Is it going to be me or your mom?

[darlingguy2]

I met my wife about 15 years ago when I was in my mid twenties. She was sweet and beautiful and I wanted nothing more than to share my life with her. My dream was to complete my college education and buy a home. After being married for 11 years and working a number of low paying jobs, I will be graduating soon with my masters degree in teaching and can start to find real work. We have lived in a run down home for the last 11 years. The house is owned by my father-in-law who is a first class slum lord. We have done so much work in this house just to make it livable. My wife’s parents never had to work for anything. My father in-law inherited about 10 acres of land with house in the suburbs if NYC and my mother in-law inherited a great deal of money when she lived in Northern Ireland. Neither one ever had a real job. My father in-law just collects his rent money and spends as little as he could on his properties. Now that I am getting close to starting my teaching career, we have to look else where to live. New York is far too expensive to live in. The average home starts about $470k and it would take forever for us to save for the rather high deposit need to qualify for a mortgage. We both love Virginia and will soon have the down payment necessary to buy a very nice home. When my wife's parents heard that we are planning to leave NY, they started giving my wife the guilt trip. They want us to care of every thing when they are not able to do so because of old age. I did not marry my wife just so I take care of their properties. My In-laws have the capital to go any where they desire and have been offered a great deal of money to sell out to a developer, but choose not to. They want to live well and let my wife and I take care of their land. My sister in-law has also put pressure on my wife to step up and take care of my In-laws land. My sister in-law and her husband moved to Chicago and purchased a five bed room house. They have every thing they want, but want us to make sacrifices. I have told my wife that if she wants to stay with mommy and daddy she can, I will just send money up from Virginia when I find a place of my own. She is coming with me but out of reluctance. She is angry at me for forcing her to make a decision. Am I wrong to want to save and buy my own home? I did not marry my In-laws and want to be away from their interference. They keep telling my wife behind my back that we might fail but they have never put them selves in a situation that commanded hard work and perseverance.

 

[JustaJerk]

For better or for worse, when you get married, you also marry into her family.

The key here (I think) is what your wife wants. It appears that the two of you have already discussed this at length before the in-laws (I call mine out-laws) got involved. What are her hopes and dreams? If they are in line with yours, give her the strength and support to stand up to her parents.

Some other alternatives that I'll just throw out...

Offer to stay and help manage the properties for $xxx,xxx a year. Make it such a big number that they will likely decline and not give your wife any grief when you move. On the other hand, it should be high enough that if they do accept it, you'll be more than happy to make a ton of money doing it.

Tell them that when they're ready to retire, they should sell to the developer and enjoy their retirement, that they deserve it after all of their hard work.

Lastly, don't forget that when they kick the bucket, your wife will be inheriting half of it. (an assumption on my part) What condition will the properties be in at that time without them being managed properly? Just a something to consider.

Good luck. Out-laws are rarely fun to deal with.

 

[cantdog]

You have some good reasons to act as you are acting, but you also have some bad ones. The selfishness of the in-laws doesn't excuse you from doing a charitable thing, you know. The unreasonable demands of your wife's parents still carry weight with your wife, too.

It would clearly be better for the two of you to get clean away to Virginia. No question. But it is that much better? Does it have enough importance to override your wife and her parents and leave the family fortune needing to be sold just to support them?

 

[NoJo]

My opinion: Get the fuck out of New York, get away from the in-laws. Your wife hopefully will end up supporting you in making a courageous decision -- as long as you feel you can admit you were wrong if it turns out to be the case.

As it is, she's in danger of pushing you into a defensive postion, where you'll feel you *have* to make it work, because she's kind of waiting for you to fail. You really need to tell her that you need her support.

Good luck.

 

[matriarch]

My opinion: Get the fuck out of New York, get away from the in-laws. Your wife hopefully will end up supporting you in making a courageous decision -- as long as you feel you can admit you were wrong if it turns out to be the case.

As it is, she's in danger of pushing you into a defensive postion, where you'll feel you *have* to make it work, because she's kind of waiting for you to fail. You really need to tell her that you need her support.

