Chicklet
plays well with self
- Joined
- Apr 8, 2002
- Posts
- 12,302
I've been wandering between "how to" and this forum trying to decide where to post. But I feel like I belong in this forum more than in the others, so this is where I'm planting this little story and my redundant question. It's redundant because I already know the answer, and the how to of it, and the what to do of it... but I can't seem to get past the hurdle that lets it all flow.
My PYL was sleeping with me for nine months before he let me refer to him as my boyfriend. I was already head over heels in love with him, and I truly wanted some sort of emotional response in turn. I wanted to feel wanted, do you know what I mean? Like that song... I want you to want me. He told me that he'd never feel that way about me, so I went to some personals sites and papers, seeking new mates. (cough, yes collarme, cough) - nobody made me flutter like he did.
I went on some of the least satisfying dates imaginable. Every guy just made me think about him, and I even usually ended up babbling at the poor guy I was out with ABOUT my PYL off in another place with my heart in his hand.
After a couple months of that, I went to my PYL and told him that no matter how many guys I went out with, he was still all I could think about. I told him I would either continue this search, or focus on him. He said he'd be my boyfriend, my master, my only guy of the moment, and that I should stop my search.
Begin the best two months of my life! Phone calls every night! Seeing him at least twice a month! Chats during the day, text messages, feeling desired, wanted, appreciated. Heart fluttering nonstop thinking about him. And then, we had a small argument, small in my opinion. Probably the only argument we'd ever had. And he told me he didn't know if he ever wanted to see me again.
Of course I went into grovelling mode. Begging him not to break it off with me. Telling him I loved him, I want to see him, I'll be better, I won't argue with him, etc etc. And so he put me on "probation" = \ I didn't know wtf he meant at the time, but I realize now that he gave me a demotion. I went back to fuck-buddy.
The last couple months I didn't really realize anything had changed. I treated him the same, but he stopped calling. Half of the time he didn't answer my calls. He sits there on msn and doesn't respond to me. Finally he had to spell it out for me: He doesn't want to make me feel wanted anymore, because the last time he did, "it went sour."
Two things weigh heavy in my mind. ONE: I love this guy. He still makes my stomach flipflop. He makes me want to give him EVERYTHING. Spending an hour with him is like heaven... just listening to his voice makes me smile. I can seriously be in the worst, most down, depressed mood... or stressed, or angry, or ANYTHING, and hearing his voice makes me even out. It's euphoric. TWO: it's EXREMELY important to me to feel wanted. I don't want to be the grovelling female greatful for an ounce of attention.
I want to be the submissive, but I'm fully aware of the difference between D/s and emotional abuse.
But just because I recognize it as emotional abuse doesn't mean I can bring myself to break it off.
This last weekend, I went up to see him. He's been cold to me for weeks, but I knew I'd get there and he'd be so, so wonderful. And he was. He draws me up into his arms and makes me flitter. He strokes my hair and makes me feel like the most important creature in the universe. He talks to me. He wanted to know all these things we've never talked about, like what's important in my life. We laughed, we went to movies, we had incredible sex, and it was so, so wonderful.
I hadn't even been home twelve hours before he started ignoring me again. It's so obviously "out of sight out of mind."
The question is: what should I do?
The answer is: Forget about him. Move on. Don't see him any more. Try not to think about him, or if you do think about him, just don't act on it. Be strong. Make the first move. Don't let yourself be used.
See? I know the answer. But I can't break the habit.
I have a friend who smokes. She doesn't *like* smoking. She knows it's not healthy. She tries to quit... but she always ends up with a cigarette back in her mouth.
I'm weak. I know it. I keep thinking "what can I do?" and asking my friends "what should I do?" but really I'm thinking "how can I change his mind?"
I wanted to share. I guess I want some reassurances from people who've maybe gone through this themselves. Or people who understand my weakness. Or maybe I just need a hug.
My PYL was sleeping with me for nine months before he let me refer to him as my boyfriend. I was already head over heels in love with him, and I truly wanted some sort of emotional response in turn. I wanted to feel wanted, do you know what I mean? Like that song... I want you to want me. He told me that he'd never feel that way about me, so I went to some personals sites and papers, seeking new mates. (cough, yes collarme, cough) - nobody made me flutter like he did.
I went on some of the least satisfying dates imaginable. Every guy just made me think about him, and I even usually ended up babbling at the poor guy I was out with ABOUT my PYL off in another place with my heart in his hand.
After a couple months of that, I went to my PYL and told him that no matter how many guys I went out with, he was still all I could think about. I told him I would either continue this search, or focus on him. He said he'd be my boyfriend, my master, my only guy of the moment, and that I should stop my search.
Begin the best two months of my life! Phone calls every night! Seeing him at least twice a month! Chats during the day, text messages, feeling desired, wanted, appreciated. Heart fluttering nonstop thinking about him. And then, we had a small argument, small in my opinion. Probably the only argument we'd ever had. And he told me he didn't know if he ever wanted to see me again.
Of course I went into grovelling mode. Begging him not to break it off with me. Telling him I loved him, I want to see him, I'll be better, I won't argue with him, etc etc. And so he put me on "probation" = \ I didn't know wtf he meant at the time, but I realize now that he gave me a demotion. I went back to fuck-buddy.
The last couple months I didn't really realize anything had changed. I treated him the same, but he stopped calling. Half of the time he didn't answer my calls. He sits there on msn and doesn't respond to me. Finally he had to spell it out for me: He doesn't want to make me feel wanted anymore, because the last time he did, "it went sour."
Two things weigh heavy in my mind. ONE: I love this guy. He still makes my stomach flipflop. He makes me want to give him EVERYTHING. Spending an hour with him is like heaven... just listening to his voice makes me smile. I can seriously be in the worst, most down, depressed mood... or stressed, or angry, or ANYTHING, and hearing his voice makes me even out. It's euphoric. TWO: it's EXREMELY important to me to feel wanted. I don't want to be the grovelling female greatful for an ounce of attention.
I want to be the submissive, but I'm fully aware of the difference between D/s and emotional abuse.
But just because I recognize it as emotional abuse doesn't mean I can bring myself to break it off.
This last weekend, I went up to see him. He's been cold to me for weeks, but I knew I'd get there and he'd be so, so wonderful. And he was. He draws me up into his arms and makes me flitter. He strokes my hair and makes me feel like the most important creature in the universe. He talks to me. He wanted to know all these things we've never talked about, like what's important in my life. We laughed, we went to movies, we had incredible sex, and it was so, so wonderful.
I hadn't even been home twelve hours before he started ignoring me again. It's so obviously "out of sight out of mind."
The question is: what should I do?
The answer is: Forget about him. Move on. Don't see him any more. Try not to think about him, or if you do think about him, just don't act on it. Be strong. Make the first move. Don't let yourself be used.
See? I know the answer. But I can't break the habit.
I have a friend who smokes. She doesn't *like* smoking. She knows it's not healthy. She tries to quit... but she always ends up with a cigarette back in her mouth.
I'm weak. I know it. I keep thinking "what can I do?" and asking my friends "what should I do?" but really I'm thinking "how can I change his mind?"
I wanted to share. I guess I want some reassurances from people who've maybe gone through this themselves. Or people who understand my weakness. Or maybe I just need a hug.
