Is anyone else adopted?

[BustyTheClown]

Calling all adoptees -- as well as adopters, foster parents, those who've given up a child or children for adoption, or those whose lives have been touched by adoption...

For adoptees: How do you like/dislike being adopted? Have you found your birthfamily? Would you? Want to tell your story?

For adopters: How has it been for you to adopt? What was it like to be approved to adopt? Please share your stories, there are lots of people out there who don't actually know what you've gone through who probably should.

Anyone else who feels they have something to contribute to this thread, please feel free to post whatever it is. It seems as though adoption is still a foreign subject to many people out there, and I'd love to help clear up any of the mystery for those who are still unfamiliar with it.

As for myself, I was adopted just before my third birthday. I'll go into details a bit later, if anyone's curious, but I'll leave that for now. My brother (not biologically related to me) was also adopted into my family, as well as my father being adopted by his parents. Hell, we even adopted our cats! As you can see, my life has been greatly influenced by adoption... so tell me about yours.

 

[shynsexy]

Between being 11 and 13 years old I was in a foster home....but never adopted. My mom didn't want to give up full rights, but she couldn't "handle" me either.

 

[*bratcat*]

 

[Allexus_TN]

My sister...

...was adopted when she was 2 months old and I was 6 years old. I resented her at first since I had been the only child for so long. Now we are close, and I thank God for her coming into our family. I'm not advocating for abortion rights or pro-choice or pro-life. But because she has brought so much joy in the lives of our family, I could never get an abortion. For the child I carried might do for someone else's family what my sister did for ours.

 

[april-wine]

Hmmmmm my mom is my biological mother, but my dad adopted me when they married......I was 3 when they first met, I asked him the first date if he was gonna be my new daddy lol.....I guess it worked.........

 

[SilverVeil]

Calling all adoptees -- as well as adopters, foster parents, those who've given up a child or children for adoption, or those whose lives have been touched by adoption...

For adoptees:

How do you like/dislike being adopted? Hated it

Have you found your birthfamily? Unfortunately my biological mom found me.
We have nothing in common and I do not care for her much.

 

[bored1]

Way back when in another life my then girlfriend and I had a child,she was born on xmas day 1973. The baby was immediately adopted by a couple in the northern part of the state. I have seen 2 pictures of my biological daughter, One as newborn, and one as a high school student from a picture in a yearbook. I had done some research through a service called reunite,which led me to the yearbook. I have never pursued the issue any further. I often wonder if this young women thinks of her biological parents and why they gave her away As I get older I find that the memories of that time come and go, The holidays are usually depressing for me. Someday I would like to meet this person, not to be a father, but to be a friend if that was possible.

 

[BustyTheClown]

Re: Re: Is anyone else adopted?

SilverVeil, I'm sorry to hear that your privacy was invaded by people you apparently did not want to have anything to do with. I hope your biological mother realizes that she is not welcome in your life (wish there was a nicer way to put it), and that she subsequently respects your desire for privacy. I can't imagine how I'd feel if that happened to me. I'm also sorry you hated being adopted. That must have been (and still be?) quite a struggle for you. I can definitely empathize with you. How did it come about that she was able to contact you if you didn't want her to?

bored1, your post was intriguing to me. Honestly, I haven't heard a whole lot about what biological parents think about the children they gave up for adoption. However, I can pretty much guarantee that your daughter thinks of you and her birthmother, wondering where and how you are, what happened that led you to give her up for adoption... They're questions that all of us face -- some more than others, but I'm sure we think of them at some point in our lives. I think it's a mixed blessing that you've been able to find a couple pictures of her over the years: on the one hand, you get to see how she's growing into a young woman; on the other hand, there's so much in between pictures, and so much of her life that you've been missing out on. (I wouldn't say any of this if I wasn't positive you'd already thought about it a million times before.)

I hope, if you do reunite with her, that it is a happy reunion. This raises a question that I'd like to pose to the rest of you, though: who do you think should have the right to look for whom? Do you think both the birthparents and the child should have the right to find each other? Do you think that one or the other shouldn't have any right to search for the other? I'd be really interested to see how others feel about the issue, because it is a complicated one. In Silver's case, his birthmother found him, and it was not a happy occasion. On the other hand, sometimes the birthparents don't want to be found.... Tell me what you think.

 

[bored1]

Busty, Ive always wondered what it would feel like wondering about your birthparents and why they gave you away. I think it would drive me crazy just wanting to know But maybe that feeling comes and goes just as my own feelings do. I think the adoptee should have the right to research his or her past to find the birth parents. But only after reaching the age of 18. The laws are different today than 1973. Many states have made information available. I just recalled that about 4/5 years ago I did a quick search on the internet using a name that eventually led to an address in the Northern part of the state. I would never pursue this without using an intermediary to make the initial contact. Maybe someday before I die I will do so.

 

[WhiteRose]

hehe pull up a chair...

