Is it worth a durn?

[jacks4u]

I wrote this, as a bit of a lark, while pondering the Author's Hangout Vending Machine.

I know it's not an erotic poem. Instead, basically a learning exercise.


Some constructive criticism would be nice. And not to worry, I'm not thin skinned in the least.

Some questions I have:
Did you enjoy it?
Is my word choice good?
Does it have a decent rhythm? Did that rhythm break?
And what about punctuation?
Is there anything else that would help me to write better poetry?

Thanks in advance!
Jacks


Laying about this sorry machine,
hopes, dreams, broken things.
A lock, a hasp, a monkey wrench,
all here, the same for a horny wench.

And the prize, for when it works,
is such surprise, or even worse.
Within the bowels of this cursed box,
a flaw, a mote, a broken cog.

A tire, a stove, the kitchen sink
go in the slot, but “how?” you think.
To wait a moment and then you find
a half ate burrito, or a gold mine.

Come one, come all and see the wonder
in the slot you place your plunder.
In but a moment you will see
your greed exchanged for a broken knee.

But if by chance or strange design
your junk turns into a shiny dime,
decry, you can, your granted dream
from Author's Hangout Vending Machine.

 

[Angeline]

I wrote this, as a bit of a lark, while pondering the Author's Hangout Vending Machine.

I know it's not an erotic poem. Instead, basically a learning exercise.


Some constructive criticism would be nice. And not to worry, I'm not thin skinned in the least.

Some questions I have:
Did you enjoy it?
Is my word choice good?
Does it have a decent rhythm? Did that rhythm break?
And what about punctuation?
Is there anything else that would help me to write better poetry?

Thanks in advance!
Jacks


Laying about this sorry machine,
hopes, dreams, broken things.
A lock, a hasp, a monkey wrench,
all here, the same for a horny wench.

And the prize, for when it works,
is such surprise, or even worse.
Within the bowels of this cursed box,
a flaw, a mote, a broken cog.

A tire, a stove, the kitchen sink
go in the slot, but “how?” you think.
To wait a moment and then you find
a half ate burrito, or a gold mine.

Come one, come all and see the wonder
in the slot you place your plunder.
In but a moment you will see
your greed exchanged for a broken knee.

But if by chance or strange design
your junk turns into a shiny dime,
decry, you can, your granted dream
from Author's Hangout Vending Machine.

Hi. You should come around these parts more often, your poem is very good for an "exercise." Do I think it's the best poem ever, um no. But I see a lot of the raw qualities that make for good poetry. I don't think you are writing to any specific rhythm, are you? And yet there's a very rhythmic feel to it, a musical sort of lilt that translates well to good poetry. The rhyming is basic but good, and you seem to be very skilled at a sort of natural assonance and alliteration. I like your word choices and repetitions, and the "voice" of the poem is consistent throughout--some people have a very hard time with that last thing. You seem to have done it easily. It's well written overall and even fun to read.

Have you written poetry before? If not and you enjoyed this, you should try to write some more, maybe take a shot at free verse. If you haven't written much poetry, I suspect you'd get with the program and produce excellent poems right quick. Just my opinion and I hope others will give you some feedback, too, but overall I'd say you done real good. And I'm pretty picky about poetry.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

As a whole it's a very enjoyable poem funny, interesting and a clever use of words. On the downside I do think you have 'forced' in one or two words for the sake of rhyme and rhythm i.e 'a half ate burrito' because ' a half eaten burrito' would have thrown the rhythm but that's a minor niggle. I'd be interested to know how a horny wench uses a monkey wrench though!

 

[Angeline]

As a whole it's a very enjoyable poem funny, interesting and a clever use of words. On the downside I do think you have 'forced' in one or two words for the sake of rhyme and rhythm i.e 'a half ate burrito' because ' a half eaten burrito' would have thrown the rhythm but that's a minor niggle. I'd be interested to know how a horny wench uses a monkey wrench though!

Geez Annie, I was afraid to ask.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Geez Annie, I was afraid to ask.

