Is it valid to look for a D/s partner without being able to offer sex?

[Scarlet_Lady]

This is a question I was considering posting in the How to section but I don't mean to offend anyone there and concluded that this forum may be a more appropriate area to place it due to its content. If the moderators have different opinions I will of course respect that.

D/s is predominantly not about sex for me, though eventually should lead to it one day. At the moment I am more interested in finding an intellectual connection and a chemistry of personalities that may result in mutual attraction. I have been interested in the erotic aspects of power exchange since late teenage years and started exploring the topic online at the age of 20. I was raised and still live a life of conservative values I believe to reflect my views authentically, except for the area of my sexuality. I am not interested nor in the position of "coming out" with BDSM openly, it is very unlikely to ever happen, but hope to find a partner for life who would be willing and eager to share this side of me behind closed bedroom doors.

Now for the tricky part of the situation. Due to religious reasons, which I have every intention of respecting, I am not interested in engaging in pre- or extra-marital sex. It is not an expectation I have of a future partner, at least as far as the pre-marital aspect is concerned, but my very personal situation any potential partner would have to respect. So that basically leaves the task of finding and falling in love with someone compatible who is wonderfully kinky yet strictly monogamous, looking for a life long commitment and at the same time respectful of this barrier until the wedding vows are spoken. I am not famous for being a realist or uncomplicated by the way.

So the next question pops up quite naturally: how to find someone like that? Obviously chances in an environment where I can’t be honest about my interest in D/s seem very slim which pretty much leaves the D/s communities and web sites as options. That is where my other question comes in and is directed mostly towards people who have been there and can provide the real life and personal experience I am still lacking partly due to my age (23) and partly due to the above described situation.

Is it valid to advertise that you are interested in getting to know people in hopes of a D/s relationship, but not being in a position to get sexual for the time being?

I have been struggling with the situation for a while now, looked for online substitutions and outlets for my sexual energies to distract me for a while at least but of course those are no real solution to the original problem.

I would like to ask for your comments and advice on the situation. I couldn't work out much of a solution on my own all this time, so any ideas and input is much appreciated.

Thank you.

 

[Ebonyfire]

I suppose it depends what you are interested in. I am a dominant with male submissives who are service oriented. That means their focus is to make my life easier and to serve me in whatever capacity I desire.

It is a negotiated relationship, and it is fine if a submissive has expectations or hopes. However I am not compelled to satisfy or answer that expectation or hope. That is the beauty of being a female dominant. I enjoy frustrating my submissives, and believe it or not they enjoy being frustrated by me. I satisfy their need to owned and controlled. So although they may hope for sex, the chances are they will not get it. I am very upfront with them, I tell them if they want sex, get a girlfriend.

My mantra,

If I had sex with every submissive who came to me, I would be dead, or at the very minimum unable to be gainfully employed.

I should add that the female submissive male dominant dynamic is different, and I am sure that there are male dominants who do not expect sex. I am not sure they post to this forum. They will have to speak for themselves.


Eb

 

[will2power]

I think you should stick to your guns. The last thing you're going to want to compromise, is your values. If it is important to you, then whoever you speak with should be willing to respect that. I would warn you away from anyone that doesn't.

For some people, there is a separation of D/s from sexuality. Your best chance is going to be to find someone who thinks along those lines with you. Don't try to fit a square peg in a round hole and pick someone who almost suits your needs. Sooner or later it's going to come back and bite you in the ass.

You have plenty of time to get into a D/s relationship. You're young, and you've got a lot of time, so don't rush it. It's better to spend your time searching until you find the one you really want, then it is to give into someone who isn't quite what you want. You're just going to end up with a string of broken relationships.

My suggestion at this point might be to try and find yourself some real time activity or munch that will help you learn and experience without the pressure of living up to someone's mistaken expectations. Through those mutual friends you make, you are far more likely to find someone who is going to respect you and your values. Don't be afraid to go out and do some window shopping.

 

[Ebonyfire]

I think you should stick to your guns. The last thing you're going to want to compromise, is your values. If it is important to you, then whoever you speak with should be willing to respect that. I would warn you away from anyone that doesn't.

For some people, there is a separation of D/s from sexuality. Your best chance is going to be to find someone who thinks along those lines with you. Don't try to fit a square peg in a round hole and pick someone who almost suits your needs. Sooner or later it's going to come back and bite you in the ass.

