "flight or fight" reflex?

 

[catalina_francisco]

No, just plain simple abandonment of D/s or other related choices when something happens such as a relative getting sick, financial problems, health issues, children, basically normal demands of everyone's life from time to time, with a plan to resume it when there are no further stressors involved.

http://farm1.static.flickr.com/134/376824463_a0ed881d79_t.jpg Catalina

 

[ecstaticsub]

No, just plain simple abandonment of D/s or other related choices when something happens such as a relative getting sick, financial problems, health issues, children, basically normal demands of everyone's life from time to time, with a plan to resume it when there are no further stressors involved.

http://farm1.static.flickr.com/134/376824463_a0ed881d79_t.jpg Catalina

My situation is diffrent in that I do not live with my Dom. It is a long distance relationship but I obey his rules and guidelines 24/7. I am also in a vanilla marriage. Of course i realize the many differences between a 24/7 live in D/s or M/s relationship and a LDR like the one I have, and I assume this thread is not to debate those differences or the validity of one or the other.

I've been in my D/s relationship for over 2 years now. We have never abandoned the relationship due to stresses but my Dom has lightened his demands when he has felt it was for the best. He is the one who has always said Family First. He absolutely loves children and respects me for putting my children first. Also when my husband has returned from deployments my Dom has allowed me the time I have needed to give to him and reconnect.

I don't think this weaken the D/s relationship, I think it strengthens it. Your comment about "fighting back the lessons of vanilladom" struck me. You make it sound like there is something wrong or bad about being vanilla. I can easily do both. There is so much out there that pulls at us. Priorities change constantly. I personally think it is a matter of keeping things in perspective. My Dom knows that I love him, knows that we are airtight, knows that I will never disobey him, keep anything from him, betray him,etc so he is secure enough to let me handle the many stresses that living in a vanilla world throws at me. And I do the same for him. He works, he has a family, he has a vanilla life that demands his time.

This does not make us any less devoted to each other and the D/s aspect of our relationship.

 

[ChainedRebel]

I find this to be very situational. Like all aspect of this "lifestyle" it is very dependent on the individuals involved, the relationship and/or the issue in question.

My wife and I do not engage in a 24/7 TPE life so our dominance and submission only plays so much of a role in daily stressors or difficult situations that arise. What's more, I supposse things can viewed differently from different perspectives. My wife is my sexual dominant and to some degree my "life" dominant. She handles all the bills, does the grocery shopping, etc. That to some may seem like the duties of a submissive yet to others might seem perfectly normal for the dominant.

I'm a strong Alpha-male type and that all comes out in me when something "bad" happens. My natural instinct to protect my family (and I don't just mean from violence, but financially, emotionally, etc.) outweighs all my submission. Depending on the situation, either one of us may handle it with input needed from the other or it may be something that requires long discussion and mutual agreement on how to handle it. In short, it just depends.

I don't believe that simply because one is submissive or dominant automatically implies that is or even should be their role in all aspects of a relationship. That is up to the individuals and the relationship they are in.

I know my dominant wife finds it comforting that I am willing to throw myself out in front when a crisis happens. It isn't that she isn't equipped to handle things but perhaps in some way she see me as being protective of her.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Your comment about "fighting back the lessons of vanilladom" struck me. You make it sound like there is something wrong or bad about being vanilla. I can easily do both. There is so much out there that pulls at us. Priorities change constantly. I personally think it is a matter of keeping things in perspective.

Try not to read things in that are not there...IMO, there is a difference to living entirely vanilla/mainstream or D/s...simple fact. WHat I al talking about is that there are people who live 24/7 in a D/s relationship, say it is who they are to the core, and yet at the sign of anything upsetting daily routine, D/s being discarded is the first option they take. If it is who you are, if it is so much a part of you, why push it aside? For me it would be the same as someone living mainstrema pushing aside their relationship, or if they have a strong religious background, saynig they cannot follow or adhere to that until the problems are solved.

We all live in the mainstream world and have to work, pay bills, raise children, interact with family and freinds, but why is it not possible or easy to maintain the fabric of your relationship when it is D/s? As you say, it is about keeping things in perspective and for me if you choose to live D/s 24/7, that remains as much a priority in the whole perspective as anything else. For instance, illness is a fact of life....it can co-exist within a relationship with the D/s IMHO, in some ways it can even make the situation easier to endure. There may be a need to change things a little, but I don't see why the submissive no longer need be submissive, or the Dominant no longer be a Dominant until after the illness is dealt with or under control. That is what I am seeking answers to, ways people have or do cope, and maybe highlighting it need not be thrown out the window at the first or even last hurdle.

