Is 24/7 healthy....or even possible?

[ObsidianRose]

I was thinking about this while laying in bed this morning (where I do most of my thinking. LOL)

Having recently ended a very long-term vanilla relatonship, it occured to me that I am now free to explore the type of relationship that will feed my soul - a real-time, full-time, healthy well-balanced D/s relationship. I had to ask myself if this is what I really wanted. I have concluded, unequivocally, that this is precisely what I want. But it leads me to question:

Are 24/7 D/s relationships healthy....or even possible? Do they really exist in their truest form?

It would seem to me that a 24/7 arrangement might not necessarily be healthy. Being Dominant or submissive may be who we are whether or not we are in a relationship (for instance, being submissive is a state of being for me, not merely a character to be played). When we choose to enter a relationship, however, we inherently take on certain roles.

Is it healthy to maintain those roles 24/7? Is there ever a time when we should break out of those roles and simply be Jim and Miranda, on equal footing, and not Master Jim and his pet/slave/little girl, etc?

I've never been in a full time D/s relationship, but I wonder if, even though I am submissive, I can play the role of the submissive with all the pomp and cirumstance all the time. Frankly, I don't even know if it is possible...or healthy.

For instance, no one, not even the strongest of Dominants, can be strong all the time. It simply isn't possible. A relationship is best served when one person can make up for a weakness in the other. Since we know that submission is not equal to weakness, should there not be a time when a struggling Dominant can (should??) shed his armour and role of Controller/Protector/Master of the Universe, and allow himself to be vulnerable so that his other half can exercise her own strentgh and comfort him and hold him up for a time, in whatever way he requires (taking the lead on some decisions, etc) so that he might be refreshed and replinished? The term Dominant Drop comes to mind here. Is it possible that, at times, the term subSpace might mean that you need to give your sub a little Space so that she can breathe and make her own decisions? Must the roles always be so hard and fast?

Also, should there be a time when there are no roles? If a submissive is royally pissed, should there not be times when she is not required to obey the protocol and is free to simply let herself vent, cuss, swear, tell her partner that she wants to kick him in the nuts because he's being such a jerk? Can they not be Jim and Miranda Vanilla and go bowling?

Obviously this situations can apply in reverse; as we all know that not all Dominants are male.

I know every relationship is different, so there is no need to qualify your answers, but I'm curious to know your thoughts as individuals. Is it desireable, healthy, or even possible to be so wrapped up in your respective roles 24/7??

Your thoughts?

 

[catalina_francisco]

Due to the lateness of the hour, best answer I can give you without going into lengthy replies is I think you have misunderstood 24/7, as do many, if you think it is about pomp and ceremony anytime, let alone all the time. There is this myth out there, borne largely of porn sites and people who like to feed the myth, that 24/7 requires the Dominant to be standing whip in hand 24 hours a day, while slave/submissive is on their knees for a somewhat equal amount of time. No wonder you ask if it is acceptable to go bowling...why wouldn't it be? It doesn't mean you have to drop those roles while you are out, nor does it mean you have to advertise it to everyone you are with who may not understand or be so tolerant. It is about reality and wearing the roles (for want of a better word) comfortably, not to fulfil a false image designed to make money for those who promote it and feed the fantasy factories.

Catalina

 

[Recidiva]

I think it will completely depend on whether your role fuels you or drains you.

If it makes you feel more yourself, why not 24/7?

If, however, you use it to blow off steam or to address certain emotional needs that aren't constant, then it'll be draining.

Finding someone on about the same charge rate is good.

 

[rosco rathbone]

Like to hear stirbird on this one.

 

[O'Mac]

I know I could never remain Dominant in a 24/7 relationship. After a while I think I would just become to bored with the routine and would want a change. That's not to say I wouldn't be interested in...say having a collar permanently attached to someone or setting aside a specific time during the day for BDSM activities. It's just that personally I wouldn't enjoy it as much and pragmatically it wouldn't work on the income I have.

