Is this story really as bad as it has been rated?

[Sweetiegirl_3369]

Just posted a new story and got some bad feedback and though it's not my normal storyline and something new, I was curious if it really is as bad as it is being voted. Any feedback would be wonderful.
thank you
sweetiegirl

The storm before the calm
http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=226475

 

[LovnMaster]

How bad?

1st let me say that I am not the best writer nor probably the best critic. So anything I say MUST be taken with a grain of salt.

I personaly found myself stumbling over what seems to me poorly worded descriptions in the beginning. Its difficult to explain it just seemed awkward.

You asked him what he was doing there but he NEVER answered. strange for a lover.

Once you got to the sex it was great

Put it asside for a week or so. Then pick it up and read it from a fresh perspective not just a quick proofread for faults but really read it only for what is on the page. If you still love remember that even the best writers do not have a best seller every time if you still like it that is what matters most.

I have only recently began posting to literotica for this very reason I didn't want anyone cutting down things I had put so much effort into.

I wish you all the best.

Lovn

 

[Divine Deception]

For starters, I’m a newbie at this – so bare with me. I’ll try to be as clear as I can when explaining.

Problems

* Introduction- I for one am the type of reader who likes a stories beginning to just ‘jump’ so to speak. I had a very hard time connecting with the beginning of this story, it seemed a bit jumbled and your descriptions seemed a bit lacking.

* Word Choices – Some of the words you used just didn’t fit right. One word in particular that made me stumble on a sentence and cringe a bit was the word “puss” in the first paragraph. No offence, but I don’t think many readers want to envision a ball of oozing puss when reading about a females lower regions.

* …and then… – It’s always good to change up a few words and break a few sentences. The beginning seemed a tad listed due to the use of ‘and’ all the time.

* Communication[/b] – In certain places, such as when the lover first appeared, I felt there could be a tad more dialog in which he responds. Without it, it seemed a tad detached.

* Paragraph break – A few more paragraph breaks would also be easier on the eye. Remember, a new paragraph usually is started at every new subject, or after dialog.



The Good

* Story. – I felt that you had a good story-line going. At least in my opinion, I liked it. EWith just a bit more editing I feel that it will be a hit. I for one will be looking for more work by you in the future.

* Dialog - Although one of your problems in my opinion was not having enough dialog at certain points; the dialog you did have was good. It made me feel more in tune with the characters personalities.

* Sexual Content – I feel like tying somebody to a headboard now. Need I say more?



Well, I hope this was a decent enough post. I shall have to practice by viewing many more stories! Good luck on your future works, and I WILL be looking out for them.

---
D. Deception

 

[kbate]

Most of paragraphs are loaded with superfluous words, run on sentences and clumsy language.

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perhaps the opening could be rewritten. ??

Like every other day, I woke in the morning and took my usual bubble bath. While relaxing in the tub I thought of the coming day and the things I planned to accomplish; little enough that I could take a nap and recover from the sleepless night. Soon I finished bathing, packed the kids off to school and went to my room for my nap. I stripped to my thong and slipped under the covers. I closed my eyes, silently willing myself to sleep, hoping for a dreamless nap.

Instead I dream about.....(and describe dream in para 2)

Para 3... I woke with a start. A noise? The dog? I listened but heard nothing. I listened for a moment, trying to find the source of my worry but soon drifted back into slumber with hopes that the pleasant dream would return.

Para 4.....
Strong hands grabbed my wrists..........//off into the bondage/sex...

----------

My eyes opened just a bit as my peak neared and his moans mixed with mine as I saw the intense look of pleasure on his face and I came feeling him cum so deep inside me and my puss clenched tight around him milking him of every last drop and after he was finished and his eyes were open staring into mine as we both were in awe of what had just happened my puss clenched one last time and I came moaning my fingers digging into his back.

is this sentence for real? It goes on and on and on and on and then keeps going for a spell.