Good luck.

I hate to say it, but I'm with Joe.

And I don't agree that when you marry you get the family as well. You get married because you want to be with that one person. Not her family.

I'd be running as fast as I could and hoping my partner came with me.

 

[Straight-8]

I'm with Joe.

Me too.

Unless you want to be cynical and manipulative and figure out how much you can get out of the old bats now and on their death. If it is that important to them that you stay maybe they'd pony up a house in NYC for you.

I'd still leave.

 

[janiexx]

Guilt...it's a horrible feeling. I don't have brothers or sisters and I work with my parents in the family firm. I made an effort to leave the company almost 2 years ago but have now made the decision to go back and run it while my parents take semi-retirement.

If I'm honest, I'd rather be doing something else (writing) but I'm in a situation I can't see any solution to. They won't sell the business and I can't stand by and see them run themselves into the ground.

Sometimes, I feel as if I'd like to move elsewhere and do something different so if you have the chance and can do that, maybe it would be the best thing to do.

But your wife needs to be with you on this. In a few years, resentment may set in and that could lead to trouble for you both.

Good luck with whatever you do.

janiexx

 

[3113]

I hate to say it, but I'm with Joe

I'm also with Joe.

My mother once told me a story of how, early in her marriage to my dad, she got into an argument with her mother-in-law (one of THOSE arguments, not something theoretical). My dad took sides with his mom. Afterwards, my mother (his wife) told him, "You can disagree with me in private and we'll discuss it, but in public, you're on my side. Always. Especially when it's between me and your parents. I'm your wife."

A bit extreme, perhaps, but my dad aways put her first after that and vice versa.

Well, that lesson she taught to me (and they both taught to me via example) came back to roost. When I announced I was getting married, my parents gave me a good deal of grief. They did not approve of my husband-to-be. And my father made it pretty clear that if I decided to marry this man, he might well disown me. I mean quite literally, he would never want to see or speak to me again.

I remember getting sick to my stomach over it.

I married my husband and my father and I were not on speaking terms for over a year. I picked my husband over my father (and mother to a lesser degree). To me, the decision was the ultimate test. Either I loved this man and meant to put him first, always, or I was going to spend the rest of my life as obedient daughter to my parents. That's what marriage means to me. Your husband/wife is the single most important person in the world and you work TOGETHER. Always for each other and for the marriage.

Everyone else, parents, siblings, friends, come second and NEVER at the expense of the husband/wife/marriage. That's the way it MUST be.

I'm sorry if your wife is having a hard time with this. Believe me, I understand first hand how parents can put adult children through the ringer. And I'm sorry if she's passing on her anger and guilt feelings to you, making you take the blame for all this...but the people she's really mad at are her parents. She has to recognize that and she has to put the blame where it belongs.

Otherwise, she'd move and end up resenting you if things go wrong, rather than accepting that you BOTH made this decision. She has to has to see that it's the two of you, together, against them. Not you and her parents pulling her apart.

Talk to her. Tell her, "I don't want you resenting me for this decision for the rest of our marriage. I love you. You're my partner. I would do anything for you. And I want this decision to be OURS. Not mine, not yours, not theirs--OURS. I know your family is making this decision hard on you, and I wish they weren't, but they are. So one way or another, we have to deal with that. What's important here is that we be united in whatever we decide to do, and that we do it FOR US, not for them. Which means that even if we do decide to stay, it has to be for OUR good and on OUR terms. Not theirs. Otherwise we will always be at their beck and call. What do you want to do?"

The issue here is not right or wrong. And it's not about going or staying. It's about being partners, together, untied, there for each other. It's about putting your marriage first.

I wish you all the best in this. I know it'll be hard and I hope it makes your marriage stronger. Please let us know what happens.

