Introducing your partner to domination

[papilllon]

Not very long ago, I finally got the courage to talk to my boyfriend about D/S. He's someone I met and fell in love with without knowing if he was into that kind of stuff.

He has been very receptive and confessed having some dominant tendencies that he had kept in check so far.

We have started to experiment a bit and it's going well. I like what he does and he likes doing it to me. The only thing I'm concerned about is that it sometimes feels a bit like a game, as in a little fake. This dynamic being very new between us, I figure it's normal and that, in time, we will adjust, adapt and change the relationship as we go so it fits us better.

Do you people who started D/S with a non initiated partner went also to this period when it doesn't feel quite "real", as if you're acting in a play?

Papillon

 

[nh23]

Not very long ago, I finally got the courage to talk to my boyfriend about D/S. He's someone I met and fell in love with without knowing if he was into that kind of stuff.

He has been very receptive and confessed having some dominant tendencies that he had kept in check so far.

We have started to experiment a bit and it's going well. I like what he does and he likes doing it to me. The only thing I'm concerned about is that it sometimes feels a bit like a game, as in a little fake. This dynamic being very new between us, I figure it's normal and that, in time, we will adjust, adapt and change the relationship as we go so it fits us better.

Do you people who started D/S with a non initiated partner went also to this period when it doesn't feel quite "real", as if you're acting in a play?

Papillon

I'm wondering what type of D/s relationship you two are striving for? 24/7, just bedroom kink, or something in between? If for now it's just in the bedroom that may increase some of the feelings of it just being a game. Not that there's anything wrong with it just being in the bedroom, but it may feel that way because your living everyday life one way and then incorporating D/s in the bedroom. Does he feel the same way? Have you two talked about how it makes both of you feel? When you say it feels fake.. Are your feelings of submission and his of domination genuine feelings that feel like it's who you are, or are you just testing things out to see if it's something you would like?

 

[papilllon]

I'm wondering what type of D/s relationship you two are striving for? 24/7, just bedroom kink, or something in between? If for now it's just in the bedroom that may increase some of the feelings of it just being a game. Not that there's anything wrong with it just being in the bedroom, but it may feel that way because your living everyday life one way and then incorporating D/s in the bedroom. Does he feel the same way? Have you two talked about how it makes both of you feel? When you say it feels fake.. Are your feelings of submission and his of domination genuine feelings that feel like it's who you are, or are you just testing things out to see if it's something you would like?

Most definitely, it feels like who I am. I've even experienced a bit before in real life. What I know for sure is that elements of domination turn me own in a way vanilla sex never has. I need that to be excited. In the bedroom, I'm a 100 % sure I need this stuff.

Our relationship is not 24/7. But what you said is interesting. The difference between everyday life and the bedroom may be causing the feelings I have. We've talked about control outside the bedroom but so far, I have yet to find an aspect of my life I'd be willing to let him have control over. I will give more thought to that though and perhaps start slowly.

No, I haven't talked with him about these feelings so far. I wanted to let things flow a bit and give us both time to experiment enough to know what we like and dislike. But we haved scheduled a moment to discuss about how we feel.

 

[nh23]

Most definitely, it feels like who I am. I've even experienced a bit before in real life. What I know for sure is that elements of domination turn me own in a way vanilla sex never has. I need that to be excited. In the bedroom, I'm a 100 % sure I need this stuff.

Our relationship is not 24/7. But what you said is interesting. The difference between everyday life and the bedroom may be causing the feelings I have. We've talked about control outside the bedroom but so far, I have yet to find an aspect of my life I'd be willing to let him have control over. I will give more thought to that though and perhaps start slowly.

No, I haven't talked with him about these feelings so far. I wanted to let things flow a bit and give us both time to experiment enough to know what we like and dislike. But we haved scheduled a moment to discuss about how we feel.

That's great that you've scheduled time to discuss things. Communication is always the best answer.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Talking about it is a must so you can both find what works for you. If you are struggling to find any area outside the bedroom you are willing to hand over control of, then it is likely going to impact at this point on how real the whole D/s element feels. Perhaps a way to overcome or wiork on that would be to introduce a couple of rituals to use when going into D/s mode. For example, in my playing/dating days one play friend I had made it a condition I was never to enter his house dressed....well not more than one step. He laced a mat inside the front door when I was going to visit and I would have to take one step through the door onto the mat and undress before going any further. It made a huge difference in getting my head into the correct space.

