Ireland. An explanation of the latest disturbances.

[torchthebitch]

As some of you may be aware we are going into another of our ten year cycles. So for those who are a little confused I offer this clarification.

So this is for the benefit of all my friends who are confused or alarmed by the recent images being broadcast around the world, given that we are now 15 years into the peace process..

The capital of Ireland is Dublin . It has a population of a million people, all of whom will be shopping in Newry this afternoon. They travel to Newry because it is in the North, which is not part of Ireland, but still pay in Euros.

Under the Irish constitution, the North used to be in Ireland , but a successful 30-year campaign of violence for Irish unity ensured that it is now definitely in the UK. Had the campaign lasted any longer the North might now be in France.

Belfast is the capital of Northern Ireland . It has a population of half a million, half of whom own houses in Donegal. Donegal is in the north but not in the North. It is in the South. No, not the south, the South.

There are two parliaments in Ireland . The Dublin parliament is called the Dáil, (pronounced "Doyle"), an Irish word meaning a place where banks receive taxpayers' money. The one in Belfast is called Stormont, an Anglo-Saxon word meaning 'placebo', or deliberately ineffective drug.

Their respective jurisdictions are defined by the border, an imaginary line on the map to show fuel launderers where to dump their chemical waste and bi-products. Protestants are in favour of the border, which generates millions of pounds in smuggling for Catholics, who are totally opposed to it. Travel between the two states is complicated because Ireland is the only country in the world with two M1 motorways. The one in the North goes west to avoid the south and the one in the South goes north to avoid the price of drink!

We have two types of democracy in Ireland . Dublin democracy works by holding a referendum and then allowing the government to judge the result. If the government thinks the result is wrong, the referendum is held again. Twice in recent years the government decided the people's choice was wrong and ordered a new referendum. Belfast democracy works differently. It has a parliament with no opposition, so the government is always right. This system generates envy in many world capitals, especially Dublin .

Ireland has three economies - northern, southern and black. Only the black economy is in the black. The other two are in the red.

All versions of the IRA claim to be the real IRA but only one of them is the Real IRA. The North's biggest industry is the production of IRAs. Consequently, we now have the Provisional, Continuity and Real IRA. The Real IRA is by far the most popular among young graffiti writers simply because it is the easiest to spell.

I trust this clarifies things and has answered many previously unanswered questions for you

Originally posted by Jay Donnan (but I don't know where).

 

[Sean]

LOL. And, for the record, I was in Newry today. Place is full of good looking women whereas Armagh, ten miles away, isn't.

 

[KRCummings]

To Americans Ireland is like Iceland or Greenland. We're aware of it's existence but that's about as far as it goes. How long did you guys fight England? The only reason we even knew it was happening was because the English told us.

 

[butters]

As some of you may be aware we are going into another of our ten year cycles. So for those who are a little confused I offer this clarification.

...

Originally posted by Jay Donnan (but I don't know where).

i'm smiling but my brain hurts

 

[bronzeage]

To Americans Ireland is like Iceland or Greenland. We're aware of it's existence but that's about as far as it goes. How long did you guys fight England? The only reason we even knew it was happening was because the English told us.

Except Iceland and Greenland don't get parades with warm green beer.

Which is kind of strange, because it should be a natural for Greenland.

The latest news on Iceland is they have a volcano that is going to shut down most of Europe sometime in the next year. It's supposed to make Mt. St. Helen look like a pimple. That's actually quite a lot to know about Iceland.

 

[LiFeNdEaTh]

interesting..

 

[butters]

Except Iceland and Greenland don't get parades with warm green beer.

Which is kind of strange, because it should be a natural for Greenland.

The latest news on Iceland is they have a volcano that is going to shut down most of Europe sometime in the next year. It's supposed to make Mt. St. Helen look like a pimple. That's actually quite a lot to know about Iceland.

what, again? still, it was so cool to have no planes in the skies for days on end.

 

[Porkwarrior]

To Americans Ireland is like Iceland or Greenland. We're aware of it's existence but that's about as far as it goes. How long did you guys fight England? The only reason we even knew it was happening was because the English told us.

Only if you went to a pretty pussified college and didn't regularly meet Ireland's unofficial ambassador to the US.

Guinness.

 

[KRCummings]

Only if you went to a pretty pussified college and didn't regularly meet Ireland's unofficial ambassador to the US.

Guinness.

Guinness is sorta nasty until you've had about 6 of them. That being said, I'd bet that most think it's English rather than Irish.

 

[Sean]

Guinness is sorta nasty until you've had about 6 of them. That being said, I'd bet that most think it's English rather than Irish.

Lies. Guinness is good stuff but there are lots of places that don't pour it right.

 

[KRCummings]

Lies. Guinness is good stuff but there are lots of places that don't pour it right.

