Internet Love and Emotional Attachments...a new type?

[ksmybuttons]

I think "love" is being given another definition by the internet. As the form of communication is different than any experienced before, I find how I become emotionally attached is different, too.

I have a long term relationship with a man I met on line. We are both married. We communicate and interact in a totally different way then we do with our physical life partners. We share differently. We only have words: the telephone, e-mail and instant messages.

We share. We talk about our feelings, our changing roles in the world around us. We share our joys and sorrows. We would have never met if it weren't for the internet as we are also very different in many ways.

I would miss him if he chose to leave, just as I know he would miss me. He offers me a new dimension in friendship and love that I cannot experience off of this medium. He and I are growing together in a different way than I am with my husband.

I love him. It is different then how I love my physical friends, I will never hug or touch him and that is okay.

He has given me a new kind of love that is just as valid as any other type. It is just different.

I think there is a place for this new definition of love and that it does not give a lesser value to all the other types of love in my life.

What do you think?

 

[JennyOmanHill]

There is a deeper level of love and friendship that can be developed with an online, as opposed to an offline, relationship.

People tend to be more open and direct with words without being face-to-face with a person. It sounds like you and your online partner have developed a very bonding friendship. You seem to be "there" for each other, but also are honest about the offline relationships that are the main portion of your lives.

In my case I never expected anything "real" to develop from chatting and posting on an erotic website! After getting my full of random "cybering" (using different "personalities"), which was fun for a while (but totally acting on my part) I began to realize that some of the LIT "regulars" were good company. I dropped all the others, and became "Jenny" full-time online.

I am still amazed that as soon as I became "myself" through the Jenny name, that friendships opened up for me online, and I began to really care about the lives of my fellow "tubbers" (in chat area).

Then an even more amazing thing happened as I met Oman one late and lonely night! I fell in love with him, and it was a very scary experience since I still carried concerns over the mysteries of the internet! In a very gradual way, our relationship grew. We didn't exchange real names and addresses until a broken PC forced us to be out of contact for 4 days! That's when I realized I had fallen in love, and we eventually traded pictures, talked on the phone, and met when he visited me in February.

We probably would never have met at all if it weren't for the internet, but we are a REAL couple now, still separated by distance, but we're a stronger pair than most of the other couples I know.

Personally, I don't expect that I could have two separate "loves". But it sounds like your online guy is your best friend, and it's a comfort to share experiences and really be yourself with someone, either online or off.

 

[Dhalgren]

Ksmybuttons…
I think your posts are absolutely brilliant.
You definitely have a way with words.

I believe that we share a different kind of bond through these here copper wires..

Magick along with a special brand of Kismet happen on a daily basis.

I was chatting with a friend not too long ago and found myself typing ”Lucky Strike” for no apparent reason..

Then he went on to ask me how I knew he was lighting a Lucky cigarette at that exact moment.

(I didn't even know he smoked)

Connections will indeed happen out here..whether you are looking for them or not.

 

[Ginny]

What do you think?

i thank god for al gore discovering the internet....every damn day....because....i get to experience what being in love with your best friend is really like...the overwhelming love...the passion...the never wanning lust....the laughter...the caring...the sharing...

it's scary to think about......never having met my turtle....never having experienced that true love i always fantasized about....my relationship with him exceeds my wildest fantasies and dreams...it makes me feel complete.....

i agree with you ksmybuttons..******* love is quite valid...the intensity of it....is due to the form of communication....the openness of writing back and forth online.....talking on the telephone...i'm not sure if i'd call it a different kind of love though...love is love....though i do get what you are saying.....

i love tortoise with all my heart...<smiling>...he is my everything.....

enjoy your love, ksmybuttons!

 

[Aphrodisiac]

We communicate and interact in a totally different way then we do with our physical life partners. We share differently. We only have words: the telephone, e-mail and instant messages.

We share. We talk about our feelings, our changing roles in the world around us. We share our joys and sorrows. We would have never met if it weren't for the internet as we are also very different in many ways.

I would miss him if he chose to leave, just as I know he would miss me. He offers me a new dimension in friendship and love that I cannot experience off of this medium. He and I are growing together in a different way than I am with my husband.

I love him. It is different then how I love my physical friends, I will never hug or touch him and that is okay.

ks,

You say he offers you some thing that you can not get from your husband and from what I have read ... it seems you 2 share a lot and seem to be very close.

Would you like to hug him in real life ?
Would you like to see if what you share on the internet will still be there in real life ?

You are not curious ???

 

[Dhalgren]

Um, Gore didn’t discover the Internet…
(why do people actually believe that?)


Ah never mind..
Love is Grand in every single form it takes..

