Is this grammatically correct?

[tomlitilia]

Is this grammatically correct?

“OK, I’ll try not to disturb them,” Jenny said, and added as her husband turned to walk away, “too much.”

 

[Handley_Page]

Is this grammatically correct?

“OK, I’ll try not to disturb them,” Jenny said, and added as her husband turned to walk away, “too much.”

It looks OK to me.
But why the 'pause' in the sentence? Maybe it's a subtle touch of humour or even sarcasm ?

“OK, I’ll try not to disturb them,” Jenny said, and added “too much", as her husband turned away.

 

[ElectricBlue]

“OK, I’ll try not to disturb them,” Jenny said, adding, as her husband turned to walk away, “too much.”

Slightly smoother cadence?

 

[tomlitilia]

It looks OK to me.
But why the 'pause' in the sentence? Maybe it's a subtle touch of humour or even sarcasm ?

“OK, I’ll try not to disturb them,” Jenny said, and added “too much", as her husband turned away.

Thanks.
Yes, I wanted a pause as a means to emphasize the implications of the "too much."

 

[tomlitilia]

“OK, I’ll try not to disturb them,” Jenny said, adding, as her husband turned to walk away, “too much.”

Slightly smoother cadence?

Yeah, that's pretty good.

 

[NoJo]

Yes, that improves it a little. But it has four commas, which may not be be a style in-keeping with the rest of your flow. As a vague rule of thumb, both 'and' and 'then' can often be omitted to improve the punchiness and flow.

It's actually hard to improve a sentence in isolation. Whereabouts in the story does this sentence lie? Because I don't know what precedes this sentence I'm not sure why you refer to her husband as "her husband" at this point, unless he hasn't yet been introduced to the reader. Or perhaps it's meant to be a cynical hint at the cracks in their marriage.

I employ short sentences, and avoid of 'he/she said' where possible. If the context clearly shows who's about to speak, I'd put:

“OK, I’ll try not to disturb them.”

"...too much," she added as he turned to walk away.

Which is not to everyone's liking, no doubt!

 

[TarnishedPenny]

Grammatically correct. I might suggest the following style change however:

“OK, I’ll try not to disturb them,” Jenny said, and added as her husband turned to walk away, “too much.”

“OK, I’ll try not to disturb them...” Jenny said as her husband turned to walk away, “too much.”​

Perfect grammar or not, I'm a big fan of the ellipsis. It can give the reader a sense of a short delay or pause, which is what I think you wanted.

I agree with NoJo's logic, of course, and his suggested structure is also good.

 

[NotWise]

Is this grammatically correct?

“OK, I’ll try not to disturb them,” Jenny said, and added as her husband turned to walk away, “too much.”

I think the comma in "Jenny said, and added..." is not correct. The phrase that follows is a dependent clause, so that's a comma splice.

There are around a kabillion ways to fix the problem. In addition to the other suggestions above, I would add,

"Ok, I'll try not to disturb them," Jenny said. Her husband turned to walk away, and she added, "too much."

 

[TarnishedPenny]

You may be right, NotWise, but...

I am a proud and professed grammar Nazi, but two things stick out to me.

The first is that the rules of grammar, like all rules, are intended for the regulation of fools and the guidance of the wise. They are there to make things clearer to the reader. Like all conventions, they can - and should be - flouted when it is beneficial.

Second point is related. Authors and poets are all, to some degree, artists. Artistic licence is there to be used and can be delightful when used judiciously, by those who know what they are doing. Gainsborough painted remarkably lifelike thing; Picasso, Monet, van Gogh - they also used techniques which were not. Still, they were great artists.

I suppose that grammar is like Churchill's definition of a gentleman - somebody who never offends but on purpose.

 

[tomlitilia]

Because I don't know what precedes this sentence I'm not sure why you refer to her husband as "her husband" at this point, unless he hasn't yet been introduced to the reader. Or perhaps it's meant to be a cynical hint at the cracks in their marriage.

This is a bit off the point, but I do this quite frequently, referring to people by their features (e.g. the blonde, the black woman) or relations (e,g, her husband, his student) to avoid repeating names while avoiding pronoun confusion. Never struck me that it could annoy readers. (?)

 

[My I]

"Ok. I'll try not to disturb them," her lips curled in a mischievous grin, "too much."

 

[TarnishedPenny]

"Ok. I'll try not to disturb them," her lips curled in a mischievous grin, "too much."

Now that just tingles!

For the win.

 

[Bramblethorn]

“OK, I’ll try not to disturb them,” Jenny said, adding, as her husband turned to walk away, “too much.”

Slightly smoother cadence?

I'd even consider editing it down to:

“OK, I’ll try not to disturb them,” Jenny said, “...too much.”

