Is it true?

[xnamed]

Hello all!

I've been reading the stories in this site for a long time now. I think it's the best story site in the internet. I also think the poetry section is amazing, we have some great writers here I decided to join the forum now, to see if i can get more open-minded about the sex subject.

I'm 23, still a virgin and the situation doesn't look likely to improve. I'm truly your average looking guy, not ugly but also not the next Tom Cruise or so I study in the local university, i have the normal hobbies for my age (cinema, talking, reading, friends, music, computers.....so on) and i'm the funny but always there to listen and help, friend in the group.

So it seems everything is normal with me, except that........i never had a girlfriend. In the age where you should start having them (14-18) i had to dedicate myself to try and conciliate studies and a (now dead) sports career. That turned me into a really close guy in what concerns dating and expressing my feelings. I also feel very awkward when trying to talk about sex. I just can't say "i like you" even if i think the feeling is mutual. I can't stop thinking that i don't know what do next, since i never been with a girl or on a real date. And it's hard to explain my situation to a girl, i'm always afraid of being ridiculized.

Sex is really a taboo subject to me, that's why i'm "hiding" behind the internet to talk about all this. Of couse i have my fantasies and i use the internet to find them but i don't want to become a "cybergeek" that lives only with his internet porn. Maybe it's a bit stupid to say it but it's really hard not having someone by your side since ever! Friends are great but comes a time when you need someone with who you can share you life, specially when you're in uni and you see lots of couples making plans for the future and helping each other through problems and you're alone.

Ok...after this "pathetic" and long intro, i need an opinion. I always got the "you're an amazing person but our friendship is too strong to be put in danger by a failed relantionship" answer, in the few times i tried to give hints that i liked the girl. A friend of mine told me this happened because i'm too polite and kind to girls, due to the education my parents gave me. He told me that all girls like to be seduced and to be a little naughty and that too much listening and education only leads to friendship and never more! I wanted to know if this is really true. Should i try and be more "bold"? If it is............things just got worse because i can't really imagine myself doing "naughty" flirting like he advised!

Well, sorry for the long post, thanks for reading it and i hope to be around more and make some friends. Sorry about the english mistakes also. Cya

 

[pandoravampire]

"i cant imagine myself being naughty or flirty" the consequence of thinking with that delightfully educated cognitive style is - celibacy.

But it would seem that you do not wish to be celibate any longer. What is it that makes you think that others are taking the risks of being more forward and doing so without fear, lack of confidence and every other social stumbling block?

We all think and feel that it would be 'not in our character' to behave in this way or that way. But the bottom line is, you wont gain anything unless you risk. If it doesnt work out, your no worse off, it it does, then you journey into a adult begins.

Ive had moments that have been supreme, where ive risked and reaped the rewards, then there have been others where ive lost. Its important if things do not go as you would of liked, to review the event objectively. Learn from your mistakes and successes of the event as it wont all be mistakes! and move on to the next risk taking your new knowledge with you.

Good luck

 

[SweetErika]

Welcome, Xnamed, and I'm sure you'll be a great addition to the community!

I'm going to be completely honest. I have said, "you're an amazing person but our friendship is too strong to be put in danger by a failed relantionship" for two reasons. The first is because I really believe it..I don't want to risk screwing up our friendship. The second is because I'm not attracted to the person for whatever reason (I'm not talking just physical here).

Your friend was on the right track, though it seems the only thing you're lacking is a little bit of confidence. Start believing you're a wonderful boyfriend as well as friend, and you'll have it made, ok?

Do women go for guys with flawless manners, kind hearts, a sense of humor, intelligence, and an understanding about what it means to be a true friend? Ask my husband, but I'll tell you those were the qualities that made me want to spend my life with him. I'm not alone either.

 

[xnamed]

Thanks both of you for your words I know they are trully great advices and i'm hoping to "improve" myself and gain that confidence that i'm missing. Maybe in a few days i'll even start using "normal" words instead of naughty Thanks for the welcoming

 

[Cathleen]

Welcome to Lit xnamed. Give yourself a break here please. It takes time to learn new things, no matter what it is you are learning.