Where's Eve? Eve would know

 

[Angeline]

Where's Eve? Eve would know

I understand that Hugo has tools. Well, more than one. So yeah she probably wrote the book.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Anyone with a dildo chair would deffo know about monkey wrenches

 

[champagne1982]

Anyone with a dildo chair would deffo know about monkey wrenches

Even better, they'd be a monkey wench ...

 

[bflagsst]

This lady trying to sell this tacky ring just said, "'Eternity' means everlasting"

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Even better, they'd be a monkey wench ...

Lmaoooooo uuuuuuu are so bad bad badddddd!

This lady trying to sell this tacky ring just said, "'Eternity' means everlasting"

Eh? did I lose the plot somewhere?

 

[jacks4u]

By Angeline:

You should come around these parts more often, your poem is very good for an "exercise." ​

Thank you for the kind words! In submitting this thread, I was closing my eyes and wincing, hoping for some quality feedback, but fearing a smear campaign! Thus far, my hopes have been well founded!

I don't think you are writing to any specific rhythm, are you?...Have you written poetry before?​

hmmm no, I didn't even realize that rhythm and meter were important, though somewhere back about 30 years, perhaps these were touched upon, in a lit. class. sadly, I fear those memories were burned out with alcohol or casual drugs...

As for previous writing, sadly, no I have never really written poetry, but actually enjoyed this. I think the subject matter helped this to be 'fun'.

The rhyming is basic but good, and you seem to be very skilled at a sort of natural assonance and alliteration.​

Somehow, the words just 'felt right'.

...and the "voice" of the poem is consistent throughout--some people have a very hard time with that last thing.​

I absolutely abhor voice and tense changes, they are such a detractor for me, as a reader, so I avoid them like the plague.

Just my opinion and I hope others will give you some feedback, too, but overall I'd say you done real good.​

Again, thanks for your kind words and feedback. I think, perhaps I will write more poetry, but who knows...

 

[jacks4u]

By UnderYourSpell

As a whole it's a very enjoyable poem funny, interesting and a clever use of words.​

Thank you, I really did enjoy writing it!

On the downside I do think you have 'forced' in one or two words for the sake of rhyme and rhythm i.e 'a half ate burrito' because ' a half eaten burrito' would have thrown the rhythm but that's a minor niggle.​

I actually thought about 'eaten';' as opposed to the 'ate' that I used. somehow, the later fit more closely with the reality of the 'Author's Hangout Vending Machine' thread here:http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=484815

I'd be interested to know how a horny wench uses a monkey wrench though!​

When I try to visualize it, as a vending machine, I picture people standing around, sometimes even a 'Horny Wench'. Likewise, quite often what's 'put in' has little resemblance to what comes out. I even imagine the person receiving such things many times just discards the useless junk, hence the whole first stanza? is my attempt to paint a picture of how one would see it initially.

The reality of it is, you post into the thread what you put into the machine, and the next poster tells you what came out, then what they put in.

But sadly, few posters ever enumerate on the uses for what they receive.

Again, Thanks for the kind words. Perhaps I'll write more poetry! I will, however study up some, using the excellent web sites that deal with Poetry form and structure...

Jacks

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Well considering none of us that I know of have even read the thread to which you refer I reckon you have done a very good job with the poem in getting the story across, so keep on writing here please

 

[jacks4u]

just to be definitive - a monkey wrench has a handle - perhaps like a broom or duster, only hard, cold steel. Some are contoured to fit nicely in the hand, and the bigger the wrench, the bigger the handle.

hmmm brings to my mind, a common mechanics fantasy of rolling out from under a car, only to find a young woman standing over head, wishing to bargain for the work done...
There's actually an erotic Poem or story in there somewhere...

 

[UnderYourSpell]

just to be definitive - a monkey wrench has a handle - perhaps like a broom or duster, only hard, cold steel. Some are contoured to fit nicely in the hand, and the bigger the wrench, the bigger the handle.

hmmm brings to my mind, a common mechanics fantasy of rolling out from under a car, only to find a young woman standing over head, wishing to bargain for the work done...
There's actually an erotic Poem or story in there somewhere...

You must meet Eve although big tools are more Champs thing!

