Is it the Search or the Destination

[Shadowsdream]

The online searches on both sides of the whip often fall short of the build up when real time meetings become a distinct possibility.
Even when that barrier is over come it would appear that many *relationships* lose the magic once reality of face to face contact has been established.
I have many friends on both sides of the whip that could write a book on the difference between the Search and the Destination.

Now the conversation is....is the Search more exciting than the Destination?

What makes online contact more fullfilling?

 

[A Desert Rose]

Finally meeting him and then finding that he was everything and more than I expected, was the worst thing that could have happened to me. Having not met him at all, would have been far better.

I have friends who will say I'm a fool and if they read this they will be shaking their heads and wishing to slap me a long side the head....

But it's true and for me right now, he is irreplaceable. I will miss him for a long, long time, I'm afraid. Had we not met, I would never know the sadness I feel or what is missing in my life.

 

[Georgia Girl]

In my opinion:

Online contact offers many things but the first is the ability for someone to see who you are from the inside out. If you are using a personal ad as a starting point you have already determined that this person interests you now its a matter of showing how beautiful your mind, your soul and heart can be.

Once you get to meeting someone, regardless of pictures and descriptions, when you walk into the same space as the other person there is the moment of first impressions. Conciously I would hope we don't judge others but we do make comparrisons to what we thought they would walk like, smile like, etc.

There is a level of fear there and it makes many want to run away. Online contact is safe to the soul because if you don't have to look at the other person in the eyes its easier to be yourself without discomfort.

The search was very exciting for me, but we are both very analytical people so the volume of questions is astounding to look back on now. Having arrived at the destination the questions continue, its just who we are. Our online contact is still thrilling because I adore all opportunities to explore his mind, the way he thinks and how he feels about things.

 

[Desdemona]

The following are my opinions. As Eb used to say, YMMV.

I didn't find online relationships to be more fulfilling. I've said it before, online is all smoke and mirrors much of the time. It's easy to give the appearance of submission or domination from a distance. It's easy to give the appearance of meeting someone's needs or requirements.

Face to face contact eventually forces the truth to come out. That prospect can be frightening if you haven't been completely forthcoming. Hell, it's scary if you have been honest because you can't be totally assured that the other partner has been truthful. When you are face to face, it's hard to hide body language, tone of voice etc. The blemishes become apparent.

Additionally, real life presents all sorts of mundane relationship challenges. Children need care, one of you has to work late alot or you have to work opposing shifts for a while, one of you becomes ill or injured, and there are chores around the house etc. All those things cut into the time you might normally spend on each other. Those things don't seem to matter as much online. It's easy to build up romantic notions of how wonderful it would all be if you could just be together. Then, when it happens and some annoying real life issue intrudes, it can be disappointing.

Ok, having said all that, it begins to sound like online is the way to go. That isn't my point. Reality has many more wonderful things to offer that you can't get online. But, IMO, sometimes people in online relationships aren't prepared to cope with the day to day stuff and that may cause the relationship to crumble.


BTW, ADR, you know I'm not shaking my head. You're in pain right now but I have faith that you will heal from this break up.

 

[A Desert Rose]

Re: The following are my opinions. As Eb used to say, YMMV.

BTW, ADR, you know I'm not shaking my head. You're in pain right now but I have faith that you will heal from this break up.

I love you.

 

[Georgia Girl]

I would never say that online relationships are more fulfilling, they aren't to me. The face to face time, watching him interact with my child, the feel of his hands .... that is the fulfilling part.

But to get there we went through the online part first.


ADR ......... I firmly believe that each of the people who cross the pathway of our life do so for a reason. That reason may never be evident to us but they leave something behind and an opportunity to grow. I know thats all just pretty words when your soul hurts but hopefully, maybe they can offer a measure of peace.

 

[MissTaken]

Finally meeting him and then finding that he was everything and more than I expected, was the worst thing that could have happened to me. Having not met him at all, would have been far better.

I have friends who will say I'm a fool and if they read this they will be shaking their heads and wishing to slap me a long side the head....

But it's true and for me right now, he is irreplaceable. I will miss him for a long, long time, I'm afraid. Had we not met, I would never know the sadness I feel or what is missing in my life.

Many thoughts and hugs for you, ADR.