I was adopted at birth. My adoptive parents told me from the time I can remember that I was adopted, so it's something I've always lived with, and it's something that has always been very important to me. I wanted to know. Ever since I was a LITTLE girl, I would think about my birthmom (I felt more of a connection with her than I did to my birthfather. I'm not sure why exactly.)

My parents told me she hadn't WANTED to give me up, but that she'd HAD to. The story they were given by the adoption agency at the time I was adopted was that my birthparents were high school graduates and my birthmom worked as a cashier and my birthfather was in the Marine Corps, that they weren't married and had no other children together. That gave my parents (and me) the idea that they had been in high school together and had "made a mistake" (that's the euphemism they used to use for it).

I've always felt my birthmother close to me. I used to talk to her when I was little and felt like she was watching over me. I never resented her giving me up, and I understood completely how hard it must have been for her being an unwed mother. My adoptive dad always took the time to answer any questions he could if I had questions (he did the same with my adoptive brother who I "got" for my 7th birthday *she says proudly* though I wanted a dog...another story ) so I never felt betrayed by my birthmother. My adoptive parents were given a sheet detailing my birthparents' ages, religions, education levels, occupations, and physical appearances, which my dad pulled out and showed to me. It made it more real to me, I could almost picture them.

When I was five, my adoptive dad (also in the Marine Corps ) was transferred to Pearl Harbor, and we lived there for two years. I remember one day my mom had gotten angry with me for something, and I was hiding in the corner of my room crying hysterically and calling for my "mom" to come get me. It wasn't the mom downstairs I meant, it was my birthmom I wanted. I felt her so close to me then. And it wasn't until three years ago that I found out why. My birthmother's entire family lives 15-20 minutes away from where we were living on base. That's where my birthfamily has lived for generations...back even before the haoles first landed on the Hawaiian shores.

Anyway, when I was finally of age and in college in Los Angeles, I decided to try to find my birthparents. My dad told me he'd help if I needed him to, but it's something I needed to do on my own. It was MINE. He gave me access to all the papers they'd received about the adoption including the court papers finalizing it, which had the lawyer's name and firm on them, as well as all of the hospital and adoption agency forms.

I wrote a LOT of letters and made a lot of phone calls, but state adoptions are very hard to get information about. This was a state agency in California...which means permanently sealed records unless you take it to court and can prove medical need to get them opened...something that pisses me off no end, especially since I KNOW the information that is in there, and they still won't open them.

I'd been very involved in working on my adoptive dad's genealogy throughout junior high and high school along with some of his other relatives (got him back to the year 928 on one line!), and had worked as a volunteer in the Genealogy Department at the local library for a summer, so I pretty much knew my way around the forms and where to find what information, but getting the agencies to HELP me was another matter.

Some social workers are very sympathetic to adoptees, others go strictly by the book. I got lucky with a court assistant down in San Diego (which was the court the adoption was finalized in). When I wrote asking for ALL the documents regarding my adoption including the adoption decree, he was supposed to make a copy of the decree, white out the birthname, make another copy, and send me THAT copy. What he did was white out the name and send me the copy with the white out on it! I wasn't working as a secretary for nothing I scraped the white out off And I had my birthname...

That made things a bit easier. I had hired an independent search consultant (her total fee was $50 for however long it took her to complete the search...yes, she's a really special person ) And she worked hard. I was born in a small town in central California, and it was very hard trying to get any information from their records. Plus, because we were going under the assumption that my birthmother had gone to high school there and had me soon after graduation, because of the information we'd gotten from the adoption agency, so we were looking for information on her and possibly her family there as well.

In the meantime, after many letters back and forth to the agency, I found out that they had conflicting info about my birthparents. The information they sent ME gave different information than they'd given to my parents when I was adopted. I called and spoke to them about it, and the woman told me she hadn't been aware that I'd seen the first information. hrm. Apparently, back in the 60's, a lot of the information was taken down by hand...scribbled notes on pieces of paper. So they had two sets of information, but they had confused the descriptions of my adoptive dad and my birthfather, and they'd also missed a little bit of REALLY IMPORTANT information that made us pretty much start the search all over again. My birthmother and birthfather were not married to each other, however my birthmother WAS married to the man whose name is on my sealed birth certificate and had been divorced from another man before him. And, the agency had three previous children listed as being hers (not adopted, she still had them), they were shown as a son four years older than me, a daughter 3 years older than me, and another son a year and a half older than me. So this all put kind of a new spin on my "being adopted out", because now I was really confused. I'd had every thing straight in my head that they were a high school couple who had "made a mistake". Now, my birthmother is a woman in her early 30's who was married (for the second time) and had three kids, so obviously, she knew what she was doing when she had me... It raised a lot more questions. I think that's the point that my birthmother became HUMAN to me.

