Is there a lawyer in the house?

[Svenskaflicka]

These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters. How did they keep from laughing while these were all taking place?____________________________________________
Judge: "Well, Sir, I have reviewed this case and I've decided to give your
wife $775 a week."
Husband: "That's fair, your honor. I'll try to send her a few bucks
myself."
____________________________________________
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year
____________________________________________
Q: What gear were you in at moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something you've forgotten?
____________________________________________
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
____________________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that
morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
____________________________________________
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
____________________________________________
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
____________________________________________
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for 10 years. I even went to school for it.
____________________________________________
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
____________________________________________
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Would you repeat that question, please?
____________________________________________
Q: The youngest son, the 20-year old, how old is he?
____________________________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
____________________________________________
Q: So the date of conception of (the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
A: I resent that question.
____________________________________________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
____________________________________________
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
____________________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
____________________________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?
____________________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition that I
sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
____________________________________________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
____________________________________________
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK?
A: OK.
Q: What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
____________________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr.. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on
him.
____________________________________________
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
____________________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
somewhere.

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

Is there a lawyer in the house?

I sure hope not. This is supposed to be a respectable joint. RF

 

[ffreak]

Thank you for making me laugh. I really like the last one.

 

[MathGirl]

Dear Svenska,
Thank you for those. I'll print them out for Auntie.
MG

 

[Svenskaflicka]

I sure hope not. This is supposed to be a respectable joint. RF

Pah! Since when???

 

[Quasimodem]

Is This the Express Joke Line?

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

Drink 'till she's cute, but stop before the wedding

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

I intend to live forever - so far, so good

I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!

Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.

If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ...coincidence?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

Excuses are like asses everyone's got em and they all stink.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

 

[ffreak]

Love em, Quasi.

Q. How many lawyers jokes are there?
A. Three. All the rest are true stories.

 

[Quasimodem]

Weird Science Facts

It is astonishing the weird science facts that young scholars discover under the pressure of a Science Test:


"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water"

"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube"

"When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"

"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."

"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."

"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."

"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."

"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."

"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire"

"A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."

"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."

"The pistol of a flower is its only protections against insects."

"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."

"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."

"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."

"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."

"Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."

"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."

"Liter: A nest of young puppies."

"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."

"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."

"Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."

"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."

"Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."

"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."

"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."

"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."

"For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."

"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose untill it drops in your throat."

"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."

 

[Svenskaflicka]

I'm gonna make blinkies of those, Quasi!

 

[ffreak]

I would say more if I wasn't trying so hard to wipe the tears of laughter from my I's.

Quasi if there is a contest for funniest person on the board, you get my vote.

 

[Quasimodem]

Getting Back to the Topic of Lawyers:

What is the difference between a lawyer and a prostitue?
A prostitute will stop fucking you when you are dead.

*

Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

*

What do you call a lawyer who doesn't chase ambulances?
Retired.

*

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
Six. One to change the bulb and five to write the environmental impact statement.

*

What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?
The caterer.

*

Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

*

"You're a high-priced lawyer! If I give you $500, will you answer two questions for me?"
"Absolutely! What's the second question?"

*

"It was so cold last week that I saw several lawyers with their hands in their own pockets."

*

As the lawyer woke up after surgery, he said" "Why are all the blinds drawn?"
The doctor answered: "There's a big fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."

*

Q: How was copper wire invented?
A: Two lawyers were arguing over a penny

*

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. They decide to conduct a test. A rabbit is released into the forest and each agency is given a chance to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

 

[ffreak]

That last one really rings the bell (I'm originally from LA).

Thanks - you're certainly better than the tube.

(Damn its impossible to not misuse words here)

 

[Quasimodem]

Speaking of the tube: (Vacuum, not Underground)

A current quote:

"... I don't see how GARY COLEMAN has any less experience or any less acumen than ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER and if he was four or five feet taller, he would be right in the running."

--Comedian BILL MAHER on two of the actors running for governor of California, in a CNN interview.

 

[Svenskaflicka]

"I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

LOL

Tragic, when you think of the stories behind it, but very, very true.

(Doesn't the NYPD have a similar reputation? Or was that just Guililiuliluiliano?)

((I know there's "u" and "li" in that name, I just don'tknow how many!))

 

[ffreak]

Once upon a time when I was a lad, the LAPD only accepted ex-military police as applicants. Someone thought that was discriminatory so they let anyone apply.