You are a special lady and I hope that you find peace and eventually happiness.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Think I probably have to give this more thought before formulating a complete response, but initially I would say the biggest turn on about online is the anticipation factor. No matter how hard you discipline yourself to keep focused and feet firmly planted on the floor under the desk, the temptation lurks constantly to fly with the fantasies of what might be, what if's, and could this be. There is also that fun thing of lookig forward all day to when you log in and see their name on your screen, the not having to get dressed up, look your best, and go out into the dark night and make small talk with people you may not care to.
Is a very attractive package to which the addition of a virile Dominant giving you their undivided attention, you returning it, and the sharing of like minded interests, goals, ideas and dreams makes a seductive mixture.

Fortunately I always pulled myself back enough to see the reality.
I usually saw flaws in the likelihood of success with the ones I talked to in my search. With each one I was not disappointed, or should I say I was because the areas I had questioned myself over proved to be real problems and I had to begin looking further. Was always a let down, though I met some great men and have remained friends with them, they just weren't for me.

Master was the first I could find nothing whatsoever to be concerned about except my reservations he was younger than me and had never been married and done the family thing....had visions he would find his biologivcal clock ticking and want babes at some point....but he convinced me that was the last thing he ever wanted!! LOL. If anything was a let down in the reality versus online, for us it was that all that anticipation was over and the everyday routine took it's place....but we had a future to replace the anticipatory excitement with and have found that is magical in its respective way.

Catalina

 

[MissTaken]

Now the conversation is....is the Search more exciting than the Destination?

What makes online contact more fullfilling?

I do think that for some, the search if more exciting than finding the golden ring. As such, these people cause an inordinate amount of pain for those who want the Magic, the real time, long term, relationship built upon friendship, love and molded by D/s.

Having spent the better part of two years searching, I would have to say that the search was not enjoyable. I went through periods of frustration wherein I doubted finding the right match for me and would consider leaving BDSM to the side, stop dating at all or date just for physical comfort even though my "date" was not going to ever be more than friends.

Being on line is not and has not been more fulfilling for me in any respect. It has brought me hurt and frustration early on in my search. It wasn't too long before I began confining that search to people for whom there was the feasibility of being together and sharing the same space, breathing the same air.

However, as I have posted previously and will do so again, I view the internet as a wonderful tool to make the world smaller, assist people to meet who may otherwise have never met and to facilitate communication when there is no other way to be together. It is not how or where I can develop or nurture a relationship. I need real time contact and need to see the sparkle in his eyes when we are joking, the deep blue fluid look that overcomes him when he is feeling emotions so intense as to be unidentifiable and to feel his arms around me when we embrace.

And soon, within the next six months, we will be sharing our time, space, air, the hugs, struggles and happiness together, 24/7. Yes, I have found my magic and it wasn't on line. We met on line and met in person within a week. That is where it began and we both hope that there is no end.

As for others who do engage in on line D/s or find the search more enjoyable, I have no judgment. It is simply that these are not people who could bring me what I need.

 

[A Desert Rose]

ADR ......... I firmly believe that each of the people who cross the pathway of our life do so for a reason. That reason may never be evident to us but they leave something behind and an opportunity to grow. I know thats all just pretty words when your soul hurts but hopefully, maybe they can offer a measure of peace.

Thank you. I know that is true and in fact, I already see what he left behind that was good. I guess that's what makes it doubly hard right now.

Many thoughts and hugs for you, ADR.

You are a special lady and I hope that you find peace and eventually happiness.

Thank you. You mean a great deal to me, too.

I can't remember ever hurting like this before.

 

[Desdemona]

Re: Re: The following are my opinions. As Eb used to say, YMMV.

I love you.

Lets talk it out babe. Go to messenger.

 

[hurtme]

I have to say, I have occasionally found tlaking online a nice distraction from the everyday mess i deal with. I don't consider it putting a front on or anythign, since I am who I am and blah blah blah...but it gives me a chance to understnad myself better because i am not so worried about the physical as I am about my thoguhts and ideas and the thoughts and ideas of others. I have met people before off the computer...and it has never gone well, not once, even when sex wasn't involved, because try as I might, I do make assumptions based on that perosna personality as i know it...and I never fail to be dissapointed...not because of them always, exactly...but none the less

 

[WriterDom]

But it's true and for me right now, he is irreplaceable. I will miss him for a long, long time, I'm afraid. Had we not met, I would never know the sadness I feel or what is missing in my life.