You are taking your path, no one elses. We all have our own way of growing; sometimes we have to wait for the interest to grow before we attempt the learning. It seems you are now moving into a new area of study.

I don't mean to make it sound like school ~ but life is about learning, in my opinion. Take all the time you need or want to learn things. I have learned incredible amounts here ~ had I tried before, maybe it would have been a totally different experience.

Don't force things, get comfortable, if you have to pull back a bit before stepping further then do that. I do it all the time. I feel comfortable when I reassess information or behaviors.

Also, please there is one thing I will say for sure......... your friends do not speak for EVERY woman. Every PERSON is different in this world. Don't let them tell you what every woman wants ~ they don't know what I want do they? I don't know them...... so find things out for yourself.

When you are interested you will find ways to engage and I bet you will really be comfortable and flourish, when you find YOUR way of doing things.

Glad you are here ~ enjoy !

Cate



edit: I am with SweetErika, honest, intelligent, humorous,sweet, caring men are the ones that I want to talk with, there are all kinds of people and you can chose who you would like to be and be with....... it will come with some confidence and time.

 

[vargas111]

Dear Xnamed,

Althought you have been hoping to rid yourself of your virginity since you were 13, don’t despair, there are more involuntary 23 year old virgins than you imagine. Time is on your side. Every year, more of your cohort of males kill themselves in stupid stunts trying to attract the attention of women. And every year more women you age give up waiting for Brad Pitt and decide to settle for an ordinary mortal.

This does not mean that you do not have to go out on the limb and ask women out and, yes, risk rejection.

There are other things you can do to improve your chances of getting rid of the accursed virginity, however. Keep up your appearance. Dress as well as your finances allow.

Do not aim exclusively for the most obviously pretty women. Not only because appearance is just one factor, but also because almost any woman can become attractive when she has the incentive: you. Look at that mousy little one over there in the corner. Now imagine her with properly applied makeup, a short skirt, stockings, heels, deep vee-neck top, a hair style. Pretty hot, huh?

Don’t overlook older women. May will be flattered that a younger man is taking an interest. Many will have had their fill of flashy charmers, players, ladies men, and be willing to give a nice guy (the kind they all claim to be looking for) a try. Also some say women are at their sexual peak in their mid thirties, so they may actually be hornier that the 18 year old school girl you have your eye on.

To find a woman you will have to meet them; the more you meet, the better your chances. Frequent babe-friendly places. Art galleries are a good place, but you have to know enough about what you are looking at to take advantage of any meeting that happens. If you need to take an art appreciation course, it can come in handy at the museum and it’s a good place to meet women.

Ditto dance classes. Dancing is an ability that women value very highly and the classes themselves will be packed with women preparing themselves for the slim chance of finding a guy who can dance. If you already know, take them anyway; the women in the class will be impressed with how rapidly you are learning.

Church, preferably some group that does not teach avoiding sex before marriage, is another place to find a preponderance of women.

Get interested in women’s sports. The players are beautiful to watch and there will be far more women fans than men. Aerobics classes are another good place.

Read "Chick Lit." Now no woman will actually admit to reading the stuff, except in an ironic sense, but they do. No, you will not find any secrets of attracting women there, but it is something to talk about -- jokingly. And at the least, it’s comforting to read about women frustrated by not having a guy as you are about not having a woman.

Let your married friends know you are looking. Whether they want to share the joy or the misery, most married couples love to try to play matchmaker. And finding the “extra man” comes up pretty often.

I hope this helps.

 

[xnamed]

I'm really glad i decided to sign in and post this topic. I would never be able to talk about this in real life and i wouldn't get such great advices. Thanks for your kind words Cathleen.

I'm glad that no one thinks like my friend that i should change because i wouldn't really be able to do it I also think it's a question of confidence and losing my.......hmmmmm.........social shame (i think it's the best word) in approaching girls. I think my main problem is that i'm as much afraid of hearing a "yes" as a "no"

Anyway, thanks for the opinions and strength, i honestly appreciate it.

