Interruptus4, Oct. 21, 2001

[Mickie]

The story up for discussion this week is --

Quote --
Interruptus4

My latest in a series, "Interruptus4" I think is my best work thus far. All of my episodes are in the Lesbian Sex category.

I'd love to hear what others think about the characters, the locale, content, etc.

- Judo
End Quote

*on a side note-- I apologize for the delay. With the problem the site has been having for the last few days, plus Judo was out of town for a couple of days, we had to delay. But --

We're baaaaack now!

Mickie

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=16488

 

[JUDO]

Author's Note

Interruptus4

Background: Well...when I wrote the first episode of this story, I had an idea where I was going, but I didn't know how long it would take or how many episodes. I had been reading stories on Literotica for about a year before I decided to become an author here and I wanted to find something that I liked that I could do again and again in stories that I would author. So, I thought of coitus interruptus. That event is filled with wonderful story possibilities and hence, the title.

I had never written a prose-style story before the first one, "Interruptus." So, with each story I have written, I've been learning: from you, from the readership, from the other authors. In particular, when I began, I received wonderful critiques from TawnyT, Cymbidia, WhisperSecret and Alex De Kok. I listened, and I hope that the efforts and observations of these great authors comes across in my work.

What I'm looking for: Critique! I want to hear how this drivel could be better. Did the story lose you? Is there something I should empasize more that I didn't? Is there anything about the subject matter that needs to be continued in subsequent episodes? What do you think?

I have heard many, many times that another episode needs to be written featuring or including the mysterious Linda. Don't worry, I have plans for two more episodes to finish what I think of as the second adventure for Debbie and Annette, a second trilogy, if you will.

Thanks: Besides the other authors listed above, I have recieved wonderful assistance and critiques and I thank all of those who are responsible. Hopefully, you know who you are, if not, email me (hehehe). I have written another story since this one was posted, but only one. Sorry, my business has made me ridiculously busy since mid-summer and well...have to pay the bills, you know. I have seventeen other stories planned out already, but not written. In a few weeks, I hope to post many more over the Winter.

I have to say a big, heartfelt "Thanks!" to the site, Laurel and Manu (Yeh!) and all the wonderful information shared and demonstrated here at Lit. It has made me a better writer, but also it has improved my confidence and made me ask more of my writing than I had ever done before.

Thanks! And a big KISS for reading!


- Judo

 

[The_old_man]

Altho I am male, lesbian scenes do get the juces flowing. Probably because I have oral tendencies.

On to the review: locale. Believable bur somewhat shallow.

Charicterisation: Again , believable. Not probable, but believable.

Sex: Hot, but could profit from a bit more detail. Shaved? Taste? Fermness and color of flesh? Odor?

General: I got an erection and a wet spot in my shorts. That is the main point in sex stories, so it was a good story. The lack of further interaction with Linda left a feeling of incompletion, mabe just her appearance on the beach to hint at some troy action.

I did enjoy the story.

 

[Ayaka]

I enjoyed it very much, I liked Debbie and wanted to know more about her. I'm not very good at this but I just wanted to let you know that, as a reader, I really enjoyed it.

 

[daughter]

Judo--

Read your story. Some hot scenes. A few things I think I would consider in a re-write. Overall, this needs trimming. Fewer words would quicken the pace of the read. Pacing is important. A story dragged out too long will wane a reader's interest. Good details, but you tend to tell more than you illustrate. Instead of telling the reader that Annette is excited, try to use words and actions that show how excited she is.

Thanks for the read.

Peace,

daughter

 

[Mickie]

Interruptus4


Since this is a well-written and well-thought piece of work, I’m going to stick to the content, rather than the grammatical issues. (That’s actually a compliment! When I can ignore the grammar and get into the ‘meat’ of a story is when I enjoy critiquing the most!) So, in order to accommodate the wide variety of things I could say about this story, I’m going to do the crit in a list style.

Setting -- There are several different actual places here, which is good. A variety works well when doing a strictly sexual piece of work. It makes the sex, itself, more varied. The only thing I would suggest is to add to what you already have. Things like weather could be incorporated in a more varied way. You have a lot of sun and fun here, but how about a rain shower? Personally, the sight of a woman enjoying getting drenched in a sudden downpour is erotic to me. It’s sensual. Or the heat could have been more apparent on the beach, etc.

Character -- Your main character, Debbie, has some definite promise. However, I don’t see any internal struggle, even though this lifestyle is new to her. Why is she so accepting of such a large change in her life? Perhaps there’s more to it in the earlier chapters, in which case I would apologize for mentioning it. The only other character is Annette, but she seems to be a bit of a carbon copy of Debbie, just further along in her ideology. Some differences between them, aside from hair and eye color, would make the interplay between them more interesting. IE -- A very shy woman with a very outgoing woman. Or a woman with a lot of structured education with a woman who got her education in the streets. A business woman vs a woman who inherited riches. The ideas are endless.