 

[darlingguy2]

You guys are the best. I am going to stick to the plans we made before we got married and the hell with her parents. I never wanted their money. My parents worked hard and saved every penny for their first home. That’s how 99% of all people do it. Her family has never earned anything and don't want her to personally succeed. I believe that Virginia holds all the answers. Crime is very low in that state compared to New York and the people are nothing less than kind and friendly. The school system is great and college tuition for my kids is reasonable, $4,200 a year for a state University. Being a history lover, Virginia holds all the keys to happiness. Homes are also reasonable. For $260k you can buy a great house. That’s half the cost you would find in New York. My wife loves the ocean and theme parks and Virginia Beach and Bush gardens are all in the area we want to live. So you see it is not like we just thought it up. We have been there many times and keep falling in love with the area. I am not even taking to my in-laws. The only thing they know is the love of money. My parents hate them and tell me that they are a bad influence on my children, an opinion that I share 100%. So I will take her kicking and screaming. I know my wife. When she is living in her own home and enjoying the benefits, she will forget quickly about New York. I don't believe we will fail. I believe God wants this for us and all we have to do is work hard. Peace and friendship to all of you who gave me great advice.

 

[Selena_Kitt]

You guys are the best. I am going to stick to the plans we made before we got married and the hell with her parents. I never wanted their money. My parents worked hard and saved every penny for their first home. That’s how 99% of all people do it. Her family has never earned anything and don't want her to personally succeed. I believe that Virginia holds all the answers. Crime is very low in that state compared to New York and the people are nothing less than kind and friendly. The school system is great and college tuition for my kids is reasonable, $4,200 a year for a state University. Being a history lover, Virginia holds all the keys to happiness. Homes are also reasonable. For $260k you can buy a great house. That’s half the cost you would find in New York. My wife loves the ocean and theme parks and Virginia Beach and Bush gardens are all in the area we want to live. So you see it is not like we just thought it up. We have been there many times and keep falling in love with the area. I am not even taking to my in-laws. The only thing they know is the love of money. My parents hate them and tell me that they are a bad influence on my children, an opinion that I share 100%. So I will take her kicking and screaming. I know my wife. When she is living in her own home and enjoying the benefits, she will forget quickly about New York. I don't believe we will fail. I believe God wants this for us and all we have to do is work hard. Peace and friendship to all of you who gave me great advice.

I'm really relieved to hear this.

And proud of you, actually. Really, really proud.

 

[nyte_byrd]

Oh this sounds WAY too familiar, except that I was the wife in the situation. To certain members of my family I had become the one who was expected to fix everything in everyone else's lives, make sacrifices, and then to hell with me if I needed anything. My siblings all scatterd everywhere and "did their own thing", but for me it was nothing but listening to guilt trips if I didn't play the role of virtual door mat. My man got fed up with it a few years back and hauled us 1000 miles away to begin our own lives in a new state (which we had discussed doing for years). Like your wife, I was reluctant, nervous, and at times even resentful. Now I consider it the best thing we've ever done and won't even go home for the holidays. The sense of freedom is amazing!
I must warn you though, the first few months in your new place might be a bit rocky for you both. It's hard for some women to get away from overbearing families (and believe me, they will REALLY put the pressure on if you do move), and doing that in conjuntion with trying to adjust to entirely new surroundings can lead to some pretty ugly emotions at times. Be patient, work hard to take her out and show her all the great things about your new town, and whatever you do DON'T repeat what you said: "told my wife that if she wants to stay with mommy and daddy she can, I will just send money up from Virginia when I find a place of my own." That's likely similar to the "choose me or choose him" tactics that the inlaws use in their subtle manipulations, and if she's having a really hard time adjusting and gets confused, she may give up and take you up on that. Most women don't mind being guided, but very few appreciate being given ultimatums. Statements like that also make a girl wonder how deep a guy's love is, as in "Oh, so he doesn't really care if I go or stay?" and that's a score for the in-laws' side of the game.
It wasn't until my man switched away from that exact same attitude and into being a real sweetheart that I realized what a great decision he/we had made for ourselves.

 

[wazhazhe]

I have told my wife that if she wants to stay with mommy and daddy she can, I will just send money up from Virginia when I find a place of my own. She is coming with me but out of reluctance. She is angry at me for forcing her to make a decision.