 

[ObsidianRose]

Due to the lateness of the hour, best answer I can give you without going into lengthy replies is I think you have misunderstood 24/7, as do many, if you think it is about pomp and ceremony anytime, let alone all the time. There is this myth out there, borne largely of porn sites and people who like to feed the myth, that 24/7 requires the Dominant to be standing whip in hand 24 hours a day, while slave/submissive is on their knees for a somewhat equal amount of time. No wonder you ask if it is acceptable to go bowling...why wouldn't it be? It doesn't mean you have to drop those roles while you are out, nor does it mean you have to advertise it to everyone you are with who may not understand or be so tolerant. It is about reality and wearing the roles (for want of a better word) comfortably, not to fulfil a false image designed to make money for those who promote it and feed the fantasy factories.

Catalina

Thanks for your response, Catalina. Foruntately, I've never though this is what a D/s relationship is or should be. But I know there are others who do. Who want to be so completely immersed in the fantasy....completely neglecting the reality of day-to-day life. I don't really believe it's possible to do that...but there are some who claim they have. I can't see how it can be healthy.

It was my hope that the post would prompt some discussion. Here's to hoping!

 

[catalina_francisco]

Thanks for your response, Catalina. Foruntately, I've never though this is what a D/s relationship is or should be. But I know there are others who do. Who want to be so completely immersed in the fantasy....completely neglecting the reality of day-to-day life. I don't really believe it's possible to do that...but there are some who claim they have. I can't see how it can be healthy.

It was my hope that the post would prompt some discussion. Here's to hoping!

Well I guess it depends who is in it as to whether it is healthy. For us, neither of us desired anything else...while 24/7 may seem draining to you at the moment, for us it seemed it would be draining to be having to flick the switch back and forth all the time and trying to decide when we were 'on' and when we were 'off' and act accordingly. I guess for us that seemed too much like playing a role, 24/7 seemed to be living real in the way which was authentic for us. It works, we are happy.

Catalina

 

[graceanne]

No matter what lifestyle you live in you will always find people who want to live in a fantasy of some sort. Their's the die hard D&Ders, the ones who live and breath that card game, Magik. The trekkies who will only speak in klingon . . . you get the point. Yes, some bdsmer live in fantasy land all the time, it's their way of dealing with things. Not healthy, but common.

On this, me and Cat always agree. Even in a 24/7 relationship you aren't always in role. It's not possible, cause no matter what you still have to deal with normal, common issues. Like backed up toilets and the flu and school recitals . . . you get the idea. It doesn't mean you're not 24/7 if you aren't always in role, it means your living in reality, not in some fantasy in your head.

 

[cleverest_devil]

Yes you would sometimes just be Jim and Nancy, but the difficult thing is that a Top may feel more aggressive when aroused and for the few moments that he's feeling around for what kind of sex you'll be having, some of the more aggressive D/s behavior might come out. The problem is that feeling horny is common when he loves his woman

 

[D's mariposa]

Hi Obsidian...

Yes it is possible to live a 24/7 lifestyle, and it is healthy. I am in a better place emotionally and mentally since I moved in with My Master. That's the short answer. Here comes the long answer.

My submissiveness is not a role. It is a strong aspect of my personality. It is who I am. It is not draining for me to be myself. Before I moved in with (and later married) Him, I was living with a sibling and her husband and child. Her then husband was/is ill with Gulf War Syndrome. (they have divorced and he has moved to a city with a better veteran's hospital so he has improved a lot. We're all still friends.) My sister and I worked opposite shifts; during the day, I was working a very stressful and emotionally draining job, where I had to fiercely guard the submissive aspects of my personality. Even vanilla people can sense submissiveness and they can and will use it against you, whether they are conscious of it or not. When I got home, I was literally the second parent of a small child and a nurse/cook/housekeeper/chief bottle washer as my sister went to work at night. Remember what I said about people taking advantage of us? My family did. And I let them. Eventually, though, things changed. My health went to pot, and we had to get additional help for my brother in law.

I am now in a less stressfully job and it's a pleasure to come home and let my hair down. I still have to guard my submission in my job, but I'm not repressing that part of my personality 24/7 anymore. I am able to live as I am designed and it is very freeing. I do not feel that submission is a role I play; the work face that I put on with my make-up every morning IS a role and I play it well. But it's wonderful to only have to do it at outside the home.

