Is there sex after marriage?

[Minout]

I have never been married but I was in a long term relationship with the same person for 10 years. Give or take a couple of months. We had a lot of sex. All the time. I am 36 and right after I my daughter was born, (she is 4 now) I was pretty much disinterested in sex. To be honest, between the constant nursing, the cuddling, and the being at her beck and call, I was all touched out. If anyone asked me to give them physical nurturing of any kind, they were more likely to get a sock in they eye than a hug. However, as things settled down and I felt more free of the 24 hour a day nursing, things returned to normal. I have to say that my ex was not one of those demanding partners who insisted we should be having sex 20 minutes out of the delivery room and he did his fair share of parenting. Now, to make a long question even longer, I was reading another thread just now and someone made a comment that made me wonder if all of those stereotypical jokes about not having as much sex after you are married are true. Is it an age thing? Do older people (people over 35 ) want sex less often than they did before? Do people with children have less sex than people without? Is this a normal thing that would happen anyway whether you were married or not? Are people attributing loss of interest or desire to have sex to the long termness of their relationships when, in fact, it is more of an age and external stresses thing? Or, are all those people, in all those threads who claim that they just aren't getting laid anymore over reacting?

 

[PinkOrchid]

 

[Minout]

Sorry if my post was confusing. I don't have a lack of interest in sex. My sex drive is just fine. Because I was in a LTR and had not experienced the "no sex after marriage", I just assumed that it was just a joke. That lack of sex has nothing to do with being married or not but a lot of other things.

 

[RomanHans]

I'm NOT over 35, but am married (just past the 'seven-year itch') with kids, and I think that there is at least a kernel of truth to the 'no sex after marriage' myth. I don't think that the act of marriage immediately alters your sex drive, but there is always the danger that familiarity breeds contempt and that one or both partners will take the other for granted and just 'forget' to have sex.

Also, if both partners are involved in careers, kids, and other distractions, the challenge becomes one of making sure you are 'in sync' with each other. For example, my wife prefers to cuddle and have sex late at night, assuming that she's still up after about 9:30 or 10. However, if I'm up that late, it's either because I'm working or else I'm dog-tired. I prefer sex in the morning, but during the week we're in a rush to get everyone out of the house, and on the weekend my wife often would rather sleep in, or the kids get up earlier than expected, or...

The no-sex-after-marriage thing is not a foregone conclusion, but it's an easy trap to fall into.

Roman

 

[Minout]

So, Roman, do you think that things would be different if you didn't have kids? My ex and I had 6 years of sexual bliss before my daughter was born. I do agree about familiarity breeding contempt and it being harder to get excited about sex the same way, with the same person, day in and day out, year after year. Sex, satisfying sex, like everything else in an LTR, requires work and nurturing.

 

[Sabledrake]

From my personal experience, it's not 'no sex after marriage,' but certainly 'less sex after a kid, with two full-time jobs on conflicting schedules.' I work overnight, so there are only three nights a week when I am home to share a bed with my man. The first of those nights, my turnaround, I am usually too exhausted for much of anything more than a goodnight kiss.

So, for us, it's more a matter of scheduling than anything else.

Sabledrake

 

[eroticfun_2000]

Since I am over 50 and have been married for over 25 years I feel I am fairly well qualified to respond. Yes, there is plenty of sex after marriage and after age 35. Read other posts here in Lit and go take a look in the Amateur Pics threads. You'll find plenty of evidence. Sex doesn't die because of age or length of marriage. It needs to be kept alive and fun.

 

[Guest]

Well I am married and I can tell ya that YES there's definitely sex after marriage, infact it is some the most amazing sex I've ever had. I think what can kill a sex drive though is just simply being physically tired. Life stress is one hell of a killer too! I happen to work very hard 6 days a week and my husband is equally very busy and so what tends to happen is that since there's a marvelous comfort zone that comes from being in a marriage ya tend not to push the "energy level". It's like it's more ok to just kick back with a movie, cuddle and eventually finding yourself falling asleep on the couch in a little nest of warmth and love with your spouse than it would ever be with a new lover or god forbid a date! Another thing that can happen is of course the deadening effect of routine. Thank goodness my husband and I are both very creative and are willing to try new and different things...strap on anyone??? ;-) to keep it exciting. I've been with the same man for over 11 years and while I do happen to have a bit of a roving eye, I've never seen the need to act upon the desire for a new and tasty treat because I know the thrill of newness could never make up for all the knowledge of my body my husband has acquired, the thrill of knowing just how to get my man off, of finding new way to get eachother off and well there's nothing like the amazing rhythm of a couple deeply familiar with each other. So my advice is just to get some rest honey, you'll be amazed at how the sex drive magically returns!

 

[jon.hayworth]

I have been married 3 times and twice before I had a vasectomy once after.

Kids to my mind are the best sex inhibitors going - constantly parents seem to be too tired, the danger of bust up arrives when one is too tired and the other is not. Add to that the fragility of the male ego - "she doesn't love me anymore - she only has time for that kid." And the recipe seems to be fatal.