I kept looking. The search took on and off about 20 years to find them...but I'd taken a break when I hit what we thought was a brick wall for about 9 years before taking up the search again. The whole time, I'd been thinking about how far I wanted to take this. Did I want to meet her in person or would knowing who she was or seeing her be enough for me? I KNEW I didn't want to interfere in her life or bring up bad memories or cause any problems in her present life. That was something I was positive about. She'd had her reasons for giving me up, and I'd never hold them against her, because it must have been devastating to her to give up a child. That's how I felt, anyway. I couldn't imagine ever having to give up a child, unless it would be in the child's best interest.

There's a listing in California called the "California Birth Index". It isn't open to the public, but my independent search consultant (ISC) was able to get into it. All it shows is the baby's name and the birthfather's first and middle initials and his last name. We didn't think that would be TOO much help, but it was a shot, and by this time we knew he was my birthmother's husband, but not my father. We knew they'd gotten married between my two older siblings, so we had a good timeframe to work with and started checking marriage certificates for both California and Las Vegas for a man with his initials and last name, and a woman whose last name was Fuentes (my mother's father was Filipino). We actually DID find a woman who matched the criteria, and yes, I did speak to her on the phone (calling as a genealogical consultant, because most people don't feel as threatened by that as they would if you said you were an adoptee doing a search), but her father was from Mexico via Chicago...not the right people.

That's about the point that the search stopped, because we just couldn't piece it together, and I was busy doing IRL stuff, moving, transferring jobs, going back to school etc. About seven years ago, I was watching a documentary about Hawai'i on tv, and it suddenly hit me. We'd been looking in the wrong state. Sure, I was born in California, but who knew when my birthmother had MOVED there? I wrote to the Hawaiian Social Services the next day, and within a week, I had my birthmother's marriage certificate. With her name, her parents' names, their addresses, my legal father's full name (a legal father is the one who is listed on the birth certificate, regardless of whether or not he is the birthfather).

With the information on that certificate, I sent for my birthmother's and grandparents' birth certificates from Hawai'i (and my grandparents' death certificates), and went to the library to start looking for my legal father. I went through every phone book in the library (we have a BIG library here heh), and I had somewhere around 80 names and addresses and phone numbers with his first initial and last name...and was hoping he had a listed phone number. I went through about half of them...calling each one as a genealogical consultant until I found him. I told him I was doing research on my adoptive grandmother's family in Hawai'i, and I had him listed as the husband of her daughter. He told me he hadn't seen her in over 30 years, and I thought I'd be stuck again. Then he paused and said, "Oh, but her daughter lives here in town." (he lives in Virginia).

He gave me her phone number, and I realized that this was the point I'd been holding out for for SOOO many years. Should I call her? This was my sister. My real blood sister (okay, half-sister, but who's keeping track). The first real blood relative I'd ever talk to...IF I decided to call. I'd talked this over with an older friend one night (she's the same age as my birthmother, and had a little experience in that her sister gave up a child once). Her response when I asked what I should do, was, "What's the worst that can happen? You'll still be the same person afterwards that you are now." I thought about it all that night, kept looking at the phone number on the piece of paper.

The next day, I took a deep breath and dialed. A young girl answered the phone, and I asked for Jackie (my sister). She yelled into the background, and a young boy picked up the phone asking who I wanted. When I told him, he said, "Oh, that's my mom." My nephew. When she answered the phone, I stumbled over the words, but introduced myself (using my real name...the one my adoptive parents had given me, because I knew she wouldn't know it), and said I was doing genealogical research on her (my) grandmother's family in Hawai'i.

Two hours later, she had told me things NOBODY would tell a stranger over the phone. Told me all about my (our) mom, and about her kids...turns out there are 9 of us (omg, growing up in a 2-kid family to suddenly having over 100 first cousins! And I've always wanted to have a large family). Then...she told me about me. Told me how our mother had had to give up a baby girl, told me how her husband had beaten her all during their marriage, how he'd forced her to give up her first 5 kids (the ones she'd had with her first husband) and had them raised by our grandparents and aunts and uncles, and how he'd put her in the hospital several times...how he'd been in the Army and had to go overseas to Okinawa for 2 years, during which time my mother had met and fallen head over heels in love with my father, who was stationed in Hawai'i, and how when her husband the Jerk returned home, he'd promised her he'd changed and would take care of her and the kids and wouldn't hurt her anymore, and how because they were legally married and she had two daughters with him, and my father was being transferred back stateside to the East Coast, that she'd decided to stay with her husband...........................and about her husband being transferred to the West Coast, still not knowing she was pregnant with me, then he found a letter my father had written to my mother because they were still corresponding...and her husband threatened to kill me if she gave birth. And how she escaped to California to give birth and put me up for adoption...and when she got back up north, her husband's parents, who also live near them, warned her that he was getting ready to sell my sisters...his daughters...and they helped her get in touch with my uncles, who flew over from Hawai'i to get the girls and her and take them home...but I was already gone. And how she spent the next 6 years in a hospital because of everything that bastard put her through and being depressed at having given her daughter (me) up. It's not the Hawaiian way to give your children up to strangers. Family take them in, but there was no way for her to get me home.