You have plenty of time to get into a D/s relationship. You're young, and you've got a lot of time, so don't rush it. It's better to spend your time searching until you find the one you really want, then it is to give into someone who isn't quite what you want. You're just going to end up with a string of broken relationships.

My suggestion at this point might be to try and find yourself some real time activity or munch that will help you learn and experience without the pressure of living up to someone's mistaken expectations. Through those mutual friends you make, you are far more likely to find someone who is going to respect you and your values. Don't be afraid to go out and do some window shopping.

Excellent advice. You are young, and taking the time to find someone who sees life as you do will be very invaluable.

 

[satindesire]

I think it's the same question as this...

Is it valid to be in a relationship and not be able to offer sex?

A lot of young relationships with religious people who hold true to their beliefs often go through this same thing.

The hard thing is finding someone that's okay with it. Unfortunately, from my experience, just like vanilla guys, some Doms can be in it merely to get their pecker wet! Just be patient.

There's a half for us out there.

 

[april2000]

......

 

[FurryFury]

Yes it is valid, of course it is.

However having been where you are in the whole I'm not going to have sex until I'm married thing, I have to say I believe that is not the most beneficial mind set for a person.

Due to religious and society restraints a lot of us bought into this. It saddens me to see it still going on with anyone. It lead me to make some really bad choices. It also lead many of the wonderful women I know to do the same. It's not an empowered choice for a person to be limited this way but each to their own. I wish I had overcome it in a positive way.

In any case, best wishes to you on your journey.

Fury

 

[Ice2000]

I question the logic of the whole .. lets get married first, and then find out if we like each other in bed later thing.

If you really knew how different people are in bed you might reconsider that one. But understanding its a religious belief, I understand.




I'm sure you can find someone that meets your needs if you keep looking..

 

[Scarlet_Lady]

You have plenty of time to get into a D/s relationship. You're young, and you've got a lot of time, so don't rush it. It's better to spend your time searching until you find the one you really want, then it is to give into someone who isn't quite what you want. You're just going to end up with a string of broken relationships.

I believe you. Fortunately I am not at a string yet, but even my online explorations so far had some broken results and it is for sure not what any of us would desire. I appreciate your wise advice. Of course it doesn't make the desire to share yourself with someone with the depth of your passions go away but I hope it will make waiting for my time to come also a little easier.

My suggestion at this point might be to try and find yourself some real time activity or munch that will help you learn and experience without the pressure of living up to someone's mistaken expectations. Through those mutual friends you make, you are far more likely to find someone who is going to respect you and your values. Don't be afraid to go out and do some window shopping.

This sounds like excellent theoretical advice to me. Unfortunately BDSM - even the invitation only underground type - does not seem to have developed much of a socializing network around here yet. I have recieved an invitation in a chatroom to a gathering that comes closest to a munch - we obviously don't seem to have those here either - but also recieved advice against attending in the very same room that organizes the small event. Most people I spoke with online tell me that things here work nothing like in the UK for example and most attempts at trying to organize munches in different cities seems to have failed so far. Therefor, I am not getting my hopes high in this regard.

Still, thank you for taking the time to ponder my question and for offering your insight.

 

[Scarlet_Lady]

I can't argue as to the validity of it, but I've done it. I'm in the same "religious situation" as you, and like you, have no intention of changing my mind. And you're right, it makes learning about and discussing D/s nearly impossible, which is very frustrating.

Like satindesire said, there are men out there just in it for sex, as well as those who're ok with it. Remember, you only need one person, and I believe there's probably one person out there for us , no matter what we're looking for. The other good news is that I've found that people into D/s tend to be more openminded when it comes to these things. In talking with people online, I've found more of them are ok with no sex than my vanilla boyfriends have been.

Ok, I talk like I know what I'm talking about, but in reality, I'm in the same position as you are.

Thank you for the support, april. It makes me feel a little less like the odd one out in the vanilla as well as the D/s world.

It feels might unfair at times though, doesn't it? But whinning about it is no solution either, I know so I hope that maybe some of the suggestions others have made may be helpful to both of us. Should you find that one person out there before me, could you please let me know if he has a kinky and available bother?

Thank you.

 

[BiBunny]

BDSM is very sexual for me, but on the other hand, I have a handful of play partners, and I don't have sex with any of them. Is our play still sexual? Yes. However, anything beyond oral sex and toys just doesn't happen. None of us really have a problem with it. There's far fewer worries about disease and pregnancy that way, and while I can pretty much give a random blowjob with no strings attached, I prefer that I be more deeply involved with a person for it to go any farther than that. What can I say? I'm strange. The only people I have sex with are the ones I care about. It works for me.