Now then, the D/s aspect of our relationship ebbs and flows with life. If high protocol is a 10 and a low protocol is a 1, we operate between a 5 and a 7 most of the time. Weekends kick up to about 9-10 ish. When my mum had surgery last month and I was involved with my family a lot, it dropped to about 2 ish.

You replied to cat saying that you don't expect it to be all Scene, all the time, which is a good thing, but a lot of people assume that it is. It's not. For example, He is always Sir at home; and His first name in public. I always serve him first. He gets first dibs on the shower in the morning and possession of the remote. He doesn't do the dishes. He frequently asks for my input and opinion on stuff, but ultimately, most things are His decision. He will not make unilateral decisions that affect my job, my other family members who have not consented to this sort of relationship with Him, or decisions that affect my long term health. Aside from reminding me that workaholics tend to die young and all that! Yes, I am a workaholic, and I tend to place myself dead last on my priority list so sometimes He does overrule me in that regard.

Sometimes He doesn't feel like making all the decisions, so He tells me to do it. And I do. He doesn't have to make all the decisions or be in charge 100 percent of the time. He doesn't like to micro-manage either. Again, this is a stereotype we see on line a lot. As an example...

Domly Dom: Slave, go make me bacon and eggs.
Slave: Yes Master, but WHICH two eggs shall this one fry?
D D: The two left-most eggs on the top row of the egg carton.
S: I hear and obey. Toast or biscuits?
D D: toast
S: But WHICH two slices of bread shall this one use?
D D: The two in the end of the loaf closest to the opening.
S: Shall I butter from left to right or right to left?
D D: Start in the middle and work out in circles.
S: Must this girl wear an apron when she frys Your bacon?
D D: Yes, you haven't earned the pain yet...

It's more like, "I'm ready for breakfast." So I go make Him breakfast. Doms don't have to be actively in charge and managing all the time and most of the ones I know don't want to be bothered with that.

He also doesn't expect me to be Perfect Subbie all the time. I get PMS, I get sick, sometimes asthma kicks my ass, sometimes it's all I can do to stick with the Yes Sirs and the No Sirs and all that. And He's fine with that, and when I have been sick, He has taken care of me instead of the other way around.

I suppose if a person is all hung up on the mystique and the "role playing" that some indulge in and the romance (barf) of it all, then yes, it does seem like a fantasy and it would get hard to live with. But when it's not a role, when it (it being the D or the s) is something you are and not a role you play, it is a very freeing and satisfying relationship. I couldn't live any other way.

 

[His_pita]

Due to the lateness of the hour, best answer I can give you without going into lengthy replies is I think you have misunderstood 24/7, as do many, if you think it is about pomp and ceremony anytime, let alone all the time. There is this myth out there, borne largely of porn sites and people who like to feed the myth, that 24/7 requires the Dominant to be standing whip in hand 24 hours a day, while slave/submissive is on their knees for a somewhat equal amount of time. No wonder you ask if it is acceptable to go bowling...why wouldn't it be? It doesn't mean you have to drop those roles while you are out, nor does it mean you have to advertise it to everyone you are with who may not understand or be so tolerant. It is about reality and wearing the roles (for want of a better word) comfortably, not to fulfil a false image designed to make money for those who promote it and feed the fantasy factories.

Catalina

Exactly! I have been living 24/7 a very short time now and it's not a "role" that we put on or take off. Although we certainly having our fun role-playing. But, our being dominate and submissive is who we are. We are also Joe and pita who deal with a teenager, clean house and like today go car shopping. We live life while I wear his collar and while he is always my Sir.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Hi Obsidian...

Yes it is possible to live a 24/7 lifestyle, and it is healthy. I am in a better place emotionally and mentally since I moved in with My Master. That's the short answer. Here comes the long answer.

