Is there such a thing as a shame fetish?

[Cthulurotica]

Is there such a thing as a shame fetish?

I’m fluid and grew up in a homophobic home among Mormons in the south so I grew up convinced I should kill myself before anyone found out I was queer and came to believe that masturbation would corrupt my mortal soul. I wasn’t remotely sane until intense therapy with a queer shame psychiatrist at 23.

During late adolescence I grew out of the mental cage created by my environment but had become turned on by the expression of shame during masturbation. Dirty talk shaming my partner for enjoying sex occurred during every fantasy. I also became very turned on by anal sex, because it is naughty or shameful... but then so did all my straight friends. I never said dirty things out loud because I was ashamed to do so but as I started having sex at 23 I didn’t really think about it but I could only orgasm when I focused on shaming my partner in my head. I had one girlfriend who was into anal at 25 and it was actually not the end all be all of sex I had made it out to be. That is until she talked dirty during anal sex shortly before we parted ways - that’s the hardest I have ever come and I remember it like it was yesterday. It turned out that 90% of the appeal of anal was the shame of it which could be simulated through dirty talk and actually doing it wasn’t a big deal.

I got married at 27 and told her I needed to talk dirty after several years - but she’d been assaulted before I met her so talking dirty didn’t work out and our sex life suffered for it and that made me very ashamed - not in a good way - so after my divorce 7 years later I never mentioned my needs to my next girlfriend of three years. She made fun of me when I talked a little dirty and I did t trust her after that. Instead I just orgasmed at a ratio of about 1:10 me:her. On the positive side I could go a long time. I take a medication for chronic pain that has this effect.

My last girlfriend was really open and accepting and fine with dirty talk and anal play and I could actually orgasm reliably for the first time in many years. The freedom to call her dirty, filthy, a little slut, etc. was amazing (no, I don’t believe in words like slut, they just make me come). I have never felt more sexually satisfied or personally accepted in my life. When she talked dirty... that she was feeling dirty, filthy, was my little slut, I started screaming in pleasure and had never felt so free sexually. I really let go for the first time outside my head. I also discovered that I’m not a chauvinist about shame - she could tell me I should be ashamed of what I was doing to her, that I was filthy or dirty - same response, rapidly increasing arousal. She could control my orgasm by saying the right things, which she liked. Eventually we broke up.

Now after a while off from dating I’ve accepted this shame kink about myself and have decided to share this with my future partners early in our developing relationship to discover if we’re compatible. As my gay shame pshrink said, sexuality should be a celebration of two people’s sexuality and acceptance is a prerequisite. So I need a partner I can talk dirty to or that will talk dirty to me.

So my questions are: is this a fetish? I can come without dirty talk but the last time I did took two hours of continuous doggie style intercourse (I’d slow down to rest). How hard will it be to find a woman (I started losing interest in men after I got married) that will let me talk dirty about shame or will say those things to me? Is this a big deal?

I’ve been so ashamed all my life I have no sense of the answers to these questions. Living on the west coast these days the level of shame I’ve had to deal with such that it burnt itself into the wiring of my brain is really embarrassing because being queer is really no big deal. I date women since my marriage as I lost interest for men, and I don’t know what is commonly acceptable.

How do I share this with someone?

Thanks!
Cthulhu ftagn!

 

[Oshkosh60]

DOn't share unless you absolutely need to and there is a huge level of trust. Or if your partner might have special bedroom needs then perhaps you can "swap' favors on a regular basis. I think there are millions of people that feel the very same way you do. And there have been times when I have had fantasies or kinks "burn out" as well. I think there was a great deal shaming that went on in former decades.....and as a result, the naughty thoughts and interests took on a life of their own. Slowly share with someone you trust.......but enjoy all of the connection that you have with the other person and try not to focus on one particular need that you feel needs to be meet. (I've been dreaming of being spanked by a woman for decades. Had never happened, asked current partner.....and no, for some reason she won't do it.......)