Is this poetry?

[markyoni]

I'm curious to know if any of you see this as poetry...I'm not sure what it is....

you are
naked
on your back
you are
naked
in bed
you are
naked
with your legs
spread
you are
naked
with your arms
resting over your head
warm
warm
air
flowing over your body
I'm next to you
on my side
your right leg
hanging over mine
a pile of strawberries
on your tummy
cold
exciting
dripping with
anticipation
I pick one up
with my mouth
crush it
over your right nipple
juice
drips down
you gasp
arch your back
slowly
and
stop breathing
as my mouth
surrounds your nipple
my lips
holding
your nipple
sucking
gently
my tongue
cleaning
caressing
sliding around it
feeling it grow hard
erect
tingling
sensitive
too sensitive
until
the warm air in the room
once again
caresses it
another strawberry
over your left nipple
juice
drips down
you gasp
arch your back
slowly
again
stop breathing
again
as my mouth
surrounds your nipple
my lips
holding
your nipple
sucking
gently
my tongue
cleaning
caressing
sliding around it
feeling it grow hard
erect
sensitive
tingling
quiet gasps
time stops
waiting
waiting
for the next touch
your mouth open
wanting
another strawberry
finally
a most sensual delivery
my mouth
to your mouth
chewing
the strawberry together
slowly
sucking the juice out of it
as the palm of my hand
massages your pussy
in slow
soft
circles
sweet
wonderful
sensual
juice
running out of the strawberry
and
out of you
five minutes pass
your eyes closed
your hips
undulating
slowly
under my touch
suddenly
my hand leaves you
no touch
eyes still closed
pussy
wet
so wet
warm
so warm
throbbing
but alone
then you feel it
another strawberry
barely touching
your mouth
you bite down slowly
feel my lips against yours
you gasp
as the sweet liquid
flows
over your face
gasp
again
deep
groan
you push your hips up
spread your legs
further apart
as you feel
another strawberry
cold
cool
sliding
slowly up inside
you
wet
warm
your pussy
spasms around it
you
kiss my lips
furiously
until you no longer can
my lips leave you
my mouth
sliding down
over your neck
your breasts
brushing over your nipples
still
so hard
erect
tingling
pushing up
into the early morning light
my mouth
lips
sliding slowly
over your stomach
down
down
until you stop breathing
gasp once
wiggle your hips gently
bend your knees
as I
quietly
slowly
begin eating
the strawberry
in your pussy
my tongue
sliding inside you
circling over
the strawberry
around
the strawberry
under
the strawberry
licking
you
licking
the strawberry
watching
the muscles in your stomach
relax
and
contract
sliding
my tongue
out of your pussy
over your clit
hard
pink
throbbing
erect
so sensitive
sliding my tongue
around
your clit
under
your clit
licking
your clit
your intensely sensual clit
your wildly sexual clit
you gasp
tighten the muscles
in your thighs
groan
push your hips up
arch your back
as my tongue
slides back inside you
pulls out
the strawberry
slowly
my lips crush it
juice
everywhere
running over
your pussy
mixing
with
your juice
my tongue
licking
cleaning
driving you insane
"omg Mark...I wanna cum..."
suddenly you can't talk
my tongue
sliding over you
everywhere
fast
too fast
flicking
teasing
torturing you
with
your own arousal
until you surrender
to your body
eyes closed
white light
everywhere
loud crashing sounds
in your head
your body
on fire
volcano
erupting
legs jerk
shivers
up your back
clit explodes
nipples on fire
mouth open
gasping
crying
so intense
wave after wave
until
finally
over
long deep sigh
legs still trembling
pussy still in spasm
three words
whispered
softly
"do it again..."

You coments, opinions, criticisms are welcomed...

 

[pointless]

yes, but it's not exactly my cup of tea. have you thought about throwing some open spaces into all of that?

 

[Icingsugar]

Aye, it's poetry. At least by my definition. However, there are things here that could be worked on to make it more accessible for an audience.

While very uncinventional (as opposed to ordinary story) in layout, the whole thing actually reads almost like a piece of prose. If you took away all the line feeds and gave it proper punctuation, it would be very close to a straight, upfront reacting of an event:

"You are naked on your back, you are naked in bed, you are naked with your legs spread, you are naked with your arms resting over your head. Warm, warm air flowing over your body.

I'm next to you, on my side, your right leg hanging over mine. A pile of strawberries on your tummy, cold, exciting, dripping with anticipation. I pick one up with my mouth, crush it over your right nipple."

See? It's your words, just presented differently. In fact, I think it is even better when read as prose. It becomes a beautiful piece of sensual, flowing, very well paced erotica.

When writing poetry, try to keep in mind that you can take the deconstruction of the "ordinary" way of saying things even further than what you have here.

Here is an example:

on your back
in bed
naked
legs spread
arms over head
resting
in warm air
flowing
just like me
next to you

...aaand so in. Just an example of how it can be jumbled up, but still work. If it was done good on not, well, that another story. But I hope you get the point.

best of luck, and keep posting
/Ice

 

[dr_mabeuse]

For me, poetry is something that means more than what it says, so this ain't poetry to me. It's just a vertical story, and I got dizzy reading it.

---dr.M.

 

[HomerPindar]

"omg Mark...I wanna cum..."

Whatever you call it, or do with it, please consider - when using quotes or dialogue, spell out the words "Oh, my God." No one actuallys says "oh em gee," and it simply looks wrong. The exception to this is if your poem is meant to play with language in some way, which doesn't appear to be the case.

Keep at it though, it's good erotic.

HomerPindar

 

[pinkladyzz11]

Enjoyed the present of your poem (or non-poem) as the case may be in my PMs. Thank you.

Is it poetry? I will let others speak to that issue. It is most certainly erotic and worked very well for me on an emotional level.

I would say "Do it again"
and again

and by all means, keep writing,too!