Is this story really that much worse?

[JaxonHill]

So, most of my stories are 4+ ratings which is nice to see. But this one has never been above a 4star rating. I don't think its that much worse than my others... but *shrug* what do I know?

https://www.literotica.com/s/tangled-web-ch-04

If anyone has some time to check it out and give me some feedback I'd appreciate it!

 

[AlinaX]

Well, you're overdoing the Ethan, if nothing else.
Could do with fixing the grammar and rhythm of dialogue tagging.
I guess all the texting with its emojis etc. gets a little irritating.
Also, it's in First Time category but it's basically a masturbation event, so there's a possible disconnect from expectations.

 

[AG31]

So, most of my stories are 4+ ratings which is nice to see. But this one has never been above a 4star rating. I don't think its that much worse than my others... but *shrug* what do I know?

https://www.literotica.com/s/tangled-web-ch-04

If anyone has some time to check it out and give me some feedback I'd appreciate it!

I guess I'm the wrong person to respond, as I don't text (unless forced to to get into my bank or something). So this story just didn't work for me. But I wanted to reply, just to be supportive in your quest for feedback.

 

[gunhilltrain]

So, most of my stories are 4+ ratings which is nice to see. But this one has never been above a 4star rating. I don't think its that much worse than my others... but *shrug* what do I know?

https://www.literotica.com/s/tangled-web-ch-04

If anyone has some time to check it out and give me some feedback I'd appreciate it!

First of all, the chapters in a series usually but not always will drop in scores after the first one. Possibly the novelty starts to wear out for the readers.

It's also very difficult to predict how a story will score. Sometimes it seems that, despite having followers, different, almost random groups of people will be voting on a certain day.

Also, I'm 68. Did people that age really use that many emojis? It's as if they've forgotten how to write. I guess you would know better than I would. Anyway, maybe the emojis would look better in italics rather than within quotation marks. That's just a guess, because I've never had to deal with the situation.

I do use emojis on the forums so that people will be sure that I'm kidding them about something.

 

[JaxonHill]

Also, I'm 68. Did people that age really use that many emojis?

LOL

for sure.

I’ve had entire conversations that are mostly emojis

 

[JaxonHill]

Well, you're overdoing the Ethan, if nothing else.
Could do with fixing the grammar and rhythm of dialogue tagging.
I guess all the texting with its emojis etc. gets a little irritating.
Also, it's in First Time category but it's basically a masturbation event, so there's a possible disconnect from expectations.

Good points. Thanks.

 

[JaxonHill]

I guess I'm the wrong person to respond, as I don't text (unless forced to to get into my bank or something). So this story just didn't work for me. But I wanted to reply, just to be supportive in your quest for feedback.

You should try some sexting… it can be quite fun

 

[alohadave]

Also, I'm 68. Did people that age really use that many emojis? It's as if they've forgotten how to write.

Like totally. Same as it always was. Not to be mean, but old people always say that about younger people.

They don't even teach penmanship and cursive writing anymore.

 

[gunhilltrain]

Like totally. Same as it always was. Not to be mean, but old people always say that about younger people.

They don't even teach penmanship and cursive writing anymore.

I think it was Plato or Aristotle who noted the same thing two thousand years ago.

Not to be mean Dave, but it will catch up with you too faster than you think. Like when I saw the original Blade Runner (1982), there's a title card that says something like "Los Angeles November 2019." When I saw that, I probably thought, "That's a long time from now. I can't imagine it." Now it's four years ago! Still waiting for those replicants.

 

[ElectricBlue]

The communication via texts and the triteness of the conversation makes this read like a mid-school teenager fantasy.

Setting that aside, texting is in effect dialogue - that's how you're using it here - so you should punctuate as you would dialogue. You're inconsistent and mostly incorrect.

"You should be using commas instead of fullstops," he said.

I gave up after about five hundred words. It became too much effort to read. One assumes, therefore, that your other stories are better.

 

[JaxonHill]

The communication via texts and the triteness of the conversation makes this read like a mid-school teenager fantasy.

Setting that aside, texting is in effect dialogue - that's how you're using it here - so you should punctuate as you would dialogue. You're inconsistent and mostly incorrect.

"You should be using commas instead of fullstops," he said.

I gave up after about five hundred words. It became too much effort to read. One assumes, therefore, that your other stories are better.

OOF! Lol, painful, but thanks for the feedback.

