Svenskaflicka
Fountain
- Joined
- Jun 9, 2002
- Posts
- 16,142
Isolated Bert Thread
- Thread starter Liar
- Start date
Svenskaflicka
Fountain
- Joined
- Jun 9, 2002
- Posts
- 16,142
Potatoe, potato.
If they'd be done in skin, I'd be all for them.
If they'd be done in skin, I'd be all for them.
impressive
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Sep 11, 2003
- Posts
- 27,372
minsue said:
Sesame Street wasn't on cable, at least not around here. It's a PBS show. Where'd ya grow up, Mack? (my curiosity is neverending...)
I grew up in north central Wyoming. Truly one of the more isolated places in the United States. Our biggest "cities" in Wyoming only number 50,000 (of which there are two.) The entire state (one of the larger states of the union) only has a population of 450,000. There are more cows, sheep, and horses than humans in the state. The nearest mall or Walmart or any decent shopping from where I grew up was a three hour drive (Billings, Montana.) Television stations were few and far between; I didn't hear about PBS until I moved out of the house. Driving thirty or forty miles just to visit a friend was considered "normal". My first serious boyfriend lived 30 miles away. The first college I went to was a 2 hour drive from my parents. Many is the time I drove the entire two hours without seeing another single car on the highway.
And if you think that's remote... you should visit northern British Columbia.
I wouldn't trade a minute of growing up that way. But then, we are all products of our environment to some extent.
Svenskaflicka
Fountain
- Joined
- Jun 9, 2002
- Posts
- 16,142
impressive said:
OK, it's not bestiality, but I still think this violates Lit rules SOMEHOW...
LadyJeanne
deluded
- Joined
- Jun 25, 2004
- Posts
- 5,885
Svenskaflicka said:OK, it's not bestiality, but I still think this violates Lit rules SOMEHOW...
Those three fingers are vaguely disturbing...
minsue
Gosling
- Joined
- Apr 27, 2002
- Posts
- 22,062
McKenna said:I grew up in north central Wyoming. Truly one of the more isolated places in the United States. Our biggest "cities" in Wyoming only number 50,000 (of which there are two.) The entire state (one of the larger states of the union) only has a population of 450,000. There are more cows, sheep, and horses than humans in the state. The nearest mall or Walmart or any decent shopping from where I grew up was a three hour drive (Billings, Montana.) Television stations were few and far between; I didn't hear about PBS until I moved out of the house. Driving thirty or forty miles just to visit a friend was considered "normal". My first serious boyfriend lived 30 miles away. The first college I went to was a 2 hour drive from my parents. Many is the time I drove the entire two hours without seeing another single car on the highway.
And if you think that's remote... you should visit northern British Columbia.
I wouldn't trade a minute of growing up that way. But then, we are all products of our environment to some extent.
Sounds lovely, at least to one who grew up in the constantly sprawling/oozing/growing valley of the Phx area (where the many "suburbs" all have over 100,000 people each). Thank you
Dar~
Indefatigable
- Joined
- Mar 3, 2005
- Posts
- 7,338
Waking up Gay On Sesame Street
An exclusive interview with the first gay couple of children’s programming
Mike Ilardi
Bert is the first to arrive. He is small and soft, with a cone-shaped head that stands out like a large erect phallus. Years of smoking have left his skin with a striking crayon-yellow hue. Seeing this famous Muppet in the flesh for the first time, I could understand what Ernie had seen in Bert. I stood in awe as his sensuous unibrow arched up when he scowled at me through his dark-tinted sunglasses. Although obtaining an interview with Bert had been difficult, convincing his now ex-partner to join us had been next to impossible.
"Mind if I smoke?" Bert asks as he pulls out an expensive-looking Cuban cigar. Before I can object, he is taking long drags and blowing perfect smoke rings. I attempt to hide my nervousness as I sit in the presence of arguably one of the most influential stars in television history.
Edward Rueda"So, what’s the deal?" he finally intones, obvious irritation showing through his unnaturally nasal voice. I want to wait for both of them to arrive before I move into the meat of the interview, so we chat about Bert’s recent forays into film.
"Well, you know how it is," he begins. "My previous agent was a real fuck- up, kept booking me on talk shows and shitty B-films. I once played a plush toy. Can you believe that? He even had me auditioning for Jerry Bruckheimer’s upcoming film, Towers of Terror: Attack of the Planes. That’s when I knew I needed someone else..."
Just then, his former other half arrives. Ernie lacks the self-confidence and demanding nature that make Bert a natural to Hollywood. Most of his free time in recent years has been spent giving talks in high schools across America about the dangers of unprotected sex.
"Hey Bert," he says quietly, forcing a smile. Bert simply responds with his odd, oscillating laugh ("henahenaheha"), and it doesn’t sound very sincere. I interrupt the uneasy silence that follows. "Gentlemen, let’s get down to business. I’d first like to ask you about Jim Henson..."
Bert cuts me off. "Oh, Jim was a real visionary. He did some amazing work on ‘the Street.’ Casting us as the first gay couple on a children’s show, it was simply ingenious."
"It wasn’t always easy," Ernie pipes up, "some of the other Muppets are real insensitive bastards. Did you know that Oscar the Grouch was a real homophobe? He and Heinzo the Skinhead tried to have us killed once." Of course I remember the trial. Heinzo ended up in a federal prison. Oscar’s involvement, however, could not be proven, and he was eventually acquitted. "Jim, being the man he was, let him stay on the show," Ernie explains.
I slowly begin to move the conversation to more sensitive matters, namely their off-screen relationship. Visions of hot Muppet sex dance through my imagination. "I think it was fucking obvious that things weren’t going well when we started sleeping in separate beds on the show," Bert angrily interjects.
