Interested in thoughts on my latest effort...

[Samuel667]

Hi, I've submitted my second story for Lit and I'm interested in reader feedback, both positive and critical. Obviously, any technical problems I'd like to hear about. But I'm also interested in what readers think of the story, plot, characters, flow, etc.

It's a story about several female college students who all are on the college crew team together. of course, sex ensues. It's not too long or involved (it doesn't take too long to get to the sex), but I'd like to think it's more than your average wham, bam, and done story. I tried to develop the characters a little bit. I'm interested in hearing how you think I've done.

Feel free to leave feedback in the public comment section, here on the forum, in a pm, or by sending me an email using the "anonymous feedback" feature on the story page.

Here's the link:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=413151

Thanks,
Sam

 

[Scopo]

I honestly like it so far. You have done a very good job with development. I will have to wait until you add more but I am a little concerned about the pace. I see stories like this that have a lot of development at the front end and then degenerate into sex scene after sex scene. To me the key is to place the sex throughout and then add the development where it belongs. What are your plans for Jim? At the least a good old fashioned voyeurism scene of the girls in the gym showers or such might work well here.

 

[Samuel667]

Scopo,
Thanks for the feedback. I appreciate it. Your point about a lot of build up and then just sex, sex, sex is a good one to keep in mind. I wanted this chapter to be able to stand on it's own (who knows if I'll ever get around to Chapter 2), but if I do write more, I think involving Jim in some way will happen.

Again, thanks.

Sam

I honestly like it so far. You have done a very good job with development. I will have to wait until you add more but I am a little concerned about the pace. I see stories like this that have a lot of development at the front end and then degenerate into sex scene after sex scene. To me the key is to place the sex throughout and then add the development where it belongs. What are your plans for Jim? At the least a good old fashioned voyeurism scene of the girls in the gym showers or such might work well here.

 

[Samuel667]

Hi, I've submitted my second story for Lit and I'm interested in reader feedback, both positive and critical. Obviously, any technical problems I'd like to hear about. But I'm also interested in what readers think of the story, plot, characters, flow, etc.

It's a story about several female college students who all are on the college crew team together. of course, sex ensues. It's not too long or involved (it doesn't take too long to get to the sex), but I'd like to think it's more than your average wham, bam, and done story. I tried to develop the characters a little bit. I'm interested in hearing how you think I've done.

Feel free to leave feedback in the public comment section, here on the forum, in a pm, or by sending me an email using the "anonymous feedback" feature on the story page.

Here's the link:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=413151

Thanks,
Sam

Does anyone else have any thoughts? I'm getting a lot of people reading but few comments...

 

[Guest]

Does anyone else have any thoughts? I'm getting a lot of people reading but few comments...

Your writing's pretty good--nothing major to criticize. I think that the story is a bit flat emotionally, and I see two reasons for that. The first is the omniscient viewpoint--you're variously in Jim's, Annie's, and Katie's heads, and then Kelly's at the very end, although most of the story revolves around Annie. You have good depth on Annie but Katie and Jim seem emotionally flat. Omniscient viewpoint is tricky to handle in a very short story; I think this one would be better off told from the third-person perspective--Annie's.

The second thing I see is that you're telling us of the characters' passions during the sex scenes rather than showing us. Consider this passage:

Annie moved lower and flicked Katie's large, dark nipples, gently sucking on one and then the other. Katie moaned and ran her hands over the smooth skin of Annie's back. Annie took as much of one of Katie's small tits into her mouth as she could and sucked. Another moan came from Katie, the verbal encouragement prompting Annie to gently bite one of Katie's nipples. Katie squealed in pleasure as her hands dug into Annie's back, her desire growing.

This is almost all external--it's a description from the outside. How do Katie's nipples feel in Annie's mouth? Is Annie's back just smooth or is it also soft over muscle--she's a rower, after all. How does she feel when Katie digs her fingernails into her back? Powerful? Thrilled? Hurt?