I've been told this. Never enough of a drinker to find out the truth though.

 

[oggbashan]

Lies. Guinness is good stuff but there are lots of places that don't pour it right.

I'm still grieving over the 30 barrels of Dublin brewed Guinness that were lost overboard from the Royal Navy ship I was on in 1964.

The crew had lashed the barrels to the mine-laying racks the ship shouldn't have had but didn't allow for a Force 10 gale in the Irish Sea.

Apart from the Guinness, we lost the ship's boats, the radar array and one anchor.

But losing the Guinness was a disaster.

 

[torchthebitch]

To Americans Ireland is like Iceland or Greenland. We're aware of it's existence but that's about as far as it goes. How long did you guys fight England? The only reason we even knew it was happening was because the English told us.

Ireland fights England because three Irish kings fell out with one other Irish king. The one who lost went to France to ask the King of England (who was not an English king), for troops to win back his throne. So the King of England sent an Earl from Wales (who was not Welsh), to help. The Earl from Wales married the Irish kings daughter and became a King of Ireland when his father-in-law died. Ireland has been fighting the English ever since.

 

[torchthebitch]

Guinness is sorta nasty until you've had about 6 of them. That being said, I'd bet that most think it's English rather than Irish.

Lies. Guinness is good stuff but there are lots of places that don't pour it right.

I'm still grieving over the 30 barrels of Dublin brewed Guinness that were lost overboard from the Royal Navy ship I was on in 1964.

The crew had lashed the barrels to the mine-laying racks the ship shouldn't have had but didn't allow for a Force 10 gale in the Irish Sea.

Apart from the Guinness, we lost the ship's boats, the radar array and one anchor.

But losing the Guinness was a disaster.

The best Guinness I ever had was in a pub in Dunleer. My friend and I always stopped there on our way to and from Dublin. The barmaid was the owners daughter, and even if we hadn't been down for a while she always seemed to know the order. Two pints of Guinness, for us, a vodka and white and Kiskadee and red for the girls.

 

[QueenLevitra]

The best Guinness I ever had was in a pub in Dunleer. My friend and I always stopped there on our way to and from Dublin. The barmaid was the owners daughter, and even if we hadn't been down for a while she always seemed to know the order. Two pints of Guinness, for us, a vodka and white and Kiskadee and red for the girls.

Ireland must live on.

The legend, the false fable, the real struggle.

I've freckles on these brown cheeks.

 

[Sean]

Ireland fights England because three Irish kings fell out with one other Irish king. The one who lost went to France to ask the King of England (who was not an English king), for troops to win back his throne. So the King of England sent an Earl from Wales (who was not Welsh), to help. The Earl from Wales married the Irish kings daughter and became a King of Ireland when his father-in-law died. Ireland has been fighting the English ever since.

You missed out the bit where the Irish came over to Wales and England tried to invade every dozen years or so.

 

[KingOrfeo]

Watch The Commitments. The ending will tell you all you need to know about Irish history.

 

[John Doe]

Watch The Commitments. The ending will tell you all you need to know about Irish history.

That movie sucked.

 

[Benedict_Arnold]

Get shut of the 6 counties and give it to the republic and save us a fortune. It woulds also get Irish America off our backs too.

 

[sweepthefloor]

I liked Donegal.

 

[torchthebitch]

You missed out the bit where the Irish came over to Wales and England tried to invade every dozen years or so.

Only when the English were preoccupied with a Civil or European war. After all the Irish aren't stupid enough to attack unless England's back is turned.

 

[torchthebitch]

I liked Donegal.

Donegal was superb when I was a kid. Now it is all speculative development.
Although the best surfing in Europe is in Donegal.

 

[oggbashan]

You missed out the bit where the Irish came over to Wales and England tried to invade every dozen years or so.

And the part where the Irish invited England's traditional enemies, the Spanish and French, to help fight the English.

And the incompetence of English commanders, the stupidity of political leaders, the intransigence of Irish and English landowners towards tenants, the often malign influence of the Catholic and Protestant church leaders, the Black and Tans etc, etc...

Irish history can prove anything depending on what you want to believe.

 

[sweepthefloor]

Donegal was superb when I was a kid. Now it is all speculative development.
Although the best surfing in Europe is in Donegal.

I stayed in a town called Dungloe.

 

[torchthebitch]

Get shut of the 6 counties and give it to the republic and save us a fortune. It woulds also get Irish America off our backs too.

Then you can get shot of Wales and Scotland. And give back the border territories that Longshanks stole from Scotland. And while you're at it, free Kernow. And Yorkshire would probably love to be rid of Lancashire. And since the north of England is a bunch of lazy workshy scroungers I'm sure wealthmaking London and it's environs wouldn't mind getting rid of the deadwood.