Catalina

 

[catalina_francisco]

I find this to be very situational. Like all aspect of this "lifestyle" it is very dependent on the individuals involved, the relationship and/or the issue in question.

My wife and I do not engage in a 24/7 TPE life so our dominance and submission only plays so much of a role in daily stressors or difficult situations that arise. What's more, I supposse things can viewed differently from different perspectives. My wife is my sexual dominant and to some degree my "life" dominant. She handles all the bills, does the grocery shopping, etc. That to some may seem like the duties of a submissive yet to others might seem perfectly normal for the dominant.

I'm a strong Alpha-male type and that all comes out in me when something "bad" happens. My natural instinct to protect my family (and I don't just mean from violence, but financially, emotionally, etc.) outweighs all my submission. Depending on the situation, either one of us may handle it with input needed from the other or it may be something that requires long discussion and mutual agreement on how to handle it. In short, it just depends.

I don't believe that simply because one is submissive or dominant automatically implies that is or even should be their role in all aspects of a relationship. That is up to the individuals and the relationship they are in.

I know my dominant wife finds it comforting that I am willing to throw myself out in front when a crisis happens. It isn't that she isn't equipped to handle things but perhaps in some way she see me as being protective of her.

Thanks for the input..I am not advocating D/s has to be a 24/7 choice of lifestyle (I often caution people against jumping into such a commitment actually)...what I am hoping to discuss is for those who have already made that choice willingly (or wish to), feel it is them to the core of their soul, to look at ways of coping within that model instead of reverting to a previous lifestyle and then jumping back when the heat is off. Sort of like getting married....you commit to that, and as a couple move forward in life, not one bale out and run home to their family the minute they lose their job, get sick, struggle to pay the bills etc. To me it is a similar situation and one which causes a lot of problems in relationships where one has made that commitment expecting it to be maintained and the other has made the same commitment but see it as only a fine weather option. Does that make sense?

Catalina

 

[Evil_Geoff]

You can't put who you are aside, though you can push certain aspects or expressions of who you are into the background for a while when needed.

I'm a sadist. But I don't pull out the floggers and beat janey when there are children present. But they don't keep me from giving her a swat on the bottom with my bare hand now and then either.

I'm her Master, but I don't order her to go naked to the grocery store. But she still calls me "Sir"... She does that in front of her family too.

I'm a Dominant, but I treat wait-staff in the restaurant with courtesy and respect (and get damned good service most of the time... )

When there isn't any money in the bank I don't go to dungeons and play spaces, so I play at home...

I am who I am. I don't stop being who I am if I have a heart attack. Or the tire blows out on the car. Or if my sister goes in the hospital. I look at it this way - there are times and places when this facet of who I am is given free reign. There are other times and places where it is not so evident. It's a matter of what I feel is appropriate to share with others. The D/s is never dropped between me and janey. We just express it boldly in some times and some places, and more quietly in others.

At least so far...

 

[catalina_francisco]

You can't put who you are aside, though you can push certain aspects or expressions of who you are into the background for a while when needed.

I'm a sadist. But I don't pull out the floggers and beat janey when there are children present. But they don't keep me from giving her a swat on the bottom with my bare hand now and then either.

I'm her Master, but I don't order her to go naked to the grocery store. But she still calls me "Sir"... She does that in front of her family too.

I'm a Dominant, but I treat wait-staff in the restaurant with courtesy and respect (and get damned good service most of the time... )

When there isn't any money in the bank I don't go to dungeons and play spaces, so I play at home...

I am who I am. I don't stop being who I am if I have a heart attack. Or the tire blows out on the car. Or if my sister goes in the hospital. I look at it this way - there are times and places when this facet of who I am is given free reign. There are other times and places where it is not so evident. It's a matter of what I feel is appropriate to share with others. The D/s is never dropped between me and janey. We just express it boldly in some times and some places, and more quietly in others.

At least so far...

That is one of the things I admire most about you....you do not stop that part of who you are when a crisis hits, or times are not as peachy as they could be. To me that is because as you say, it is part of who you are...so why do others who say the same drop the ball so to speak? What ways can people use to maintain that balance where it is part of their lives, not something they put aside 'when life happens'?

