Is my wife Bi?

[trf041893]

I really didn't know what to about this. I'll try to lay some groundwork for honest feedback.
My wife and I have been married for 10 years and have 3 beautiful children . She is the most awesome beautiful woman in the world to me. We have shared our fantasies with each other and they have included sex with another woman for her. I accepted that this a fairly common fantasy for women and really didn't give it much further thought.
A little over a year ago she had a total hysterrectomy due to endometryosis. With the hormone issues it has gotten a little crazy and our sex life has suffered. She has quit taking hormones due to the increased body fat they caused and has gone an all natural supplement route.
We are both very in recovery for alcoholism and she has 13+ years sobriety and I have 12+ years. We are very involved with working with others. In her early sobriety she questioned her sexuality and actually went out several times with some lesbians on group outings, she said that a slow dance was the only contact she ever had and that it wasn't sexually arousing. I questioned her a lot about it in the early stages of our relationship. (I was secretly hoping she had gone further because I found it very arousing)
From the ages of 17-22 she had 75+ sexual encounters with men that she can account for. She has never masturbated, which I find odd.
My sister recently came out and we've been very supportive of her and let her know that we have no problem with her sexuality and love her for who she is. Last Christmas my wife to a family funtion that I didn't attend due to one of our children having the flu. She came home and told she had fantasized that my sister was scared to tell us about her sexuality due to the fact that my sister was in love with her. She talks to my sister a good bit. She recently confided that when she is around my sister she blushes when they hug. When we watch porn, girl-girl scenes are what she chooses. She has had a good deal of dreams of being with other women, she says that she dosen't know the people in the dreams, except for one where she dreamed she started a "Mother's Morning Out" for our neighborhood and all the mothers had a lesbo orgy and she remembers really getting on with one of our neighbors.
Her favorite fantasy is to be taken by my sister with a strap-on with my sisters current partner participating.
She also fantasized about being girlfriends with one of our lesbian friends and told me she was slightly attarcted to her. I told her she seems drawn to lesbians like a moth to a flame and she agreed. In last moth's Playboy they had a poll of college co-eds and one of the questions was "have you ever been with another woman" and 55% answered in the affirmative it also asked "what celebrity female would you most like to have sex with" , 57% answered Angelina Jolie. I asked my wife and with very little pause she answered Ellen DeGeneres. I guess the point is that my wife is not attracted to classically beautiful women, but, true lesbian women. While my sister is pretty she dresses down and to be honest you could discern her sexual orientation from how she carries herself, we also had a cute but butchy girl on our co-ed softball team whom my wife seemed to take under her wing. Yes, we've had fantasies about her too.
My dilema is that our sex life has gotten routine and passionless and my feelings can get hurt and my wife tries to assuage me by saying that life (kids, finances, etc.) wears her down as well as physical issues. She never says no to sex, but for her I believe it is duty. She almost always has an orgasm, usally 7 or 8 to be honest and says she totally satisfied in that area.
She is my best friend and I don't want to lose our marriage. I have no desire to be with anyone but her. I do, however want to re-energize our sex life. I have purchased every sex toy on the market and we have experimented with almost everything 2 people can do.
I guess what I'm asking from those of you who have been there is there evidence that my wife is perhaps a lesbian? I want her to be happy and hope that she able to be honest with herself. I know she will be honest with me when she can come to terms with things herself.
I get more turned my fantasizing about her being with other men, though I don't think I could ever actually live it. I do think I might be able to let her be with another woman. It is still very scary to think about though.
I hope I made some sense and hope it hasn't been to wordy to actually read.
TIA!!!!

 

[Guest]

You already know what I think on it

 

[John Doe]

I really didn't know what to about this. I'll try to lay some groundwork for honest feedback.

My wife and I have been married for 10 years and have 3 beautiful children . She is the most awesome beautiful woman in the world to me. We have shared our fantasies with each other and they have included sex with another woman for her. I accepted that this a fairly common fantasy for women and really didn't give it much further thought.

A little over a year ago she had a total hysterrectomy due to endometryosis. With the hormone issues it has gotten a little crazy and our sex life has suffered. She has quit taking hormones due to the increased body fat they caused and has gone an all natural supplement route.

We are both very in recovery for alcoholism and she has 13+ years sobriety and I have 12+ years. We are very involved with working with others. In her early sobriety she questioned her sexuality and actually went out several times with some lesbians on group outings, she said that a slow dance was the only contact she ever had and that it wasn't sexually arousing. I questioned her a lot about it in the early stages of our relationship. (I was secretly hoping she had gone further because I found it very arousing)
From the ages of 17-22 she had 75+ sexual encounters with men that she can account for. She has never masturbated, which I find odd.

My sister recently came out and we've been very supportive of her and let her know that we have no problem with her sexuality and love her for who she is. Last Christmas my wife to a family funtion that I didn't attend due to one of our children having the flu. She came home and told she had fantasized that my sister was scared to tell us about her sexuality due to the fact that my sister was in love with her. She talks to my sister a good bit. She recently confided that when she is around my sister she blushes when they hug. When we watch porn, girl-girl scenes are what she chooses. She has had a good deal of dreams of being with other women, she says that she dosen't know the people in the dreams, except for one where she dreamed she started a "Mother's Morning Out" for our neighborhood and all the mothers had a lesbo orgy and she remembers really getting on with one of our neighbors.

