Is it poly?

[swordsmanat40]

Hello all! New to the site and will be posting some works up later but I am hoping to tap into this vast pool of knowledge and people who may be like me to help me understand who I am better. In a very condensed nutshell, I sometimes find myself "clicking" with a woman, even though we are just friends or coworkers. Even though I am in a marriage with my best friend in the world who I truly wish to grow old with, I find myself wanting to try and find deeper connections with these other women. On top of that, I find that once I develop feelings for a woman, they do not lessen. Girls that I dated in high school or even just had very intense crushes on back in my teens, if I see them or talk to them it all comes back and feels as intense as ever, even if I have not seen them in 20 years and they are not the same person I developed feelings for. It is very painful because I find I cannot simply move on much as I might like to. Does anyone else feel this, and how do you deal with it outside of having open relationships and actually following your heart?

 

[jehoram]

Hello all! Does anyone else feel this, and how do you deal with it outside of having open relationships and actually following your heart?

I've been there, and a lot of other people have, too. The problem is that you're mistaking the person in front of you with the person you'd like her to be. It's only polyamory if she feels the same way about you and your wife, and you wife is in love with her, too. Otherwise, it seems to be a recipe for disappointment on everybody's part. It is certainly possible for a person to be in love with more than one person at a time, but unless there's a really extraordinary set of circumstances, that love for the third person is bound to be unrequited.

If the person you want to spend the rest of your life with isn't willing to include the third person into your lives (and she'll be included whether or not your wife is a willing partner of the third person), you'll have to just let it be, or redefine your relationship with your wife. It's all about consequences ... seeing them, recognizing them, and ultimately living with them.

 

[swordsmanat40]

Thank you, and that's what I have been doing. The problem I'd been running into was anything I was reading on it never talked about whether PA defined the relationship or the feeling that there was room in my heart for more than one person. I mean, when we say we love A person it does not depend on that person reciprocating, so I'm trying to find if there's something that describes when you feel love for more than one person and it does not diminish any of them seemingly? I don't know, and the people I've tried to talk to about it IRL either say "Get over them" or "Then you don't really love any of them" or "Sounds like you're trying to excuse sleeping around" which I'm not doing. Oh well, it probably is just one of the many facets of the human condition.
Any other input would be welcome though!

 

[Mick2150]

With Divorce rates as high as they are - 50% + - and that is just counting those who have gone through the divorce process & got their papers stamped & not counting unhappy marriages, cheating marriages & many other forms of unhappy & unfulfilled relationships .... it is becoming pretty clear to a number of people that the 'picket fence' 'till death do us part' monogamy is not for everyone. So some people, certainly not a majority at the moment, are questioning the social 'default' & many are discovering that some form of Polyamory is a viable option for their relationship. However it is NOT for everyone & it takes a lot of personal work.

People who are successful at living a poly lifestyle usually have similar traits. They tend to be very open minded, honest & very open in their communication, feel pretty strongly about equality, particularly between the sexes, so in other words are supportive of the feminist movement. They also tend to be much less religious than the population at large & if they are religious, possibly free thinking Unitarians.

Now if any of this seems to make sense to you - AND your partner! - then I suggest that you commit to spending a good deal of time reading up on the poly world, both here in N America as well as in other countries. There is an excellent web site - google 'Polyamory in the news' (or it may be 'media') & you will be able to go back almost 10 years & see how main stream media has started to pay attention & take Polyamory seriously; not just as a cover for 'more sex'. The 'more sex, show no emotion' concept is covered pretty well by swingers & their communities which far out number the poly crowd. Polys need emotional intimacy first, then if that is mutual, maybe sexual intimacy might follow providing all who may be impacted by that escalation are in complete agreement. If this is not the case, then it is not Polyamory. Most would say that it is some form of dishonesty, let's just call it cheating. Hope some of this is helpful.