--------------------

There is nothing wrong with your basic story idea or the story line. The problem and the reason it rates a 1 or 2 is that it is nearly unreadable in its current form. By the time a reader is in the third paragraph she is completely confused and wondering who is making love to whom and why?

By the time I reached the line above.. I was bored with the whole thing.

I wonder why the thong had to be yellow.
I wonder if it is her husband or a stranger.
I wonder why I needed to know she shaved her legs and pubic hair.
I wonder why I needed to know where she piled her clothing.

A good editing would help but would be difficult to complete without being heavy handed to the point of angering the writer.

 

[fieryjen]

I can only agree with hat has been said before. The run-on sentences bothered me quite a bit, probably because I do those a lot too and have only recently learned to watch out for them.

It's not bad story, in my opinion. The opening paragraph was not as good as the rest of the story, which might scare some readers away. It is a bit boring and has lots of information the reader doesn't care about when starting the story.

 

[Colleen Thomas]

A lot of things can trigger a low rating. some of them are beyond your control. Some are not. I saw several of the "auto backclick" peeves authors in the Ah occasionally mention. Mispelled words, run on sentnces, etc.

Without tryoing to sound condescending, I think you suffer from one of the things I suffer from. When I read my own work, I tend to read what I meant to say, rather than what I actually wrote. One freind is constantly poking mild fun at me for loose and lose as I consistantly say loose no matter which I mean.

I think you would benefit greatly from a second set of eyes. Someone to proof read for you and point out the glaring mistakes your own eye will travel over because you're reading what you meant to write. The lit volunteer editor program can be a resource or ahning out on the Ah andmaking a few freinds you trust.

I don't think in this case it is so much the story is bad as it is, the story your wrote and the one you posted aren't one and the same.

Just my 2 cents worth

 

[Pure]

For Kbate, fieryjen and others

regarding your complaint about sentences that go on and on... just wondered what you think of this one:

...and the night we missed the boat at Algeciras the watchman going about serene with his lamp and O that awful deepdown torrent O and the sea the sea crimson sometimes like fire and the glorious sunsets and the figtrees in the Alameda gardens yes and all the queer little streets and pink and blue and yellow houses and the rosegardens and the jessamine and geraniums and cactuses and Gibraltar as a girl where I was a Flower of the mountain yes when I put the rose in my hair like the Andalusian girls used or shall I wear a red yes and how he kissed me under the Moorish wall and I thought well as well him as another and then I asked him with my eyes to ask again yes and then he asked me would I yes to say yes my mountain flower and first I put my arms around him yes and drew him down to me so he could feel my breasts all perfume yes and his heart was going like mad and yes I said yes I will Yes.

 

[done_got_old]

regarding your complaint about sentences that go on and on... just wondered what you think of this one:

...and the night we missed the boat at Algeciras the watchman going about serene with his lamp and O that awful deepdown torrent O and the sea the sea crimson sometimes like fire and the glorious sunsets and the figtrees in the Alameda gardens yes and all the queer little streets and pink and blue and yellow houses and the rosegardens and the jessamine and geraniums and cactuses and Gibraltar as a girl where I was a Flower of the mountain yes when I put the rose in my hair like the Andalusian girls used or shall I wear a red yes and how he kissed me under the Moorish wall and I thought well as well him as another and then I asked him with my eyes to ask again yes and then he asked me would I yes to say yes my mountain flower and first I put my arms around him yes and drew him down to me so he could feel my breasts all perfume yes and his heart was going like mad and yes I said yes I will Yes.

.....of course James Joyce was a master, and Ulysses was without a doubt his masterpiece. However he is not without criticism.

 

[kbate]

regarding your complaint about sentences that go on and on... just wondered what you think of this one: ...and the night //snip//and yes I said yes I will Yes.

I would punctuate this sentence properly as well, the source notwithstanding.

 

[Guest]

Pure, tsk, tsk. You're a bad boy.

Sweetiegirl, terrific first story. Keep it up.

And I would suggest you listen to the excellent advice you've been given on this thread, especially from Colly (Colleen Thomas). Just give her bio a glance and you'll see she certainly knows of what she speaks.