 

[MorgaineLaFay]

In short .. I know from my own experiences I am curious as hell ... when the time is right...I plan to find out for myself.


Morgy

 

[Vivacia]

My SO started as an online friend, we were both married in RL, but they were a little rocky - we formed a bond while trying to support each other through the rough spots...

We met face to face in Oct 2000 and there was a definate physical spark there. But even before that meeting we knew we were falling in love, it got to the point that we were spending every waking moment online talking together. One night I decided to call him using my mobile phone just to hear his voice, and that call was just the first of many, it didn't take long before it passed from the mobile to the home phone...

We never hid our feelings from our RL spouses but they didn't seem bothered by our growing bond, and we did try to break things off at one point, but after 3 days of being out of touch we realised that there was no way we could survive without each other.

Jan last year his wife left him, I moved in with him that April - neither of us have looked back since.

I agree that the net is opening up more ways of meeting friends and developing stronger sometimes more honest friendships, but it is also allowing alot of people to fall in love, sometimes without meaning too... people should be careful of the net, though (as mine relationship has proved) it can work, it isn't without a certain amount of hurt if there are RL partners involved too...

 

[Ginny]

Um, Gore didn’t discover the Internet…
(why do people actually believe that?

umm...duhhhh...it twas a joke...<snicker>

 

[Dhalgren]

Oh my...Ginny the Aardvark.
I actually took you seriously on a beautiful thread for a splinter of a moment.

See, I didn't see the usual <snicker, DUH! I'm laughing at you> in site.

Won't happen again...I absolutely assure you.


Emotions on the net seem to be magnified from our real life emotions..don't you think?

 

[ksmybuttons]

Re: Re: Internet Love and Emotional Attachments...a new type?

Would you like to hug him in real life ?
Would you like to see if what you share on the internet will still be there in real life ?

You are not curious ???

It is not something either of us expect or want. That is why I believe that there is a new and different definition of love where the internet is concerned.

All love has limits. The love I feel for friends, my child, my parents and now my internet friend/love are all different. We have defined its boundaries and live within them, just as I do with all of my other types of love.

Put the lightbulb on...think of it as change and think of it as different.

We can take it to the physical if we so desire, but we don't need to. It does not interfer or make my love less for my husband. It is different and that is a wonder to discover.

 

[Vivacia]

oh definately more intense, though saying that the feelings Basil and I share haven't deminished in the slighest from the transition from Online to RL...

A bit of advice for KS to take or leave as she wishes... IF you ARE curious about holding your online friend in RL, if you are happy in your marriage then don't do it even if you get the option! Bas and I were the same kind of friends as you seem to be with yours, and as soon as we met it went that extra fobidden step and turned into love - real love. Unless you are prepared for the possibility of this "friend" becoming alot more to you then that, keep it online...

Like I say take or leave it, I just remember how much hurt was involved to get me to this state of happiness...

 

[tn_8tiv]

I think "love" is being given another definition by the internet. As the form of communication is different than any experienced before, I find how I become emotionally attached is different, too.

You have expressed to much in this post that is right on. I heard a definition for love last night that seems to express a lot of what you said. Love is what is left over after the "being in love" fades. When you get to really know someone on line and find yourself sharing so much with that person, what remains is love.

 

[Ginny]

All love has limits. The love I feel for friends, my child, my parents and now my internet friend/love are all different. We have defined its boundaries and live within them, just as I do with all of my other types of love.

Put the lightbulb on...think of it as change and think of it as different.

We can take it to the physical if we so desire, but we don't need to. It does not interfer or make my love less for my husband. It is different and that is a wonder to discover.

you're right ksmybuttons...my mind locked on different being of lesser value....not as pure....or something....<nodding>....it is different....and a wonder indeed....

(sorry 'bout the al gore disruption on your thread...<winking>....damn thread hijackers!....<snicker>)

 

[jass1960]

oh definately more intense, though saying that the feelings Basil and I share haven't deminished in the slighest from the transition from Online to RL...

Basil! Basil?

You are joking? Right?

You fell for someone on the internet called Basil?

 

[Vivacia]

His Nickname on here is BasilDD... not in RL trust me...

 

[Dhalgren]

Humans are indeed capable of loving in many different ways, in many different forms.

I absolutely agree with you, ksmy..
We will never love two people the exact same way…and I find it very strange when a person loves somebody so much that they really don’t want to see that person love anybody else.

As if love must remain in one form at all times.

In my humble opinion..
That isn’t love..it’s simple possession.


I’m on the other end of the spectrum..
My husband has had an online girlfriend for three years now.
It’s changed and evolved over time…falling now into a deep friendship.

But I wouldn’t want to take that experience away from my lover..


(Ginny that isn't remotely highjacking..you said something in the conversation and I replied to it..)

