is my guy bi/gay/what? perspective needed!

[blissful27]

I have been with my boyfriend for about 6 months....we have said I love you, spend practically everyday together and he's incredibly affectionate towards me. I was very secure in our relationship until I found out through his computer history that he likes to frequently look at she-male porn....which kind of took me by surprise.....I wasn't bothered by this per se, I'm very open to bisexuality, if in fact he's bi......but upon further snooping (i know.....i'm a horrible girlfriend) i found out he actually dated a T-girl for a while, and very recently before we got together.


Now, the more I examine our sex life the more i see how routine it is for him......he never gets really horny and just wants to fuck me.......it seems nothing i do can compel him enough to want to sleep with me.......i feel like i cannot seduce him.....or entice him.........in the end i usually just straight up have to ask him...can we have sex? The sex is not bad, but some of the time i can tell he's not there, and it's happened on more than one occasion that he goes soft halfway through.

I talked to a very close mutual gay friend about the situation and he was quick to dispel my notions of him being gay...."he sounds bi" was his answer based on the whole tranny thing.....explaining most gay guys are NOT into transexuals. but still i'm sooooooo confused. My boyfriend practically hangs off me.....we are so close, he's so touchy feely....almost too much some times, and all it does is make me second guess the relationship.

Now this is all can think about.........i've tried on many occasions to have a conversation with him about sex, our fantasy's, etc. but he's oh so very generic.....and it usually always reverts back to me and what i like. It pisses me off! I know he's a kinky boy..........hell I'm a really kinky girl.........I wish we could share this aspect of our lives together, but i can't find a way to broach the subject.......all this time we have both been pretending we are this regular, boring couple, when in fact we are both really open and freaky

how do i talk to him about this.....considering we've never opened that door?
i started with the attitude "i'll wait until he's ready to talk about it" but now i honestly don't think he ever will, and every time i feel rejected I'm wondering "is he gay?".

Help !!! I'm letting this eat me alive!!!

 

[read2me]

I think he definitely sounds bi. As for why he isn't forthcoming on the fetishes is he's probably scared of what you will think of him. He probably really loves you and doesn't want to take a chance on how you'll react to finding out about this part of him. Probably the best way is for you to initiate his fantasies by telling him that they are your own.. if they are, don't lie to him if you're not into it. Maybe try finding a porno w/ a bi-threesome and watch it while having sex. Or offer up the option of you wearing a strap on. (i know I'd go for that)

 

[SassySheDevil]

I agree. Some times when I was nervous about telling my husband of fantasies or turn ons I'd bring it up as a joke to see his reaction. "oh so and so just told me he's bi".. to see his reaction.

Or "I had a dream and I was shocked what I was dreaming about"..

Then if he seemed into it, I'd move forward.

I agree, he's at least bi.

Have you ever tried any anal play with him?

 

[human_male]

The fact that he's into that kind of porn doesn't necessarily mean he's gay. But there does seem to be an issue if he doesn't seem to want sex with you. So if you discuss it with him, and that's all you can really do, maybe don't ask him if he's gay just yet. Try just asking him if there's some reason he doesn't seem interested in sex with you, or that he's all that turned on by you. Or if there's some other problem. Keep the gay question to the side for now.

If he is reluctant to discuss it with you, make sure you tell him that you are very concerned about the situation and it's making you unhappy, but regardless of what he says you will not judge him in any way, and that all you want to do is help him through it. You just want to know the truth. And that you deserve to know the truth.

 

[seaturtle50]

he never gets really horny and just wants to fuck me.......it seems nothing i do can compel him enough to want to sleep with me.......i feel like i cannot seduce him.....or entice him..

Why not just go down on him whenever you are in the mood? I've never met a man who was not into that. Maybe you could ask him to tell you his favorite fantasy while doing him - and I'm sure everything will come to a ... head?

ST50

 

[Samuelx]

I have been with my boyfriend for about 6 months....we have said I love you, spend practically everyday together and he's incredibly affectionate towards me. I was very secure in our relationship until I found out through his computer history that he likes to frequently look at she-male porn....which kind of took me by surprise.....I wasn't bothered by this per se, I'm very open to bisexuality, if in fact he's bi......but upon further snooping (i know.....i'm a horrible girlfriend) i found out he actually dated a T-girl for a while, and very recently before we got together.


Now, the more I examine our sex life the more i see how routine it is for him......he never gets really horny and just wants to fuck me.......it seems nothing i do can compel him enough to want to sleep with me.......i feel like i cannot seduce him.....or entice him.........in the end i usually just straight up have to ask him...can we have sex? The sex is not bad, but some of the time i can tell he's not there, and it's happened on more than one occasion that he goes soft halfway through.

I talked to a very close mutual gay friend about the situation and he was quick to dispel my notions of him being gay...."he sounds bi" was his answer based on the whole tranny thing.....explaining most gay guys are NOT into transexuals. but still i'm sooooooo confused. My boyfriend practically hangs off me.....we are so close, he's so touchy feely....almost too much some times, and all it does is make me second guess the relationship.