Edit: Thanks for the advices Vargas111 but i'm really not on the "prow"l to be going to churches and women’s sports and so on, just to look for women. I confess that lately i've been thinking more about "my situation" but i don't think i ever could do that. I'm not that shy, always in the corner guy, i'm able to start and maintain a conversation with a girl but like it was said, i just lack the confidence to take it to the "next level". But thanks for expressing your opinion

 

[SweetErika]

I'm really glad i decided to sign in and post this topic. I would never be able to talk about this in real life and i wouldn't get such great advices. Thanks for your kind words Cathleen.

I'm glad that no one thinks like my friend that i should change because i wouldn't really be able to do it I also think it's a question of confidence and losing my.......hmmmmm.........social shame (i think it's the best word) in approaching girls. I think my main problem is that i'm as much afraid of hearing a "yes" as a "no"

Anyway, thanks for the opinions and strength, i honestly appreciate it.

Sometimes the "yes" is just as difficult! Perhaps looking at yes as an opportunity to practice and learn will help dispell your fear...that always helps me at least. Just think, "I can't make a mistake as long as I learn something" and go for it! Many women think a little awkwardness is sweet and endearing, so you have nothing to worry about. Have fun!

 

[dollface007]

Don't ever give up those gentlemanly qualities! So few men have them...which means you are a gem just waiting to be found. However, you have to kind of help the ladies find you by putting yourself out there. I don't think anybody is suggesting that you start going to church just to scam on chicks. The message is that you should get involved in activities that you truly enjoy...make yourself visible....let your friends know that you are looking to date.

Regarding the "naughty" stuff: You're going to have to get over it somehow. Perhaps you should embrace more experienced (and yes, possibly older) women that would be willing to take charge and teach you a few things. Like i said, don't ever stop being polite or nice; however, there comes a point when women want to be wanted...sexually. They want to know that you want them, and it's not demeaning or objectifying to let them know.

I also didn't date in high school. Yes, i had friends, I had dates to this and that senior banquet, but normally I was too busy studying my way out of my working class neighborhood, going to my after-school job, and taking care of my sick mom. You can look at your situation as being a late-bloomer, but i prefer to look at it as being mature beyond your years in a lot of ways. You have your eye on the big picture, and that's a rare quality for a guy your age, let alone a teenager.

Well, I've written more than expected! Good luck

 

[Zergplex]

Zergplex Says

Xnamed you remind me of myself in alot of ways. Don't be discouraged, and keep your eyes open and you will find the right person. It took me until I turned 19 to find my first love and now 2 1/2 years later we are still together and loving it. Try and make female friends, not to date but just to be around and enjoy. If you find each other attracted to each other so much the better, and if you don't you just gained a good friend, it's a win win situation. Thats how I met my darling.

-Zergplex

 

[Ezzy]

The crazy thing I have to tell you is, that as soon as you stop looking, the invites will come from every side.

Unless the women are enablers in search of an enablee, you will not get any interest as long as you are seaking it, or needing it. There is something in the scent that we put off that turns most women off

Conversely when you stop looking, you become more attrractive, as you have a certain confidenence and put out a different vibe. For some reason as soon as I gave up looking I got more offers than I knew what to do with.

Something to do with the desperation scent.

 

[hewolf]

The crazy thing I have to tell you is, that as soon as you stop looking, the invites will come from every side.

Unless the women are enablers in search of an enablee, you will not get any interest as long as you are seaking it, or needing it. There is something in the scent that we put off that turns most women off

Conversely when you stop looking, you become more attrractive, as you have a certain confidenence and put out a different vibe. For some reason as soon as I gave up looking I got more offers than I knew what to do with.

Something to do with the desperation
scent.

That is very true. Desperation is not attractive at all to opposite sex. Confidence is.

But to acquire confidence it is not enough just to stop looking.

 

[HoldenMcCrank]

ok so here is my 2 cents

Go forth and be BOLD. But not like your friend suggested. You must get out and be seen. You mentioned a sports career. Get involved with coed intermural sports. Get involved with some club at your school. Talk to women, interact with women and compliment women. This is what I mean when I say go forth and be BOLD.

For instance if you see a lady that is looking very attractive or has a nice outfit on. Complinent her. Or if you are in class and someone ask a good questions, tell her after class that you thought that her question was a good one. Start doing this and see what happens. You may find yourself being invited to social gatherings or study session and so forth.