Catalina

 

[Netzach]

I don't really understand how you "discard" D/s. Or how I'm less Dominant because I choose a certain kind of problem solving for me and mine which doesn't stress powerplay when I'm sick. I make M memorize my meds, go with me to appointments whether he wants to or not, and give him detailed instructions - not so much because he's submissive but because he is useless in a hospital without marching orders. God forbid I ever REALLY get incapacitated - I have to write everything out. None of this trips either or our wires, honestly, I'd rather be on the beach and so would he. I'd much rather have a Jeeves who would have it all under wraps so I could sleep, but that's not forthcoming.

I'm also an artist. I guess I "discarded" art for a while when other stressors took center stage, but I don't think that's uncommon for almost everyone who is, if you look at biographies. Some people can filter all misery through art and reading other biographies you will see certain 5 or 10 year periods that don't produce much. Or it takes 20 years to get a film made or a book done.

You talk of "reverting" and "going back" and "dropping" but what if your concept of your life and your D/s is big enough to say "that's not what we're doing right now" or "that's not WHY we're doing this now." I defy anyone to expect the same level of functionality and the same personality from me on steriods versus off. I am literally a different person.

It's one thing if the sumbissive has to have dispensations and alternate arrangements or not and the vagaries of sickness have to be dealt with but it's entirely another animal when it's the D in some ways - in my personal way of coping it's the job of the submissive to cool his damn jets and put his OWN wants aside till I'm ready.

Why *should* I have the same expectations or those around me? Because you choose to operate that way? Because it's "proper" D/s?

I don't expect people NOT to change. I've done enough of it myself. I try and absorb those changes into power exchange as much as is reasonable to me. PE is there for me the way art is there for me, it's not GOING anywhere so there's no need to freak out over feeling a bit derailed. Maslow and all that - I can handle shifting when food shelter and sanity become the main priorities - sexuality and identity get a whole lot less interesting for a bit.

One thing that's struck me is what a luxury it really is to do all this navel-gazing or to expect relationships that are ideal for us - I'm happier having most of my bases covered and a roof over my head than anything else.

 

[liberatedslave]

My Sir and I are in an LDR and have been for 10 months now. I am his first sub and he is my second Sir. It has been and will be a steep learning curve and we've had ups and downs. We're looking to move in together next year and I have no doubt that our D/s dynamic will become 24/7 sometime after that milestone. It is the basis of our relationship and I would say we were already 24/7 in philosophy but different people qualify the term in different ways.

We have dropped the ball a couple of times. Maintaining our respective roles when under stress requires faith in ourselves and in each other. Because we're both still quite new to D/s we don't always have the confidence and end up on an equal footing for a short period of time.

I have always been independent and have lived alone for years. I'm competent and resourceful and so I sometimes overstep my role and give advice in a less than submissive fashion - especially if I see that Sir is struggling with a problem or issue. He's had to pick me up on this a few times and I'm guilty as charged. I find it hard to rely on someone else to make the right decision for me when I've been so used to managing my own life. It takes a great deal of trust and while I love Sir with all my heart, absolute trust takes time to develop and I'm still getting there.

OTOH He sometimes finds the responsibility of owning me a burden and worries that he'll make a decision that has bad consequences for me or start oppressing me unwittingly until I get fed up and leave. These are ungrounded fears but then I am his first sub and so he's essentially making our dynamic up as he goes along. I trust him to always do his best by me and expect no more than that but sometimes he needs to take off his Dom hat and just relax for a bit. Times of stress are when he has chosen to do this and I accept it as another one of his needs and give him time until he feels good about being in control again. The last thing I ever want to become as his servant it a chore.

Fortunately out hiccups are rare and getting less frequent as we grow together and learn more about each other and ourselves. We try to be positive about everything rather than beat ourselves up over little lapses (though he's free to beat me of course) and our lapses have taught us a lot about how we interact with each other.

 

[JupitersGirl]

I don't know that I am in the best person to answer this as I am not in a 24/7 situation, but I do have some thoughts on the subject.

I am submissive. I am also resourceful, loyal, determined and reliable. I am a sister and a daughter, a professional and a housekepper. I am many things and each facet of my personality comes to the fore as the need arises. Maybe I am not addressing the question you posed, because I don't really see how a person could abandon D/s if that is who they really are at their core. I can see how a person would need to focus their attention on other facets of their being to handle a crisis making it appear, perhaps, as if they were abandoning D/s.