I'm not sure how I made it through that phone call. It hurt. I hurt for my mother, for all the pain that jackass had put her through. I hurt for lost time with my sisters and my older brother and my grandparents and my mother. It wasn't until we hung up that I realized I hadn't even told her that little girl was me.

I called back the next day, and she answered, and I said, "Hi, do you remember me? We talked yesterday. I think that little girl your mom gave up was me." She just laughed and said, "I knew it was you when you called." She called my oldest sister that afternoon to tell her she'd found me. That night, my oldest sister called me, and she said, "It's about time. We didn't know where you were, so there was no way for us to find you." And she said that she and our mother had been sitting on the steps the day before (the day I'd first called Jackie), and that my mom had been wondering where I was and what I was doing. It sounds so coincidental, I suppose, but then maybe it's something about our particular family.

When I started calling and writing to my birthmom, she told me all about my birthfather. He was born in New York, but she didn't have any current information for him. So...the search started again, this time for him. I actually found one of my half-brothers on that side ONLINE I checked email addy's and name listings all over the place, and found two that looked promising. One didn't know who I was talking about. The other said he MIGHT know who I was looking for, but I'd have to give him more info before he'd let that party know (good son, smart guy). I gave him SOME more info, pretty general, but with locations listed (didn't want to give too much away before I knew for sure he wasn't just some crazy person), and a few days later he emailed me back saying that he would definitely pass the information along (still didnt' tell me what relation that person was to him, so I didn't know at first I was emailed my brother). I sent an email back asking him to ask the person three questions...sort of making sure we're both on the same page, and they were answers ONLY my birthfather would know. The next day I received an email. At the top were the three questions along with the correct answers I'd found my birthfather!

We keep in contact via phone and letters and email, and he's a great guy, and we get along wonderfully. Three years ago, I went to Hawai'i and met my birthmother, 2 of my half-sisters, and a couple of cousins. I had a wonderful time, and it really felt like I was "going home". There was never any awkwardness *thinks I spelled that wrong, but am too tired to check, it looks funny* between us. They've always, from the time I was born, thought of me as their sister, and that feels so good.

Altogether, I have *counts on fingers* 7 half-sisters, 4 half-brothers, and 2 adoptive brothers (one that I was raised with, and one that my birthmother adopted during her third marriage). Four years ago, my oldest brother died. We never met, but I called and was able to talk to him in the hospital just days before his death. I'm so glad about that. He sounded so happy to hear from me, and we had a wonderful conversation. When they had his memorial service, they made sure my name was added in amongst his sisters on the program. The second poem I've had published is dedicated to him.

My adoptive dad was thrilled when I'd give him updates on my search progress (and proud that I'd actually been able to DO it, faced with all the obstacles I came up against during the search.) My mom was a little...defense? She was worried. I think she felt threatened, but I reassured her that she was stuck with me for life, and they've both seen pictures of my birthfamilies and even helped pay for my trip to meet my birthmother, and they ask about them from time to time.

No, not every reunion is positive. Some are absolutely horrible and devastating to one or both parties. Mine was perfect.

Not all adoptees DO want to find their birthparents. My brother doesn't. He did a initial search and found a little information, basically just physical description, occupation, education, a little family situation info...things that my parents received at my adoption, but my brother was born in Hawai'i...different agency, different rules (one of the problems in adoption!). He was satisfied with that, though he says he might look again later (and I've offered to help), but for now he's happy with what he knows, though his wife hopes he looks into it more sometime in the future, now that they have kids who might want to know or need to know in a medical situation. When I first told him I'd gotten more info about my birthfamily and told him how many brothers and sisters I have, his immediate response was, "Wow! We have a LOT of brothers and sisters now!". "We". I loved that When we adopted him, I got to carry him home in the car (no car seats back then), and from that moment on he was MY baby (except the diaper thing, especially after he peed in my face...don't tickle baby boys when they aren't wearing diapers).

As one of my projects for an Applied Anthropology course I took a couple of years ago, I did volunteer work at an adoption agency here in town. The number of children needing to be adopted is mindnumbing and heartbreaking. There are huge catalogs full of these kids' pictures, along with description and family history. Sometimes brothers and sisters hoping to get adopted together. Most couples want babies, but when you see these kids who were orphaned or taken away from unfit parents, your heart just goes out to them. The agency I worked for works hard to place the right kids with the right parents, and even works with single adults who want to adopt, as well as gay/lesbian couples. The important thing is to get these kids into loving homes with parents or a parent who really WANT them and want to, and can, give them a good life.

 

[hornylady]

You've just brought tears to my eyes, WhiteRose - happiness for you and your story, but sadness for all the ones not as lucky as you.