Anyway, you get the idea. External descriptions of hot sex tend to devolve into "then she did this and I did this." Except in pure stroke stories, and not always in those, what happens is still secondary to how the characters involved feel about it. Readers understand the mechanics; they want to feel with the characters.

That's my two cents, for what it's worth. Others will probably have different ideas.

 

[Samuel667]

Gnome - Thanks for your feedback. It's exactly what I was looking for. These are good, concrete things I can work on. I've always had a hard time writing expressions of feelings and emotions. I plan on resubmitting the story with some edits, so I'll try and add some of Annie's feelings and reactions into it.

Again, I really appreciate you taking the time to read it and get back to me.

Sam

 

[ellabee]

I liked this a lot, Samuel. I thought it was realistic and well timed. The sex, too, seemed realistic. It was hot, but not overly erotic, tear my clothes off and fuck you, hot. It was natural, soft, curious, simple...and well written. So nicely done on that front.

I would echo Gnome's sentiments about Jim. After reading the story, Jim seemed very much a frivolous character. He was realistic in the sense that as soon as I thought "creeper," the girls uttered it as well, but I'm not sure what is purpose is other than a way to introduce the characters and give them something to talk about at various points. Suzanne, too, might not need to be mentioned, as she ends up having very little bearing in the story. With short stories like this, I feel that the fewer characters, the better. Especially when there are four similar friend characters...the names get mixed up in my head too easily.

I would also like to recommend the story be told solely from Annie's perspective, or maybe Katie's. It would be an interesting idea to play with - Katie on her date and then in the quiet, shy, yet experienced, Annie's arms...or Annie's throughout. I like getting into a character's head during the sex scenes, feeling what they are feeling rather than being told the coordinates of their hands on key sex organs.

But overall, I did enjoy it. I thought it was well done, a clear departure from the "we're friends, let's fuck" aspect of most lesbian stories. As a woman, I thought it was accurate and tasteful while still being erotic. I'd like to read more from you, sir!

 

[Samuel667]

I liked this a lot, Samuel. I thought it was realistic and well timed. The sex, too, seemed realistic.....

Thanks Ellabee. I appreciate you taking the time to read it and comment. I'm much more into realistic characters. They turn me on a lot more than the stereotypical "blonde, 5-8, tan, athletic, perfectly formed boobs, etc". I want characters that are imperfect, aren't porn stars in bed, etc. I'm glad you seem to appreciate that as well.

I, too, prefer getting into a character's head when I'm reading so that I identify with what he or she is going through. Unfortunately, I just need some improvement in writing it that way. As for Jim, he's mainly there as a vehicle for me to describe physically what the gals look like. I was also thinking of including him in a potential next chapter. Suzanne's just there because each crew boat needs a coxswain. I understand too many characters can be confusing, perhaps I can think of way to do away with them.

Again, thanks for the feedback.

Sam

 

[Guest]

Gnome - Thanks for your feedback. It's exactly what I was looking for. These are good, concrete things I can work on. I've always had a hard time writing expressions of feelings and emotions. I plan on resubmitting the story with some edits, so I'll try and add some of Annie's feelings and reactions into it.

Again, I really appreciate you taking the time to read it and get back to me.

Sam

My pleasure. I look forward to more from you.

 

[ellabee]

A coxswain, you say! Well, pardon me. .

In all seriousness...I don't think the vast majority of your readers would know that each team needs a coxswain or even notice a fourth was missing. I think that's the fine line you need to straddle when you write a story. Yes, it's realistic, but is it necessary? Does it detract?

Just my two cents and something to consider.

And, again, sir, well done.

 

[Samuel667]

A coxswain, you say! Well, pardon me. .

In all seriousness...I don't think the vast majority of your readers would know that each team needs a coxswain or even notice a fourth was missing. I think that's the fine line you need to straddle when you write a story. Yes, it's realistic, but is it necessary? Does it detract?

Just my two cents and something to consider.

And, again, sir, well done.

Haha...yes, you can't have a three person boat, but as you say, most people don't know or care. Thanks again!