 

[april2000]

......

 

[CutieMouse]

Makes me wonder if they'd say the same thing if my views had nothing to do with "religion".

I'd say the same thing if your views had nothing to do with religion. You can't really know if there is sexual compatability until you are with them. You might be able to get a good idea, you might feel 95% sure, but you don't really *know* until you've gone through the daily ins and outs of a relationship, and all the strange crap that can come up with regards to sexual compatability.

 

[april2000]

......

 

[Ice2000]

I'd say the same thing if your views had nothing to do with religion. You can't really know if there is sexual compatability until you are with them. You might be able to get a good idea, you might feel 95% sure, but you don't really *know* until you've gone through the daily ins and outs of a relationship, and all the strange crap that can come up with regards to sexual compatability.

What Cutie said doubled.

Anyone that says there is no bad sex really hasn't ever had any of the real quality stuff. Finding someone that is good in the bedroom and someone you like as a person is even more difficult.

playing Russian roulette with sex partners in hopes you get a good one on the first shot, then what do you do if married? live miserably for 50 year?

 

[CutieMouse]

<shrugs> I guess I can't understand why everyone thinks I need their advice on when to have sex. That sounds really bitchy, but I don't mean it to be. It's just that at the age of 26, I'm an adult and if I choose to make what others see as a mistake, that's my right. Making my own decisions has served me very well so far. And since I'm posting here, it should be fairly clear that I have a fairly good idea of what I want and don't want sexually.

And this really wasn't directed at you, just society in general. I just have a hard time expressing myself in writing.

Yup. The cool thing about being an adult is making our own decisions, enjoying the successful ones, and figuring out the consequences of the less than successful ones. LOL

I suspect people voice their opinions, because a lot of those speaking up know how odd sex can become as one matures, grows older, relationship stuff gets involved, daily life gets more complicated, etc, and those most often discussing this ideal are umm... young. (no offense meant) At 20 I thought giving oral was disgusting (but you PEE out of that thing!!!); at 30 I *adored* it. At 25 I thought non-monogomy was a sin; at 31 I was in a non-monogomous/poly relationship; at 35 I know I'll never want a poly relationship again. 3 years ago I'd have told you I was 100% straight-up-service-oriented-whatever-he-wants-but-no-pain-please submissive; now I feel a bit more like a 60/40 split, and can't *imagine* a relationship without lots of deliciously wicked hurty things. Once upon a time I didn't even know anal sex exsisted outside of gay relationships; now it's something to look forwad to should I ever be in a relationship again. People evolve...

BTW- my perspective on the issue of sexual compatability comes from the perspective of someone who waited until a few weeks before her marriage to have sex (because sex was for married people- boy doggie did I feel guilty... sigh), has had 2 other Lovers since then (both dear dear Friends whom I'd known for about 7 years at that point, was intimate with for only a few weeks, and yes we still Love each other a lot), bowed out of the casual dating scene after discovering it isn't necessarily compatable with my views of intimacy, and has remained celibate for almost 3 years because I won't be intimate/engaged in BDSM activities outside of a committed relationship.

One might say I'm on the "same side" as those who hold onto that "waiting until marriage" ideal; I'm just a bit older, a teensy bit traveled down that path, non-religious, and no longer believe in marriage... which are a few of the reasons I feel (ideally- for monogomous people, anyway) sex is best as a committed relationship thing, but that does not necessarily mean waiting for marriage is the wisest option.

 

[SweetErika]

Sexual compatibility for me isn't just the sex itself or likes/dislikes, it's patterns and habits, which take time and experience to figure out.

I can have a lot in common with someone, but until we've been together for a good amount of time, I don't really know what their preferences, needs and skills are. When the "honeymoon" phase of the relationship ends, we may very well find we want vastly different amounts of sex, or an unwillingness/inability to resolve issues in the bedroom, for example. While we can talk about how we think it'll be, or what we believe we need and want, there's no way to figure out how it will be until we experience it.

My husband and I were years past the honeymoon phase and had dealt with a lot of sexual issues by the time we got married, so we had a very accurate picture of what our sex life would be like after the wedding. We're not a perfect match sexually, but knowing that, and the fact that we had the desire and skills to find compromise in this area, allowed us to make an informed decision on spending our lives together. The same goes for living together before marriage.

