Is communication always the answer?

[CelticKnotted]

This forum is full of people having interpersonal issues, and the solution proposed, in almost all cases is: "Discuss the situation with your partner and/or seek counseling on the matter."

Now, I am certainly not OPPOSED to open dialogue or mutual therapy, but I believe that immediately leaping to "solution" of verbalizing the problem to your partner is counter productive because it changes the dynamic of the issue.

For instance, a good friend divorced her husband a few years ago and I have spoken to her about the issue is a significant amount of detail. It seems to me like the relationship lost its spark--he just stopped being attractive to her. She has a pretty high sex drive, but because he was no longer attracted to him, they had sex extremely infrequently.

He commented on the lack of sex and they discussed it, but it only highlighted the issue more. Guilt might have compelled her to have sex a few more times, but the ultimate problem was that she was unattracted to him and attraction isn't something you consciously choose. Indeed, raising the problem only served to further solidify her feelings.

On the other hand, he could have recognized the problem, recognized that women usually stop having sex with a person they are comfortable with either because they have a biological or psychological inhibition of their general libido or they have become unattracted to that person. Since it didn't appear like she had lost her general sex drive, the solution, rather than talking about the problem, would be to become more attractive as a person.

Thoughts?

 

[dohbuoy]

No, the solution is to come to an agreement or find a solution of some sort, hopefully without acrimony. What that solution is may or may not be what is considered ideal by others.

Real communication is not just simply stating some set of facts or idea or opinions. It involves some sort of feedback which is supposed to help both parties to understand each other. Therapy is one method to assist with that, though I myself would not use it.

How would the man in your example know what is needed to make himself more attractive without the two-way discussion? Is he supposed to know already? It isn't about talking about the problems it also involves talking about the possible solutions.

I myself have learned this the hard way.
Two-way communication is key. Period.

 

[Pleasesuckle]

Frankly, I'd rather have the truth, whatever it is. It's much worse guessing and trying to figure out what's going on in the mind of a SO. You may guess wrong, your idea of the solution may not be what the other person needs to help the problem, it may not be something "fixable" by one party's change in behavior and so on.....

And if it's the male partner that's supposed to notice all of this going on and come up with a solution, then not likely to happen. Not man bashing here....but there is more than one thread about how men are simple...feed them when they're hungry, fuck them when they're horny, let them sleep when they're tired and you'll have a relatively happy man. Women don't usually operate that way, and to expect your male partner to intuit all of this and come up with an appropriate response is unfair. Heck, as a woman I don't want to have to guess what's going on in his mind and through trial and error come up with all of the answers.

Spill it and get it out in the open.

 

[nakdsub]

I don't even have to weigh in here...

Everyone else has said it for me. Bravo-
I guess the proper one word answer to the question proposed; YES!

 

[CelticKnotted]

No, the solution is to come to an agreement or find a solution of some sort, hopefully without acrimony. What that solution is may or may not be what is considered ideal by others.

So everything you are getting your partner to do then is a quid pro quo--you do this, I do that? That sounds more like a business relationship than a romantic one. I want my partner to rip my clothes off because I turn her on and drive her crazy, not fuck me because she likes the stability that I bring to her life and because and I pleasant enough to be around that she doesn't want to risk losing me.

How would the man in your example know what is needed to make himself more attractive without the two-way discussion? Is he supposed to know already? It isn't about talking about the problems it also involves talking about the possible solutions.

Really? I have been dating my current girlfriend for about a year and a half and I can tell you with a tremendous amount of precision exactly what she finds attractive in a man. I've never really asked her directly though--I've just listened to her and paid attention when she indicated things she likes. Spend even a reasonable amount of time with someone and be reasonably intuitive and it would seem easy in my opinion.

Two-way communication is key. Period.

This seems to be the general consensus. I am just suggesting the alternative viewpoint that it might not ALWAYS be ideal.

However, I am willing to listen to people disagree.

 

[Boundlife]

On the other hand, he could have recognized the problem, recognized that women usually stop having sex with a person they are comfortable with either because they have a biological or psychological inhibition of their general libido or they have become unattracted to that person. Since it didn't appear like she had lost her general sex drive, the solution, rather than talking about the problem, would be to become more attractive as a person.

