Is this typical male behavior?

[April]

My husband just loves to commit us to things like parties, weddings, and the like without bothering to ask me if I want to go! I hate this, and he knows it! Yet he won't stop doing it. Every time this happens, we get into a big fight about it, and he apologizes, we go to the thing because he committed us, and I have a totally crappy time. I have tried explaining my point of view to him, and it doesn't work. I've tried yelling, and it still doesn't work. I'm starting to think he's a social event whore! He just can't say no! I have never done this to him, so I can't understand why he keeps doing this to me.


I truly hate going to squadron parties, and weddings of people I have never met, and I swear next time I'm gonna make him go alone! Does anybody else have this problem? Is this male behavior, or just being a jerk?

 

[CreamyLady]

I don't think it's a guy thing. I think it is just your husband's inability to disappoint anyone but you.

Instead of screaming, just let him go alone next time, and treat yourself to a hot bath, a movie, something that YOU enjoy, and let him know what a great time you had.

 

[Dixon Carter Lee]

If you have to ask I think you know the answer. Of course he's being a jerk, and, yes, all men like to have control. My wife and I use a commone calendar on the wall at home. We never fight about not informing each other about events, because if it's not on the calendar, it doesn't count. We yell at the calendar instead of each other.

 

[April]

Thanks, Creamy Lady. I post on your thread, you post on mine!

DCL, I don't know if it's about control, but when people at work ask him if "we" would like to do something, he says yes before he even asks me! And sometimes he even forgets to tell me for weeks! And calendars are not the problem. We have 3 different ones! The thing is, he doesn't really want to hang out with anyone, but keeps committing us to events. I just don't understand! ACK!

 

[Beebeeblue]

Oh no, my hubby pulls none of those stunts. He knows better. Of course, after him pulling 60hr weeks, he could care less about what others are doing around him.

 

[CreamyLady]

Seriously, whatever is going on here is somewhat deeper than accepting all invitations and forgetting to tell you about them. He's clearly pushing your buttons about something.

Personally, I wouldn't play anymore. When he mentions an invitation, tell him politely that you just can't go. Let him go alone if it is that important, or face the embarrassment (if it is an embarrassment) of calling and cancelling at the last minute.

Don't fight. See what happens when you just don't play -- whatever the real issue is might have a chance of coming to the surface and you can confront that.

 

[Boo]

April:

I don't think it is a gender thing. But, it does appear tht you and your husband are not on the same wave length when it comes to social commitments. He obviously feels like he needs to make social appearances at public functions and also, seems to want his wife by his side. If your problem is that you don't feel that things are important and also are uninterested in appearing, you need to make this clear to him or be prepared for a life time of resentment. If on the other hand you are peeved because he doesn't bother to tell you, you need to make him understand it is not the events you resent but his accepting the obligation for you and then springing them on you at the last minute. Either way it sounds like you are both going to have to compromise a little.....you by agreeing to make certain appearances with him just because he wants you to, not because you are necessarily interested. And him, well he is going to have to start telling you about them before accepting and being prepared if you decline and decide to go out and do your own thing instead. Discussing the situation before it arises again is key though. Yelling will never ever ever make things work out. Good luck.
Boo

 

[Treat]

It isn't just a male thing. My ex-wife would do the same thing knowing that I would be to tired to enjoy what ever it was even if I wanted to go. The best thing to do is tell him once more not to do it, and then make him go alone. If he continues, then you continue. Eventually, he will run out of excuses to tell people when they ask where you are, and realize, hopefully, that he needs to talk to you first. Or you can pull a good one and tell him, and do plan it too, that you had decided to make an evening or day for just you and he. If he chooses the event he committed to and forgoes what you planned, then not only is he being a jerk, but an inconsiderate person, who just loves to do things to piss you off. Sorry if I offend you in anyway by saying that but that is the way I see it.

 

[Enigma777]

I sure hope that this is not typical male behavior.

It sounds to me like your husband is taking you for granted... just assuming you will go along, and not being very considerate of your feelings.

I myself took my wife for granted when we first got together - just assuming that she loved me enough to just "go along with it". I had an awakening and realized that I was not taking her feeling into consideration. I was single for the first 25 years of my life, and then I found myself having to consider her feelings. After I realized that, things started down the right path.

 

[Thumper]

Perhaps......