(sorry, I kinda burst out there - no I don't believe in repressing memory, just regurgitating it - I removed the bulk because it don't belong - especially here).

ps. Been in New York too - nope, they're not as bad.

 

[ffreak]

From: This Modern World by Tom Tomorrow in the local independent:

Gray Davis: "Yes, Mr. Coleman is a world famous actor - but does that really qualify him to be leader of this great state?"

Coleman: "Well all I can say is - Whatchoo talking about, Gray Davis? Heh, heh! Don't tell me you didn't see that one coming."

 

[MathGirl]

Originally posted by Quasimodem " The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."

Actually, there's a lot of truth in that.
MG
Ps. These are much better than my ridiculous name list. Thanks to Svenska and Quaz.

 

[ffreak]

A new Webster's

The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the 2003 winners:

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex.

5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

 

[Alex De Kok]

Thanks, folks. You made my day.

Alex

 

[Svenskaflicka]

ffreak, you're the greatest! I looooooooooove word jokes! Only problem is that I've been laughing so hard at these, my cheeks hurt...

 

[Quasimodem]

30 Harsh Things A Woman Can Say To A Naked Man

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the early bird.

 

[MathGirl]

ffreak, you're the greatest! I looooooooooove word jokes! Only problem is that I've been laughing so hard at these, my cheeks hurt...

Dear Svenska,
All four?
MG

Dear Quaz,
As my father says, "It's hard for a man to take himself too seriously when his wife refers to his dick as 'The Little Fellow.'"
MG

 

[Quasimodem]

More Lawyers.

Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?
It's called, Sosumi.

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

How are an apple and a lawyer alike?
They both look good hanging from a tree.

How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?
She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.

How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
How many can you afford?

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light bulb.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb . . .

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

What are lawyers good for?
They make used car salesmen look good.

What did the lawyer name his daughter?
Sue.

What did the terrorist that hijacked a jumbo-jet full of lawyers do?
He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
It takes 300,000 of them to make one human being.

What do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their chins in cement?
Not enough cement.

What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
Skeet.

What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start!

What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
Senator.

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
Your Honour.

What do you do if you run over a lawyer?
Back over him to make sure. Then, make another notch on the steering wheel.

What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?
Another lawyer.

What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
His partners.

What does a lawyer do after sex?
Pays the bill.

What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra?
Taller

What does a lawyer use for birth-control?
His personality.

What happened to the lawyer who was thrown out of a saloon?
He was disbarred.

What happens to a lawyer who jumps out of a plane at 35,000 feet without a parachute?
Who cares?

What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.


What type of apparel is the most popular with lawyers?
Law-suits.

What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of dirt?
The bucket.

What's brown and looks really good on a lawyer?
A Doberman.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar?
The pronunciation.

What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
You cry when you cut up an onion.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
Removable wingtips.

What's the difference between a mosquito and a lawyer?
One is a blood-sucking parasite, the other is an insect.

What's the difference between God and a lawyer?
God doesn't think he's a lawyer.

Where can you find a good lawyer?
The nearest cemetery.

Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
To practice.

Why does California have the most lawyers in the country, and New Jersey have the most toxic waste sites?
New Jersey got first choice.

Why don't lawyers go to the beach?
Cats keep trying to bury them in the sand.

Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.

You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
Shoot the lawyer. Twice.

 

[ffreak]

ooooo, MathGirl, can I have both of you? (naw that picture didn't affect my typing - only had to redo it a dozen times to get it into recognizable words)

--------------------------

A man comes into City Hall and says, "Hey Sheriff, you remember that bus-load of lawyers headed to some convention?"

The Sheriff says, "Yeah, what about them?"

"Well," says the man, "there was a terrible accident about ten miles out of town and the bus ran off the side of the mountain. It was a terrible sight. But don't worry, I fixed it all up. The bus ended up right next to the landfill. So I just pushed it on over into the deepest part and covered it up. Since they were all lawyers I didn't think anyone would want to say anything nice over them and I figured it would save the coroner from all that work."

The Sheriff's eyes get big and he says, "Are you sure they were ALL dead?"

The man says, "Sure they were all dead. They were making a god-awful bunch of noise, but you know how lawyers lie."

 

[Quasimodem]

"It's hard . . . when his wife refers to his dick as 'The Little Fellow.'"MG

A friend of mine claims that whenever they were about to have sex his Ex used to announce: "Warts Up!"

Do you wonder why their marriage didn't prosper?