Introducing "The Ice Cream Cone"

[SlickTony]

Hey, everybody. Some of you will have met me, SlickTony, on some of the other forums. I've been here approximately 4 years. I live in North Florida. I'm straight by experience and conditioning, but this doesn't necessarily mean that my imagination always has to follow suit.

The Ice Cream Cone is about an afternoon in the life of a fun-loving, sporty, University of Houston student who agrees to help a couple of cinematography majors make an art film. But the real fun begins when the shooting's over...

 

[Penelope Street]

Hi Tony,

Thanks for sharing your story with us.

I only read the first page so far- afraid the rest will have to wait until the weekend.

My first question is: What's the story's goal?

At the start of the story, Sidonie doesn't really have any real problem, does she? Ok, maybe she wants a little action, but I think it's clear enough she get that from Jon and Mario anytime and she knows it- so if that's a problem, it's a minor one. If the story's meant to have conflict and change, then I think it has some problems, but if it's meant to be an erotic anecdote with clever context, then it works just fine.

I enjoyed the narrator's voice- natural sounding and little touches like this help convey a bit of autheticity: I was sitting at a small café table in the Satellite, the underground adjunct of the student union building at UH, the part that later got flooded out in 1976.

This is a beautiful line, my favorite so far:
Photographers who came around to take school pictures would sometimes do a double-take and tell me I didn't have to smile after all.

The premise is clever too- so simple, yet I've not seen it used before. The eating of the ice cream cone has to work or the story is a flop- and it worked for me. I thought it was sexier than the sex afterward, at least the part that I read.

If the presentation has a weakness for me, it's that there might be a little too much stopping of the action to tell me about things that aren't don't seem too important- little things like the bit about Jon working at Baskin Robbins or why she doesn't get an ice cream headache. I didn't really care what the characters look like either.

That's all I have for now. Be back in a day or two!

Take Care,
Penny

 

[Verdad]

Hi, Tony. I read the entire story, but much like Penny, I'm not sure what's its goal. Do you maybe have some specific questions you'd like to have answered, some specific issues about which you're in doubt? I think that would help us give you useful feedback.

Your prose is nice, clean, and fluent, and the story is nicely wrapped up, having a beginning and an end, but as far as the rest of it goes, it would be just discussing personal tastes. For me personally, the lack of conflict makes the story uninteresting, but if that's the story you set out to write, I can only voice it as my personal preference. (I seem to need some drama with my sex…)

Is there anything about the story you as the author are curious about?

Best of luck,

Verdad

 

[SlickTony]

No, I just want to get it out there where I can be vetted. If this is a wrongful motivation, we don't need to discuss it, and after a suitable interval, I will put up something else.

 

[Penelope Street]

No, I just want to get it out there where I can be vetted. If this is a wrongful motivation, we don't need to discuss it, and after a suitable interval, I will put up something else.

Hi Tony,

In some manner I must have misphrased my question regarding goals. There is nothing inappropriate about your story or your motivations. The goal I meant to ask about specifically was the goal of the story, not the goal of the discussion.

I prefer a little drama with my story too, but it's not fair to criticize "The Ice Cream Cone" for not having conflict if it's not supposed to have any. It'd be like if you were making a quilt and I said, "There aren't any sleeves?" because I was expecting a sweater- we'd have a comment that's totally true and totally useless. So are the characters in "The Ice Cream Cone" meant to experience any peril or dilemma , or is it meant to be a sexy little romp?

Am I making any sense?
Penny

 

[SlickTony]

Oh, it was never meant to be anything but a sexy little romp. I have a 3-parter in the works that has as much conflict and drama as this character can do with, but I'm having difficulty with the middle.

I like your analogy of the quilt with no sleeves. I invariably feel like that when I get my yearly evaluation form at work. It never seems to ask the questions I have the answers to.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

Hi Tony,

I have to agree with a lot of what Penelope said in her post. I think where the story worked best was at the start. I loved the line that Penelope quoted about the school photographer and this one as well.

My aunt Cora said to my mother, "Emma, when that girl of yours learns what she can do with her smile, you're going to have to lock her up!"

The eating of the ice cream was superb and showed a lot of originality. After that the story just dissapeared, and wasn't very interesting.

Before the filming starts she warns the boys that nothing is going to happen without her explicit approval, and then after the filming she is like "Come and get me boys."

I think I may have been dissapointed that they didn't have to work a little harder in seducing her. Maybe if the sex had taken place after they had edited the film and were viewing it...I dunno.

Well, for what it's worth, those are my comments.

 

[SlickTony]

I understand what you're saying. My take on it was that at the beginning, Sidonie wasn't sure--or didn't know--if she was going to get turned on in the process of making the art film, and when she found that she was, she decided to plunge right in and enjoy herself. Probably because she didn't have the kind of parents who were always telling her to wait, wait, wait.

 

[Varian P]

Hi Tony,

I like the tone of the narrative—it's conversational, casual, so it lends a comfortable intimacy to the story. You do a nice job, in the opening, of letting little details—the camera technology, the flood of '76—reveal the setting.