My submissiveness is not a role. It is a strong aspect of my personality. It is who I am. It is not draining for me to be myself. Before I moved in with (and later married) Him, I was living with a sibling and her husband and child. Her then husband was/is ill with Gulf War Syndrome. (they have divorced and he has moved to a city with a better veteran's hospital so he has improved a lot. We're all still friends.) My sister and I worked opposite shifts; during the day, I was working a very stressful and emotionally draining job, where I had to fiercely guard the submissive aspects of my personality. Even vanilla people can sense submissiveness and they can and will use it against you, whether they are conscious of it or not. When I got home, I was literally the second parent of a small child and a nurse/cook/housekeeper/chief bottle washer as my sister went to work at night. Remember what I said about people taking advantage of us? My family did. And I let them. Eventually, though, things changed. My health went to pot, and we had to get additional help for my brother in law.

I am now in a less stressfully job and it's a pleasure to come home and let my hair down. I still have to guard my submission in my job, but I'm not repressing that part of my personality 24/7 anymore. I am able to live as I am designed and it is very freeing. I do not feel that submission is a role I play; the work face that I put on with my make-up every morning IS a role and I play it well. But it's wonderful to only have to do it at outside the home.

Now then, the D/s aspect of our relationship ebbs and flows with life. If high protocol is a 10 and a low protocol is a 1, we operate between a 5 and a 7 most of the time. Weekends kick up to about 9-10 ish. When my mum had surgery last month and I was involved with my family a lot, it dropped to about 2 ish.

You replied to cat saying that you don't expect it to be all Scene, all the time, which is a good thing, but a lot of people assume that it is. It's not. For example, He is always Sir at home; and His first name in public. I always serve him first. He gets first dibs on the shower in the morning and possession of the remote. He doesn't do the dishes. He frequently asks for my input and opinion on stuff, but ultimately, most things are His decision. He will not make unilateral decisions that affect my job, my other family members who have not consented to this sort of relationship with Him, or decisions that affect my long term health. Aside from reminding me that workaholics tend to die young and all that! Yes, I am a workaholic, and I tend to place myself dead last on my priority list so sometimes He does overrule me in that regard.

Sometimes He doesn't feel like making all the decisions, so He tells me to do it. And I do. He doesn't have to make all the decisions or be in charge 100 percent of the time. He doesn't like to micro-manage either. Again, this is a stereotype we see on line a lot. As an example...

Domly Dom: Slave, go make me bacon and eggs.
Slave: Yes Master, but WHICH two eggs shall this one fry?
D D: The two left-most eggs on the top row of the egg carton.
S: I hear and obey. Toast or biscuits?
D D: toast
S: But WHICH two slices of bread shall this one use?
D D: The two in the end of the loaf closest to the opening.
S: Shall I butter from left to right or right to left?
D D: Start in the middle and work out in circles.
S: Must this girl wear an apron when she frys Your bacon?
D D: Yes, you haven't earned the pain yet...

It's more like, "I'm ready for breakfast." So I go make Him breakfast. Doms don't have to be actively in charge and managing all the time and most of the ones I know don't want to be bothered with that.

He also doesn't expect me to be Perfect Subbie all the time. I get PMS, I get sick, sometimes asthma kicks my ass, sometimes it's all I can do to stick with the Yes Sirs and the No Sirs and all that. And He's fine with that, and when I have been sick, He has taken care of me instead of the other way around.

I suppose if a person is all hung up on the mystique and the "role playing" that some indulge in and the romance (barf) of it all, then yes, it does seem like a fantasy and it would get hard to live with. But when it's not a role, when it (it being the D or the s) is something you are and not a role you play, it is a very freeing and satisfying relationship. I couldn't live any other way.

Excellent post firmly planted in reality!!

Catalina

 

[catalina_francisco]

Exactly! I have been living 24/7 a very short time now and it's not a "role" that we put on or take off. Although we certainly having our fun role-playing. But, our being dominate and submissive is who we are. We are also Joe and pita who deal with a teenager, clean house and like today go car shopping. We live life while I wear his collar and while he is always my Sir.

I am happy for you both that you have finally begun this stage of your journey and are enjoying it so much. Hmmm, car shopping must be going around.

Catalina

 

[Missingmeds]

Hi Obsidian...

Yes it is possible to live a 24/7 lifestyle, and it is healthy. I am in a better place emotionally and mentally since I moved in with My Master. That's the short answer. Here comes the long answer.