The attribution in the middle provides a natural break. Unless we really need to convey what her husband was doing, that rhythm should be enough to set up the "too much" as a punchline.

 

[KimGordon67]

I'd even consider editing it down to:

“OK, I’ll try not to disturb them,” Jenny said, “...too much.”

The attribution in the middle provides a natural break. Unless we really need to convey what her husband was doing, that rhythm should be enough to set up the "too much" as a punchline.

Or break it into two sentences, if you need the husband walking away?

"OK, I"ll try not to disturb them" Jenny said. As her husband walked away, she half-smiled and added "... too much".

 

[Bramblethorn]

"Ok. I'll try not to disturb them," her lips curled in a mischievous grin, "too much."

"grin" isn't a speech tag, so that ought to be either:

1. "Ok. I'll try not to disturb them," she said as her lips curled in a mischievous grin, "too much."

or:

2. "Ok. I'll try not to disturb them." Her lips curled in a mischievous grin. "Too much."

If I "said" or "shouted" or even "wrote", that's an action that creates words, so it can be used as a speech tag. But "grinning" is a facial expression, not a way of making words. What this passage means to convey is that she spoke these words and grinned. That can either be done explicitly by adding a speech tag (#1 above) or by punctuating it as untagged speech (#2).

Think of it this way:

I said the words they'd all been waiting for.

You could substitute "shouted", "barked out", "whispered", perhaps even "texted", and that sentence would still work. But "I grinned the words" doesn't work.

http://www.writersbeat.com/showthread.php?t=16297

 

[yukonnights]

Or break it into two sentences, if you need the husband walking away?

"OK, I"ll try not to disturb them" Jenny said. As her husband walked away, she half-smiled and added "... too much".

Or...add a word or three?

"Okay, I'll try not to disturb them," Jenny said. But as her husband walked away, she added, "At least not too much."

note: in that last sentence an adverb could be included if needed to portray the way in which Jenny 'added' the 'not too much' (such as angrily, innocently, playfully, etc. The sentence in context might make this redundant and unnecessary though.)

 

[KimGordon67]

Or...add a word or three?

"Okay, I'll try not to disturb them," Jenny said. But as her husband walked away, she added, "At least not too much."

note: in that last sentence an adverb could be included if needed to portray the way in which Jenny 'added' the 'not too much' (such as angrily, innocently, playfully, etc. The sentence in context might make this redundant and unnecessary though.)

I'm a big fan of breaking sentences up. I work with people who instinctively write ridiculously long sentences (and I often do too) - in my editorial role, I'm constantly throwing fullstops at them.

 

[yukonnights]

I'm a big fan of breaking sentences up. I work with people who instinctively write ridiculously long sentences (and I often do too) - in my editorial role, I'm constantly throwing fullstops at them.

Yikes! If I would have known that you are a real editor... I would have kept my mouth shut! Just lucky that I didn't write something so stupid that it would've revealed my carefully built charade

 

[KimGordon67]

Yikes! If I would have known that you are a real editor... I would have kept my mouth shut! Just lucky that I didn't write something so stupid that it would've revealed my carefully built charade

LOL - I think you're imagining 'editor' to be somewhat different from what I actually do.

 

[TarnishedPenny]

LOL - I think you're imagining 'editor' to be somewhat different from what I actually do.

There's a meme-poster there somewhere.

 

[NotWise]

LOL - I think you're imagining 'editor' to be somewhat different from what I actually do.

Calloused against the cries of whimpering authors, bearing a pen capable of cutting entire chapters in a single stroke. Your hallmark is the sinister laughter that precedes your first, deepest cut.

Okay, maybe not.

 

[KimGordon67]

Calloused against the cries of whimpering authors, bearing a pen capable of cutting entire chapters in a single stroke. Your hallmark is the sinister laughter that precedes your first, deepest cut.

Okay, maybe not.

More like this.
http://www.scottcochrane.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/herding-cats.jpg

 

[yukonnights]

There's a meme-poster there somewhere.

All of them seem sinister though...editor is just too similar to 'enforcer'...'terminator'...

The 'editor' finally stepped off the plane. The assembled mafia bosses moved back a step as if blown by the darkening clouds that ushered in her arrival...dum dee dum!

 

[yukonnights]

More like this.
http://www.scottcochrane.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/herding-cats.jpg

Ahhh, now I see! Cat herders aren't nearly so intimidating ! Whew, feeling better now

 

[KimGordon67]

All of them seem sinister though...editor is just too similar to 'enforcer'...'terminator'...

The 'editor' finally stepped off the plane. The assembled mafia bosses moved back a step as if blown by the darkening clouds that ushered in her arrival...dum dee dum!

'Editor' is actually a great euphemism for a hit-person ... they 'edit' people out of the picture.