 

[plasticman33]

In RL you are attracted to someones physical appearance. On the internet you are attracted to someones mind. Unlike RL, the physical side does not interfere with getting to know someone intimately.

You can fall in love with someone unseen. Strange, but true. If you finally meet face to face and it still works for both of you, you are doubly blessed!

 

[jass1960]

His Nickname on here is BasilDD... not in RL trust me...

Thank god for that - had me worried for a moment!

 

[JennyOmanHill]

In RL you are attracted to someones physical appearance. On the internet you are attracted to someones mind. Unlike RL, the physical side does not interfere with getting to know someone intimately.

You can fall in love with someone unseen. Strange, but true. If you finally meet face to face and it still works for both of you, you are doubly blessed!

Plasticman... you've said it perfectly (not rambling like my initial response!).

I DO feel doubly blessed; just wish I could figure a way to get Missouri closer to NYC!

 

[Vivacia]

Trust me Jenny when you guys do get together it will be explosive! It was for me!

 

[tortoise]

I think, as with all human interaction, it depends upon the individuals involved, but the internet does provide the potential to form the very tightest of bonds. My relationship with Ginny exceeds my wildest imagination; I never even dreamed it was possible to have this complete attachment, this total partnership, this intense passion that is at the same time the easiest, most natural thing in the world. We trust each other completely, the kind of trust that goes beyond thought. It's almost like saying "I trust that my arm won't fall off." We NEVER even hesitate for a second to tell the other how we are thinking, because we KNOW, with an absolute certainty, that it will be okay... no matter what. We share EVERYTHING, and it's as easy as breathing. Internet communication can be tricky at times, because you can't hear the person's vocal inflections or see their body language. But when the trust is absolute, that is never a problem, because even if there are momentary misunderstandings, they are just that: momentary. Easy to clear up. I know what it's like when that level of trust and understanding is not there; every other romantic relationships I've ever had has been plagued with doubt. With Ginny, there is NEVER a doubt. Period.

Excellent thread, ksmybuttons. Thanks.

 

[Guest]

I DO feel doubly blessed; just wish I could figure a way to get Missouri closer to NYC!

You and me both darlin.

My online 'friend' is in NYC and I'm about 30 miles from Jenny's man right now. Hardly seems fair.

What I share with him is entirely different than anything I've ever had with someone I had actual physical contact with. I met him in a chat on another site, and we talked for hours and hours that night about stupid shit. Childhood memories, favorite books, toys we played with, movies we love... things I've never talked about with my spouse because there's so much other baggage in our relationship. We've talked almost everyday since. I've never heard his voice on the phone. We'd been talking for ages before we exchanged photos, and by that time, it was simple curiousity about whether the picture in my head matched the real person. It was surprisingly similar, and completely unimportant.

We're both married. Neither of us particularly happy, but both of us trying to make something of the relationships we're in. We help each other through difficult situations. More than once, I've been ready to walk out the door, and he's given me a thousand reasons to stay, and wished me well. You don't find that often, someone you can be loved by who wants so much for you to be happy that they're willing to watch you be happy with someone else.

I have other online relationships, with varying levels of intimacy, and emotional attachment. With some, it's a close bond of friendship, with others, it's been a wonderful physical diversion that became friendship. Still others could easily blossom into something more, a version of love that is just as strong and real, yet still different than any other.

Yes, we all run the risk of being burned, and burned badly. But it's a risk we run every single day offline too. We all have scars, some of us are just more willing to risk getting new ones.

 

[plasticman33]

Plasticman... you've said it perfectly (not rambling like my initial response!).

I DO feel doubly blessed; just wish I could figure a way to get Missouri closer to NYC!

Any way to meet in the middle, Jenny?

I know it's tough, mine was almost 3000 miles away.

 

[ksmybuttons]

I had dashed off my initial thoughts while I was getting ready for work this morning. I thought about it all day, came back and read what had happened while I was gone.

I do not love my husband less because of my on-line actions. We have been together for 17 years. We have a 6 year old together. We fit. I would never have a sexually physical relationship with another person as long as my commitment is to him. That is a personal integrity issue and part of the trust of our relationship.

On-line love is new, it is different. I want a definition for it. It is not only a friendship - it is more. Mine has sexual components but it is all cerebral. It is close. Day to day physical life does not enter in to it unless one of us is not feeling well and then we respect the time and space needed to heal and can participate in the healing by offering verbal comfort.

I have been introduced to thoughts, dreams and fantasies that I would have never explored because neither I nor my husband would have thought of them. In many ways it enhances my relationship with my husband because it enhances me.

The possibilities of on-line love are infinite. They do not have to be confined to just one person, I could have as many on-line loves for which I have the energy and time.