My submissiveness is not a role. It is a strong aspect of my personality. It is who I am. It is not draining for me to be myself. Before I moved in with (and later married) Him, I was living with a sibling and her husband and child. Her then husband was/is ill with Gulf War Syndrome. (they have divorced and he has moved to a city with a better veteran's hospital so he has improved a lot. We're all still friends.) My sister and I worked opposite shifts; during the day, I was working a very stressful and emotionally draining job, where I had to fiercely guard the submissive aspects of my personality. Even vanilla people can sense submissiveness and they can and will use it against you, whether they are conscious of it or not. When I got home, I was literally the second parent of a small child and a nurse/cook/housekeeper/chief bottle washer as my sister went to work at night. Remember what I said about people taking advantage of us? My family did. And I let them. Eventually, though, things changed. My health went to pot, and we had to get additional help for my brother in law.

I am now in a less stressfully job and it's a pleasure to come home and let my hair down. I still have to guard my submission in my job, but I'm not repressing that part of my personality 24/7 anymore. I am able to live as I am designed and it is very freeing. I do not feel that submission is a role I play; the work face that I put on with my make-up every morning IS a role and I play it well. But it's wonderful to only have to do it at outside the home.

Now then, the D/s aspect of our relationship ebbs and flows with life. If high protocol is a 10 and a low protocol is a 1, we operate between a 5 and a 7 most of the time. Weekends kick up to about 9-10 ish. When my mum had surgery last month and I was involved with my family a lot, it dropped to about 2 ish.

You replied to cat saying that you don't expect it to be all Scene, all the time, which is a good thing, but a lot of people assume that it is. It's not. For example, He is always Sir at home; and His first name in public. I always serve him first. He gets first dibs on the shower in the morning and possession of the remote. He doesn't do the dishes. He frequently asks for my input and opinion on stuff, but ultimately, most things are His decision. He will not make unilateral decisions that affect my job, my other family members who have not consented to this sort of relationship with Him, or decisions that affect my long term health. Aside from reminding me that workaholics tend to die young and all that! Yes, I am a workaholic, and I tend to place myself dead last on my priority list so sometimes He does overrule me in that regard.

Sometimes He doesn't feel like making all the decisions, so He tells me to do it. And I do. He doesn't have to make all the decisions or be in charge 100 percent of the time. He doesn't like to micro-manage either. Again, this is a stereotype we see on line a lot. As an example...

Domly Dom: Slave, go make me bacon and eggs.
Slave: Yes Master, but WHICH two eggs shall this one fry?
D D: The two left-most eggs on the top row of the egg carton.
S: I hear and obey. Toast or biscuits?
D D: toast
S: But WHICH two slices of bread shall this one use?
D D: The two in the end of the loaf closest to the opening.
S: Shall I butter from left to right or right to left?
D D: Start in the middle and work out in circles.
S: Must this girl wear an apron when she frys Your bacon?
D D: Yes, you haven't earned the pain yet...

It's more like, "I'm ready for breakfast." So I go make Him breakfast. Doms don't have to be actively in charge and managing all the time and most of the ones I know don't want to be bothered with that.

He also doesn't expect me to be Perfect Subbie all the time. I get PMS, I get sick, sometimes asthma kicks my ass, sometimes it's all I can do to stick with the Yes Sirs and the No Sirs and all that. And He's fine with that, and when I have been sick, He has taken care of me instead of the other way around.

I suppose if a person is all hung up on the mystique and the "role playing" that some indulge in and the romance (barf) of it all, then yes, it does seem like a fantasy and it would get hard to live with. But when it's not a role, when it (it being the D or the s) is something you are and not a role you play, it is a very freeing and satisfying relationship. I couldn't live any other way.

A very excellent post that I feel perfectly describes what 24/7 means to most couples.

 

[Quint]

The only thing I want to add is that thinking in "shoulds" is an open invitation to force yourself to conform to some label or other. Try to focus instead on "what makes me and my partner happy/fulfilled?" I was telling myself I should be feeling a certain way, reacting a certain way, trying to conform to what the Ideal Submissive should be doing. It's not honest and it's total stress. Take each situation and experience how you truly react to it. That's what you should be doing.

