Is this story too advanced?

[Ben_A_Vanguarde]

Hello,
Jimmy’s Girl Friend is a very short story (word goal 1,000, actual 1,340) with a twist at the end. Certain elements were deliberately left out (was Enrica the first wife or mistress of the 50-ish man?) for the sake of brevity and relevance.

My question concerns the Non-Erotic readers in this site. The readers leaving comments seem to have gotten the story elements wrong. Am I assuming too high a reading comprehension level? Do think the story elements should be more elaborately described to the reader?

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=505381

Thanks,
Ben A. Vanguarde

 

[Darkniciad]

Are you talking about the one commenter that incorrectly attributed the wheelchair to your ghostly lass instead of Jimmy? Could have been poor word choice on the part of the commenter, or perhaps he/she did just read it too quickly and come across with the wrong impression.

Non-Erotic is a low-traffic area of the site. Most people are coming here for a quick wank. There are readers who appreciate a clever tale -- they just aren't the dominant part of the traffic.

As to the story, it left me a little unsatisfied. BUT, the reason for that is that I was really interested in the characters. Why did she appear to our protagonist? Why did she move from her ghostly anchor point? Was the priest at least effective while he was there, and she just skipped out until he buggered off?

There are just a lot of things I'd like to have seen explored. You just ended it too quickly for me

The one complaint I have is that the dialogue seems somewhat dry and unnatural. In her case, she's a product of another era, so it's understandable once you know that. In our protagonist's case, he's an older man, so it likewise doesn't bump so much.

It's Jimmy's dialogue that is the "bump point" for me. It's just comes across too proper and carefully constructed to me for someone who would mutter about a "crazy old man" while standing right next to him ( half deaf or not ) and purposely ignore him by putting on the headphones the moment he gets in the car.

Anyway, I got off the track of the actual question, didn't I? *laugh*

I liked it. Just wish there had been more of it.