So, for us, having the time and experience to truly learn about each other beforehand was invaluable and gave us the opportunity to make the right decision, instead of getting married and hoping for the best.


Scarlet, I just saw your personal ad, and think you'll have an easier time finding what you seek as a Dominant. Perhaps you can find someone who loves denial/chastity, but really enjoys service and/or some of your other interests. I can see how no sex could work well into a FemDom relationship with the right people. There are a good number of "do me" male subs out there, but they reveal themselves pretty quickly, in my experience.

Also, if you let us know at least what country or state you're in, we may be able to give you some better suggestions on transitioning to real life when you're ready to do so.

 

[april2000]

......

 

[FurryFury]

What I said had nothing to do with religion though that is often the reason people say they will not have sex until they get married.

You have the right to do or not do whatever you want regardless of it the reason for it has to do with religion or not.

You have the right to make your own mistakes.

However when you open yourself up on a forum like this, you will hear advice that you may not like. For a lot of us it comes from having approached things the same way you are and having had it go (in my case, catastrophically,) wrong for us.

As I said, good luck to you in your journey.

Fury

 

[Velvet Bubbles]

... For a lot of us it comes from having approached things the same way you are and having had it go (in my case, catastrophically,) wrong for us. ...

<raises hand> Count me in on the "catastrophically wrong" group. Oh boy, do I have a story for that one! Not saying it's going to happen to everyone. But, I sure would suggest caution no matter what you're doing.
I also did the waiting until I was married thing. It might have worked if I'd found a better guy. But I didn't. And wish I'd known that before hand.
I wish you the best of luck. Take your time. It's worth it.

 

[april2000]

.......

 

[CutieMouse]

Just because it went bad for one person (or many) doesn't mean it'll go bad for everyone. It doesn't mean I'm making a mistake. You're entitled to your opinion obviously, but without knowing everything about me, it seems odd that anyone would be able to say that my potential marriage would fail.

As for why I bring it up here - where else would someone get support on kinky thoughts and interests? Church? Doesn't work that way.

Done arguing.

Honestly April, I don't see where anyone has told you that your choice is a mistake. People have said that they did things that way and it was a mistake for them. People are offering an oposing view based on their experience.

I have not seen anyone in this thread say your marriage will fail if you abstain from sex until after vows are exchanged. I have seen people say thier marriages failed, and part of their regret over that fact is that they waited until after marriage to have sex.

There are risks to all our decisions in life. A risk of being sexually active outside of a monogomous relationship is emotional heartache and STDs. A risk of waiting until after being legally, morally and religiously bound to another, is a potential for sexual incompatability. I see nothing offensive about pointing out either fact.

I now know you are easily offended by views that do not agree with the choices you have made, and shall refrain from adding my opinion in the future.

 

[Ice2000]

There is a lot more to life than sex... OMG did I really say that?

but seriously there are. You have to make your own decisions and do what is important to you.


Ditto cutties post again..

point being if sex is important to you.. its doubtful you will find what you want the first time out of the gate. If sex is really important then don't fool yourself with some romantic notion.

But it is your life.. do what makes you happy..

 

[A Desert Rose]

Honestly April, I don't see where anyone has told you that your choice is a mistake. People have said that they did things that way and it was a mistake for them. People are offering an oposing view based on their experience.

I have not seen anyone in this thread say your marriage will fail if you abstain from sex until after vows are exchanged. I have seen people say thier marriages failed, and part of their regret over that fact is that they waited until after marriage to have sex.

There are risks to all our decisions in life. A risk of being sexually active outside of a monogomous relationship is emotional heartache and STDs. A risk of waiting until after being legally, morally and religiously bound to another, is a potential for sexual incompatability. I see nothing offensive about pointing out either fact.

I now know you are easily offended by views that do not agree with the choices you have made, and shall refrain from adding my opinion in the future.

Bang the Gong... wrong answer.

We only post here to have our opinions validated... Not discussed.

Boy Howdy... don't you folks know anything???



LOL

 

[april2000]

Bang the Gong... wrong answer.

We only post here to have our opinions validated... Not discussed.

Boy Howdy... don't you folks know anything???
LOL

Sigh....if you'd had others constatly bash your D/s tendencies AND "religious" views bashed over and over, you might think differently. I've never actually had either of those opinions validated by anyone, so excuse me if I'd like that for once in my life.

Bowing out now. Maybe one day I'll actually find like-minded people.