Thoughts?

If they weren't having sex, how could he know it wasn't her sex drive? If she was no longer attracted to him, what would make him more attractive to her? How much longer would she have stayed if he hadn't said anything, both of them unhappy? If she had guilt sex, she didn't hold up her end of the conversation. Talking usually does't fix the problem, it finds the problem.

 

[Pleasesuckle]

Even if you think you know what is attractive to your mate, or whatever the problem might be otherwise, there is still no substitute for actually SAYING what is on your mind. Tactfully though, without making it a personal attack. There's no reason to just rudely carpet bomb them with things to the point of overwhelming them.

If the other person isn't willing to communicate or work together then there's only so much one person can do alone, but I would hope the attempt would still be made before a decision to end the relationship. I think too many relationships end because of the "inconvenience" of attempting to talk things over.

 

[dohbuoy]

So everything you are getting your partner to do then is a quid pro quo--you do this, I do that? That sounds more like a business relationship than a romantic one. I want my partner to rip my clothes off because I turn her on and drive her crazy, not fuck me because she likes the stability that I bring to her life and because and I pleasant enough to be around that she doesn't want to risk losing me.

Lol you don't really get it at all And why can't one be both?
It has nothing to do with trading or tit-for-tat. Nothing at all.

Really? I have been dating my current girlfriend for about a year and a half and I can tell you with a tremendous amount of precision exactly what she finds attractive in a man. I've never really asked her directly though--I've just listened to her and paid attention when she indicated things she likes. Spend even a reasonable amount of time with someone and be reasonably intuitive and it would seem easy in my opinion.

That is one form of communication. But really, one and a half years is nothing. People grow and change as they age. Discover new things, abandon old ones.
After a while it may take more than physical attributes keep things going. Deeper things you can't see by just by observing the little things.

This seems to be the general consensus. I am just suggesting the alternative viewpoint that it might not ALWAYS be ideal.

However, I am willing to listen to people disagree.

You don't have to be a chatty cathy to be this way. As you already see, the nonverbal stuff is part of it, definitely.

I know it is pretty near impossible to give this sort of advice to those younger, but the experiences of those who have been through this sort of thing point in one direction.

 

[RAddams]

There are certainly no cookie cutter solutions that solve every problem; so yes communication isn't always the answer. In some situations a lack of communication can lead to many misunderstandings on both sides and simply opening up about thoughts and feelings can lead to solutions. In other situations no amount of communication can solve the problems at hand.

This is why there are professionals to council people and determine if there is a means of solving the problems.

 

[doncarlos]

Everyone else has said it for me. Bravo-
I guess the proper one word answer to the question proposed; YES!

I disagree. Although this forum is very valuable for many people, including me, there seems to to be a weird general assumption to the effect that communication is ALWAYS the answer.

Celticknotted (Celticknight?) has stated his case very well. Sometimes you may simply talk the situation to death even when a bit of silence might have provided a solution. An obvious example is when a gent for whatever reason fails to get an erection a few times and the lady wants to "communicate about it". Is that likely to solve the problem, if there is one, or make it worse perhaps even perpetuate the issue? Continuing this logic if the result of the 'communication' is that the poor fella never gets it up again in the future with any other woman, what is the redeeming value of said communication? Not only is it a case of 'The operation was successful but the patient died' it is also a case of merciless thoughtlessness mascarading as honesty.

It is not difficult to come up with additional examples of why 'communication' may not always be the right answer. Think about the sensitivity of women as to their physical attributes e.g should a man really 'communicate' to his partner if he feels her breast are too small ("Hi baby how about getting a boob job to take them A Cups to Double-D's?")

Wasn't there an old saw saying "Speech is Silver but Silence is Golden"?

 

[dohbuoy]

I disagree. Although this forum is very valuable for many people, including me, there seems to to be a weird general assumption to the effect that communication is ALWAYS the answer.