 

[jacks4u]

Oh, certainly, I'll keep writing, partly because I enjoy the feedback, partly because I enjoy writing, partly even, I enjoy the company I'm keeping

 

[bflagsst]

Some questions I have:
Did you enjoy it?
Is my word choice good?
Does it have a decent rhythm? Did that rhythm break?
And what about punctuation?
Is there anything else that would help me to write better poetry?

I enjoyed the first three lines, the poem might of been more interesting with better word choices. I like the whole assortment of objects list type of thing. The rhythm becomes irrelevant once we hit the fourth line. "horny wench" just seems out of place, it's supposed to be silly, but it's more middle-school than anything else. Punctuation is of minor importance if you're just starting to write poems. I do see the forced lines, forced rhymes. I think you know where you had to stretch, came up short. Without going line for line, I'd say stay away from the easy words and descriptions, stay away from end rhyme if you feel like you're forcing something.

Your second stanza is your best, even though it's a bit plain. "a half ate burrito, or a gold mine." was the worst line, didn't flow conceptually or by sound. 'Plunder' and 'wonder' are just good examples of the easy rhyme that you'll come to know is too easy and uninteresting by instinct, if you keep writing poems. Oh yeah, maybe you have already, but since some people have commented on your poem why not go over to New Poems and comment on some there.

 

[Angeline]

By UnderYourSpell

As a whole it's a very enjoyable poem funny, interesting and a clever use of words.​

Thank you, I really did enjoy writing it!

On the downside I do think you have 'forced' in one or two words for the sake of rhyme and rhythm i.e 'a half ate burrito' because ' a half eaten burrito' would have thrown the rhythm but that's a minor niggle.​

I actually thought about 'eaten';' as opposed to the 'ate' that I used. somehow, the later fit more closely with the reality of the 'Author's Hangout Vending Machine' thread here:http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=484815

I'd be interested to know how a horny wench uses a monkey wrench though!​

When I try to visualize it, as a vending machine, I picture people standing around, sometimes even a 'Horny Wench'. Likewise, quite often what's 'put in' has little resemblance to what comes out. I even imagine the person receiving such things many times just discards the useless junk, hence the whole first stanza? is my attempt to paint a picture of how one would see it initially.

The reality of it is, you post into the thread what you put into the machine, and the next poster tells you what came out, then what they put in.

But sadly, few posters ever enumerate on the uses for what they receive.

Again, Thanks for the kind words. Perhaps I'll write more poetry! I will, however study up some, using the excellent web sites that deal with Poetry form and structure...

Jacks

Well if you do ever get the urge to write more poetry, c'mon over here. As you can see we're a friendly bunch, and when people are serious about wanting feedback we try to give it. It's very supportive here. And it was obvious to me reading what I know was mostly a throwaway for you that you are a writer, a good writer. In my experience, good thoughtful writers can usually do well across genres. Btw, I'm one of the moderators on this forum (along with Wicked Eve and Lauren Hynde), so if you have any questions or need help getting your feet wet here feel free to contact me.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Angeline's ok if you need help ........ a bit wacky and rude though but we forgive her that!

 

[jacks4u]

By bflagsst:

I enjoyed the first three lines, the poem might of been more interesting with better word choices.​

First of all, Thanks for taking the time to read and comment, I do appreciate other's thoughts, and wish to improve all aspects of my writing skills.

I was trying for some sort of magical/wimsical atmosphere, but agree, my word choices could be better. But I guess I'd have to 'expand my vocabulary' somewhat, or at least find a really good thesaurus. Do you know of any web tools that will help with word choice?

I like the whole assortment of objects list type of thing. The rhythm becomes irrelevant once we hit the fourth line. "horny wench" just seems out of place, it's supposed to be silly, but it's more middle-school than anything else.​

Sorry to hear that! I'll try to re-think it, and perhaps make it better. I was actually kind of proud of the first stanza, that just popped into my head, and I just went with it, and wrote the rest of the poem around it...

Punctuation is of minor importance if you're just starting to write poems. I do see the forced lines, forced rhymes. I think you know where you had to stretch, came up short.​

I know that for story submissions, lit. is kind of picky, but saw nothing similar iterated for poetry submissions. could the standards be the same? or is more latitude given to poetry?