 

[BustyTheClown]

Wow, Rose... That is an amazing story you have. I can't imagine what it must have felt like for you to search and search -- and then to find your family! I'm SO happy that your long-awaited reunion was just what you'd wanted. Lol, have you considered going on Oprah or something? That's amazing... Now I'm inspired to tell my story, and since your post was probably the longest on in the history of Literotica I won't feel guilty about prattling on a bit.

I wasn't adopted at birth, but I was taken away at birth. From what I hear, my birthmother was not the most responsible woman that ever lived -- she drank while pregnant with me, and her lifestyle had led to her two other sons being taken away and put up for adoption, as well. In fact, after my second-oldest brother had been taken from her, the state of Arizona (where I was born) told my birthmother that if she was to have any more children after that, they would immediately be confiscated and put into foster homes.

And that's where I come in. lol I don't know if I was an accident or what, but she'd violated the rules, and so I was taken away at birth and put up for adoption. I have a few pictures of me as a very young baby at my birthmother's house (I think?), but I don't think she was allowed to spend a whole lot of time with me. I was premature -- about two or three months -- and was a sick baby. I weighed under 4 pounds, and had some problem with my stomach or lungs or something. An incubator was involved somewhere along the line, but I don't remember right now. I had three foster families in the first year or two of my life -- the first one couldn't take care of me because I was too high-maintenence, and the second one didn't hold out much better. Finally, a sweet family took me in and took care of me for a year or so until my adoptive parents came along. When I was about a year old, I stopped eating and had to be rushed to the hospital for emergency treatment where I was tube-fed -- and I still have the scars!

Fortunately, aside from frequent bouts of pneumonia and bronchitis as an infant and toddler, I was a healthy kid. It's kind of freaky to think that just a little bit more alcohol or being born just a little bit earlier or something could have rendered me handicapped (like my oldest brother was)... I feel very fortunate that I survived the mistakes my birthmother made. Anyway, my adoptive parents were applying for adoption because they couldn't have children, and they tell me that they saw my picture, with my chubby face, platinum-blonde hair, and stripey 80s t-shirt, and knew that I was their little girl. They tell me that when they came to meet me, I ran behind the couch to hide and laughed. Lol I seem to remember writing a story about it in first grade or something... By the time I turned 3, I'd been adopted and went home with my folks wearing a red- and white-checked dress and some belongings...

Sometimes I wonder what I must have thought when I went home with them. How I felt coming home with strangers -- because kids don't familiarize themselves with adults the way older people do, so I really didn't know who they are, I'd just met them a few times and felt comfortable around them. Thinking back on my early childhood now, I always feel really sad and alone, but I don't think I felt that way then. I was a happy and pretty much healthy kid. My parents have always loved me like their own daughter, and I've always thought of them as my parents. I wonder about my birthmother -- hardly ever my birthfather, since I hear he wasn't even present when I was born -- and my two brothers. I wonder if I look like them, and what it would be like to look at them and see myself in their faces. I wonder if they think about me at all, but none of it makes me want to meet them right away. I don't know if I'll ever want to meet them, but it's not like I have any bad feelings towards them. I guess I just sort of see it as something in my past that I'm not particularly interested in pursuing right now... Maybe when I have a family of my own I'll want to meet my own birthmother, but I don't know.

Rose, I was really surprised to read about all the information your folks had about your birthparents -- even if it turned out to be false or confused. I just know that I don't even have a birth certificate, much less any information about how my parents/brothers look, what our medical history is, or anything like that. Honestly, I was a mite jealous to know your files were so wide open, lol. I've been trying to get a hold of a copy of my birth certificate in order to get a passport, and already I just want to give up, lol. I don't think I'd have the patience or the will to search for my birthfamily for 20+ years... I commend you on that. Then again, you seemed to have that hole missing in yourself that only they could fill, while I am not quite so open to the idea. In any case...

Well, that's my story, lol. I wasn't going to make it so long -- and I'm sure that anyone who isn't terribly interested in the subject of adoption is going to look at the size of these last couple of posts and die of a massive coronary -- but I felt like sharing. Good luck to those of you who are searching for each other, and I hope you get what you are seeking, no matter what that may be.

As for the number of kids out there up for adoption, Rose is pretty much bang-on in the overall scope of things. Couples are looking for babies -- of any race, I guess -- but there are so many toddlers, young children, and even teenagers who need people to want and love them. My heart goes out to all those children and young adults, and I hope that they find a place where they belong before they feel too lost and dejected. Adoption is a wonderful, wonderful thing, and there is far too much ignorance about it in society.

 

[bored1]

WOW! What a story

 

[BustyTheClown]

You've just brought tears to my eyes, WhiteRose - happiness for you and your story, but sadness for all the ones not as lucky as you.

I forgot to mention that Rose's inspiring story also brought me to tears. Lovely.

 

[AriaSilverfyre]

That's a great story WhiteRose. Congrats!