Ultimatums can lead to resentment. Just a thought.

 

[oggbashan]

As parents of three daughters my wife and I take the position that a marriage partner ALWAYS comes before the parents. The marriage makes a new relationship that should be for life.

Parents can help, offer advice, or whatever but must never put their children in the position where they have to choose between their partner and a parent. If despite our best efforts, that happens, partner MUST come first...

Og

 

[NoJo]

As parents of three daughters my wife and I take the position that a marriage partner ALWAYS comes before the parents. The marriage makes a new relationship that should be for life.

Parents can help, offer advice, or whatever but must never put their children in the position where they have to choose between their partner and a parent. If despite our best efforts, that happens, partner MUST come first...

Og

I don't know about that being always correct (it's easy to imagine situations where it can be downright destructive), but it's certainly the case in my marriage too -- and, I hope, in my sons' marriages when their time comes.

 

[wazhazhe]

I am going to stick to the plans we made before we got married and the hell with her parents.

I never wanted their money.

I believe that Virginia holds all the answers.

I am not even taking to my in-laws.

So I will take her kicking and screaming.

I know my wife.

I don't believe we will fail.

I believe God wants this for us and all we have to do is work hard.

The only we's seem to be based on what I want.

 

[NoJo]

The only we's seem to be based on what I want.

I noticed that too -- from my own expereince, it read like a guy with his back to the wall. That's what I meant in my earlier post about being forced into a position of intransigence.

 

[oggbashan]

I don't know about that being always correct (it's easy to imagine situations where it can be downright destructive), but it's certainly the case in my marriage too -- and, I hope, in my sons' marriages when their time comes.

If the partner is abusive, destructive, cheating or whatever - then parents should be there for their child - IF they ask. But this thread is about choosing between parents' needs and partner - partner comes first.

Og

 

[NoJo]

Yes, assuming everyone concerned is reasonably well-adjusted, I agree.

But I daresay Tammy Wynette is responsible for a lot of unnecessary unhappy but dutiful wives.

 

[Selena_Kitt]

As parents of three daughters my wife and I take the position that a marriage partner ALWAYS comes before the parents. The marriage makes a new relationship that should be for life.

Parents can help, offer advice, or whatever but must never put their children in the position where they have to choose between their partner and a parent. If despite our best efforts, that happens, partner MUST come first...

Og

You're a great dad, Og...

 

[Carnevil9]

Hmmmm. Based on the thread title, I thought this would be about some sort of group-sex incest thingie.......Carney

 

[Sex and Death]

I met my wife about 15 years ago when I was in my mid twenties. She was sweet and beautiful and I wanted nothing more than to share my life with her. My dream was to complete my college education and buy a home. After being married for 11 years and working a number of low paying jobs, I will be graduating soon with my masters degree in teaching and can start to find real work. We have lived in a run down home for the last 11 years. The house is owned by my father-in-law who is a first class slum lord. We have done so much work in this house just to make it livable. My wife’s parents never had to work for anything. My father in-law inherited about 10 acres of land with house in the suburbs if NYC and my mother in-law inherited a great deal of money when she lived in Northern Ireland. Neither one ever had a real job. My father in-law just collects his rent money and spends as little as he could on his properties. Now that I am getting close to starting my teaching career, we have to look else where to live. New York is far too expensive to live in. The average home starts about $470k and it would take forever for us to save for the rather high deposit need to qualify for a mortgage. We both love Virginia and will soon have the down payment necessary to buy a very nice home. When my wife's parents heard that we are planning to leave NY, they started giving my wife the guilt trip. They want us to care of every thing when they are not able to do so because of old age. I did not marry my wife just so I take care of their properties. My In-laws have the capital to go any where they desire and have been offered a great deal of money to sell out to a developer, but choose not to. They want to live well and let my wife and I take care of their land. My sister in-law has also put pressure on my wife to step up and take care of my In-laws land. My sister in-law and her husband moved to Chicago and purchased a five bed room house. They have every thing they want, but want us to make sacrifices. I have told my wife that if she wants to stay with mommy and daddy she can, I will just send money up from Virginia when I find a place of my own. She is coming with me but out of reluctance. She is angry at me for forcing her to make a decision. Am I wrong to want to save and buy my own home? I did not marry my In-laws and want to be away from their interference. They keep telling my wife behind my back that we might fail but they have never put them selves in a situation that commanded hard work and perseverance.