Dialogue -- believable and easy to read, although there’s nothing in there to mark character. Small idiosyncrasies in speech for each character can sometimes be a way to add differences to each person.

Writing style -- clear and easy to read. What I don’t see here is a real ‘style’. It follows the rules, and doesn’t bend them. I’d say you know HOW to write very well. It’s time to start breaking a few rules and creating a style that’s uniquely yours. This would add some drama to your writing, rather than keeping it ‘to the facts’. It would give you an edge.

Plot -- I like the idea of coitus interruptus as being a theme here, but I think it was underplayed. That might just be a result of the writing style, though. A little more drama during the interruptions might help, but I wouldn’t change the actual plot points. This is a chapter in a longer work, so I won’t comment on completeness or overall roundedness.

Okay, general comments -- The biggest problem I can find is the characterization. I have no sense of a character goal, or where the character really wants to end up aside from in Annette’s bed. This would help to flesh out the character of Debbie, and give the actual plot a good basis. The biggest plus is that you know how to write, and convey what you see in your head onto the page. This really requires more along the lines of ‘tweaking’ rather than re-writing. Good job!

As you can tell, I enjoy conflict in a story, even when the story’s primary purpose is to provide an excuse to write about sex. With the name, I’d add a little frustration in there when things are interrupted. If you make that frustration a part of the conflict, and echo it out into the things that don’t have to do with sex, you’d have a much stronger story. As it is, the characters merely accept the interruptions as a part of the routine. Each time, the interrupted attempt at sex should leave lingering desire, heightening until they actually fulfill the promise of a climax. Perhaps it has to do with pacing. So, I’ll address that.

Pacing -- In any story, you have the solid ground of the first paragraph. This is the starting point, and it’s going to lead to the most dramatic moment in the story, the climax -- when all is revealed and so on. In this, you can take it literally. This is going to lead to a real life, mind blowing orgasm. The trick to getting there is to use plot points. Each time they are interrupted is a plot point. You build to those moments, get the reader all hot and bothered right along with Debbie, and then let them down to solid ground again. Each time you need to build up to a higher moment. When you can do nothing more, and you’ve interrupted them at the highest possible moment, then the next occurrence is the fulfillment. The ups and downs are pacing, and it leaves the reader with a true reaction.

Hope this helps!

Mickie

 

[KillerMuffin]

I'm sorry Judo, I got bored after the first page. It's just not my kind of story because I couldn't get into the characters at all. I'm not exactly sure why. They just felt a little flat to me.

Character development is about one thing, basically, the transitioning of a character from one "life philosophy" to another "life philosophy." I would think that if you took Debbie from being straight to being, at the least, bisexual from Chapter 1 to chapter 4, there would a great deal of internal conflict in the beginning and a sense of acceptance at the end. (I went back and read them all).

Like Mickie said, why? A person does not go from the prevailing and accepted sexual preference to an entirely new and undertought sexual preference without some angst. Sex makes them hot, feelings make them human. Self-doubts, fears, facing the fears, all of that make them very real. I didn't see any of that in the story.

When we choose heroes, we want heroes that not only had to overcome great obstacles, but had to overcome personal obstacles as well. We like it when a guy saves a cat from the fifth story of a burning apartment building. We love it when the guy is terrified of cats and does it. There are a myriad of ways of describing someone's feelings without actually saying "She felt nervous" or resorting to only adverbs.

Anyway, to expound on why I felt the characters were flat. Debbie, in 1, has presumably never had a lesbian encounter before, or even really thought of it. Then she does the porn video and gets off while watching her best friend. In 2, first line, she reaches directly for Annette and pulls her down for some intense kissing. That's asking me to suspend too much belief. Kissing is the most intimate thing a person can do with another. It's extremely personal and extremely vulnerable. She'd never even seen a woman masturbate before and suddenly she's passionately kissing another woman? Without fear, trepidation, nervousness, anxiety, or anything else? Particularly when she has a boyfriend who is constantly trying to maker her relationship with Annette look bad and she's afraid he'll spread lesbian rumors all over town?

This is the place where the story goes from being erotica to being porn. Suddenly the whole video scene goes from being a clever way into making the protagonist confront her desires to being an excuse for sex.

The only other problem I had was with "tags." I think, based on other things I've read, that Judo has gotten past it these days. Nearly every speech phrase in the story was tagged. I said, I yelled, I thought. For anyone else who is wondering about "tags," they are about the most unnecessary words people stick in stories. Most of the time you can identify the speaker easily by the action going on or the fact that they use the other person's name. The only time you need to use them is when you cannot identify the speaker. Using actions rather than tag words is preferable, but in some instances you need a tag word. If you ever need to use more than said or asked because of word variety issues, you're using them too often. But that's a lesson all on its own and nothing to do with Judo.

This is what I think, Judo has an extremely good porn story on her hands here. She's got a set of characters who are doing extremely erotic things with each other. She has a potential for extremely good erotica. If she re-developed the characters. I think that bringing in John a little more often would help doing that because he's a blatant reminder that she's straight and lesbianism is wrong. Dealing with her feelings that way is also dealing with her feelings about a new lifestyle. If I could get into the characters, I would actually buy the book.

