Is the hook good enough?

[sr71plt]

Seriously, Jimmy? Your "Hook" goes on for way too long. This is an old gimmick, the "where am I?" opening. Get into it and get out of it as fast as you can and get the story moving.

You wake up, there's a fire and you're bleeding. Establish that and start your story. Taking a page to do this while you slowly come to your senses is way too long. That Thump Thump Thump doesn't work for my money.

I'm afraid to ask you what comes after this. It should be story. That's what will hook us. If you've got a bunch of backstory and explanation, you're screwed. If it is story, get into it as fast as you can and that will carry us along.

In my opinion, What you have here screams "HOOK!!!!!! CONTRIVED WRITING!!!"

That's my opinion. If people would stop fighting about what a fucking hook is, I'd like to hear some other opinions.

Yes, it could be condensed--although I don't think it commits the sin of dumping it all and then repeating the same dumping a couple of times--there is a buildup in an image of what is there, I think. But what, then, couldn't stand a bit of condensing and minimizing the atmospherics, eh Doc? My original first thought was that the paragraphs were uniformly too short and choppy--but all of that can wait until there's a context going.

 

[Belegon]

Yes, it could be condensed--although I don't think it commits the sin of dumping it all and then repeating the same dumping a couple of times--there is a buildup in an image of what is there, I think. But what, then, couldn't stand a bit of condensing and minimizing the atmospherics, eh Doc? My original first thought was that the paragraphs were uniformly too short and chopping--but all of that can wait until there's a context going.

I thought that about the paragraphs too, but chalked it up to the venue. An amount of white space that is not appropriate on the page is actually desirable on Lit, if only to ease eye strain.

 

[jimmy_love_fl]

Thanks for all of the advice everybody. I think the big point here is to simplify the explanations and and get to the point. I kind of like the build-up, although I'll agree that it's a little overdone. I'm going to take out the part about him waking up from unconsciousness, because it is way too cliche. It does immediately get into the action in chapter two when it says

Earlier that day...

Then they are walking to an Al-Qaida safe house to apprehend a suspect are are set up and ambushed. The first 5 chapters are non stop action and sex. Through the course of the day his anger and rage build until he kills and tortures everyone involved and blows up the building they were in, accidentally blowing up the building behind it as well.

Which catches you up to the suicide attempt. Would it be better to start with the action scene, and go in chronological order? I thought the reader would be intrigued enough to find out why the heck this guy would have killed all of those people, and by the time he finds out, he is hooked into the story.

 

[Stella_Omega]

There's an old piece of advice that says;

Throw away your first chapter and start in the middle of the action.

 

[sr71plt]

There's an old piece of advice that says;

Throw away your first chapter and start in the middle of the action.

That's a mantra in publishing houses when discussing new writers.

 

[NoJo]

A hook is not the first 900 words. A hook is the first sentence.

Quite. I have the attention span of a teenager when it comes to reading, so as a writer I understand and appreciate that rule.

Jimmy, not bad, but needs a lot of editing. Your grammar is slightly awkward in places.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Quite. I have the attention span of a teenager when it comes to reading, so as a writer I understand and appreciate that rule.

Jimmy, not bad, but needs a lot of editing. Your grammar is slightly awkward in places.

I'm even worse. I have the attention spa