Is this story too much?

[dis_pac]

I recently posted a story here called ]"Counting Down the Storm"[/COLOR]. It is a dark story that is not really erotic at all. Other than an erotic scene near the beginning with the main character and his soon-to-be-exgirlfriend the rest is just his downward spiral into despair.

It is recieving OK reviews but is not on the "hot" list. Would I have been better off toning down the sex and putting it in as non-erotic? Or is it just too dark? does it fit anywhere on lit? Or is it a good story and I shouldn't worry about it?

Please read it if you feel like it and give me some feedback, I have gotten very little.

Thanks in advance.

(Feel free to lamb-baste me if need be )

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Well, it's very ambitious and parts of it it are very, very good, but you know, I'm afraid I just didn't care much for Damien, so I didn't really care what happened to him. I thought his reaction to the break-up was self-indulgent and too melodramatic. The rain, the booze, the speeding car... He just fell apart so completely. You knew it wasn't going to turn out well, and is there anything entertaining about watching someone kill themselves with sleaze?

So I guess in that sense the answer is yes, maybe it was too much. Not that it was too gritty and horrifying, but that his reaction was kind of adolescent and maybe a bit predictable once it got going. I kind of wanted to tell him that she obviously wasn't worth it, and the fact that he couldn't see that made me lose interest in him.

Really though, I don't know what you could have done to make him more engaging without screwing up the story structure, so maybe the fault is in the story itself.

But the writing was very good. The first scene with the car was brilliant, very fast and rhythmic, and the whole conceit with the thunder counting was excellent.

One thing though. Maybe it's just me, but I really hate to see pop music (or any kind of music) used so prominently in a story to establish a mood. I don't know this song, and so all your references to it meant nothing to me. I've seen a lot of writers do this--use a piece of music to try and establish a mood or tone in a story--and it seems to me that they forget that not everyone knows the music or feels about it the way they do.

It was a good story though. It just missed being very good.

 

[dis_pac]

Thanks for the feedback

Well, it's very ambitious and parts of it it are very, very good, but you know, I'm afraid I just didn't care much for Damien, so I didn't really care what happened to him. I thought his reaction to the break-up was self-indulgent and too melodramatic. The rain, the booze, the speeding car... He just fell apart so completely. You knew it wasn't going to turn out well, and is there anything entertaining about watching someone kill themselves with sleaze?

So I guess in that sense the answer is yes, maybe it was too much. Not that it was too gritty and horrifying, but that his reaction was kind of adolescent and maybe a bit predictable once it got going. I kind of wanted to tell him that she obviously wasn't worth it, and the fact that he couldn't see that made me lose interest in him.

Really though, I don't know what you could have done to make him more engaging without screwing up the story structure, so maybe the fault is in the story itself.

But the writing was very good. The first scene with the car was brilliant, very fast and rhythmic, and the whole conceit with the thunder counting was excellent.

One thing though. Maybe it's just me, but I really hate to see pop music (or any kind of music) used so prominently in a story to establish a mood. I don't know this song, and so all your references to it meant nothing to me. I've seen a lot of writers do this--use a piece of music to try and establish a mood or tone in a story--and it seems to me that they forget that not everyone knows the music or feels about it the way they do.

The funny thing is that I didn't like the character either, perhaps that's why I let him do what he did, because I didn't care what happened to him either. I envisioned him being a little off to begin with and his girlfriend to be a real controlling bitch, which was what really set him off, her leaving him made him empty because she had taken him over during their relationship. I couldn't figure out how to demonize her further without altering the flow of the story, I was always concerned about this.

As for the music, yeah perhaps it shouldn't have been included, it was the original inspiration, I heard the song and the storyline started coming out in my head. I had hoped that by including it those who knew the song could use it to help deepen the mood, and those that didn't may perhaps find the mood in the lyrics. Perhaps I missed on this one.

I do really appreciate the feedback and the positive things you had to say.

It was a good story though. It just missed being very good.

A little kick in the ass goes a long way, next time I'll aim just a little higher