Practice, refine, rewrite, put it on the shelf for a week, rewrite, have a friend read it and edit for you, rewrite - then sleep on it, and submit it in the morning. Never at night - you'll catch more typos the next day.

Good luck!

 

[Pure]

I rather liked these sentences, and find them understandable:

Slowly at first his tongue licked and swirled making me shiver and moan at the touch and soon all I could feel was the orgasm that was welling up inside me and just as I was about to cum and moans were becoming shrieks I felt him thrust his fingers inside of me and I came shrieking so loud and as my body relaxed and he had stilled his movements I opened my eyes and looked at him through half closed lids not able to talk.

So sensitive my clit was from having cum so much earlier and I raised myself up onto my hands to give myself better leverage as I took him in and out my puss, nice and slow, letting the tip of his cock hit my clit each time and my eyes closed as I lost myself and forgot everything but the feeling of him inside me and I came so very hard gushing once again and as I slowed down my movements I could hear the sound of our skin and my cum together and I opened my eyes and looked at him and gave a small, tentative smile.

The writer needs more control, however, in that all moments are not necessarily best described so.

The beginning is a bit clunky. Character does not really get set up. There are few surprises.

So yes, as Colly says, write and re write. It does not seem like a 20th draft, or even a 10th. Figure what's necessary to actually have a *story*; A does #$% sex act with B does not a story make.
---

PS. Please note that this opinion apparently contrasts with another quite literate one, above:

//There is nothing wrong with your basic story idea or the story line. The problem and the reason it rates a 1 or 2 is that it is nearly unreadable in its current form.//

My personal view is that a copy editor, punctuator, and master proof reader could not really 'save' the story [bring it above average]. Its 'whole' needs more thought.

But that is just my 2 cents; you can learn from all of the above pieces of feedback; if one ignores differences, some common complaints emerge.

 

[Sweetiegirl_3369]

thank you

Just wanted to thank everyone who replied, I realized I did kind of post it before I slept and reread it, so I plan on working on it.

I think another reason I got a lower rating than normal was because it was about a wife cheating on her husband, and as I read on the loving wives thread, it seems I'm not the only one.

Hopefully I'll do better next time. Just need to remember to read it from a different perspective I guess, lol.

 

[kbate]

I rather liked these sentences, and find them understandable:

His tongue licked and swirled, making me shiver and moan; soon all I could feel was the orgasm welling inside me. I was about to cum and my moans became shrieks when I felt him thrust his fingers into me forcing my shrieking orgasm. My body relaxed and he stilled his movements as I looked at him through half closed eyelids, still unable to speak.


I remove 'slowly at first' because the action does not speed up through the paragraph.

I remove 'at the touch' as it is unnecessary, tongue licking is sufficient to describe the touch.

I remove 'of' me, - more personal choice, but the word 'of' does not help flow.

I separate "body relaxed" from 'shrieking orgasm' - I have been there *grin* and there is no relaxation in a shrieking orgasm, that comes afterwards.

I change 'he had stilled his' and replace with 'he stilled' - giving active voice to the line.

I remove 'opened my eyes' and simply let the action be implied by 'half closed eyelids'

Finally I break the description into multiple sentences.
---------

I am actually quite an easy going editor, I prefer to leave the author's original text intact whenever possible but for the example sentence, I believe the action requires 3 sentences. pre-orgasm, orgasm and post orgasm.

One of the main things to remember in short stories is that every single paragraph is important, every sentence is important and every word choice must be concise in order to convey the maximum emotion in few words. If a line or phrase does not add to the story, it is better left out entirely. When proofreading one technique is to skip paragraphs, if the story is still legible, the skipped paragraphs likely have little or no value. The same goes with sentences, clauses and words.

Anyway, I do not wish to argue fine points of run on sentences and superfluous words.

The writer is now aware of the deficiencies I found in the story and those that others discovered. A proof reader or editor could help this writer flesh out her stories and improve their readability.