Catalina

 

[myinnerslut]

Do you people who started D/S with a non initiated partner went also to this period when it doesn't feel quite "real", as if you're acting in a play?

Papillon

very simply, yes. A and i began our D/s relationship six months after we started dating. its been almost two years since we began our D/s, and there has been definite growth. at first sliding into those roles required conscious thought. as time passed, things began to feel less game like and became an integral part of our relationship. now i cannot imagine our relationship without it.

 

[sweet_bitch]

i want to different here. my hubby told me first night of our wedding that he would own me body and soul. but i resist first, then i give in. i now comfort with it totally.

 

[papilllon]

very simply, yes. A and i began our D/s relationship six months after we started dating. its been almost two years since we began our D/s, and there has been definite growth. at first sliding into those roles required conscious thought. as time passed, things began to feel less game like and became an integral part of our relationship. now i cannot imagine our relationship without it.

Well, your answer reassures me. It means that even if it feels a bit strange at times right now, it may become more natural in the future. At least, this is what I hope for.

catalina made an interesting comment as well about the rituals. I wouldn't go for the particular ritual she described but I get her point. My boyfriend and I can certainly find something that would work for us.

Thank you

Papillon

 

[VelvetDarkness]

It sounds like you definitely want the D/s side of your relationship to extend beyond the bedroom in some form and I can empathise with how that feels. My Master and I were in a LDR until recently so the time we spent together was condensed and rather intense. I found it quite difficult to adjust from being dominated in the bedroom to being 'back to normal' outside of it. Once I started calling him Sir and later Master, it felt strange and almost disrespectful not to do so outside of sexual play.

Like anything it all starts with small steps. I found that I was almost unconsciously stepping back from decisions in order to let Master take the lead. I became more service oriented and made a point of demonstrating that whenever it was appropriate. Gradually he grew in confidence and took more initiative with things and here I am now an owned slave, something I wouldn't have imagined even a year ago. Of course you have to be aware of your public persona and I have slipped up on occasion. Only today a good friend of mine came to see our new house and noticed my collar hanging from a bedpost!

It sounds like you have a healthy relationship with open and honest communication and that's all you really need to get started. It also helps that your guy genuinely enjoys being dominant. Everybody incorporates kink into their lives in different ways and to different degrees. Submitting to someone doesn't mean that you lose your voice or that it becomes valueless, you still handle decisions together, just differently.

 

[SOO MILES]

If someone doesn't get there naturally, on their own, and it's not just about overcoming fear, then I think it's a waste of time to try to get them to understand the erotic nature of being dominated (or dominating). Either you have it or you don't

http://www.fotofap.com/files/90340_ohf6n/31.jpg

 

[Colton_White]

Not very long ago, I finally got the courage to talk to my boyfriend about D/S. He's someone I met and fell in love with without knowing if he was into that kind of ................ quite "real", as if you're acting in a play?

Papillon

I wish it was something like that in my life !

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Unreal. Maybe he's considered being...a guy. Or 6 feet tall.

This isnt BDSM. It's fashion!

 

[papilllon]

If someone doesn't get there naturally, on their own, and it's not just about overcoming fear, then I think it's a waste of time to try to get them to understand the erotic nature of being dominated (or dominating). Either you have it or you don't

http://www.fotofap.com/files/90340_ohf6n/31.jpg

To an extent, perhaps, but humans are more complex than that. The way we were brought up, our past experiences, the lack of knowledge... all this play a role in how we approach D/S. Besides, I would think, every relationship being different, that you don't really have a choice but to grow together if you're a couple.

In a world where people are just human and didn't come out of their mother's womb a perfect dominant or submissive, I think you ought to give them a chance to learn along the way. At least, when your partner clearly tells you he wants that and is trying, and happy to do so.

Anyway, two nights ago, something really cliked between my boyfriend and I. We tried a different approach and it was suddenly very real for both of us. Now, we're back in the vanilla world but that's ok. It was there. And we'll touch that again. The experience calmed me because it proved me we are on the right track.

It will take us time to find the right balance for us but it's not a race. Besides, even though it takes time, we're still having fun together. That's what matters.

Papillon

 

[shy slave]

I have never wanted to be in the position you are in Papillion.
Yet, somehow I recently ended up there.
I did not introduce him to it. He was new to discovering BDSM, and after talking on the 'phone we met and then dated for a few weeks.
I found it very difficult.
His concept of BDSM was not my concept, the things he enjoyed viewing were not necessarily things he wanted to explore, equally other things he wanted to try were things I had zero interest in.