My last marriage (no Kids) lasted 18 years and we are still sex partners despite being divorced but prefer to live apart. I am 54 she is older than me (I am a gentleman so no numbers) and we have sex on average 4 times a week.

Marriage is not what kills sex. Kids kill sex. Taking one another for granted kills sex. Lack of imagination kills sex.

jon

 

[ronde]

I'm 55 and have been married to the same girl for 35 years. To answer the questions:

Do kids mean less sex - Yep, if you let them. They have this adorable way of wandering into the bedroom for: a drink, I'm scared, he's touching me, she's looking at me and I can't sleep, etc. Add the interruption to the normal fatigue of the day, and it becomes easier to just go to sleep. There is a cure; it's called grandparents. Let the little carpet rodents spend a long weekend with Gram and Gramps and Mom and Dad can have a hot date. They'll enjoy it, and you can catch up. After the kids turn 20 or so, the interruptions become somewhat less frequent, and your sex life can return to mostly what it was before.

Does being with the same partner mean less sex - No. It does mean better sex, because you aren't trying to discover each other's likes and boundaries. You can concentrate on doing what pleases your partner, and your partner can do the same for you.

Age does change the sex drive somewhat, but this often does not mean a lessening. At our age, freedom from concern about unplanned children and the aforementioned interruptions make sex more spontaneous than it was when we were younger. Remember that the organ most responsible for the sex drive is the brain. If one believes the sex drive should dwindle after a certain age, it surely will.

 

[Kittenwithawhip]

I knew I was right.




Kitten

 

[cuz cracker]

yes and if you lucky it's all with your spouse.

 

[Minout]

Thank you all for your thoughtful responses. I half expected to find a lot of cynical "I haven't had sex in 6 months" posts. Y'all surprised me! It's comforting to be reminded that infrequent sex is not necessarily the natural progression in long term monogamous relationships.

 

[RomanHans]

So, Roman, do you think that things would be different if you didn't have kids? My ex and I had 6 years of sexual bliss before my daughter was born. I do agree about familiarity breeding contempt and it being harder to get excited about sex the same way, with the same person, day in and day out, year after year. Sex, satisfying sex, like everything else in an LTR, requires work and nurturing.

Well, my wife and I waited a few years between marriage and kids, and clearly our sex life was more active before kids than after...I really think that the problem is that as kids in particular and other things in general are ALLOWED to take priority in your life, sex keeps getting put off until you don't realize what you've been missing in a sense. So I'm not convinced that kids kill sex either, since there are certainly remedies to that malady (grandparents in particular, if you have any whom are local...many don't).

The problem is that we all have limited bandwidth to deal with life, and unless you MAKE sex a priority for work and nurturing, it may escape you before you realize it. Not a lament so much as a recognition of the facts of life.

Roman

 

[HzDomme]

I really think that the problem is that as kids in particular and other things in general are ALLOWED to take priority in your life, sex keeps getting put off until you don't realize what you've been missing in a sense. So I'm not convinced that kids kill sex either, since there are certainly remedies to that malady (grandparents in particular, if you have any whom are local...many don't).

The problem is that we all have limited bandwidth to deal with life, and unless you MAKE sex a priority for work and nurturing, it may escape you before you realize it. Not a lament so much as a recognition of the facts of life.

Roman

I agree 100%!! It is very easy to let everyday life get in the way of a good sex life. You can let it drift away and then it is hard, or sometimes impossible, to get it back.

I think the key is to make your relationship a true priority. The kids will be fine if you spend one night a week alone without them. A sitter for one night is cheaper, in the long run, than a divorce or finding other "entertainment".
My suggestion, if you are near a fair sized city, is to use Priceline.com and get a 4 Star hotel room every so often.
You can usually do so for about $45 and have use of the pool
and exercise facilities. If you can't afford dinner in the hotel bring along a picnic basket full of goodies and drinks.

Go on a date. You deserve it, you need it and your kids need you to be happy.

 

[Guest]

well beyond the 35 year age thing it all depends on the person you are asking... women in general do sometimes take an added inters in sex due to the fact the most of them get their first big O's around that age. (just somehting i remember from my psych book.) then there is also the factor of mental and physical changes with women at that age which in turn give the old sex drive a boost.

As to men... thos whom are 35 or so depends on how their histories on dating have gone by in the past.
A guy whom has been married for 15-30 odd years has kids etc propably is just waiting to die off and as such have no energy or true desire for sex...
Someone whom has gotten divorced or has had multiple marriages is more likely to have an intrest in sex as do those whom have never had the kind of life mentioned earlier.


but it all depends on the people you and your partner associate with or have been forced to associate with.

 

[Guest]

Yes! God, yes!!

It is better now than it was 15 years ago when we were first dating.

No offense to the unregistered poster, but your information is inaccurate at best. (first big O's around age 35? what psych book - I've read quite a few!) Anyway, I don't think you can make such broad generalizations about people and their sex lives. (Of course, like a few folks lately on the board, you could just be looking for a negative reaction, so never mind! lol)

Sex is great - and we have two young children at home. Children just make life more interesting. . .