Not too long ago, I lost a beloved pet. My dominant at the time felt it best not make any demands upon me for a few days to give me the time I needed to grieve. While, to others, it might have looked as if the D/s element of our relationship was being abandoned, in fact, it was his way of ensuring the emotional health of his submissive.

Chris may have hit on something with his "fight or flight" suggestion. Perhaps if D/s IS abondoned, it is this basic human instinct at self preservation that is the culprit.

Very interesting topic, Catalina.

 

[FurryFury]

Jupiter's Girl and Netzach pretty much said (better than I could) what I think about this. I'm currently at a crisis point so this hits pretty close to home for me.

All I have to add is that just because you are unable to act on something that is a part of you at a given moment or period in time, does not make it less a part of you.

As Abraham Maslow postulated, we all have our hierarchy of needs. Some things at times, of necessity take priority over sex or D/s for me.

It doesn't mean I have abandoned my relationship with my husband if we don't have sex (or D/s) for three days or however long. There is so much more to our relationship than that.

People do sometimes allow their partners more space when they need to work through things with the end result being that they are in fact in a healthier place, not abandonment.

Then again, I do feel like a failed submissive these days who is, so it seems, abandoning online D/s and my online Master. I'm trying not to hate myself over this and find some peace about it.

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

It's a fine line to walk in crisis and I have no idea what a considered best case scenario might constitute to the general D/s populous . Both immediately inherent & highly valued to me is that certain degrees of D/s dynamic are in fact preserved . Staying respectful in both intent and tone , certain natural abstracts that may exist between dominant & submissive that speak to a degree of conformity can in fact be useful tools at such times. If any thing from my own perspective the semantics of D/s may serve as a strong contributing factor to not only keeping one's footing but also a mutual comfort zone as challenges are potentially reconciled.

 

[liberatedslave]

If any thing from my own perspective the semantics of D/s may serve as a strong contributing factor to not only keeping one's footing but also a mutual comfort zone as challenges are potentially reconciled.

This is very true and one of the reasons I always regret overstepping the mark with Sir because I'm anxious or upset or feeling less than trusting. On a day to day basis we have far less conflict than comparable nilla couples I know and it's specifically because at no stage do I try to steer our boat. He values and works to deserve and command my respect. For my part I seek to serve in whatever way is prudent at the time to alleviate whatever the stressmaker is. Kind of a captain and first mate exchange.

If we stick to our roles and trust in them things do go much more smoothly than if either of us loses our nerve. It is a comfort zone because we both know what to expect from each other and conflict is kept to a minimum if it exists at all. I think we're very lucky to have the dynamic we share because it does work so well.

 

[Etoile]

In an emergency, I will do what needs to be done. If that means taking control, so be it. Being submissive is part of who I am, but it is not all I can be. I strive to be adaptable, not one-sided.

 

[catalina_francisco]

In an emergency, I will do what needs to be done. If that means taking control, so be it. Being submissive is part of who I am, but it is not all I can be. I strive to be adaptable, not one-sided.

I actually wasn't thinking of those aspects of change and adaptability. I actually have a reputation for being highly adaptable also, and taking charge in an emergency in some relationships can still be part of the submissive's responsibility/role, but this discussion is more to do with those who are in situations where one person in the relationship closes down the D/s or M/s either temporarily or permanently, usually giving the reason the closure is because of other things taking priority or presenting too much pressure in one way or another to deal with the D/s element. From places elsewhere, I have seen this is a problem many are having to deal with and are seeking solutions as to how best approach and handle it.

Catalina

 

[Chris_Xavier]

In an emergency, I will do what needs to be done. If that means taking control, so be it. Being submissive is part of who I am, but it is not all I can be. I strive to be adaptable, not one-sided.

I think that is called survival. I could be wrong, though.

 

[catalina_francisco]

It's a fine line to walk in crisis and I have no idea what a considered best case scenario might constitute to the general D/s populous . Both immediately inherent & highly valued to me is that certain degrees of D/s dynamic are in fact preserved . Staying respectful in both intent and tone , certain natural abstracts that may exist between dominant & submissive that speak to a degree of conformity can in fact be useful tools at such times. If any thing from my own perspective the semantics of D/s may serve as a strong contributing factor to not only keeping one's footing but also a mutual comfort zone as challenges are potentially reconciled.