The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain. Gibran

Hang in there. You will know joy again.

 

[PinkOrchid]

 

[catalina_francisco]

I have been looking online for about a year now. It has been off and on since I have found it so frustrating.

At first, maybe the first month or two, the search was very exciting. But soon after it became frustrating and tiresome. I've had to take frequent breaks to recompose myself. Cyber relationships, while fulfilling in one way and initially, only serve to frustrate me more in the long term. I'm not looking for masturbatory fodder; I'm looking for a flesh-and-blood partner.

Catalina mentioned the anticipation, but at this point I no longer have any of the "good" anticipatory feelings when meeting someone new. I guess the novelty, hope and excitement have been replaced by cynicism and jadedness.

I still think it's the best way to go to meet the greatest number of like-minded people. But it's definitely not necessarily the easiest.

I can identify with what you say. I found everytime I met someone who proved not to be who I was looking for, or even when I found online a previously 'looking hopeful' person turned out to be not right for me, I would often go through a bit of a drop and in time began to find cynicism tempting to fall into. I made the decision early on to not give time to those who seemed to be there for cybersex, in fact Master and I did not even go there. We spent the time getting to know all we could about each other and though sexual issues were naturally discussed, and appreciation of those aspects expressed, it was not the masturbatory type appreciation. I think that goes a long way to remaining focused on the reality you are headed for, and weeding out those who profess to be serious but are really after a cheap online thrill to relieve their boredom.

As for the cynicism, I found it beneficial to remember what my final goal was, and the reality it was not going to be easy to find. I joined this with a lot of positive affirmations, self talk, determination, knowing exactly what I needed, and reading of others who were happy. I think the overall aspect which kept me going was the belief that to make your dreams a reality, first you have to believe they are possible to make a reality, and you deserve it. Another key was not geographically limiting myself. I figured it would be nice to find him local, but not a guarantee, so I opened myself to the world. It made for an insightful journey, fun in many ways, and a great learning curve to draw on so many different perspectives from men in various differing realities and cultures.

You are right, it is not easy, but also not impossible. Believing is one of the main requirements, and the strength to maintain your direction despite the pressures. Good luck in your continued search.

Catalina

 

[PinkOrchid]

 

[A Desert Rose]

The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain. Gibran

Hang in there. You will know joy again.

Thank you for this. It reminds me of a line in a song... "there's more room in a broken heart."

 

[MissTaken]

For Pink Orchid and others who are disillusioned with the search,
sometimes what we crave finds us when we stop looking.

It was during a hiatus from my "search" that I found scooter.



It is easy to get so caught up in the search on line that it becomes tiresome and more of a chore. Keeping perspective and taking a break from time to time is helpful to rejuvenate your energy and positive feelings.

 

[Desdemona]

For Pink Orchid and others who are disillusioned with the search,
sometimes what we crave finds us when we stop looking.

It was during a hiatus from my "search" that I found scooter.



It is easy to get so caught up in the search on line that it becomes tiresome and more of a chore. Keeping perspective and taking a break from time to time is helpful to rejuvenate your energy and positive feelings.

Precisely. Snooze found me when I wasn't frantically looking around. The search can be fun, but the destination is infinitely better.

 

[dragonlace]

I was found when i wasn't looking and it has been the greatest thing in my life......we met online here at lit and began to talk. It progressed from there and having met Him has made it more fulfilling but it has also made it much harder as i miss Him and long for Him, knowing now what i long for. It would have been much easier on me to not have met Him but i would have been missing so much. The moment when one knows its right and feels it throughout there being is priceless. If we would never have met it would not be the same; the bond we had before meeting was made stronger in real life. Just meeting Him and knowing that He is all i thought and more makes my heart swell. I love Him more than i ever could have before meeting and just hope for a long happy life together when i finally get to move down there. Its that hope that keeps me going when i feel as though i will break from the pain of missing Him.

 

[PinkOrchid]

 

[Shadowsdream]

I am honored that so many of you have joined into this important conversation...

