Is this overly pretentious?

[TheEarl]

Every muscle in her body tensed, locking up, then collapsing as her body surrendered to the waves of rapture that overthrew her senses and sensibilities.

An editor has picked up the 'senses and sensibilities' section as throwing her out of the moment and into Jane Austen. I want to say it because it describes exactly what I'm looking to say, but I don't want to sound like I'm name-checking Austen.

Does it sound pretentious?

The Earl

 

[English Lady]

Not to me -I like how it sounds...how it takes inmore than just her senses. I like it.

 

[Samandiriel]

If you hadn't mentioned it I would have missed it as being so.

 

[TheEarl]

Not to me -I like how it sounds...how it takes inmore than just her senses. I like it.

See that's the thing. It's not an intentional literary reference; that's how it was supposed to sound. I just don't want it to come across like I'm being a pompous git who drops the names of 19C novels into his erotica.

The Earl

 

[sophia jane]

If you hadn't mentioned it I would have missed it as being so.

Ditto.

SJ

 

[TheEarl]

If you hadn't mentioned it I would have missed it as being so.

This is very much of the good. Thank you.
She's being mean again. I'm sure of it. If you weren't so dumb, you could probably work out how.

Oops. Wrong thread.

The Earl

 

[English Lady]

Earl..I didn't pick up on it when I read it...so I think you're safe

 

[Honey123]

Every muscle in her body tensed, locking up, then collapsing as her body surrendered to the waves of rapture that overthrew her senses and sensibilities.

An editor has picked up the 'senses and sensibilities' section as throwing her out of the moment and into Jane Austen. I want to say it because it describes exactly what I'm looking to say, but I don't want to sound like I'm name-checking Austen.

Does it sound pretentious?

The Earl

So you are saying it overthrew her "normal ability to think or reason soundly" and her "receptiveness to impression, whether pleasant or unpleasant"?

Bascially she threw her entire self into her orgasm and surrendered to the magnificant feeling no matter the outcome?

 

[TheEarl]

So you are saying it overthrew her "normal ability to think or reason soundly" and her "receptiveness to impression, whether pleasant or unpleasant"?

Bascially she threw her entire self into her orgasm and surrendered to the magnificant feeling no matter the outcome?

Spot on. Thank you.

The Earl

 

[Honey123]

Spot on. Thank you.

The Earl

Darling...anyway you say it...it will be perfectly understood...(even by me... )

Love your wording...

 

[impressive]

Every muscle in her body tensed, locking up, then collapsing as her body surrendered to the waves of rapture that overthrew her senses and sensibilities.

An editor has picked up the 'senses and sensibilities' section as throwing her out of the moment and into Jane Austen. I want to say it because it describes exactly what I'm looking to say, but I don't want to sound like I'm name-checking Austen.

Does it sound pretentious?

The Earl

I understand your concern -- and I think if you bust up the phrase you can prevent the association:

... overthrew not only her senses but also her sensibilities.

2 cents, FWIW

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Does it sound pretentious?

I don't know about pretentious, but it sounds clichéd. The first thing I noticed, more than "senses and sensibilities", was "waves of rapture". Isn't there any other way of saying the same thing without it sounding like something out of a 19th century romance novel? "Senses and sensibilities" isn't that bad, but it suffers because of the massive alliteration.

Another thing that caught my attention was the weakening of the sentence with the use of those two continuous tenses ("locking up", "collapsing").


Edited to add, because there weren't any responses yet when I started typing this, that the connection between "senses and sensibilities" and Jane Austen was immediate to me, even before you mentioned it. Just so you know.

 

[Liar]

I didn't really read it as over pretenscious. Quite the opposite really, like a mildly tongue-in-cheek allusion. But then of course, out of context like this is not the best way to judge.

Like Lauen said, "waves of rapture" is the bit that might be over the top.

 

[TheEarl]

I didn't really read it as over pretenscious. Quite the opposite really, like a mildly tongue-in-cheek allusion. But then of course, out of context like this is not the best way to judge.

