Is This Friendship??

[cheekyminx]

Tonight I got an email from a friend that told me to stick my friendship where the sun doesnt shine. We have been having a rocky friendship since an argument a few weeks ago. I was feeling down, very down. Scott the friend involved, Icq'd me and told me to look on the bright side and how lucky I was. I told him how I felt.
He didnt understand how down I was, and I got frustrated because I couldnt make him understand how hurt and how down I was feeling. We got into an argument and he stormed off.
Since then I havent known how to approach him. I had tried to send him messages, but somehow they sounded wrong. So I wouldnt send them.
Tonight I got an Icq message saying that he thought our friendship meant more.
I emailed him back saying it does. I told him why I felt I couldnt contact him.
I just got an email back...telling me that I could stick my so called friendship where the sun doesnt shine.
I have to say that this hurts...it has made me feel like it was just a game..to see how much he could hurt. I know thats probably not true..but thats how it feels.
So this has set me thinking, what makes a good friend on the net and in "real life"? What did I do so wrong?

 

[Angelus]

I would say that the best things in a friendship is that both people listen to each other. I mean really listen and not talk and not really here what the other person is saying. It is cool that you do things together but it sounds as if this person didn't listen to you and didn't want to listen.

I don't think that you did anything wrong- he just had his own opinion and didn't care if he hurt you or not. It is his problem and something you didn't cause.

 

[Chuckus]

A friendship, whether on the Net or IRL, to me needs three ingredients. Honesty, respect and trust. If you don't have the honesty then you will have neither of the other two. Some other key elements include willingness (to listen and to speak), listening skills, tact and understanding.

 

[Cheyenne]

You were feeling down and he tried to "fix" you when you didn't want to be fixed, just listened to. You didn't do anything wrong- you just communicate differently.

Warning- huge generalization about to be typed.
Tell a man your problems, and he will try to give you a solution. He won't understand when you don't want to hear it. Tell a woman your problems, and she will listen and sob with you if need be.

My best friend in the world is a man. I think we get along so well partly because both of us flip back and forth between the two roles above- sometimes I give unwanted "fix it" advice when he just wants to be listened to! And sometimes I want advice when I tell him all about what is bugging me. We just try to say upfront what it is we are looking for from the conversation and that seems to work.

 

[Chuckus]

You were feeling down and he tried to "fix" you when you didn't want to be fixed, just listened to. You didn't do anything wrong- you just communicate differently.

Warning- huge generalization about to be typed.
Tell a man your problems, and he will try to give you a solution. He won't understand when you don't want to hear it. Tell a woman your problems, and she will listen and sob with you if need be.

My best friend in the world is a man. I think we get along so well partly because both of us flip back and forth between the two roles above- sometimes I give unwanted "fix it" advice when he just wants to be listened to! And sometimes I want advice when I tell him all about what is bugging me. We just try to say upfront what it is we are looking for from the conversation and that seems to work.

You know Cheyenne, I have the same type relationship with a friend of mine who is female. I used to try and "fix" things that were brought up but learned along time ago that women do not always want things "fixed" but merely to be heard. Listening is key, if you are unsure of what it is that he or she wants out of the conversation, ask and ye shall find. If only more people understood that.

 

[Sammyjo]

I know how you feel...it's been happening to me with a certain someone for a few months.

Things will be fine, all of a sudden, he blows up at me. We've "ended" our friendship more times than I care to count, but neither of us is really ready to end it completely. It is very hard, especially when you've spent 3 years cultivating a friendship.

 

[Cheyenne]

Listening is key, if you are unsure of what it is that he or she wants out of the conversation, ask and ye shall find. If only more people understood that.

It has been enough years now for me and my best friend that sometimes it is just condensed to a playful "shut up and just listen to me, will you?" Whichever of us says it, the other gets the hint. Or midway through a rant, one of us will decide we really DO want to hear the other's opinion. A simple "so what do you think?" works well at that point.

The only thing that still really bugs him sometimes is when he tells me something his wife said or did and I agree with her, not him. She has no idea how many arguments she has won, or times she has "gotten her way" because I've been behind the scenes agreeing with her! On the other hand, sometimes she asks me to "talk to him, he respects and listens to you." Hmmmmm.... maybe she DOES know......