 

[JUDO]

Cut it out!

Willya? I thought we were just messin' around?

This feedback is so incredible, so well done, so...damnit, now I have to do the same thing here and in other threads. Geez!

Thanks so much for taking the time out of your busy lives to really think about this story and my writing. I don't have the words to express how I feel about that.

I'm going to print this stuff out, tack it to the wall above my computer and highlight the fun parts like "I have no sense of a character goal..." and "A person does not go from the prevailing and accepted sexual preference to an entirely new and undertought sexual preference without some angst". Like "Duh!" *smacks self around the room*

It's funny, you know these things and yet...

Mick and KM, thanks for pushing me down the stairs. I'll hold the handrail next time.


- Judo

 

[REDWAVE]

Just a "one-handed" story

I read Interruptus 4; I didn't read the 3 episodes leading up to it. This is just a "one-handed" story, nothing more. The characters are flat and one-dimensional, there's no sense of their past, or the larger societal context in which they exist, etc. The sex has strong voyeuristic/exhibitionistic elements-- playing with each other in the car, & Linda watching. There is a possibility of group sex-- a threesome-- which is not developed. In short, for a pure sex story, the sex is too tame and mild (for me, anyway), and for a "literary" sex story, there's nothing going on, in terms of character development and thematic elements. However, the story is well-written on a purely mechanical level.

 

[Lynn]

OK, on the technical level...

Technically I found very few errors, but this one near the top of the story bugged me:

>I took my shower quickly, toweled off and brushed my hair. Annette came in >and started doing her makeup. As I got dressed, I thought about our last trip >to Mexico. It had been at least a year since we had been to Ensenada and I >was eager to see it again. I slipped on my shorts, put on my favorite Hawaiian >shirt and jumped in my sandals.

>I put the last few items in my beach bag. Annette came in the bathroom and >grabbed me. "You look great!" she said.

Why would Annette come in the bathroom, she was already there. These and a few places where you were talking in the active tense and mixed it with the passive (can't find it now - it was with the car and driving) put me off.

The story was interesting - I liked how it started with having to recall things that the reader did not read about (even if there are previous stories that cover the boyfriend etc, it was still a good stand-alone piece of work).

I won't harp on the conflict of the characters, but to say everyone else is correct there needs to be something there.

I liked the plot-line and the pacing - erotic writing isn't about getting the reader off in the shortest amount of time possible (or getting them off at all actually) it has to have substance - otherwise just look at pictures or a movie.

Good attempt was made here, I look forward to more.

Lynn - back from another vacation and happy to be here.

 

[JUDO]

Great stuff!

Thanks everybody. This is wonderful stuff you're laying on me. I'm trying to pick my next story to write and all of this will really help me get going.

Sorry, Lynn, about the "active" versus passive "stuff." Damn bad habit of mine and I always have to catch it in rewrite but obviously often miss it.

Sorry, too, that the characters feel so flat and one-dimensional to everyone. I didn't feel that myself. I will have to try and figure that one out. I did a lot of backstory on the characters and know their dislikes, etc. But the one item so far that seems to ring true with Debbie and Annette stems from Debbie's lack of arc regarding issues that should be present and aren't.

That is something that I could greatly improve upon, but frankly when I was writing, Debbie didn't mention it to me. Ah well...

Maybe more meditation...


- Judo

 

[KillerMuffin]

That brings to mind a question or so.

Exactly how important is character development here? Due to the scoring and, no doubt, the email she received, Judo has what some people consider a superb story. It does it for them. For others of us the sex was either a little too tame or the character's lack of development did us in.

Do you need to fully develop characters more than you need raunchy sex? Is there a time when a story is more successful if the characters take a back seat to the development?

 

[daughter]

Killer Muffin--

Great question. If you're writing a story and the focus is about the sex, I suspect you're going to have less character development. Story length also affects how much attention is given to setting, pace, tone and characters.

I have read plenty of flash fiction and some was written exceptionally well. Gotta tell you, I didn't know a character's complete history. What I did learn was enough about the character to make the story work.

The more a involved a story, the greater expectation I have for character development and other details like setting.

Hope you get more responses. Good topic.

Peace,

daughter

 

[Uther_Pendragon]

Interuptus

Some really hot scenes.
But where is the *story*?
They petted in the car on the way doen to Baja (That is a
bilingual redundancy, but no matter.) They shopped, and
made love, and attracted the propietor. They made love on
the beach by the store proprietor's house.

But there is nothing -- except the worry for the other
cars in traffic with them -- developing. Indeed, any of
the 3 segments would be a more satisfying vignette.

 

[JUDO]

Star Wars

UP -

It's like Star Wars, only I actually began with episode 1. I still have two episodes left in the second trilogy.

Now, if I could just remember where I stuck my light saber!

*TAHHHH-TAH! TA-TA-TA TAHHH-TAH!*


- Judo