I actually agree that it would read like a mid-school teenage fantasy because most of the context is close to that spot. So I don't necessarily think that's a negative, unless people just don't like reading it lol. But it is (essentially) what I was going for.

If you don't mind (it sounds like you didn't read this far)... but if you can... I tried to write it to capture that awkward moment when you're flipping between texts, trying to handle multiple conversations and pushes, while also living in the real world. Did it capture any of that do you think? Or did I fall on my face with this one?

 

[gunhilltrain]

You should try some sexting… it can be quite fun

About the only people I text are my daughter, my sister, and the superintendent of my building; sometimes my ex-wife. Sexting? With other social security recipients? It's likely that they don't want to hear from me either.

 

[gunhilltrain]

OOF! Lol, painful, but thanks for the feedback.

I actually agree that it would read like a mid-school teenage fantasy because most of the context is close to that spot. So I don't necessarily think that's a negative, unless people just don't like reading it lol. But it is (essentially) what I was going for.

If you don't mind (it sounds like you didn't read this far)... but if you can... I tried to write it to capture that awkward moment when you're flipping between texts, trying to handle multiple conversations and pushes, while also living in the real world. Did it capture any of that do you think? Or did I fall on my face with this one?

One relatively small issue: it's a bit confusing to have the father and son named Elliott and Ethan. I know, reading comprehension, but I had trouble distinguishing between the two at times.

I don't know how you did with the texting aspect because, as I mentioned above, it's not something I've had much experience with.

 

[AmberSolis]

There's probably nothing wrong with the story. It's just that you never know how any story will be received. Either initially, or over time.

 

[JaxonHill]

There's probably nothing wrong with the story. It's just that you never know how any story will be received. Either initially, or over time.

fair

 

[JaxonHill]

One relatively small issue: it's a bit confusing to have the father and son named Elliott and Ethan. I know, reading comprehension, but I had trouble distinguishing between the two at times.

I don't know how you did with the texting aspect because, as I mentioned above, it's not something I've had much experience with.

Yeeeeeeaaaaahhhhhhh.... LOL I definitely realized that. I mix them up and have to fix it a lot.

 

[ElectricBlue]

OOF! Lol, painful, but thanks for the feedback.

I actually agree that it would read like a mid-school teenage fantasy because most of the context is close to that spot. So I don't necessarily think that's a negative, unless people just don't like reading it lol. But it is (essentially) what I was going for.

If you don't mind (it sounds like you didn't read this far)... but if you can... I tried to write it to capture that awkward moment when you're flipping between texts, trying to handle multiple conversations and pushes, while also living in the real world. Did it capture any of that do you think? Or did I fall on my face with this one?

Yeah, probably a bit brutal, but if one pussy foots around, maybe it's not good feedback.

Truthfully, I'm not your audience. The notion of sexting on a phone is one of the least erotic forms of communication I can think of, so any commentary from me would be irrelevant. I'd just say, call the person and have a proper conversation.

 

[JaxonHill]

Yeah, probably a bit brutal, but if one pussy foots around, maybe it's not good feedback.

Truthfully, I'm not your audience. The notion of sexting on a phone is one of the least erotic forms of communication I can think of, so any commentary from me would be irrelevant. I'd just say, call the person and have a proper conversation.

Fair enough

 

[gunhilltrain]

OOF! Lol, painful, but thanks for the feedback.

I actually agree that it would read like a mid-school teenage fantasy because most of the context is close to that spot. So I don't necessarily think that's a negative, unless people just don't like reading it lol. But it is (essentially) what I was going for.

If you don't mind (it sounds like you didn't read this far)... but if you can... I tried to write it to capture that awkward moment when you're flipping between texts, trying to handle multiple conversations and pushes, while also living in the real world. Did it capture any of that do you think? Or did I fall on my face with this one?

I assume by mid-school you mean what is called in New York junior high school, or just to add to the confusion, "intermediate" school for some of them - a relatively new term. Basically, it's grades six through eight, far too young for Lit.

If I may drift the thread a bit, my school has a Facebook page. I especially like movie listings from the 1970's. I've used the Paradise for a couple of erotic scenes in stories, because it was so big and mostly empty during weekday afternoon showings. Every one of those theaters is now gone and most have been converted to other uses.

https://www.facebook.com/groups/macombsJHS82bx/?locale=es_LA

https://www.facebook.com/photo/?fbi...=gm.10167714716460074&idorvanity=187221835073