I was put up for adoption as an infant and lived with my biological grandparents until I was 6 months old. My bio-mother was too young to care for me so she put me up to me adopted. (This is what my adoptive parents have told me.)

I know little about her except that she was full blooded Korean and my bio-father is German and a few other things.

I've never really had any desire to search for them, though maybe one day I will. My parents told me that they would help if I ever wanted to.

 

[WhiteRose]

My thoughts on the "privacy" issue.

I think all adoption records should be open at the time the child turns 18. NOBODY should have the right to prevent someone from knowing his own biological history. It is OUR history to know.

Rights of the birthparents: You gave birth to a child. You gave that child up. You were the "adult" (yes, I realize some birthmothers are not of legal age, but most actually are). You were the one with the power here to make this decision and you made it consciously. You signed that piece of paper. You took on that responsibility of bringing a child into this world when that could have been prevented. You get the responsibility of facing that child one day even if it messes up your day. You dealt with it once, you can deal with it again. You owe your child that. Might not be fair, but neither is being put up for adoption and having NO say in the decision-making and having NO knowledge of one's own history, and not just for the adoptee, but for every generation that follows him.

But, I think the right to know has to be up to the adoptee. OBVIOUSLY a birthmother knows she gave a child up for adoption, but not all adoptees know they were adopted (shame on their adoptive parents for not telling them!), but for someone, a virtual stranger, to walk up to someone else and tear their world apart like that, is not right. And too, there are the rights of the birthFATHERS that have to be considered, because many of them don't know they've fathered a child at all (and yes, they should have the right to know.)

I wasn't sure I was going to announce who I was when I did find my birthmother, though it's something I'd thought about for years. Like I said earlier, I didn't WANT to intrude on her life (who knows if she'd told he present husband or kids that she'd given a baby up...it would mess things up for her, and I didn't want that). At each step of the search procedure, you can stop. You don't have to go all the way. If my sister hadn't told me that not only did they KNOW about me, but that they'd wondered where I was and everyone in the family knew what had happened, I'm not sure what I would have done, whether I'd have told her or not. Maybe it would have been enough just to see my mother from across the street or even just to know about her life, what she does for a living or even just to see a picture of her without making contact. But yes, I do feel it would have been within my rights to do so if I chose to.

Each state dictates whether adoption records will be open or closed, and if opened, at what age the adoptee can access them. Likewise there are reunion agencies that you can contact through the state social services to assist you (and some can be found online, but they usually cost quite a bit, and sometimes you have to sign a statement agreeing to be used for publicity). Almost all reunion agencies work pretty much the same way. You (either the adoptee, birthparent, or adoptive parents) contact the agency and notify them of your desire to search. The agency, if they can, will contact the person you are looking for and ask if they are open to further contact by you. That person has the right to refuse or accept. If they refuse, no information will be given out.

There IS a difference in how state and private adoptions are run, though. State adoptions are strictly regulated, and all identifying information is sealed (either forever, or in some states, until the adoptee is of age). Private adoptions, handled by attorneys, can be very open adoptions or closed adoptions. Sometimes the information about the birthfamilies is given to the adoptive family, and sometimes the birthmother does not want that information released. However, it's usually a lot easier to get that information in cases of private adoptions either way. (I used to have fantasies of getting a job in the State Records department just to break into the files and looking at my sealed records.)

In today's climate of "everything recordable being found online", it isn't that hard to track someone down. You just need to know the questions to ask and where to look. The amount of information about all of us that is readily available to ANYONE'S perusal is kind of scary.

---

One thing to consider if you have a search on hold because you aren't SURE if you want to know or not or if you aren't sure how it's going to affect that other person, is that time passes. And the older you get, the older your parents are getting. If you want to know...ASK. Before it's too late. Before there's nobody left to ask. Even if it's something you aren't sure you want to know, your children might, or their children. And it's their biological history too.

Even finding out that the person who gave birth to you isn't such a great person after all...at least you found out. And it won't change the person you are, but it will give you closure. I spent my whole young life with a hole in my heart that wouldn't mend. Like some vital part of me was missing. I can't remember what that felt like now that I've solved "the mystery". I do wish that I'd found them earlier and had been able to meet my grandparents, but both sets of grandparents had passed away by the time I found my birthparents.

And I found my brother just in time, and I have that one precious conversation with him to remember him by, the sound of his voice, his laughter, the way he just embraced me as his sister. We talked about our likes and dislikes, his hobbies, my hobbies, his dreams and my dreams. And I do wish we'd had more time together, think about us growing up together, but he'll always be a sunny smile in my heart.

 

[WhiteRose]

hehe Bussssssssssty (from one breasty lady to another) Just had to do that...