Now this is all can think about.........i've tried on many occasions to have a conversation with him about sex, our fantasy's, etc. but he's oh so very generic.....and it usually always reverts back to me and what i like. It pisses me off! I know he's a kinky boy..........hell I'm a really kinky girl.........I wish we could share this aspect of our lives together, but i can't find a way to broach the subject.......all this time we have both been pretending we are this regular, boring couple, when in fact we are both really open and freaky

how do i talk to him about this.....considering we've never opened that door?
i started with the attitude "i'll wait until he's ready to talk about it" but now i honestly don't think he ever will, and every time i feel rejected I'm wondering "is he gay?".

Help !!! I'm letting this eat me alive!!!

Lady, lots of straight men look at shemale porn. Lots of gay women watch gay male erotic videos. People watch stuff that's different all the time. If your man turns out to be bisexual, I suggest the two of you discuss it. WITHOUT accusations or confrontations. Just a calm talk. He sounds like a good man. It's in your best interests to keep him. They don't grow on trees you know.

 

[emap]

I'm going with Samuel on this, don't dump him, don't force the issue either. Couple things popped out at me as saying he doesn't know yet himself. He watches transexual porn, and never told you, which in and of itself means nothing, but then you toss in he's touchy feely but can't really get into sex with you.

Just watching transexual porn is normal, lots of guys do that because then they can satisfy the curiousity about gay sex and not stare at two guys having sex.

Lots of women watch homosexual porn, I betcha most are not homosexual themselves. Think about it, a straight woman loves looking at guys, nude and otherwise, two guys having sex is twice the guy skin to ogle. Course there is a slight problem with alot of the homosexual porn, at least one of the guys is either scrawy and hairless or large and hairy, sometimes both. Doesn't do anything for me at least.

Anyway back to your boyfriend. He is almost to touchy feely, which says he is insecure with your relationship, however, the not getting into sex with you part says something else. He is mulling over something sexually, with the added information of he had just dated a transexual woman it points to one thing.

He is not sure of his sexuality, the touchy feely part is saying he wants to appear straight and loving of you a woman, but his not getting into sex with you says he is not sure if he is straight or not and he is trying to figure it out. Don't take it personally, the mere fact he can get it up and have sex with you means he finds you desirable, he just is not sure of himself and the doubt is giving him problems. Also the reason he is not sharing his fantasies, he is afraid of them and what you would think if he told you something like as an example, I want to have a big strong guy tie me to a bed and use my body.

That is of course probably not one of them, though I have to admit that is sounding good to me.

 

[sterculius]

Hi Blissful, I hear your anguish, but this thread touches on a topic that I find to be problematic. Namely, the need that many people have to put people into boxes. Straight, gay, bisexual, pansexual are all useful words to describe groups or concepts, but when you try to pigeonhole actual individuals into these conceptual cubicles, you deny them their unique personalities. At the end of the day, all that really matters is whether or not you love each other, and are you able to communicate with each other regarding your sexual preferences so that you both are on the same sexual page. Good luck.

 

[bb13me32]

Could not have said it better my self!

 

[tonethebone]

Why not start a sexy email exchange with him. Make it a game. You start by sharing something "freaky" with him. Then see how he responds back. Remember to remind him it's for fun. See if he will share some fantasies as time passes.

I tried this with my wife a while back. I wanted to spice up our sex life after 20 years together. It worked better than I could ever imagine. By the time both of us got home from work, we practically smothered each other.

And Samuel is right on. Lots of guys watch tranny/shemale porn. I do every chance I get LOL

 

[kalalau]

I agree very strongly with everyone!! (especially emap). I think that he's not entirely sure of who he is sexually and is afraid of who he probably is. Personally, I sometimes think that I would rather be much more of one than the other. I am SO in the middle. I like men better when I'm with a man, and women better when I'm with a woman. Its confusing sometimes! Anyway, its just an opinion and we all have one!!

 

[billc393]

The sex is not bad, but some of the time i can tell he's not there, and it's happened on more than one occasion that he goes soft halfway through.

You didn't mention your ages, but that can happen sometimes, especially if the guy is over 40.

Now this is all can think about.........i've tried on many occasions to have a conversation with him about sex, our fantasy's, etc. but he's oh so very generic.....and it usually always reverts back to me and what i like. It pisses me off! I know he's a kinky boy..........hell I'm a really kinky girl.........

As others have mentioned, and if you're into it, you might want to mention to him that you'd like to use a strapon, or a dildo, on him and see what his reaction is. If he's anything like me, and you let him know the thought of it turns you on, he'll be all about doing it with you.

how do i talk to him about this.....considering we've never opened that door? i started with the attitude "i'll wait until he's ready to talk about it"

One surefire way to get a man to tell you all of his sexual secrets is to tie him to the bed, and then give him a hand/blow job that never quite lets him cum. After the 10th or 12th trip to the edge, he'll answer any question you have just to get to cum... an added bonus for you will be that you can also gauge his reactions to your questions by his dick getting harder or softer...

Help !!! I'm letting this eat me alive!!!

By all means, one way or another initiate a conversation about this with him. Don't let it eat at you, you'll end up making decisions about his wants and needs sexually that will probably be far from reality!

(and remember, above all, have fun!)

-Bill