Celticknotted (Celticknight?) has stated his case very well. Sometimes you may simply talk the situation to death even when a bit of silence might have provided a solution. An obvious example is when a gent for whatever reason fails to get an erection a few times and the lady wants to "communicate about it". Is that likely to solve the problem, if there is one, or make it worse perhaps even perpetuate the issue? Continuing this logic if the result of the 'communication' is that the poor fella never gets it up again in the future with any other woman, what is the redeeming value of said communication? Not only is it a case of 'The operation was successful but the patient died' it is also a case of merciless thoughtlessness mascarading as honesty.

It is not difficult to come up with additional examples of why 'communication' may not always be the right answer. Think about the sensitivity of women as to their physical attributes e.g should a man really 'communicate' to his partner if he feels her breast are too small ("Hi baby how about getting a boob job to take them A Cups to Double-D's?")

Wasn't there an old saw saying "Speech is Silver but Silence is Golden"?

Still not getting the point, I think.

Communication has NOTHING to do with 'talking it to death' Communication is conveying information, and getting feedback on whether that information is understood or not. technically speaking. Between partners, communication is a long-term thing, not necessarily about the right-nows. It is also a two-way street. Neither of the above examples involves actual communication.

 

[SweetErika]

Celticknotted (Celticknight?) has stated his case very well. Sometimes you may simply talk the situation to death even when a bit of silence might have provided a solution. An obvious example is when a gent for whatever reason fails to get an erection a few times and the lady wants to "communicate about it". Is that likely to solve the problem, if there is one, or make it worse perhaps even perpetuate the issue? Continuing this logic if the result of the 'communication' is that the poor fella never gets it up again in the future with any other woman, what is the redeeming value of said communication? Not only is it a case of 'The operation was successful but the patient died' it is also a case of merciless thoughtlessness mascarading as honesty.

In that situation, I think communication is usually essential. The guy probably needs reassurance that it's not a big deal and the lady is absolutely happy to do non-cock-related things; the woman needs reassurance that the ED has nothing to do with her attractiveness, sexual skills, etc.

Does the couple need to discuss it every time it happens? No, but communication likely needs to take place the first time and if anything changes (like he needs her to do something different to help him relax or receive extra stimulation). If they don't talk about it, where are those doubts and such going to go? I'll tell you that they'll probably get more intense, take on a life of their own, possibly lead to resentment and similar bigger problems. And that's the case with most issues that people choose to stuff down, rather than communicate about.

It is not difficult to come up with additional examples of why 'communication' may not always be the right answer. Think about the sensitivity of women as to their physical attributes e.g should a man really 'communicate' to his partner if he feels her breast are too small ("Hi baby how about getting a boob job to take them A Cups to Double-D's?")

Wasn't there an old saw saying "Speech is Silver but Silence is Golden"?

There's a difference between honest communication for the sake of solving problems and being unkind. In the situation you've presented here, the guy might say something like, "I like larger breasts, too, but yours have a ton of advantages and I love them the most because they're part of the woman I love." Or, if his beloved asks if she should get a boob job, he could tell her he'll support her in doing whatever makes her feel best because self-esteem is critical and confident women are sexy, regardless of breast size. But breast and cock size and the like aren't things we can really control without surgery, and I don't think it's fair to ask anyone to have cosmetic surgery to meet a personal preference.

When it IS something we can generally control (like weight, hygiene habits), communication can be useful when it's done in the right way. Let's say I want my partner to lose weight. I'm not going to bring that up directly because I already know (or, at the very least, should be able to guess) they feel bad about their current size. What I AM going to do is maybe talk about BOTH of us eating well and exercising TOGETHER so we can be around for each other and in good health for the long-haul. I'll probably bring up MY personal health goals and ask them to support me in achieving them by doing X, Y and Z with me because lifestyle changes are extra hard when we do them alone. I'm also going to praise and support my love in his/her efforts and keep my mouth shut if something negative/hurtful might come out. The same idea goes, with, say, my partner having bad breath much of the time because they don't have good dental hygiene. I'm not going to say, "I'm not attracted to you because your breath stinks." Instead, I'll say something like, "I'm SUPER attracted to you when you make the effort to be your best self for me, even on little things like brushing and flossing, so plaque or the pungent food you just ate doesn't come between us getting close or kissing."