Have to agree with you in what you say. I think there are many ways which you can continue a D/s element, often without noticing. I know I often am surprised when I look at our own situation when a million things are happening and find that there are things we do which have become so common place we sometimes forget it is part of the D/s we committed to. It definately can be a comfort, even if only in it's familiarity when everything else is turning upside down.

Catalina

 

[the captians wench]

I've noticed lately that when I'm under extream stress I go into a complete sub frenzy. Even when I was working 14 hour days there for a bit, at the end of the night all I wanted to do was give everything over. I have to be in charge while I"m at work, I've been working at least 9 hours a day tho mostly 10-12, and 6 day weeks, I have to be strong and be a leader, and all that when all I want to do is give in and follow my Master's every whim. I crave being broken, having all my will stripped from me. but that's just me.

 

[BiBunny]

I'm human first, and Domme or sub (depending on the situation) second. In my experience, life does get in the way sometimes, but it doesn't make me any less Domme or sub just because I have to drop the dynamic for a little while. I tend to be a very private person. My way of dealing with things is to disappear until I get them worked out in my head, and then I'll take action. I'm pretty sure these two things are related somehow. If I have a Dom demanding service or a sub expecting attention while I'm trying to wrap my head around something...well, let's just say the fallout's not going to be pretty. To me, it's not the end of the world if I have to drop D/s for a few days. Given my personality, it's sometimes best for everyone involved to take a break from it and come back refreshed and ready to make the relationship stronger.

 

[Literotti]

It Is Who I Am, Have Always been...

I am one of the ones who has felt this way for as far back as I can remember, though I couldn't understand what I was feeling and could not, for that matter, place a definition on it.

I am sure that my feelings began around the age of 6, but I didn't really understand it until I was 19, when I happened upon some reading material on the subject of dominance and submission.

My first real experiences began in my 20s, when I began seeking out the services of professional dominants. However, I desired to have a close, interpersonal relationship with someone, but just wasn't finding anyone who knew anything about D/S in those days.

All though the years of inner turmoil, I tried to connect with someone who would at least try it as a role-play game. But even though it was the time of the sexual revolution, I found very few women who were into it, and for the most part, those who I did meet were already involved in relationships.

Most of my relationships were vanilla, but I continued to entertain D/S fantasies, but only in the privacy of my mind. I would go through periods of extreme need, only to purge myself and try to ignore those feelings which were not being addressed. I do not remember how often this happened, but I remember throwing away many of the books and toys that I had collected over the years. And once I even managed to successfully purge myself of any desire for women, sex, and D/S; but then I realized that I was only interfering with my own physical well-being.

My social involvement in the scene really began when the Internet first came online. I was very active on Usenet, IRC, and AOL. I met many people in cyberspace, but never quite connected with anyone in real life. That is, until I met some locals who wanted to organize a munch group. I spent over 10 wonderful years exploring D/S with some very good friends, but that recently ended when most of the original founders and core members moved away.

I spent last year completely alone, but at the beginning of this year, I my need came back with a vengeance. Once again, I began posting on various BDSM message boards and writing letters to as many local dominants as I could find, but to date have not even connected personally and physically with anyone. Sure, I've made some friends, but all are in other parts of the country and the world, but I cannot travel or engage in 24/7 because of the current family obligation as caregiver to the only relatives I have who are still living.

I suspect that I am, once again, coming to the end of yet another D/S cycle. I am also not getting any younger, and the chances of finding anyone who is mature and local to me are probably nonexistent. It seems like the more mature women want younger men, and the younger women want partners closer to their own age. But to each her own, and personally I would feel very uncomfortable submitting to a 25-year-old. (No offense to those younger women, but she and I would have little in common outside the realm of D/S.)

I am not bad looking, have actually been mistaken for someone 10 years younger, am exceptionally well-educated, creative, successful, and have many good qualities to offer; but as always, the opportunity to connect has been few and too far away.

I had not intended to write my whole life story and publish it here. This verbose, and often rambling, history was necessary in order for me to explain why I do what I do and how it has effected me over the years. I was once asked whether I thought that D/S was a blessing or a curse for me, and my answer was both.

I sincerely hope that I have addressed the OP's original questions clearly and satisfactorily.

 

[the_pet]

My D/s lifestyle has been what "has got me through" and held it together. In times of crisis especially i've found that the "know your role" of the D/s lifestyle has aided in maintaining sanity and clarity in really tough times when the situations could have gotten really ugly/desperate/frightening.

pet