Her favorite fantasy is to be taken by my sister with a strap-on with my sisters current partner participating.
She also fantasized about being girlfriends with one of our lesbian friends and told me she was slightly attarcted to her. I told her she seems drawn to lesbians like a moth to a flame and she agreed. In last moth's Playboy they had a poll of college co-eds and one of the questions was "have you ever been with another woman" and 55% answered in the affirmative it also asked "what celebrity female would you most like to have sex with" , 57% answered Angelina Jolie. I asked my wife and with very little pause she answered Ellen DeGeneres. I guess the point is that my wife is not attracted to classically beautiful women, but, true lesbian women. While my sister is pretty she dresses down and to be honest you could discern her sexual orientation from how she carries herself, we also had a cute but butchy girl on our co-ed softball team whom my wife seemed to take under her wing. Yes, we've had fantasies about her too.

My dilema is that our sex life has gotten routine and passionless and my feelings can get hurt and my wife tries to assuage me by saying that life (kids, finances, etc.) wears her down as well as physical issues. She never says no to sex, but for her I believe it is duty. She almost always has an orgasm, usally 7 or 8 to be honest and says she totally satisfied in that area.
She is my best friend and I don't want to lose our marriage. I have no desire to be with anyone but her. I do, however want to re-energize our sex life. I have purchased every sex toy on the market and we have experimented with almost everything 2 people can do.

I guess what I'm asking from those of you who have been there is there evidence that my wife is perhaps a lesbian? I want her to be happy and hope that she able to be honest with herself. I know she will be honest with me when she can come to terms with things herself.

I get more turned my fantasizing about her being with other men, though I don't think I could ever actually live it. I do think I might be able to let her be with another woman. It is still very scary to think about though.
I hope I made some sense and hope it hasn't been to wordy to actually read.
TIA!!!!

Yep, she's as gay as the day is long.

 

[Mari J]

"Is my wife bi?" is more concerned with labelling. You have a lot of things to deal with before you bother with that question. Her hormone replacement therapy needs to be worked out just for her own health. Also, the effect of parenthood and other pressures on your relationship needs to be addressed. Even if she were straight, she might still fantasize about others--and maybe reach out to them--because of stresses at home.

Her musings about women are part of a bigger picture. It's a good sign that she's open about it with you. That's a good start. I think you both need some information and further discussion. I think you would find counseling just the thing at this point in your lives.

 

[trf041893]

I'm not trying to label, just trying to get a sense of how serious or real these "signs" are. I want to make sure my wife is getting what she needs and don't want to repress her desires.
I was looking to hear from someone who has experienced this and to get a sense if these are common fantasies or real bi or lesbian tendencies.
Thanks again

 

[TexWiller]

If you have a bisexual spouse, the best you can do is try to be understanding. My husband is bi. He came out to me not that long ago. At first, I had a problem with it. Now, we're okay. I'm glad he told me.

 

[Kpooh]

My vote is that you offer to explore this side with her (if you are willing to do so). If nothing else, you are letting her know that the lines of communication are open, and that is the most important part of any relationship. If you are not willing to, then let her know your feelings on the situation. It sounds like she may be bi-sexual, but is possibly afraid of ruining the marriage if she lets her feelings be known or explores this further. You need to let her know exactly where you stand too.

This from someone who has been there, and knows what she is feeling.

 

[M-Y-Erotica]

I think Mari J is right. There are lots of issues here that you are all working with, beyond just sexuality, and you might wish to see a counselor about them. You may discover that many of them are not related to orientation at all and can address them, or you might discover that her desires are the root of almost all of it. There is no way to know. Your company might offer paid for couseling - at least a few sessions. I'd say take advantage of it.

 

[dizzylia]

Considering everything that has gone on leading up to and following the operation, it's possible that your wife's sexual desires are fueled by something more subliminal. Men and women offer very different things as far as the emotional aspects go.

I'm not sure this is something that could jeopardize your marriage... unless you let it. And that would happen through a lack of communication, most likely, so the best thing you can probably do is to keep talking... which includes keeping her talking. What is it she finds attractive about women, or about lesbians specifically? Is it their butch side? Is it the fact there would be no man in the picture (which you should not take personally, honest).

As has already been stated, this seems to just one part of a much bigger picture. Because she's a mother, her surgery might affect her view of the man-woman relationship. If that's the case, sex is only one issue you might be looking at. Regardless, keep talking, bring in a counselor if you both agree it might help.

And if it turns out she is a lesbian or bisexual, please try not to take it too personally. We all find our own paths, and some of those paths are long and winding and turn to the left or right when others think we should keep going straight.

 

[Mike260]

Your wife seems to be in a pretty tough spot right now. She may be worrying about herself, her attractiveness to men, her perception of herself as a sexual being, or her health. As well, she might be reacting to her new emotional topography with all the hormone stuff going on.

Or she might be going through some "dry drunk" stuff by searching for novelty and thrills in response to emotional unease.

Or she might be discovering a new aspect of her sexuality.

I don't know. And she probably doesn't either.

I'd say, the first thing to do is to make sure she understands something you seem to be saying: that you love her.

Second, take care of yourself here. Maybe you need to keep meditating on this. Maybe you need to reach out to a friend (and maybe not, in light of the nature of the subject). Or you might benefit from counseling.

And your wife might benefit from counseling too.

 

[trf041893]

Thank you all very much for your responses. We're just talking and seeing where all this goes. One thing we've learned, life's a journey not a destination.
Actually we're having fun fantasizing about the scenarios!