Yea, some of the word choices were kind of a stretch, and at times, i thought I was settling for second best. I did not feel like looking for obscure words that would beg the reader to look up meanings. Is this the typical choice? or should I turn a whole phrase or stanza, until I feel no stress or strain in the wording?

Your second stanza is your best, even though it's a bit plain. "a half ate burrito, or a gold mine." was the worst line, didn't flow conceptually or by sound. 'Plunder' and 'wonder' are just good examples of the easy rhyme that you'll come to know is too easy and uninteresting by instinct, if you keep writing poems.​

Really? It felt awkward to me, and was a remnant from an attempt to take this in a slightly different way. I particularly didn't like the similarity between 'prize' and 'surprise', but didn't know how else to convey the uncertain outcome for a given input to 'The Box'.

Oh yeah, maybe you have already, but since some people have commented on your poem why not go over to New Poems and comment on some there.​

I plan on doing just that! I've found that commenting and critiquing other's work, and reading what others say about the same works, is an invaluable growth tool! Thanks for the suggestion

Thanks also for your candid thoughts! I appreciate the feedback, and suggestions.

Jacks

 

[jacks4u]

...And it was obvious to me reading what I know was mostly a throwaway for you that you are a writer, a good writer.

Hmmm Thanks for the vote of confidence. Actually, I have one story published here, and a couple things on Helium. The Helium stories earned me $0.75, and the one here got mixed reviews. It's basically a first person past story, the narrator telling the reader what a scumbag he is, in not so many words, by relating his actions and reactions to the fact that his wife was cheating on him...

I have another story 'in work' that I'm having trouble with - a story about a married couple's appointment with a real estate agent, to view a house - they get stuck, snowbound by the un-timely arrival of a winter storm. I'm stuck, because I want to write a 'ménage à trois', but It seems forced, or perhaps contrived, false. It'll sit in my 'inwk' folder until I'm happy with it...:\

In my experience, good thoughtful writers can usually do well across genres...

I do want to grow, do well as an author, and not just in writing stories, but with poetry, as well.

Thanks again, and as a matter of fact, the whole question here about monkey wrenches gave me an idea for a ummm poetic story? But I'll have to let it roll around for a while, see what comes out!

Again, Thank you all, for being so accommodating! Your feedback has been invaluable, and I appreciate and value it.

Jacks

 

[bflagsst]

Do you know of any web tools that will help with word choice?

I know that for story submissions, lit. is kind of picky, but saw nothing similar iterated for poetry submissions. could the standards be the same? or is more latitude given to poetry?

Yea, some of the word choices were kind of a stretch, and at times, i thought I was settling for second best. I did not feel like looking for obscure words that would beg the reader to look up meanings. Is this the typical choice? or should I turn a whole phrase or stanza, until I feel no stress or strain in the wording?

Dictionary.com works well for thesaurus, but an actual real life thesaurus is better because you can thumb through it. I recommend any cheap one, microsoft has one in print that I use. Some people here have mentioned rhymezone.com, it has thesaurus and a rhyming dictionary. The rhyming dictionary is so-so, I like to use it once in a while. The best part about that site is when you look up a word, you can also look it up in shakespeare and the Bible.

I don't know that they're picky on the story side, they accept anything that's legible and doesn't involve underage stuff. On the poetry side it's similar. This site has never really rejected anything because of the quality of a story or poem(aside from the underage and grammar stuff.) The difference is you can write all non-erotic poems and no one's gonna say "your work doesn't belong here".

You don't want to look for obscure words and then put them in your poems, they'll stick out and most likely not work. For me, poetry is just a way of saying something unique about something plain or everyday. Plus readers tend to think you're posturing/elitist if they can't understand a word you've used. Dylan Thomas said he wouldn't write a poem with words that someone with a high school education couldn't understand. I think those are words to write poems by. Writing and re-writing are as important in poetry as prose, you can work on a poem for hours and churn out something that seems effortless, sometimes you get lucky and can write something right the first time, but I think it's like prose, you have to do work to make it sound easy.