Invitation for criticism (yikes!)

[Guest]

Hello. I am copying below from the New Poetry thread as it saves all the formatting and url work. This is scary but I'm taking Lauren's suggestion to start a new thread and request criticism. Actually, I can take any good criticism and welcome it. Of course I take it or leave it , but do sincerely appreciate anyone taking the time to read my work and comment. Thanks in advance, Perdita

The new poetry list is a fun place to explore. I'm missing some of my favourite authors' work (Sp, Eve, Angeline, Judo, Cordelia, Rybka, Silken, ... Post more, please!), but we can still find some very good offerings from less known (to me, at least ) poets.

Today's spotlight goes to the first poetry submissions of a new author: perdita.

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My Liebestod
by perdita ©

I want to be someone's widow
Have love leave against its will, before its time
Leave a proper memory, a legacy of some kind.

[...]

I wish I had his name or ring, some official thing
That would make me his survivor, the one listed in the obit,
The one who gets the sympathy, the inheritance.
I want to properly mourn, sit in the front row,
Pick out the headstone, be consoled
By anyone who knows.
I want to visit the grave on each anniversary
And sometimes just for fun.

(The pleasure would be all mine.)

I want to be a widow, but damn it
No one wants to die for me.

In my opinion, this is the best of perdita's four submissions. It has, of course, some flaws, some tweaking would be very advantageous here and there, where some elements distract much, much more than they add to the effect, but the tell-tale feel given to a poem that is otherwise very intimist is part of why it works so well. The same thing happens in Re-Birth of Venus (where there's something definitely not working with the poem's formatting) and Medea. After reading both of these submissions, my idea was that there were two fantastic poems hidden in those blocks, waiting for some firm chisel blows to set them free. It's interesting to compare these three poems with the fourth, which attempts to capture a moment in as few words as possible:

Nijinsky's 'Albrecht'
by perdita ©

The gaze of the greatest male dancer that ever lived—
His hand in a gesture that could have produced a book.

A hundred pages? A hundred words?

A phrase, a phrase—
for want of a phrase, a book.

I'm dying for want of a phrase.

Still, I'd get rid of the first line.

 

[OT]

RE: "My Liebestod"

Although I can't identify exactly what I like about it, I do like it. It seems to have an element of raw truth to it that is captivating.

I confess to not having a clue about the words "Liebestod" and "Isolde", but I like how they sound and like how they are used.


Since it's a story-telling style, I think maybe some minor tightening would make the piece more powerful.
For example:

Then I met my Tristan, the 20th century type.
I didn't need another partner, but I wanted to be his wife
Somehow tied until one of us died.

I think you could lose the last line of that stanza for a couple of reasons. Although I'm a fan of imbedded rhymes, in this case it draws to much attention. I also I think the second line is a strong statement by itself.

I thought it would be him, the way the myth went.
I wanted to help him die.

An odd way to state this. It sorta fits, but I'm not sure.

He fell in and out of love like a baby learning to walk.
I was his floor, his piano lesson, his backyard.
When it was over he wouldn't let me kiss him on the mouth.
He looked at me and I became a chair, a lampshade, a story.
I almost died like those times people describe
That all sound alike with the light at the end
Calling you out of life.

This stanza is great! Very interesting choices for what you were to him. The last sentence feels a bit awkward though. Maybe just reword it a bit.

(I went through each stage of grief but anger.)

This is another line you might just delete. Or at least take it out of the parens. Like the rhyme line above, it draws attention to itself, without being special enough to warrant such attention.

(The pleasure would be all mine.)

Another line that didn't seem to fit. The line above it expresses the sentiment on its own.



That's about it from me. I'm not an expert, just a reader with opinions.

Over all, a very interesting read.

 

[Guest]

Thanks, OT

RE: "My Liebestod" I confess to not having a clue about the words "Liebestod" and "Isolde", but I like how they sound and like how they are used.

First thanks for taking the time to give such thoughtful crit. I want to let you know that Isolde's "Liebestod" is the famous last song of the opera "Tristan und Isolde". It literally means love-death and is a major theme of the original myth and the opera. So that should explain the major thrust of the poem I hope. T&I had a doomed love, Tristan died of a wound that wouldn't heal and Isolde simply died soon after she finished her song.

This stanza is great! Very interesting choices for what you were to him. The last sentence feels a bit awkward though. Maybe just reword it a bit.