 

[Chuckus]

The only thing that still really bugs him sometimes is when he tells me something his wife said or did and I agree with her, not him. She has no idea how many arguments she has won, or times she has "gotten her way" because I've been behind the scenes agreeing with her! On the other hand, sometimes she asks me to "talk to him, he respects and listens to you." Hmmmmm.... maybe she DOES know......

Well you know what they say, sometimes the truth does hurt. I mean you can't always be right and hearing someone who actually agrees with the other is just what the doctor ordered. Maybe she does know, just maybe......

 

[Madame Pandora]

To me a freind is someone who never hurts you out of malice and who you can say anything to and hear anything from. A person you accept “warts and all” and who does the same for you.

Many of my friends are men and they have learned not to give the "fix it" answers. They are all trained really well to say "no! really? I'm sorry. You want me to kill him for you?" These are the proper responses. On the other hand, I have had to learn to offer solutions when they have woes, which is only difficult if I don’t like the skank they are pining over.

A friend is someone you are blessed to have in your life. Someone who can make you smile from the thought of them. I don't fight with my friends much. We will grumble from time to time, but there is no real strife. We have all been together too long for that, I suppose. But, I think it is more the understanding and love of one another that defines a friendship. The wordless things that happen by instinct. The things that let you know you are on the same level, of the same mind.

Online, I have made a handful of what I would call "real" friends. Now, I've made some wonderful acquaintances who have enriched my life, but only a small amount of real friends, and I really didn't consider them friends until years later when we began to meet IRL and speak on the phone regularly.

If someone told you to shove your friendship over a misunderstanding, to me that isn't a friend. That is a person after attention and theatrics. It was probably your cue to come back begging for forgiveness.

I would never tell anyone what they must do, but I would think that for yourself, you should try and harden your heart a little toward him. I'm not saying ignore it completely, but there are some people you approach differently than others. I have a friend who is a BIG teller of tales. If you don't expect the truth from him, then you are never hurt by him. And he never fibs out of malice. He would also walk over fire and give you the shirt of his back. You simply accept a person's limitations when you incorporate them into your life. If you want this person back, learn to be ready for the possible theatrics and tantrums, and protect your heart from it. And, I would think, realize that you are going to be the one doing all the bending.

Just MHO

MP

 

[Guest]

In life I have found that....

The ones that you honestly think are your friends... usually aren't. Its usually the ones in the background that end up more important.

I had a real good female friend online... well at least I thought she was. Whenever I had problems, I would talk to her about them and she seemed like she was listening and she was giving me good advice.... Then somehow it started resembling a 'Single White Female' experience. She started talking to the same people I was talking to... and then distorting all the things I had told her and was using them to turn everyone against me.

But not everything has an unhappy ending... thru her stupid shit, I found out I had one of the best friends a gal could possibly have.... I have talked to him everyday since... and he's helped me thru more things than I could have ever imagined.....

 

[Iris]

Okay, let me put it to you this way. I had what I now refer to as a toxic friend for about 6 months. The guy had issues MAJOR issues with his wife, his life, himself and everything in between. I tried my best to be a frienda nd listen and help out when I could but every time I talked to him he just got me SO depressed I found myself dreading the next conversation we'd end up having. I know everybody's got problems and a true friend listens but jesus that's all this guy had was problems. When we'd disagree he'd act like a child and not speak to me until I apologized whether or not I thought I was wrong. Breaking off that friendship hurt but it was one of the best things I've ever done for myself.

Sounds like your friend is trying to do the same thing instead of admitting that it takes 2 to disagree he's trying to make you feel guilty by turning it around on you like why YOU didn't make the effort. You don't need that trust me.

 

[Cheyenne]

Many of my friends are men and they have learned not to give the "fix it" answers. They are all trained really well to say "no! really? I'm sorry. You want me to kill him for you?" These are the proper responses.

Yes! Never thought about it, but I have two online male friends who do exactly that! They'll listen and then volunteer to go kill for me. Usually cracks me up. Except that one time when I actually considered it for a brief second or two.......