And I appreciate your initial descriptions of the guys—impressionistic, but enough to convey a sense of them. As the story progresses, you provide lots of wonderful imagery—sights and scents come across vividly.

The dialogue flows well, but in the beginning some of the phraseology seems a tad stiff. Lines like “Let me get this straight” strike me as stock expressions rather than something I hear people really say, and phrase like, “Apart from...,” “But I must have something,” and “Not only that,” seem too formal for casual conversation between college students.

The ice cream scene is stirring—which was a pleasant surprise for me, as I seldom find encounters arousing without some kind of psychological or emotional tension. So, kudos.

This is a great image:

They came back to stand in front of me, looking as expectant as dogs who know you're hiding a treat behind your back.

And so is this:

His tanned torso was overlaid by a thin layer of fine, straight hair, the kind that was almost invisible in some lights but would glitter like gold mesh in sunlight.

The actual blowjob scene didn't do as much for me as the build-up, and as the story went on I was having thoughts similar to the comments others have been making; I was most engaged up to and during the eating of the ice cream cone; after that, my interest waned. I think part of the problem is just that I'm not your ideal audience, since I'm all about angst and pathos. But I think there's a little too much choreography going on, as well. For example:

I let go of Mario's balls and switched the hand I had encircling the base of his cock. The hand I'd had on Mario's cock was slick with precum and saliva. I reached out to Jon, and he took his hand off his dick; I replaced it with my own slippery hand and started jacking it.

When I'm confronted with passages like that, the feelings and sensations I've been inferring fade out as I try to follow all the stage direction.

But at other times, like when Mario climaxes from the blowjob, and when the intercourse gets going, there's great momentum and intensity, and you do some lovely language play.

-Varian

 

[Penelope Street]

Makes for a pretty dull discussion when all the responders pretty much agree. *sigh*

Would I be wrong to say the four of us all found "The Ice Cream Cone" to be well-written and clever, especially the ice cream eating scene, but the lack of tension left the erotic scenes less than stimulating? Like Verdad mentioned, whether a reader enjoys tension-less sex stories is more a matter of personal taste than a true shortcoming. Even though it's not my cup of tea, this story is still one of the best of it's type that I've come across due to the clever premise and that lovely voice. I was hoping a few who enjoy such tales might drop by and share their thoughts, but I guess not.

 

[Penelope Street]

I have a 3-parter in the works that has as much conflict and drama as this character can do with, but I'm having difficulty with the middle.

This might have made for a far more interesting discussion! You know works in progress are welcome too, right?

 

[drksideofthemoon]

Would I be wrong to say the four of us all found "The Ice Cream Cone" to be well-written and clever, especially the ice cream eating scene, but the lack of tension left the erotic scenes less than stimulating? Like Verdad mentioned, whether a reader enjoys tension-less sex stories is more a matter of personal taste than a true shortcoming. Even though it's not my cup of tea, this story is still one of the best of it's type that I've come across due to the clever premise and that lovely voice. I was hoping a few who enjoy such tales might drop by and share their thoughts, but I guess not.

I think you pretty much summed up my thoughts. And I would like to thank Slick Tony for submitting "The Ice Cream Cone" to the discussion.

 

[SlickTony]

Welcome. I had fun writing it, at least.

 

[SlickTony]

This might have made for a far more interesting discussion! You know works in progress are welcome too, right?

How are they handled? I've got the first part complete, and the third part is more or less complete, although I don't have it written down yet. But I don't want to send the first part up until I'm confident that I can get the second part finished. I purely hate it when people start what's obviously a series of some sort and then don't finish it.

 

[Penelope Street]

I purely hate it when people start what's obviously a series of some sort and then don't finish it.

I know!

... works in progress are welcome too...

How are they handled?

There's no difference in procedure with regard to the queue or the thread format; the author posts what there is of the work and asks questions. I remember at least one discussion that centered on whether or not a happy or unhappy ending worked best.

 

[Varian P]

I purely hate it when people start what's obviously a series of some sort and then don't finish it.

Since I'm crap at completing what I've started, I find it works well to submit the first few chapters of a longer work for publication, then let guilt flog me (however slowly) over the finish line.

Here in the SDC, though, personally, I don't think authors should feel obligated to offer up only things that are/will soon be complete. I see this forum as a place for authors to solicit feedback on works in whatever stage of genesis, and for the community of fellow authors to discuss whatever issues pop up.

 

[SlickTony]

If a story isn't submitted yet, and you want it discussed, do people copy/paste it or attach it?

 

[Penelope Street]

If a story isn't submitted yet, and you want it discussed, do people copy/paste it or attach it?

Copy & Paste.

 

[Penelope Street]

Here in the SDC, though, personally, I don't think authors should feel obligated to offer up only things that are/will soon be complete. I see this forum as a place for authors to solicit feedback on works in whatever stage of genesis, and for the community of fellow authors to discuss whatever issues pop up.

You are so right.

 

[SlickTony]

Thanks, Penelope.

 

[Penelope Street]

Thanks, Penelope.

Thank you for sharing your story with us.