Edward Rueda"Oh come on, Bert, tell him about how I couldn’t satisfy you anymore," Ernie deadpans sarcastically.
"Go to hell, you little bitch. Why don’t you tell him about Cookie Monster? Fuck it, I’ll tell him. So I come home one night, and there’s fucking cookie crumbs in the bed. He was screwing Cookie Monster, can you believe that? I mean, how could anyone be attracted to an overweight, blue sack of lard that obviously has some kind of severe psychological disorder? " Bert rants.
Ernie is visibly upset by this. "You just weren’t paying enough attention to me anymore. All you cared about were those damned pigeons!"
"Oh yeah, you know what?" Bert retorts. "Today’s show has been brought to you by the letters ’F’ and ’U’! At least Bernice was real! I mean, I wasn’t the one shoving a rubber duck up my ass!"
"Speaking of ass, God knows how many other Muppets you slept with!" Ernie is quick to respond, "I always saw you gazing longingly at Big Bird’s beak."
"What can I say?" Bert grumbles with a smirk and an equally dark tone, "Some Muppets are more well-endowed than others."
"Oh, that is low, you penis-headed bastard...." a devastated Ernie trails off.
"Enough!" I finally shout. I have obviously ventured into uncomfortable territory. The pair refuse to comment further and, one at a time, they march out in angry silence. I think we all learned something important that afternoon: some domestic problems are best left hidden in the bedroom, waiting to one day come out in the form of mass shooting on a popular children’s television show
An exclusive interview with the first gay couple of children’s programming
Mike Ilardi
Bert is the first to arrive. He is small and soft, with a cone-shaped head that stands out like a large erect phallus. Years of smoking have left his skin with a striking crayon-yellow hue. Seeing this famous Muppet in the flesh for the first time, I could understand what Ernie had seen in Bert. I stood in awe as his sensuous unibrow arched up when he scowled at me through his dark-tinted sunglasses. Although obtaining an interview with Bert had been difficult, convincing his now ex-partner to join us had been next to impossible.
"Mind if I smoke?" Bert asks as he pulls out an expensive-looking Cuban cigar. Before I can object, he is taking long drags and blowing perfect smoke rings. I attempt to hide my nervousness as I sit in the presence of arguably one of the most influential stars in television history.
Edward Rueda"So, what’s the deal?" he finally intones, obvious irritation showing through his unnaturally nasal voice. I want to wait for both of them to arrive before I move into the meat of the interview, so we chat about Bert’s recent forays into film.
"Well, you know how it is," he begins. "My previous agent was a real fuck- up, kept booking me on talk shows and shitty B-films. I once played a plush toy. Can you believe that? He even had me auditioning for Jerry Bruckheimer’s upcoming film, Towers of Terror: Attack of the Planes. That’s when I knew I needed someone else..."
Just then, his former other half arrives. Ernie lacks the self-confidence and demanding nature that make Bert a natural to Hollywood. Most of his free time in recent years has been spent giving talks in high schools across America about the dangers of unprotected sex.
"Hey Bert," he says quietly, forcing a smile. Bert simply responds with his odd, oscillating laugh ("henahenaheha"), and it doesn’t sound very sincere. I interrupt the uneasy silence that follows. "Gentlemen, let’s get down to business. I’d first like to ask you about Jim Henson..."
Bert cuts me off. "Oh, Jim was a real visionary. He did some amazing work on ‘the Street.’ Casting us as the first gay couple on a children’s show, it was simply ingenious."
"It wasn’t always easy," Ernie pipes up, "some of the other Muppets are real insensitive bastards. Did you know that Oscar the Grouch was a real homophobe? He and Heinzo the Skinhead tried to have us killed once." Of course I remember the trial. Heinzo ended up in a federal prison. Oscar’s involvement, however, could not be proven, and he was eventually acquitted. "Jim, being the man he was, let him stay on the show," Ernie explains.
I slowly begin to move the conversation to more sensitive matters, namely their off-screen relationship. Visions of hot Muppet sex dance through my imagination. "I think it was fucking obvious that things weren’t going well when we started sleeping in separate beds on the show," Bert angrily interjects.
Edward Rueda"Oh come on, Bert, tell him about how I couldn’t satisfy you anymore," Ernie deadpans sarcastically.
"Go to hell, you little bitch. Why don’t you tell him about Cookie Monster? Fuck it, I’ll tell him. So I come home one night, and there’s fucking cookie crumbs in the bed. He was screwing Cookie Monster, can you believe that? I mean, how could anyone be attracted to an overweight, blue sack of lard that obviously has some kind of severe psychological disorder? " Bert rants.
Ernie is visibly upset by this. "You just weren’t paying enough attention to me anymore. All you cared about were those damned pigeons!"
"Oh yeah, you know what?" Bert retorts. "Today’s show has been brought to you by the letters ’F’ and ’U’! At least Bernice was real! I mean, I wasn’t the one shoving a rubber duck up my ass!"
"Speaking of ass, God knows how many other Muppets you slept with!" Ernie is quick to respond, "I always saw you gazing longingly at Big Bird’s beak."
"What can I say?" Bert grumbles with a smirk and an equally dark tone, "Some Muppets are more well-endowed than others."
"Oh, that is low, you penis-headed bastard...." a devastated Ernie trails off.
"Enough!" I finally shout. I have obviously ventured into uncomfortable territory. The pair refuse to comment further and, one at a time, they march out in angry silence. I think we all learned something important that afternoon: some domestic problems are best left hidden in the bedroom, waiting to one day come out in the form of mass shooting on a popular children’s television show
Extreme Bohunk
Bongo Fury
- Joined
- Aug 21, 2004
- Posts
- 2,589
impressive said:
*coffee spray*
Pam digs the Unibrow!
I can't stop laughing.
Similar threads