This is why I chose this topic of discussion..

I have been mentoring 4 Dominants throughout the last year or so. During this time I have watched each of them meet dozens of submissives both online and in the real world. The submissives crave all of Their attention online and on the phone but as soon as a meeting is excitedly arranged...the mother DIES! or the dog is HIT by a car! etc....

These contacts between the submissives and the Dominants have often been enjoyed on both sides of the whip for many months and a real emotional connection appeared to be taking place. Some have even travelled thousands of miles for the meetings and claimed that they had found their magic. Yet it became evident that the submissives were also maintaining contact with other Dominants also making serious claims of Them being their magic.

These BDSM "relationships" I speak of do not only emcompass those that meet online...BUT I have come to the conclusion that for many it is the CHASE...the "can i" and "how many" Dominants can i catch" syndrome that draws many to the search.

This is not just a submissive trait...O no! I see it happening with certain Dominants as well. Collecting numbers and trying them out already knowing that it is a temporary diversion. An ego booster. Promises made that can never be kept. Generally but not always the Dominant is more open about how many are on Their leashes at one time. For some Dominants several submissives leashed together can be done with ease, respect and the honest knowledge that they have the common sense and loving skills to make the journey magic for all. For others it is simply a " how many can I get", " aren't I powerful?" mind set that will destroy the submissives who give their hearts and trust.
Once again, this time the Dominant, is more turned on by the SEARCH than the destination.

~~grumble~~

It saddens Me a little to see so many Dominants and submissives withdrawing from actively craving their magic! I have been watching both Dominants and submissives begin to turn their backs on BDSM in disappointment and falling back into the vanilla world where they already know the rules.

 

[MissTaken]

It saddens Me a little to see so many Dominants and submissives withdrawing from actively craving their magic! I have been watching both Dominants and submissives begin to turn their backs on BDSM in disappointment and falling back into the vanilla world where they already know the rules.

It is likely, I think, that the Doms and submissives that you are referring to in your post are the same who have caused our friends, and at times, myself to want to give up.

I have seen relationships in real life and relationships on line crumble as a result of Dominants and submissives playing this game. Perhaps it isn't a game to them, but they spread themselves too thin and cannot devote the energy they should to the one they are supposedly with.

 

[Shadowsdream]

It is likely, I think, that the Doms and submissives that you are referring to in your post are the same who have caused our friends, and at times, myself to want to give up.

I have seen relationships in real life and relationships on line crumble as a result of Dominants and submissives playing this game. Perhaps it isn't a game to them, but they spread themselves too thin and cannot devote the energy they should to the one they are supposedly with.

I also am not convinced it is a game that they play as much as not really being in touch with what they want.
I have often seen fear raise its ugly head when the Dominants or submissives in question finally get what they have been thinking they crave.
I suppose the final insult would be when the ~~beast in question~~ blames the failure on the one who accepted them and their offer of reality.

This is a very common phenonmen unfortunately.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I also am not convinced it is a game that they play as much as not really being in touch with what they want.
I have often seen fear raise its ugly head when the Dominants or submissives in question finally get what they have been thinking they crave.
I suppose the final insult would be when the ~~beast in question~~ blames the failure on the one who accepted them and their offer of reality.

This is a very common phenonmen unfortunately.

Have to agree. I had one Dominant in particular who was totally lost in fantasy land. He travelled a long way to meet me to prove to me I was wrong, only to turn around and say I was the perfect slave he dreamed of but as he did not fall in love in the first 5 minutes (and he did mean 5 minutes) he could not consider it, and that it must be something I had done to block him feeling that love he searched for. Though he was upset to find it did not happen like in his dreamworld, he seemed to miss the point I had told him before he booked his flight to Oz I was not interested in someone lost in fantasyland, but had agreed to act as his tour guide as I had for many people over the years.

Interestingly, he popped up on my messenger recently and began listing my admirable and superior (his words) qualities as a slave. He is still looking for his fantasy and suggested he should come visit us as I was the best slave he had met to date!! Mmmmmm, well I am sure Master would jump at the chance to share me with someone so blatently lost, not! Maybe this guy thought he could play Dominant on Master's off days thus giving him a break from the burden of keeping me busy. LOL.

Catalina