Again, the point of communication is to solve problems in a kind, tactful way, not to create them by whining or putting our loved ones down. And as kind people, we need to know how to think before speaking and when silence is golden. That doesn't suggest that communication is bad in any way, it just says that we shouldn't be initiating problems with complaining, rudeness or other negativity. When people here (or elsewhere) suggest communicating, that positive communication is what I assume they're referring to.

 

[amofiga]

Open, honest, and non-judgemental communication is important and can be the start or catylist to improving a relationship that has a good foundation to start with. If on the other hand, there is no basic "chemistry" or desire or attractiveness between a couple, the best you can hope for is a good friendship. I've known people that seem to be at each other's throats all the time but have some powerful chemistry that keeps them together. I've also known people that seem to function well as an effective team....but that's all it is. Regardless, I still feel that being able to open up and communicate objectively and without it leading to an argument or negative reaction is important.

 

[doncarlos]

In that situation, I think communication is usually essential. The guy probably needs reassurance that it's not a big deal and the lady is absolutely happy to do non-cock-related things; the woman needs reassurance that the ED has nothing to do with her attractiveness, sexual skills, etc.

Does the couple need to discuss it every time it happens? No, but communication likely needs to take place the first time and if anything changes (like he needs her to do something different to help him relax or receive extra stimulation). If they don't talk about it, where are those doubts and such going to go? I'll tell you that they'll probably get more intense, take on a life of their own, possibly lead to resentment and similar bigger problems. And that's the case with most issues that people choose to stuff down, rather than communicate about.


.

Although I generally agree and respect SE’s opinions I think the above is a female perspective. Any male is absolutely, sometimes painfully, aware, that getting an erection is the sine qua non for traditional sex. He knows that there is no way he can get an erection solely through will power. A hard-on is not the result of a conscious decision.

It is often stated that ED in most cases is of a psychological nature and when it comes to performance anxiety ‘the harder you try the more like you are to fail’. It is a vicious circle. If you think or talk about it too much and especially if you recognize it as a problem, for example by having ‘communication’, chances are good you are dead in the water.

Like it or not the male must solve this himself. In addition to ‘chemical support’ from Viagra to a few drinks it is vital that the he works on his own mindset to diminish the issue and not blowing it up in any way or fashion He must convince himself that the problem will probably solve itself because forcing that mindset provides a better chance for success. If that is or requires a bit of self-deception, - so be it.

It is also a mistake to agree and attempt on setting a ‘romantic environment’ or plan an exact time for the next tryst - again because it creates a counter-productive pressure. A Que Sera, Sera attitude is much to be preferred. If the famous morning hard-on just happens to happen, everything may soon be back to honky dory.

PS: Yes, communication about limpy may convince the female that shortcomings on her part are not the issue and that is of course jolly good. However if achieving that objective requires ‘communication’ that lowers the chances of an erection, how does that make sense?

 

[NippleMuncher]

So everything you are getting your partner to do then is a quid pro quo--you do this, I do that? That sounds more like a business relationship than a romantic one. I want my partner to rip my clothes off because I turn her on and drive her crazy, not fuck me because she likes the stability that I bring to her life and because and I pleasant enough to be around that she doesn't want to risk losing me.

No, that is negotiation, not communication.

Using your own example of the friend not being attracted to her husband anymore, why wasn't she? There was a reason behind it and it could very well have been because there was a lack of communication between them.

What a lot of people hear when the word "communication" is used seems to be "I've got a problem with you, what are YOU going to do about it?" when that is far from how it works. Honest communication is putting out to discussion all issues, big and small, and finding solutions to them.

I'm willing to bet that there had been a lack of communication in your friend's marriage for a very long time, which created the situation of her no longer being attracted to him. He probably wasn't far from the same place with her. She nagged all the time, he was a lazy bastard, whatever. The point remains that there were both large and small problems that were never addressed by either party which drove a wedge between them.

Counseling is meant to be a safe environment to get that communication started again, but BOTH individuals must want to work on the relationship and BOTH individuals must look in the mirror and recognize that they themselves have a role in the life that is before them.