 

[Olivia_Yearns]

If a submissive is royally pissed, should there not be times when she is not required to obey the protocol and is free to simply let herself vent, cuss, swear, tell her partner that she wants to kick him in the nuts because he's being such a jerk.

Some of ObsidanRose's quesitons were so well answered by D's mariposa, I thought. But this one - how do you deal with anger - is so interesting to me. I'd like to try what I imagine could happen, and those of you who have experience, let me know if I'm on track, ok?
I imagine that, in my most submissive mode, I would express anger by behaving obidiently, but with slightly different attitude. More pouty. So when I'm happy, I love to do as I'm told, but when I'm angry, I do it glumly, without the joy. I imagine that a loving dom is, ultimately, committed to taking care of his sub. So if she is unhappy, he will respond, but on his terms. So, in order to keep the relationship strong, he will permit her to say what she is upset about. The sub position means she can express her anger, but on his terms. Is that how it works out? I really lack experience.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Some of ObsidanRose's quesitons were so well answered by D's mariposa, I thought. But this one - how do you deal with anger - is so interesting to me. I'd like to try what I imagine could happen, and those of you who have experience, let me know if I'm on track, ok?
I imagine that, in my most submissive mode, I would express anger by behaving obidiently, but with slightly different attitude. More pouty. So when I'm happy, I love to do as I'm told, but when I'm angry, I do it glumly, without the joy. I imagine that a loving dom is, ultimately, committed to taking care of his sub. So if she is unhappy, he will respond, but on his terms. So, in order to keep the relationship strong, he will permit her to say what she is upset about. The sub position means she can express her anger, but on his terms. Is that how it works out? I really lack experience.

Guess it depends on the people involved. We are both highly emotional characters, and at first he felt it was more acceptable for him because of his Spanish blood....hmm, well as time progressed, he realised I was just as emotional, if not more so at times, and that expecting me to hold it in and dress it in pretty submissive phrases just was not going to always work. I sometimes keep it hidden well, I sometimes explode, I sometimes manage to be more calm and rational in expressing what is bothering me...whichever way it goes, we work through it. He listens most times, but he has the ultimate say in all things, so sometimes after he has listened, he just reminds me it is still going to go his way...sometimes he sees sense in what I have said and will take it into consideration.

Catalina

 

[Recidiva]

Some of ObsidanRose's quesitons were so well answered by D's mariposa, I thought. But this one - how do you deal with anger - is so interesting to me. I'd like to try what I imagine could happen, and those of you who have experience, let me know if I'm on track, ok?
I imagine that, in my most submissive mode, I would express anger by behaving obidiently, but with slightly different attitude. More pouty. So when I'm happy, I love to do as I'm told, but when I'm angry, I do it glumly, without the joy. I imagine that a loving dom is, ultimately, committed to taking care of his sub. So if she is unhappy, he will respond, but on his terms. So, in order to keep the relationship strong, he will permit her to say what she is upset about. The sub position means she can express her anger, but on his terms. Is that how it works out? I really lack experience.

I think I don't express anger often, not because I don't have it, but because I get stupid when I'm experiencing it.

My husband and I both share a particularly "fuck off" characteristic where if we are not addressed with respect or care, we tend to write the person off until respect returns.

Anger can feel like someone's applying undue pressure and we both respond to that in the same way we would someone hitting us with an ultimatum. "Fuck you." Silence. We can talk when we calm down. Fortunately we also have good senses of humor and perspective, so it won't take long until someone figures out they're being an idiot and will likely apologize with the first sign of the other one taking even mild offense.

We're sorta the immovable object and the irresistable force, we have enough respect to not deliberately do anything to piss the other person off, because with his temper issues and my tendency to verbally flay, we'd both really rather not go there.

That might make us naturally more formal and polite in a way, but it suits us because it's just where we both naturally like in attitude. I'm more likely to express anger than he is, but I also take it more lightly than he does. He says I just don't make him angry. I take great care not to.

At my angriest is when I know I need to take the greatest care to not let slip a word out of place. So no outer signals at all that I'm angry so that technically, it appears I don't have a temper, I have a point.