If you want your wife to feel good in the short term but not fully trust you in the long run, then stay in NY and do as her parents are pressuring you to do.

If you want your wife to trust and respect you in the long run, then follow through on your plan to take her to Virginia and start your own life.

Do what takes the most courage. It will pay off in the long run. It's taken me too much time to learn that.

S&D

 

[Stella_Omega]

The only we's seem to be based on what I want.

there are plenty of Westatements in his original post-
We have lived in a run down home for the last 11 years.
We have done so much work in this house just to make it livable
We both love Virginia and will soon have the down payment necessary to buy a very nice home

He also talks about the pressure her family is putting on her- and that she is reluctant.
He knows there is an issue here.

Personally, I love nyte_byrd's contribution

 

[SensualCealy]

Oh man, I think this started out being wrote about me! lol

Similar situation, His family has money, mine dont. I was never good enough for them, never will be.

Long story short, he always sided with them, but for the last 5-6 years its been different, he actually realizes, if Im happy things around the house are much happier. He wouldnt think that just maybe I didnt deserve being treated the way they treat me. Oh well, 18 years later we are together and I can honestly say, happier than we have ever been.
They are in their mid 70's and will likely die sooner than later! (oops did I say that out loud?)

My thoughts, work together on this issue. You married each other, and need to provide happiness for each other.
Your wife's feelings on this need to be addressed and not in a forceful way. As her if her parents had passed already, what would she want? She should then if she decides that moving south is what she wants, discuss the move with her siblings. Its NOT HER JOB to look after Mom and Dad. If they have money, a good retirement home is the best option and their cash flow from the properties can pay for it. What is left when they die, is divided as usual.

Good luck, and my box is always open if you want any more input!
C

 

[darlingguy2]

Oh man, I think this started out being wrote about me! lol

Similar situation, His family has money, mine dont. I was never good enough for them, never will be.

Long story short, he always sided with them, but for the last 5-6 years its been different, he actually realizes, if Im happy things around the house are much happier. He wouldnt think that just maybe I didnt deserve being treated the way they treat me. Oh well, 18 years later we are together and I can honestly say, happier than we have ever been.
They are in their mid 70's and will likely die sooner than later! (oops did I say that out loud?)

My thoughts, work together on this issue. You married each other, and need to provide happiness for each other.
Your wife's feelings on this need to be addressed and not in a forceful way. As her if her parents had passed already, what would she want? She should then if she decides that moving south is what she wants, discuss the move with her siblings. Its NOT HER JOB to look after Mom and Dad. If they have money, a good retirement home is the best option and their cash flow from the properties can pay for it. What is left when they die, is divided as usual.

Good luck, and my box is always open if you want any more input!
C

Thanks for your help; I will probably take you up on your offer. My wife told me yesterday that my sister-in-law in paying us a visit in about one week. That is rather strange since she lives in Chicago and hates to fly. I guess she got wind of my intentions and is running to re-program my wife. My wife is actually looking forward to the move but is super scared. She thinks we will not get a mortgage and I won't find work. Well our credit is good and I made honors almost ever semester I attended college. I suspect her mom is trying to scare her. Her mother is so scared of life that she taught her daughters the same bad lessons, don't get involved and play it safe. All we have to fear is fear itself! I am looking forward to the move. I have nothing except my degree, some nice furniture, the down payment for a nice town house and a lot or positive courage.

 

[minsue]

I feel for you both, but as it reads my heart really goes out to your wife. This woman is being pressured from all sides and forced to prove by her actions where her loyalties truly lie. That's a bitch of a position to be in. No matter what she does, she will be hurting someone she loves. Please keep that in mind.