I could not find the right balance between talking to him about what I wanted to experience, what worked and what didn't, and terrible feeling I was topping from the bottom or trying to turn him into something he was not.
He was willing to try most things, but the mindset behind his reasons for trying were at odds with my own needs.

He once described me as a submissive who wanted submission on her terms, in her way, at her time. Which was not wholly untrue, but did not make me feel good about what was happening between us.
There was an element of 'fake,' I think was in part due to our exploration and the fact that I know myself sexually quite well; yet for him it was all a new journey. There were also times of amazing, wonderful moments when it was perfect.

In the end I decided to end it, I could not see how we could bridge the gap between our needs and what we gained from BDSM as individuals.
BDSM has a level of importance in my life which I don't want to give up.
It was not just the BDSM dynamics that made it difficult, but I felt cruel, mean and small minded about ending it.
He really is a lovely man who is very intelligent and good company.
All of that did not balance out that I hated 'leading' some of the BDSM and my clarity on what I wanted and why I wanted it, was so poor I could not make myself clearly understood.

I do hope he finds someone who is more open and less stuck in their own ways to explore directions I could not go in.

Being with him as given me a greater understanding of why PYL's who are looking for pyl's often say they want someone new.
A new pyl may have a lesser understanding of what they want/need/crave and therefore less structured about what areas they are prepared to go into.

 

[papilllon]

I have never wanted to be in the position you are in Papillion.
Yet, somehow I recently ended up there.
I did not introduce him to it. He was new to discovering BDSM, and after talking on the 'phone we met and then dated for a few weeks.
I found it very difficult.
His concept of BDSM was not my concept, the things he enjoyed viewing were not necessarily things he wanted to explore, equally other things he wanted to try were things I had zero interest in.

I could not find the right balance between talking to him about what I wanted to experience, what worked and what didn't, and terrible feeling I was topping from the bottom or trying to turn him into something he was not.
He was willing to try most things, but the mindset behind his reasons for trying were at odds with my own needs.

He once described me as a submissive who wanted submission on her terms, in her way, at her time. Which was not wholly untrue, but did not make me feel good about what was happening between us.
There was an element of 'fake,' I think was in part due to our exploration and the fact that I know myself sexually quite well; yet for him it was all a new journey. There were also times of amazing, wonderful moments when it was perfect.

In the end I decided to end it, I could not see how we could bridge the gap between our needs and what we gained from BDSM as individuals.
BDSM has a level of importance in my life which I don't want to give up.
It was not just the BDSM dynamics that made it difficult, but I felt cruel, mean and small minded about ending it.
He really is a lovely man who is very intelligent and good company.
All of that did not balance out that I hated 'leading' some of the BDSM and my clarity on what I wanted and why I wanted it, was so poor I could not make myself clearly understood.

I do hope he finds someone who is more open and less stuck in their own ways to explore directions I could not go in.

Being with him as given me a greater understanding of why PYL's who are looking for pyl's often say they want someone new.
A new pyl may have a lesser understanding of what they want/need/crave and therefore less structured about what areas they are prepared to go into.

If I understand correctly, you had a lot of experience in D/S before that relationship that didn't work? It's probably very difficult indeed in such a situation to bring someone into BDSM without having to top from the bottom.

In my case, I have a bit of experience in RL with another partner, but very little. The advantage of it is that I learn along the way with my boyfriend. I'm not yet stuck in my ways because I didn't have time to become so. And our goal is more a TIH one than a "classic" BDSM one (even though I know BDSM is different for every couples). If I needed a Master/slave relationchip, I think it would almost be impossible to try with someone new to all of this.

But I understand what you're saying. I want to hope for the best though. I guess only time will tell if we're able to establish the kind of relationship we want.

 

[shy slave]

If I understand correctly, you had a lot of experience in D/S before that relationship that didn't work? It's probably very difficult indeed in such a situation to bring someone into BDSM without having to top from the bottom.

In my case, I have a bit of experience in RL with another partner, but very little. The advantage of it is that I learn along the way with my boyfriend. I'm not yet stuck in my ways because I didn't have time to become so. And our goal is more a TIH one than a "classic" BDSM one (even though I know BDSM is different for every couples). If I needed a Master/slave relationchip, I think it would almost be impossible to try with someone new to all of this.

But I understand what you're saying. I want to hope for the best though. I guess only time will tell if we're able to establish the kind of relationship we want.