 

[Netzach]

Hi Obsidian...

Yes it is possible to live a 24/7 lifestyle, and it is healthy. I am in a better place emotionally and mentally since I moved in with My Master. That's the short answer. Here comes the long answer.

My submissiveness is not a role. It is a strong aspect of my personality. It is who I am. It is not draining for me to be myself. Before I moved in with (and later married) Him, I was living with a sibling and her husband and child. Her then husband was/is ill with Gulf War Syndrome. (they have divorced and he has moved to a city with a better veteran's hospital so he has improved a lot. We're all still friends.) My sister and I worked opposite shifts; during the day, I was working a very stressful and emotionally draining job, where I had to fiercely guard the submissive aspects of my personality. Even vanilla people can sense submissiveness and they can and will use it against you, whether they are conscious of it or not. When I got home, I was literally the second parent of a small child and a nurse/cook/housekeeper/chief bottle washer as my sister went to work at night. Remember what I said about people taking advantage of us? My family did. And I let them. Eventually, though, things changed. My health went to pot, and we had to get additional help for my brother in law.

I am now in a less stressfully job and it's a pleasure to come home and let my hair down. I still have to guard my submission in my job, but I'm not repressing that part of my personality 24/7 anymore. I am able to live as I am designed and it is very freeing. I do not feel that submission is a role I play; the work face that I put on with my make-up every morning IS a role and I play it well. But it's wonderful to only have to do it at outside the home.

Now then, the D/s aspect of our relationship ebbs and flows with life. If high protocol is a 10 and a low protocol is a 1, we operate between a 5 and a 7 most of the time. Weekends kick up to about 9-10 ish. When my mum had surgery last month and I was involved with my family a lot, it dropped to about 2 ish.

You replied to cat saying that you don't expect it to be all Scene, all the time, which is a good thing, but a lot of people assume that it is. It's not. For example, He is always Sir at home; and His first name in public. I always serve him first. He gets first dibs on the shower in the morning and possession of the remote. He doesn't do the dishes. He frequently asks for my input and opinion on stuff, but ultimately, most things are His decision. He will not make unilateral decisions that affect my job, my other family members who have not consented to this sort of relationship with Him, or decisions that affect my long term health. Aside from reminding me that workaholics tend to die young and all that! Yes, I am a workaholic, and I tend to place myself dead last on my priority list so sometimes He does overrule me in that regard.

Sometimes He doesn't feel like making all the decisions, so He tells me to do it. And I do. He doesn't have to make all the decisions or be in charge 100 percent of the time. He doesn't like to micro-manage either. Again, this is a stereotype we see on line a lot. As an example...

Domly Dom: Slave, go make me bacon and eggs.
Slave: Yes Master, but WHICH two eggs shall this one fry?
D D: The two left-most eggs on the top row of the egg carton.
S: I hear and obey. Toast or biscuits?
D D: toast
S: But WHICH two slices of bread shall this one use?
D D: The two in the end of the loaf closest to the opening.
S: Shall I butter from left to right or right to left?
D D: Start in the middle and work out in circles.
S: Must this girl wear an apron when she frys Your bacon?
D D: Yes, you haven't earned the pain yet...

It's more like, "I'm ready for breakfast." So I go make Him breakfast. Doms don't have to be actively in charge and managing all the time and most of the ones I know don't want to be bothered with that.

He also doesn't expect me to be Perfect Subbie all the time. I get PMS, I get sick, sometimes asthma kicks my ass, sometimes it's all I can do to stick with the Yes Sirs and the No Sirs and all that. And He's fine with that, and when I have been sick, He has taken care of me instead of the other way around.

I suppose if a person is all hung up on the mystique and the "role playing" that some indulge in and the romance (barf) of it all, then yes, it does seem like a fantasy and it would get hard to live with. But when it's not a role, when it (it being the D or the s) is something you are and not a role you play, it is a very freeing and satisfying relationship. I couldn't live any other way.

Very nice sane believable window into the life of a 24/7. Sweet post.

I would say that the dynamic with my husband always does shake out with me being final word, being served, being able to override a decision if I want. I'd descibe the protocol as even less present overall, but the 24/7 dynamic tends to hash itself out in just a question of who we are. How I am, how he is, and how our stuff meshes and collides.