(quote]They tell me that when they came to meet me, I ran behind the couch to hide and laughed. Lol I seem to remember writing a story about it in first grade or something... By the time I turned 3, I'd been adopted and went home with my folks wearing a red- and white-checked dress and some belongings... [/quote]
I love this memory of yours! I was too little for any memories that make sense, but my parents tell me that they'd actually been up to receive a Native American baby boy, but right before their appointment, the agency called them to tell them a Native American family had applied, so they sent the baby to them. (My parents had applied for adoption in the county, inter-agency, in the state, and internationally, so they had all their bets covered.) And when they got the call to come get me, they had no crib, no baby stuff, nothing ready, so on the way to pick me up (about a 4 hour drive from where they lived), they had to stop and buy whatever they could find so they'd be ready first thing in the morning when they showed up for the appointment (they weren't a little too anxious )

Actually, my records were pretty closed. I still can't get access to my original birth certificate, and they won't release it even if I get both my birthfather and my birth mother to write letters letting them know that I KNOW all the information. Geez, it's MY birth certificate... I even wrote and listed all the information on the original and told them all I want is that piece of paper, but no go. I'd have to go to court to get it, and I probably will someday unless California opens its records *crosses fingers*

The only information my parents received at my adoption was a hospital info sheet showing my length and weight and status at birth, then again a month later. And the birthparent general information (no identifying information, not even the state where my parents were born or their birthdates...in California that is considered identifying info. In Colorado, that information is not considered identifying, and the adoptee can have access to it.) But they'd also kept all court records regarding the adoption (my dad is a major packrat when it comes to "important papers"). Each state determines what pieces of documentation are filed for adoptions. In Hawai'i, the records are sealed, but they also release a lot less in the way of documentation. You CAN get court records in every state, it's just that not everyone saves that information, and attorney's offices and hospitals are only required to keep old files for 10 years (at least at they time of my initial search, that was the limit). So for an adoptee, if the attorney dumps his records 10 years after the adoption, that kid is SOL when he turns 18.

The most common response you'd get when contacting a hospital about old records is "they were stored in a warehouse that burned". Do not ask me why. I ran up against this twice during my search. I was born in a teeny tiny clinic in a small town, but was transferred soon after birth to the local large hospital about 20 minutes away. Oddly enough, the first time I contacted the clinic..."There is no record of a baby girl born on that day" (okay, I'm pretty sure I'm female). My second attempt. "The records were burned in a warehouse fire." The third time I contacted them ('tis best to double check things with a month or two between contacts to see if you can get more info out of them ) they said all the records had been sent to the big hospital. So I contact the big hospital. All the records had been burned. hrm... am sensing a pattern here. Then I got my doctor to request all birth records from the hospital on her offical letterhead, and they sent her a response that without a mother's name, they could not find the info (baby's birth records are under the mother's name...learned a new thing). So when I finally HAD her info, I didn't need anything from the hospital anyway.

If that first court assistant HADN'T sent me the wrong copy of the adoption decree, I would probably never had been able to find my birthparents. That was the piece, because it listed my birthname (the one my birthmother put on my original birth certificate), that led to finding my legal father's initials and last name and my birthmother's maiden name...just the last name! (in the California Birth Index...not open to the public), that led to me getting their marriage certificate once I realized I needed to look in Hawai'i, that led to me finding HIM once I had his full name, that led to me finding my sister.

But remember, I'd had a lot of experience with this type of research working with my dad's genealogy since I was in 8th grade. I'd spent a lot of time in the genealogical section in different libraries, including the Mormon library in Los Angeles, which has a huge genealogical department and great info for both genealogical and adoption searches, and I knew where to get the information and what information is listed on what documents and what types of questions to ask, and it was just a matter of learning what documents were applicable to the adoption process in California. And reading or watching a lot of mysteries and doing logic puzzles really did help You have to gather all the pieces up, keep them organized, and shift them around trying to find what goes with what, and what possible scenarios could fit the data you have. And be able to look at things from another point of view if the pieces don't seem to be adding up quite right.

One quick place to look for your birth certificate is if you know what hospital you were born in. They should have a hospital birth certificate (not the official state one), but most places will accept that in lieu of an official state certificate.

 

[WhiteRose]

Oh yah! Not that I haven't written ENOUGH in this thread...

My birthfather and I started working on our OWN genealogy (the Basque/Spanish side)! We've gotten quite a bit done, and a cousin on his father's side has been working on it of and on with us. And...the cousin that I met in Hawai'i has been working on that side of the family (have to figure out everything exactly for the Hawaiian Homelands Act, etc.), and I spent an evening at her house taking all kinds of notes and got hold of a copy of one of the censuses from the area at one of the local museum bookstores, that gives a lot of genealogical information.

I really enjoyed working on my father's, but now I can finally do my OWN!

 

[BustyTheClown]

Lol Rose, I'm not sure I'd ever be able to fully respond to everything you've shared here, but I'll just say a few brief things about things you said that really stuck out at me... First of all, I'm totally with you on the birthparents not being able to refuse contact with their child, and that records should be open to the adopted child after a certain point. I don't think people who aren't adopted can even fathom what it's like to know that I'll probably never know all the details of how I came to be where I am, or that if I never meet my biological parents, there's a LOT of stuff I won't know about them and about myself. It frustrates me so much sometimes, but the idea of trying to find all that information is so daunting that I just can't muster the courage to take up any searches...