When you find yourself in the possision of liking someone and you think that they like you. Be forthright and honest with themby stating the fact that up until know you have put your studies first and you are not a suave and smooth experience dater. I doubt that this will come as a suprize to any of the women that you will date.

Here is an analogy for you:

I have this friend that is always "finding" great deals on used cars. So one day I asked him, "How is it that you are always coming upon these great deals?" I was suprized by his reply. He said, "For every car I buy (great deal) I may look at 50 to 75 cars. He is out there actively persueing the great deals. You are not going to find what you are looking for unless you get out there and interact with the females around you.

Go interact and Have Fun, everything will work out fine.

Holden

 

[vargas111]

Holden,

Yours is the perfect compliment to my suggestions. He needs to get into places with lots of women as I suggested and then act as you suggested.

 

[BonoVox99]

Dude, you just described my exact life. I'm even the same age!!!!!!!


Fuck that is weird!

 

[xnamed]

So many replies Thank you all! I'm starting to feel more confident just by knowing that there are lots of people that understand what i meant and that are giving me support!

I also want to apologize to Vargas111 because i read wrong your suggestion, sorry. I now understand what you meant.

Well, anyway..........a big THANK YOU for your opinions!

 

[hook848]

Thank you for posting xnamed!

With a few exceptions (I'm not a virgin) I have related to women in the manner you described all my life. I've struggled taking relationships to the next level and blamed it on my shyness...having too much respect....or risking the friendship. Always the nice guy.

Reading the great advice given has been beneficial to me in many ways. The one concept that really stood out was what dollface007 posted.

Like i said, don't ever stop being polite or nice; however, there comes a point when women want to be wanted...sexually. They want to know that you want them, and it's not demeaning or objectifying to let them know.

There have been so many relationships where I never let the woman know. I don't know if its ever too late but it does get harder as the relationship falls into the "friends" category.

Again, thanks for posting and good luck!

PS: I wish I had found Lit as a younger man. You can leave here a better lover.

 

[Ezzy]

That is very true. Desperation is not attractive at all to opposite sex. Confidence is.

But to acquire confidence it is not enough just to stop looking.

I was not trying to make it sound like the "one true path," but I was trying with a short post, to add a view that had not been covered in other posts!

Yes it is all confidence issues for the most part, now in 5 lines or less, please offer or show how to build confidence.

Lazy as I am, yup! But to just have the desperation removed would be a big start.

Here are 5 links to confidence building websites.

1st link

2nd

3rd

4th

5th

So once you are over the self-confidence issues, and are in the right frame of mind for a relationship. Don't allow the confidence to wash away as you try and fail continuously, because of desperation... Please feel free to go back to the issue of not worrying about it, not as in being resigned to getting none, but that little more secure in your "self confidence", be open to the signals that more would be available to you if only you asked occasionally, then start to ask occasionally.

P.s. I am not affiliated in any way, shape or form with any of the sites offered above, they came from a google search for "confidence building". You too can do this!

 

[hewolf]

confidence

Well, there are a few things that will help develop confidence and will make you naturally attractive:

1 . Build real value in your life. That is, build your life based on good physical, mental and financial health. Have a job that you love and that pays well, but do not be a workaholic. Do not be tight with money, but do not go into debt either. Eat healthy and exercise, stay fit. Become a good conversationalist. Have interesting friends. In other words, become a quality man - it will make you a lot more attractive to women (right, ladies?)

2. Do not expect women to " find" you and lead you into relationship/sex. That will happen if you wait long enough, but it will be what I call a "default relationship", not a relationship of your choice. Be proactive, not reactive.
When you meet a woman that arouses your interest, lead her unambigiously into sex/relationship - most women like leaders. Lead, do not just make hints. Of course, if she is not attracted to you she will not follow. When that happens, neither waste your time with her, nor take it personally. Just move on.

3. When your friend told you you are "too nice", he really meant you come across as too wussy and irresolute with women. Be a gentleman, but cut the wussy-nice stuff - it is not attractive.

That is what I think.

Constructive comments welcome.

HW