It's not so much M/s as it is Alpha chick with a completely pussywhipped husband. Who is hip to the fact that being 'whipped can be the ultimate aphrodesiac.

As for anger, I have a much harder time handling mine than he does his, in all honesty.

What usually happens is that he knows how to deflect and soothe me. I'll be heading toward full tilt crazy lady and he'll make a joke that pulls me out of wherever I'm at and makes me realize I am about to rip into the person I love most -- it changes the arguments into dialogues. It reminds me to control myself without making me feel like I'm being guilted or whined at. It reinforces the power that I *do* have over him and makes me more cautious of it.

Fortunately I'm not so wrapped up in being the Queen of my Realm that I see the *value* in this and I don't find it insolent or bad or disrespectful. I can recognize my own shortcoming.

 

[Quint]

Some of ObsidanRose's quesitons were so well answered by D's mariposa, I thought. But this one - how do you deal with anger - is so interesting to me. I'd like to try what I imagine could happen, and those of you who have experience, let me know if I'm on track, ok?
I imagine that, in my most submissive mode, I would express anger by behaving obidiently, but with slightly different attitude. More pouty. So when I'm happy, I love to do as I'm told, but when I'm angry, I do it glumly, without the joy. I imagine that a loving dom is, ultimately, committed to taking care of his sub. So if she is unhappy, he will respond, but on his terms. So, in order to keep the relationship strong, he will permit her to say what she is upset about. The sub position means she can express her anger, but on his terms. Is that how it works out? I really lack experience.

You know what I think is submissive? Honesty. Trying to hide or sublimate what you're feeling is dishonest to your partner and destructive to the relationship; "behaving" but with a half-assed outlook isn't really behaving. T hears from me when I'm upset because it's who I am and it's who he's dominating.

The same holds true for dominance. Honesty and respect all around. I'm not saying that a little irrational anger isn't fun to play with, but in the context of a relationship, it has to be dealt with honestly.

 

[Kajira Callista]

You know what I think is submissive? Honesty. Trying to hide or sublimate what you're feeling is dishonest to your partner and destructive to the relationship; "behaving" but with a half-assed outlook isn't really behaving. T hears from me when I'm upset because it's who I am and it's who he's dominating.

The same holds true for dominance. Honesty and respect all around. I'm not saying that a little irrational anger isn't fun to play with, but in the context of a relationship, it has to be dealt with honestly.

 

[Olivia_Yearns]

You know what I think is submissive? Honesty. Trying to hide or sublimate what you're feeling is dishonest to your partner and destructive to the relationship; "behaving" but with a half-assed outlook isn't really behaving. T hears from me when I'm upset because it's who I am and it's who he's dominating.

The same holds true for dominance. Honesty and respect all around. I'm not saying that a little irrational anger isn't fun to play with, but in the context of a relationship, it has to be dealt with honestly.

Thanks for replying, Quint. I don't have the sub experience, but I know from my relationships and friendships that honesty is central. I was wanting to understand how you would be both submissive and angry, but the interplay in an ongoing relationship is much more subtle and individual then I understood.

 

[rosco rathbone]

You know what I think is submissive? Honesty. Trying to hide or sublimate what you're feeling is dishonest to your partner and destructive to the relationship; "behaving" but with a half-assed outlook isn't really behaving. T hears from me when I'm upset because it's who I am and it's who he's dominating.

The same holds true for dominance. Honesty and respect all around. I'm not saying that a little irrational anger isn't fun to play with, but in the context of a relationship, it has to be dealt with honestly.

You are actually going to get far more "misbehavior" when repressed feelings are leaking out around the edges.

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

You are actually going to get far more "misbehavior" when repressed feelings are leaking out around the edges.

Pity your not a submissive Mr Rathbone I would request catalina post that statement in the 'Thought for the Day" Thread.

 

[leeroy jenkins]

Pity your not a submissive Mr Rathbone I would request catalina post that statement in the 'Thought for the Day" Thread.

Why does it matter if Rathbone is a top or a bottom a good thought is a good though right??