Yeah, I worked that sentence over so many times; will keep trying.

This is another line you might just delete. Or at least take it out of the parens. Like the rhyme line above, it draws attention to itself, without being special enough to warrant such attention.

Agree a little but in RL it meant something that I could not get angry about this rejection. And grief goes w/death so I want it in.
I think you're right about the 'pleasure' line.

Thanks again, Perdita

p.s. didn't want to requote my lines but I think this reply will work well enough.

 

[OT]

yikes. now I know something about opera.

 

[Guest]

yikes. now I know something about opera.

LOL. Whatever your musical tastes, listen to the Liebestod sometime, simply beautiful sounds. You needn't buy or listen to all 5-6 hours (depeding on tempi), the song is only minutes long and is at the very end. Best, Perdita

 

[destinie21]

Quote
I almost died like those times people describe
That all sound alike with the light at the end
Calling you out of life.

The aformentioned stanza sounds a little awkward when read. You may want to re-word it to something like


I almost died like those times people describe
That all sound alike with the light at the end of the tunnel
Calling you out of life.

or

I almost died like those times people describe
That all sound alike with the light and familiar voices
coaxing you out of life.

quote
I went through each stage of grief but anger

this line also seems a little discomfited within the context of the poem perhaps it would flow more easily as

I went through each stage of an angery grief
or
I went through each stage of aggrieved sorrow


barring these two parts I loved it as well as all of your other work (I'm a big fan and I'm glad you've been submitting so much new poetry)

pS: I hope I didn't cross some invisible line in the sand by suggesting the re-wording. Also I noticed in your profile on the lit that you like Ballet Have you ever read the book Dancing On My Grave by Gelsey Kirkland ? I love it. It details her Life and work as well as her affair with Mikhail Baryshnikov.

 

[Guest]

destinie21:

Thank you so much for your ideas. Some of what you've suggested I've heard from someone else so I will give it serious cosideration. As I said, I need time between re-writes so you may not see revisions too soon.

Yes, I've read Gelsey's book. Her life and drug issues were too bad, she was one of the few great American ballerinas ever; a truly great 'Giselle'. I know she had her own experiences and I won't judge her as a person, but I'm a great Balanchine fan, at least as a great choreographer.

I've read lots of ballet history, criticism, bios. etc., and am fortunate to have seen many of the greatest dancers ever since the 60's. I have a poem focused around Giselle, if I don't submit it perhaps you'd be interested.

I've noticed your other posts, including one where you recently mentioned me. Will be aware of you more now.

regards and gratitude, Perdita

 

[Guest]

p.s. destinie21

I saw Kirkland and Barishnikov in 'Giselle', I think in the early 80's. She was exquisite, and had come back to ABT after having been 'fired' by MB. When they took their curtain calls, at the point where the ballerina takes a single rose out of her bouquet to present to her partner, she made as if to do so and Barishnikov went to take it but she took it away and stepped back. Very ballsy, and you could tell MB was pissed. He was a fine dancer but didn't have the artistry of the really greatest 'danseru nobles'. He treated Gelsey badly, as you must know from her book. But I guess Jessica Lange taught him a lesson.

Perdita

 

[cahab]

My Liebestod
by perdita ©

I want to be someone's widow
Have love leave against its will, before its time
Leave a proper memory, a legacy of some kind.

Don't normally do poetry as it's not really my thing (I always come out a little bitter if I try it myself, and it's been years since I studied anyone but Blake), but seeing it's you I thought I'd give it a go. Firstly, I like the opening line. It's unexpected, and pulls you in. Leave it alone.

I wish I had his name or ring, some official thing

The rhythm of the lines feels wrong here. I won't even attempt a solution in words, but I feel like you're a couple of syllables missing after the comma; dum dadum official thing.

That would make me his survivor, the one listed in the obit,

...whereas here we have one syllable too many. And 'obit' sounds too informal for the tone of the poem.

The one who gets the sympathy, the inheritance.
I want to properly mourn, sit in the front row,
Pick out the headstone, be consoled
By anyone who knows.
I want to visit the grave on each anniversary
And sometimes just for fun.

(The pleasure would be all mine.)

I want to be a widow, but damn it
No one wants to die for me

This finally seems to abrupt. I feel like we are left wanting a little more explanation. Maybe another couple of lines?