I have not had alot of experience but I have had relationships with two Doms, had brief times with two others and spoken to several more.
I only found D/s about four years ago, but I had alot of vanilla experience so I knew what I didn't want, if that makes sense.

I was not suggesting that you should end the relationship, I do hope that my post did not come across that way.
I was trying to say I had also found some elements fake and try and give reasons why I felt that way.

I hope things work out for you. Every now and then there are threads which discuss vanilla into D/s. Whatever level or type of BDSM it does seem people come across different difficulties.

I look forward to your continued posts about how things progress between you both.

You are right, everyone's concept of BDSM is different but that makes it all the more interesting.

 

[papilllon]

I have not had alot of experience but I have had relationships with two Doms, had brief times with two others and spoken to several more.
I only found D/s about four years ago, but I had alot of vanilla experience so I knew what I didn't want, if that makes sense.

I was not suggesting that you should end the relationship, I do hope that my post did not come across that way.
I was trying to say I had also found some elements fake and try and give reasons why I felt that way.

I hope things work out for you. Every now and then there are threads which discuss vanilla into D/s. Whatever level or type of BDSM it does seem people come across different difficulties.

I look forward to your continued posts about how things progress between you both.

You are right, everyone's concept of BDSM is different but that makes it all the more interesting.

Thanks, you're really sweet.

 

[shy slave]

Thanks, you're really sweet.

LOL

I am not always sweet, sometimes I fake it!!

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Just checking to see what you pervs are up to.

 

[KuriousTina]

I've been in a similar situation as you papillon. I wanted to explore BDSM for a while, but because of my own situation it just never happened. Then my current boyfriend tied me up with his tie because I stole it off him... it turned out we had a lot in common in terms of interests and we just never breached the subject until then! We sat down and talked, and our relationship has never been more fun or sexier since!

 

[Bill3250]

Telling my wife was easy: the first time she saw my naked butt, she saw the scarlet "I" branded (tattooed) on my left cheek. I told her about my haviing been Lady Isabelle's property for nearly two years. At first, she showed no interest, but eventually she bound me and whipped my ass and then, when I got a hard-on, my cock with a bamboo switch. It was fantastic! As good as it had been with Lady Isabelle, and in a way, better.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Papillon, I've re-read this thread and the closest approximation to what you're going through that I can come up with is this: -

I am a nurse. I did the course, took the exams and worked in medicine for some years.

The first time I put on the uniform of a qualified nurse was a very scary day for me. People expect you to know what you are doing. There is no dispensation for lack of experience. When people look at the uniform, they see a nurse and they expect results.

Did I feel like a nurse on that first day? Of course not. Was it what I wanted to do and what I studied for? Absolutely.

If something is in your make-up, something that as a person you feel that you personify on a fundamental level it seems simple - until you put that into practice.

Before I had experience as a sub it was without question a fundamental part of me. I studied the theory and waited for my opportunity. Finally I became a sub in practice and it was fantastic but even though I really enjoyed myself, I still felt like a fraud, that I could have done better. The ease with which I accept my role now has taken months of work and self-assessment.

Just like when I was a new nurse; I know a lot about kink and about what I want but there is still much much more that I don't know and won't graduate to for years. I can function adequately with my basic knowledge but until I study further and specialize, I'm still not much of an asset to my profession.

Nobody knows who they are until they get off their ass and make the effort to find out. You feel like you're acting now simply because kink is unfamiliar territory but you still know what you want and need from it and that's the important thing at this stage. Keep acting and affirming who you are. Everything else will some gradually to you as your experience and confidence grows

 

[pinklypop]

I love reading your analogies velvet.
You can look upon things and offer your insight in the loveliest ways

 

[VelvetDarkness]

I love reading your analogies velvet.
You can look upon things and offer your insight in the loveliest ways

Awww... now you went and made me blush

 

[omniavincet]

Do you people who started D/S with a non initiated partner went also to this period when it doesn't feel quite "real", as if you're acting in a play?

Papillon

I recently went through the same situation with my wife - and now we have a lot of fun with D/S but we have definitely had times where we looked at each other and had to laugh because it started feeling funny or stupid all of a sudden. Example: she had an idea that I should pretend to be a high school kid and she'd be the older mom of a friend - a totally hot fantasy that somehow didn't work for us - it felt fake, like you said. But thankfully that was a learning experience and we moved on after a good laugh and some talk about why it didn't work and found other things that did. As several others have said, I think it takes time to learn how to get each other in the right space - sounds like you're off to a great start.

OV