He may just genuinely want you to accompany him...I do not enjoy attending these types of events alone. Is it possible that you may be having a "crappy time" as a sort of self fulfilling prophecy...."Mad about going so I will not enjoy this." I have found myself doing this at functions I would rather not attend....My High School graduation is the most vivid recollection. Just a thought. Do what CL says on some of the situations. Just stay home and hang on the BB

 

[Randyrandy]

If you two are that different, maybe you need to get a new husband. That was the first thought that came to mind. Two people can't be happy together if one of them is not happy. SORRY, but that is how i see relationships.

 

[Ambrosious]

I agree with the general consensus and just don't go. Don't fight about it, just don't go. My wife and I get to spend so little time together so when she pulled stunts like that in the past, I got peeved. I just wanted to spend time with her, alone. It took one cancellation on my part for her to wise up. And I spent the night watching tv. Very soothing.

 

[Earthgoddess]

Make him pay for it...

My hubby used to drag me to military functions where everyone rehashed Vietnam-he is not a vet-and after yet another hideous party I came unglued and developed a game plan. The host used racial slurs and "Hamburger Hill" and "Full Metal Jacket" were blasting on the tv throughout the party...the food was awful,the drinks were bad-the company was the pits-did I mention that this was our Millenium New Years Eve?? Well I had given up a very lucrative catering job to attend this fiasco and was really disappointed at our night. I decided then and there to set some really strong boundaries-he has to be my sex slave in return for my attendance. And if the party really sucks, after one hour I can politely request to go-but I must approach the event in a positive way. I have found that sometimes I can actually enjoy elements of the party-if for no other reason than the anticipation of the oral attention later. But I have also learned to be creative with my fun- I seek out things/people/pets that interest me-even if it is simply the idea that the host made really good sour cream and onion dip.As an example, "My this dip is wonderful,and look at those lovely D-Day place mats...My,My what you can do with tuna fish cans and gum wrappers-bless you heart, a taxidermied kitten as a centerpiece."-everything can be performance art if you know where to look. Then apres the fete I get lots of sex and a sense of satisfaction that I gave some time to my husband.

[Edited by Earthgoddess on 07-07-2000 at 06:50 PM]

 

[Bodizefi]

Actually I find this very strange. Males traditionally do not like to go to social gatherings like this. it's usually the females dragging them kicking and screaming to weddings, parties, and the such. Have you considered the fact that he may be a repressed homosexual?

 

[FlamingoBlue]

I believe

that this is typical passive-aggressive behavior. The solution is simple. Next time he does it, stay home. All you do by complying
is to reinforce his behavior and build up a great deal of resentment.

By the way, this type of behavior is gender nuetral. We all do it, if we are allowed.

 

[Nogard]

From the wording of your post, I presume that he is in the military. Pressure to attend this type of event is unbelievable unless someone nas been there. That does not excuse his behavion tho, he can always explain your absence, it is quite common for people to have other commitments whether they like it or not. As someone suggested, don't go. Let him come up with the reason why you couldn't be there. A couple of times and he'll get the message.

 

[Blues]

This is definately NOT a guy thing. I would do almost anything to avoid these kind of events, and have stayed home if plans to attend an event were made without asking me first.

 

[Skibum]

April, in your post you mention Squadron functions. From that I assume your husband is in the Air Force. As a former Army officer, I can tell you that attendence at those is not optional for him, and if he is planning on a career in the Air Force, for you as well. I know that they are dull, boring, and a waste of time, but for a career soldier they are a necessary evil.

 

[Weird Harold]

I know that they are dull, boring, and a waste of time, but for a career soldier they are a necessary evil.

April, Skibum makes a good point as far as Squadron functions are concerned. That does not excuse his neglecting to let you know ahead of time.

A suggestion:

Get invovled with OWC/NCOWC activities, and commit him to help out at a few of their functions. Perhaps a taste of his own medicine would wake him up.

 

[April]

Thanks, everybody, for posting your thoughts. I appreciate it. I have decided to just not go if he pulls this again. In all fairness, I need to say that he doesn't do this often, but when it happens, it's very irritating. Most of the time, these things are not military related, but off-duty happenings with people he works with. I just feel like he doesn't respect me in this area, and we will work on this.

We have been at this assignment just under a year, and are hoping really hard to get out of here soon! The last base, this was not so much a problem, as we knew a lot of people, and both of us had friends. We've been married for 13 years, and he's been in the mil. for 14, so I am quite familiar with the way things work. No harshness intended here. Again, thanks for posting your thoughts on this.