Is this worth keeping?

[LoquiSordidaAdMe]

Last night I wrote a passage for my current WIP that I thought was pretty good. But reading it over again now, I'm not so sure and I could really use some help deciding if this is a darling that needs to die.

The context: My narrator, an older man, is busy repairing his roof while having second thoughts about sleeping with a much younger woman...

My mood—which had started out so great after last night's amazing experience—became as tattered as that old roof. For every hole in my guilty conscience I shingled over with a new rationalization, I found another shameful gap worn through by age.

So what do you think? Clever, well-crafted metaphor? Or over-wrought English-teacher bait? I like it, but I fear it might be too much.

Any advice or perspective would be appreciated.

 

[oggbashan]

Probably keep but not for the current story.

It looks like one of the pieces that should be 'Kill your darlings'.

 

[SimonDoom]

Last night I wrote a passage for my current WIP that I thought was pretty good. But reading it over again now, I'm not so sure and I could really use some help deciding if this is a darling that needs to die.

The context: My narrator, an older man, is busy repairing his roof while having second thoughts about sleeping with a much younger woman...



So what do you think? Clever, well-crafted metaphor? Or over-wrought English-teacher bait? I like it, but I fear it might be too much.

Any advice or perspective would be appreciated.

I think you've got a workable idea and are headed toward a good metaphor, but the writing of it is somewhat loose and some of the word choices are too inexact. For example, the mood goes from "great", which is an inexact, so-so word, to "tattered." That doesn't quite work. Then you shift from mood to conscience. I can't quite make sense of the following sentence. If you shingle over a hole in a guilty conscience, then you'd have, presumably, a good, solid guilty conscience, but I'm not sure what that means. And why are gaps in the conscience "shameful"? And why are they worn through by age rather than something else, like an accumulation of shameful deeds?

I don't mean to be discouraging, because I think you're onto something here, but I'd recommend tightening it up.

 

[NotWise]

My mood—which had started out so great after last night's amazing experience—became as tattered as that old roof. For every hole in my guilty conscience I shingled over with a new rationalization, I found another shameful gap worn through by age.

I like it. It probably won't be lost on your regular readers, and it seems too short to qualify for assassination.

 

[eroticstoryspinner]

"My mood—which had started out so great after last night's amazing experience—became as tattered as that old roof. For every hole in my guilty conscience I shingled over with a new rationalization, I found another shameful gap worn through by age."

The prior suggestions are all well taken as far as tightening things up a bit. Whether it's over blown or not might need some context. Was the younger partner his best friend's wife, daughter, granddaughter, HIS granddaughter? Was hew cheating on his wife? etc. This is a whole lot of guilt and angst going for what might have been a connection with an relative stranger, if you take my meaning.

 

[JPGmvny]

"My mood—which had started out so great after last night's amazing experience—became as tattered as that old roof. For every hole in my guilty conscience I shingled over with a new rationalization, I found another shameful gap worn through by age."

Why would the mood be tattered? I think you have something here, but your mood is overwhelmed by your conscience and with each pang of guilt that you shingle over with a rationalization, yet another appears.

 

[TarnishedPenny]

Put it aside - for now. It may need to ripen a bit, but it’s got a very good theme. The best whiskey needs to age, too.

 

[SamScribble]

Nice idea. But the execution is a bit clunky. I'd suggest that you 'put it in a drawer' for a few days.

Good luck.

 

[Tio_Narratore]

A potentially good simile, I think (not a metaphor - "as tattered as" - though it does become metaphoric in the next sentence), depending on the context. It only works if he's had many thoughts and fantasies about the younger woman.

I do have a problem with the choice of "tattered," however. I would find it more appropriate for something cloth-like rather than rigid shingles. I wouldn't suggest changing it to a thatched roof, though, unless you've set the tale in a Cotswold cottage and have him rethatching. I likely would have used "as shot through with holes as," but that's really just a personal preference.

I would keep the image, though; I think it a good one for use somewhere if not here.

 

[yukonnights]

Last night I wrote a passage for my current WIP that I thought was pretty good. But reading it over again now, I'm not so sure and I could really use some help deciding if this is a darling that needs to die.