That sure is a strange thing about adoption records (right?) mysteriously being burned, lol... I feel like there's just so much crap for them to look through that they'd rather just say it isn't there than take the time look for it... Another reason why we should be given this information at some point in our lives -- less paper for them to have around. Lol it kind of irks me that they think they can just destroy stuff like that before those of us who might find that information quite crucial (or at the very least interesting) are old enough to have access to it. How would they feel if all their early important papers were destroyed? People probably don't realize how special it is to have those until they're lost or something.

Um.... I'm tired so I'm spacing out about everything you've said... sorry. :> lol I just wanted to say that you shouldn't feel self-conscious about posting so much on here. I think it's great that you've found a place to share thoughts and experiences that are obviously very important to you. Please keep sharing, your comments are greatly appreciated.

 

[BlondGirl]

<----- Birthparent here

But I will write about my POV later when I am not falling asleep at the computer.

(I think my sig line indicates my triad status and the most important aspect rather clearly. You know, the "L" word.)

 

[Synnerman]

I read with interest the above accounts and there is much to coment on but I will limit myself to 1. I believe the adopted child should have the absolute right to all existing information. I believe that it should be a matter of law to have a complete disclosure in writing in case the one with the info should pass before the child reaches their majority.
That's just my opinion.

I was adopted also but mine is a totally different story from the normal.
I came from a broken home along with an older, by two years, brother, We spent a very short time in a home because it was hard for Mom to get a job at first. During that short stay in the home Mom got a good job and to our delight found a good man. I was 5 and my brother was 7. As a couple they took us from the home each weekend. Mom bought a house my brother and I moved in and soon after Mom married that good man.
My brother and I were old enough to have known our birth father and he continued to be a part of our lives. Visits and outings and such. You all know the drill. But things were different now. We called our birth father by name and this new guy was Dad. Make no mistake here. He was Dad. In everything the name is supposed to mean he was Dad.
The years passed and our bio father died when I was 16. By now I had a brother and two sisters age 9 and 7. Well, actually half sisters but that is mentioned only for clarification. They are our sisters.
My brother asked me one day after we were both of legal age if I ever got tired of him and I having a different last name than the other four in the family. I said I did and he said why don't we have our name changed legally. Sounded great to me so we put the question to Mom and Dad.
They were elated. Dad had always wanted to adopt us but since we knew our bio father they couldn't figure out how to bring up the subject.
My fingers are tired so here is the rest.
They did. We consented. One last name. Happy ever after. The end.

One last bit of advice. Don't wait, tell them now. Look for them now. Don't wait just to find a gravestone.

 

[BustyTheClown]

Thank you for sharing, synnerman, and congrats on all of you becoming one big happy family.

 

[Richard49]

yup

My mother was 15 in July....I was born in Sept just 3 days after her mother married again to a man that did not know my mom was PG........is that clear as mud?

Her mom and that man adopted me......

My biological mom married a couple years later and went on to have 5 more children......

Only one of them speaks to me.......she thinks of me as her brother even though we grew up in seperate house holds......

The rest want nothing to do with me on any level........

Even though I am 52 years old, a VN vet etc. I still deal with lots of abandoment and loneliness issues....

Maybe that is one of the reasons I have been going through so much pain since my SO of 13 years (wife of 9 and collored sub) deserted me........

Richard
Dom in Michigan

 

[Richard49]

PS

My mother died when I was 24...we were just getting to know each other as adult to adult......

She drank herself to death

 

[kotori]

Adult Adoptee

As many of you know (at least those of you who have read things I've posted), I was born in Ireland. I came to the States through adoption. I was 15-months old, this was in 1958.

I knew all my life, but it wasn't until I reached puberty that I put two-and-two together and figured out just what the term "bastard" meant to me personally. I spent many years wondering about my natural parents.

In 1993, my a-dad died. In 1996, I asked my a-mom for my "real" name, and wrote for my original birth cert. In November 1998 I read a letter to the editor of The Irish Times from the president of the Natural Parents Network of Ireland. I wrote her for info, and was on the search.

In November 2000, I met my natural mother for the first time in over 40-years. We got together again last November for a long weekend.

It's been great for me, and I think for her as well, but she still has lots of shame and fear--she's married and has other children, and has never told her husband of my existance. That was Ireland in the 1950s and '60s. But my b-mum calls me every couple of weeks (when himself is up to the local for his pint), and we're getting on well, I think.

My s/o thinks I have "issues" lot's of repressed anger over the "abandonment" etc. She maybe right. It's hard--it's not perfect. As my b-mum has her family, I have my a-family: they haven't been crazy about the idea, and I've stopped talking to them about it.

So, there you are.