I too am leery of clinical counseling, however, there are other forms that are equally accessible and helpful that will suit your tastes and needs, be it speaking with a religious adviser, spiritual adviser, or just a really close friend that you trust.

 

[roomfor1more]

I am a strong believer that counseling does not always work and it can do more damage then help. My opinion, couples are probably better off using the money they would have spent on counseling to take a once in a lifetime holiday / vacation in order to reconnect.

With that said I believe having a line of communication with your partner is essential. When I speak about communication, I do not mean talking about every issue to the nth degree in detail. Instead I mean each person should feel secure enough with their partner in order to discuss with them any topic, regardless of their perceived reaction and their partner should be able to respond to the discussion in a constructive way. Without the necessary communication, I feel, no relationship can survive.

Reading your question, I would argue conscious as you use it, would be in a Freudian context. Freud frequently changed his position on his theories, such as his seduction theory, and his theories for the most part have been discounted. Attraction at one level is a complex neuro-biochemical process that involves the nervous system including the senses that determines attraction and at a psychological level it is a cognitive process based on learning. When learning interacts with the neuro-biochemical process attraction, both physical and emotional, occurs. For a relationship to maintain itself being able to communicate and the ability to maintain the attraction needs to occur. Sometimes based on my experience there maybe a strong physical attraction but a weak emotional attraction. I feel, physical attraction may start the relationship but without an emotional attraction then the relationship cannot maintain itself.

This would mean the issue you are describing regarding your friends has two components. First is I would suspect their communication styles were different and neither of them learned how to effectively communicate their needs to the other. Without being able to effectively communicate the ability to form and maintain an emotional attraction could occur. As a result, this lead to an incomplete attraction and based on their previous learning both knew that the needed attraction in order to maintain the relationship could not be attained.

Second issue regards their discussion about the lack of sex. Based on you posting I do not believe the discussion about the lack of sex destroyed their relationship and I believe based on your posting, the relationship was already doomed. My feeling, the discussion brought to light what both already knew and by discussing it both made the choice not to continue with the relationship. This means, by discussing it they were able to bring the relationship to an amicable end versus having the relationship end with an affair or one of the walking out.

Therefore my feeling their relationship ended because there were ongoing issues in the relationship and those issues influenced the attraction for each other. Furthermore I believe their communication styles were incompatible and if each took the time to work on improving their communication there might have been a chance, though difficult to determine by your question, that the relationship might have worked. In contrast, I do no believe if attraction was the issue that their relationship would have lasted this long and feel that it would have ended much sooner. So, I would disagree that the issue is attraction and feel the issue is how they interacted with each other.

 

[Boundlife]

Celticknotted (Celticknight?) has stated his case very well. Sometimes you may simply talk the situation to death even when a bit of silence might have provided a solution. An obvious example is when a gent for whatever reason fails to get an erection a few times and the lady wants to "communicate about it". Is that likely to solve the problem, if there is one, or make it worse perhaps even perpetuate the issue? Continuing this logic if the result of the 'communication' is that the poor fella never gets it up again in the future with any other woman, what is the redeeming value of said communication?

so she should roll over and try to go to sleep? only problem is that is still a form of communication. The man could "hear" all sorts of things just as likely to perpetuate the issue.

It is not difficult to come up with additional examples of why 'communication' may not always be the right answer. Think about the sensitivity of women as to their physical attributes e.g should a man really 'communicate' to his partner if he feels her breast are too small ("Hi baby how about getting a boob job to take them A Cups to Double-D's?")

Saying your not good enough, get surgery, communicates very loudly "Run away from this relationship" (Babe, your cocks too small, how about getting that lengthening surgery{see, run}

Your thinking of what self-help junkies call communicating. If you ask strangers on the net what your
SO is thinking you are not communicating. talking is only part, listening, responding, and many unconscious factors are involved

 

[infinity706]

In that situation, I think communication is usually essential. The guy probably needs reassurance that it's not a big deal and the lady is absolutely happy to do non-cock-related things; the woman needs reassurance that the ED has nothing to do with her attractiveness, sexual skills, etc.