Her cries melted into one breathless cry of pleasure and Elsie’s body shuddered as her pussy pulsated to the beat of his strokes, which were growing faster and harder with her every moan. Every muscle tensed, locking up, then collapsing as her body surrendered to the waves of rapture that overthrew her senses and her sensibilities.

That help?

The Earl

 

[Guest]

I understand your concern -- and I think if you bust up the phrase you can prevent the association:

... overthrew not only her senses but also her sensibilities.

2 cents, FWIW

Yep, what Imp said.

I did have a slight problem with it, Earl and I think Imp's hit upon a good solution. Unless you find a different phrase completely...

 

[TheEarl]

Lauren: What do you mean about the two continuous tenses? Don't understand that bit.

As for waves of rapture; do you really think it's that's bad? I wouldn't have picked it as coming from a 19C romance novel or as being particularly cringeworthy, but I can't judge my own writing when I reread it. Any suggestions for a replacement?

The Earl

 

[English Lady]

I really like waves of rapture meself *grins*

 

[Liar]

Lauren: What do you mean about the two continuous tenses? Don't understand that bit.

As for waves of rapture; do you really think it's that's bad? I wouldn't have picked it as coming from a 19C romance novel or as being particularly cringeworthy, but I can't judge my own writing when I reread it. Any suggestions for a replacement?

The Earl

Seeing as the whole text, or at least the passage you have shared, is kind of hyperbolic in stly anyway, I don't think it is out of place. You got your breathless cries of pleasure, and your pulsating pussy. In that context I'd say that a little rapture is just the cherry on top.

 

[TheEarl]

Seeing as the whole text, or at least the passage you have shared, is kind of hyperbolic in stly anyway, I don't think it is out of place. You got your breathless cries of pleasure, and your pulsating pussy. In that context I'd say that a little rapture is just the cherry on top.

That's not really a compliment. You think it's hyperbolic?

The Earl

 

[TheEarl]

Yep, what Imp said.

I did have a slight problem with it, Earl and I think Imp's hit upon a good solution. Unless you find a different phrase completely...

Every muscle tensed, locking up, then collapsing as her body surrendered to the waves of rapture that overthrew her senses and her sensibilities.

Is that any better?

The Earl

 

[mlady_france]

I don't know about pretentious, but it sounds clichéd. The first thing I noticed, more than "senses and sensibilities", was "waves of rapture". Isn't there any other way of saying the same thing without it sounding like something out of a 19th century romance novel? "Senses and sensibilities" isn't that bad, but it suffers because of the massive alliteration.

Another thing that caught my attention was the weakening of the sentence with the use of those two continuous tenses ("locking up", "collapsing").


Edited to add, because there weren't any responses yet when I started typing this, that the connection between "senses and sensibilities" and Jane Austen was immediate to me, even before you mentioned it. Just so you know.

I kinda got the same thing. I know that I'm still new here, but I was put off by the "waves of rapture" and then when I saw that was followed by the "senses and sensibilities" I thought it was intentional, and was a little dissapointed. But Jane Austin is one of my favorite authors.

 

[LadyJeanne]

The waves of rapture threw me off as well. I'd leave it as just waves, removing the "of rapture". If you must, you might try waves of pleasure or maybe thrilling waves...


Now that you've given us the preceding sentence, I'm also thrown by "Her cries melted into one breathless cry of pleasure..."

Two cry's might be too much for me. Perhaps "Her moans melted into one breathless cry" or "Her cries melted into one breathless wail..."

Don't give me any more sentences. I can't stop myself. Help!

 

[impressive]

Seeing as the whole text, or at least the passage you have shared, is kind of hyperbolic in stly anyway, I don't think it is out of place. You got your breathless cries of pleasure, and your pulsating pussy. In that context I'd say that a little rapture is just the cherry on top.

Is there such a thing as "a little rapture?"

My rapture ain't little.

 

[impressive]

I'd drop the "overly" out of the thread title, too. Either it's pretentious or it's not, eh?

 

[English Lady]

*grins*

Earl love.

Go with your gut.


You'll never please everyone all at once