The context: My narrator, an older man, is busy repairing his roof while having second thoughts about sleeping with a much younger woman...

My mood—which had started out so great after last night's amazing experience—became as tattered as that old roof. For every hole in my guilty conscience I shingled over with a new rationalization, I found another shameful gap worn through by age.

So what do you think? Clever, well-crafted metaphor? Or over-wrought English-teacher bait? I like it, but I fear it might be too much.

Any advice or perspective would be appreciated.

My first impression; I love the imagery. My more questioning thought; Is this "thought" in the proper voice of the older man? It seems a bit too elaborate for a thought to me. You're in first person which should reflect more accurately the older man's 'inner voice'. (If it were third person omniscient it would be quite inspiring.) However, maybe he thinks in these lofty terms in other places of the story?

 

[SimonDoom]

I think this is a cool idea so I've thought about it some more.

If I were you I would simplify it. Which is like the old roof: your mood or your conscience? They're two different things.

I would confine the metaphor to one sentence or at least abbreviate. You could say something like "my conscience leaked like an old roof" or something along those lines. But don't get too elaborate or it begins to sound strained. It's OK for a metaphor to be a bit vague; better that than for it to be explained past the breaking point.

 

[ElectricBlue]

Don't agonize over a single paragraph. Write the rest of the story, and if it's still got a place in the overall theme, it will come good or get thrown away.

If you're using it as a very deliberate, conscious device my gut feel is that it might seem forced when all is said and done. But, we don't have the full context, so we don't know how else you've worked in the roof-builder metaphor.

Listen to your doubt, but trust your confidence.

 

[Polyacrylate]

It's got potential, and there is some really good advice on this thread. It seems odd to me is that the narrator is directly thinking the simile. That isn't bad, just strange.

Ask yourself: is this guy pretentious, or practical? Does he voice his thoughts symbolically, with metaphor or simile at other points in the story, or is this a unique instance? If it is unique, why would he do so just here? How deep in his POV are we?

Were I writing something like this, I'd go for something more like:


Every attempt to rationalize the previous night failed, and also brought mistakes of my misspent youth to light. With renewed focus, I continued working on the tattered roof and tried to put aside my misdeeds. Unfortunately, as I worked, the very holes I was trying to repair grew, and gaps widened. The older patches, it seemed, had been worn through with age.


Something like that (but, y'know, better.) makes more sense to my eyes, because the narrator isn't explicitly stating the simile, he is stating how he feels, and the scene and narration makes a metaphor for the reader. My tastes are probably not standard, let alone the majority, so your results may vary.

With all that said, it's your story. Give it some thought, and do what seems best with it. Good luck.

 

[LoquiSordidaAdMe]

To paraphrase Tolkien, "Go not to the AH for counsel, for they will say both yes and no."

Seriously though, this has been tremendously helpful. You've all raised excellent points, and asked insightful questions that have given me the perspective I needed. I think you've all brought me to the conclusion that while the passage does the job I need it to in the narrative, stylistically it clashes in my story. It's a replica Louis XIV side table in an Ikea living room. I need to stop trying to be clever and write essentially the same thing with less flair.

Now I just have to find the words. My thanks to you all.

 

[gordo12]

Last night I wrote a passage for my current WIP that I thought was pretty good. But reading it over again now, I'm not so sure and I could really use some help deciding if this is a darling that needs to die.

The context: My narrator, an older man, is busy repairing his roof while having second thoughts about sleeping with a much younger woman...

Quote: My mood—which had started out so great after last night's amazing experience—became as tattered as that old roof. For every hole in my guilty conscience I shingled over with a new rationalization, I found another shameful gap worn through by age.

So what do you think? Clever, well-crafted metaphor? Or over-wrought English-teacher bait? I like it, but I fear it might be too much.

Any advice or perspective would be appreciated.

Personally being an old fart the lines resonated with me. I had to reread the second sentence again. For some reason it tripped me up. Perhaps something like As I shingled over every hole in my guilty conscious with a new rationalization, I found...

Just a suggestion but overall I like it.