Does the couple need to discuss it every time it happens? No, but communication likely needs to take place the first time and if anything changes (like he needs her to do something different to help him relax or receive extra stimulation). If they don't talk about it, where are those doubts and such going to go? I'll tell you that they'll probably get more intense, take on a life of their own, possibly lead to resentment and similar bigger problems. And that's the case with most issues that people choose to stuff down, rather than communicate about.


There's a difference between honest communication for the sake of solving problems and being unkind. In the situation you've presented here, the guy might say something like, "I like larger breasts, too, but yours have a ton of advantages and I love them the most because they're part of the woman I love." Or, if his beloved asks if she should get a boob job, he could tell her he'll support her in doing whatever makes her feel best because self-esteem is critical and confident women are sexy, regardless of breast size. But breast and cock size and the like aren't things we can really control without surgery, and I don't think it's fair to ask anyone to have cosmetic surgery to meet a personal preference.

When it IS something we can generally control (like weight, hygiene habits), communication can be useful when it's done in the right way. Let's say I want my partner to lose weight. I'm not going to bring that up directly because I already know (or, at the very least, should be able to guess) they feel bad about their current size. What I AM going to do is maybe talk about BOTH of us eating well and exercising TOGETHER so we can be around for each other and in good health for the long-haul. I'll probably bring up MY personal health goals and ask them to support me in achieving them by doing X, Y and Z with me because lifestyle changes are extra hard when we do them alone. I'm also going to praise and support my love in his/her efforts and keep my mouth shut if something negative/hurtful might come out. The same idea goes, with, say, my partner having bad breath much of the time because they don't have good dental hygiene. I'm not going to say, "I'm not attracted to you because your breath stinks." Instead, I'll say something like, "I'm SUPER attracted to you when you make the effort to be your best self for me, even on little things like brushing and flossing, so plaque or the pungent food you just ate doesn't come between us getting close or kissing."

Again, the point of communication is to solve problems in a kind, tactful way, not to create them by whining or putting our loved ones down. And as kind people, we need to know how to think before speaking and when silence is golden. That doesn't suggest that communication is bad in any way, it just says that we shouldn't be initiating problems with complaining, rudeness or other negativity. When people here (or elsewhere) suggest communicating, that positive communication is what I assume they're referring to.

It's kind of off topic, but I have to ask about the weight thing. Would it make a difference if you desired your partner to weigh more rather than less? I don't mean trying to drag someone's self esteem down or something. I mean genuinely finding bigger bodies attractive. Obviously, bigger cunts/tits/ass cheeks are nice to fuck since they're soft and have more surface area. (especially nice for spanking or face sitting as well) You could even fuck the cunt crack, rather than the hole if it's meaty enough and get some direct clit stimulation. Overweight people are really warm, soft and nice to cuddle with, too. Big, sagging tits even make nice, makeshift pockets for light weight items. There's certainly quite a few nice perks, even without considering associated fetishes.

So, would it be inappropriate like the surgery or appropriate like the weight loss?

Oh, and as for the breasts are too small thing, you don't have have to go get a boob job. There are plenty of other solutions like stuffing a bra and having sex with the woman's shirt on. (assuming neither partner cares for breast play) You could even go out together or alone and discreetly drool over and discuss whatever you find attractive. It's especially helpful if both (or all) partners are bi, though, but not required. Depending on the relationship, it might even be workable to make out with, fuck, or whatever, a desirable person, either together or alone. You can even discuss it as part of sex with your regular partner(s).

Even the women that normally get mad about ogling someone else tend to come around, if they're allowed to do the same with people they find attractive.

It's not even a big deal if a big cock is desired. In most cases, people that like huge cocks don't want in inside of them. They just like to look at it and maybe stroke it some. If it is actually desired for penetration, though, you could still work something out like, letting the guy fuck the other person first and then, fucking them with a dildo, serveral fingers, stroking the prostate/G-spot, or whatever is the cause of this desire. Afterall, even if you fist someone, they'll shrink back down to normal size within an hour or so.

People really do need to compromise and stop taking everything personally just because they aren't perfectly in line with their partner's ideal fantasy. It's not like there's a person on the planet that would probably be able to check every one of the boxes.

 

[silverwhisper]

celticknotted quoth:
i believe that immediately leaping to "solution" of verbalizing the problem to your partner is counter productive because it changes the dynamic of the issue.

timing, as they say, is everything. if you're really pissed off about something, that precise moment is probably not the best time to discuss that something that you think is a problem. that isn't communication: it's ranting.

as has been stated by others: the issue isn't that one of them became less attractive to the other, the issue is that neither of them went far enough in identifying why or in what way. had that been done, it could have been addressed in some meaningful or useful way.

you are also making the mistake of thinking communication = verbal. this is not in fact the case. 90% of face to face communication is non-verbal. in fact, when couples stop communicating, it's quite often IMX because we're imputing way too much credence to the non-verbal, which we sometimes interpret incorrectly. this very thing is why it's so important to verbalize things.

lastly: yes, it can change the dynamic. often times, changing the dynamic is a good thing, especially if things are contentious. again, it's about the timing.

doncarlos queried:
yes, communication about limpy may convince the female that shortcomings on her part are not the issue and that is of course jolly good. however if achieving that objective requires ‘communication’ that lowers the chances of an erection, how does that make sense?

you're making a host of assumptions here, starting with your use of ‘communication’ in quotation marks.

why would any kind of communication at all necessarily lower the chances subsequently of an erection? how does that make any sense? i mean, you state it as if it's a fact when that isn't the case.

but by your logic, anything at all might lower those chances, so you appear to be suggesting that one should do nothing at all if experiencing erectile dysfunction. you appear not to recognize that what's been going on previously has not yielded the desired result, hence a change in approach might improve the likelihood.

this bears repeating: repeating the previous stimuli probably isn't going to yield a different result.

ed

 

[Eilan]

For instance, a good friend divorced her husband a few years ago and I have spoken to her about the issue is a significant amount of detail.

Yeah, so you've gotten her side of the story in detail, but have you talked to her ex? The truth is probably somewhere between her side and his side.

People on these boards advocate "communication" so often because we're getting just one side of the story and can't know all the details. This is a relatively simple example, but if a guy asks, "How can I get my [SO] to suck my cock more often?" what else are we supposed to tell him?

Your thinking of what self-help junkies call communicating. If you ask strangers on the net what your SO is thinking you are not communicating. talking is only part, listening, responding, and many unconscious factors are involved

QFT

 

[TheOne007]

I would say that 9 times out of 10 that communication is the problem in many of today's relationships, either in dating, marriages, or even in business atmospheres.

Why is this? Simple: We as a collective are victims of our own successes. Electronic Communication has become such the norm, that verbal communication is lacking. I've noticed this in my daily life. I believe we rely so much on our smartphones, e-mails, even these forums, that we don't talk anymore.

I have seen it in the last few relationships, the lack of communication is horrible! I think it's one of the saddest things to see in online dating as well. I find that in the last 2 years, getting someone to talk is like leading a blind man through a mine field, especially with females. You wouldn't think so, but it's sad to say (and I'm not picking on just females, we do it as well, males!)

I believe if we didn't hold back so much, we are more open to our feelings, put down our smartphones and LISTEN to each other, you would see divorce rates decrease, happier couples, better economic business policies, and above all love.

 

[amofiga]

It could go on for ever. Some say communication is essential, some say it's not the answer to everything. Some say counseling is good, some say take a vacation instead. Some say it's all negotiation. In my book it's all meaningless if there isn't acceptance. Somebody got it right when they said that it has to go both ways and you can't call it communication if it boils down to one person saying, "this is what's wrong with you". You also have to be sensitive enough to realize what's wrong with your own self. And, maybe nobody can change. Change isn't always possible or desirable because the person who thinks he or she has to change, still ends up feeling like the loser. Unfortunataely too many people enter relationships thinking that they will be able to change someone to smooth over whatever seems to bother the other. That won't work. If you don't/can't accept what somebody is at their core, it's hard to ever get along. No amount of communicaton will fix empathy and lack of acceptance.