Inspiration for insecure writers

[Bramblethorn]

So, Sean Penn published a novel. Apparently it manages to be much worse than you would expect from the words "Sean Penn published a novel", which is quite an achievement.

If you feel like your work isn't good enough to share with the world, please take a moment to read those excerpts and remind yourself that somebody actually paid to publish an entire book of this:

Whenever he felt these collisions of incubus and succubus, he punched his way out of the proletariat with the purposeful inputting of covert codes, thereby drawing distraction through Scottsdale deployments, dodging the ambush of innocents astray, evading the viscount vogue of Viagratic assaults on virtual vaginas, or worse, falling passively into prosaic pastimes.

 

[TarnishedPenny]

Whenever he felt these collisions of incubus and succubus, he punched his way out of the proletariat with the purposeful inputting of covert codes, thereby drawing distraction through Scottsdale deployments, dodging the ambush of innocents astray, evading the viscount vogue of Viagratic assaults on virtual vaginas, or worse, falling passively into prosaic pastimes.

Eew. Just eew.

And I'm sure that it will be the subject of glowing reviews in the media any day now.

 

[Blind_Justice]

Reads suspiciously like autotext generator 2.0 to me. People read this without having a gun pointed at them?

 

[RocketLauncher]

If you feel like your work isn't good enough to share with the world, please take a moment to read those excerpts and remind yourself that somebody actually paid to publish an entire book of this:

Let's not forget 50 Shades with it's ongoing crime against the written word:

His pointer finger circled my puckered love cave. 'Are you ready for this?' he mewled, smirking at me like a mother hamster about to eat her three-legged young.

I pull him deeper into my mouth so I can feel him at the back of my throat and then to the front again. My tongue swirls around the end. He's my very own Christian Grey-flavored Popsicle. I suck harder and harder. ... My inner goddess is doing the merengue with some salsa moves.

 

[PrettyLilPussy]

Ha, I just listened to his interview on WTF with Marc Maron. He is definitely the center of his own universe and inspired by his own genius.

 

[JasonClearwater]

Let's not forget 50 Shades with it's ongoing crime against the written word:

His pointer finger circled my puckered love cave. 'Are you ready for this?' he mewled, smirking at me like a mother hamster about to eat her three-legged young.

I pull him deeper into my mouth so I can feel him at the back of my throat and then to the front again. My tongue swirls around the end. He's my very own Christian Grey-flavored Popsicle. I suck harder and harder. ... My inner goddess is doing the merengue with some salsa moves.

Is that seriously in the book??

 

[Blind_Justice]

Is that seriously in the book??

I have edited a few stories since I came here, but no one had dared show me this level of insane drek. Who busy this shit?

That "love cave" sentence is wrong on so many levels. YIKES. I know I write not-so-hot sex scenes, but... butt...

*head explodes*

 

[Desiremakesmeweak]

Bramblethorn, for god's sake!

1. Everybody already knows Sean Penn is an occasional 'employee' of the US Department - and 2. Heather Nauert just reached out to me; so why are we talking about Penn all of a sudden?

So is this just an accident on your part? Or are you one of these psychic-type people who jump in like this a lot... Or are you part of this thing now?

Please don't drag stuff across the traces unless you have a good reason to do it (or unless it was, indeed 'just an accident'). Penn is not someone I would deal with under any circumstances. He's on a different team to people such as myself (and I'm on the side of everyone being safe at home at night or wherever they are doing whatever is legal). ... But that is not our friend Mr. Penn. Sean Penn is backed by the CFR and Henry Kissinger and all of that. He once or twice tried his hand at screenplays. Not good, not bad, definitely not close to great.

I guess I just told you who paid for Sean Penn to be published, then, haven't I.

And when you factor in that Christopher Steele writes rubbish too, then you maybe can conclude that these people are not too discriminate when it comes to having someone send out (written) messages in a cleft stick as it were.

So no, in my own arrogant view, I don't think Penn counts as a good example that people will REGULARLY or OFTEN pay to publish rubbish authors - even if they are minor celebrities - and we can't use him as a means of building up our own self-confidence if we are also weak writers. But the point you raise is still an interesting one, but... '...the world is not what it seems, Gunny.' Is it? (Levon Helm in a flick starring Mark Wahlberg).

Any writer who cares about writing, cares about constantly improving his or her ability.

 

[Desiremakesmeweak]

Do any of you even know what 'Scottsdale deployments' means?

 

[Blind_Justice]

Do any of you even know what 'Scottsdale deployments' means?

No fucking clue. But then, most of that one sentence doesn't make sense to me. I get about three words of it. Incubus, Succubus and Viagra. So... I guess sex?

 

[SimonDoom]

That reads like a Bulwer-Lytton contest entry, and a promising one, at that.

 

[Captainnumnuts]

So, Sean Penn published a novel. Apparently it manages to be much worse than you would expect from the words "Sean Penn published a novel", which is quite an achievement.

If you feel like your work isn't good enough to share with the world, please take a moment to read those excerpts and remind yourself that somebody actually paid to publish an entire book of this:

I'd like to see whatever Sean Penn has written about Pablo Escobar.

 

[RocketLauncher]

Let's not forget 50 Shades with it's ongoing crime against the written word:

His pointer finger circled my puckered love cave. 'Are you ready for this?' he mewled, smirking at me like a mother hamster about to eat her three-legged young.

I pull him deeper into my mouth so I can feel him at the back of my throat and then to the front again. My tongue swirls around the end. He's my very own Christian Grey-flavored Popsicle. I suck harder and harder. ... My inner goddess is doing the merengue with some salsa moves.

Is that seriously in the book??

"I pulled him deeper...." p.137

"His voice is warm and husky like dark melted chocolate fudge caramel ... or something." p.25

Puckered love cave is being hotly debated on the interwebz. It might be from her original fan fiction.Having NOT read the book I can't honestly say if it is or isn't but seems about the same quality of writing as the confirmed quotes. But whether it is or isn't who ever penned those lines deserves a gold star for effort, or lack thereof.
I must say E.L James gave me the courage to submit my garbage on here and Sean Penn has now given me the impetus to keep on going.

 

[SimonDoom]

"I pulled him deeper...." p.137

"His voice is warm and husky like dark melted chocolate fudge caramel ... or something." p.25

Puckered love cave is being hotly debated on the interwebz. It might be from her original fan fiction.Having NOT read the book I can't honestly say if it is or isn't but seems about the same quality of writing as the confirmed quotes. But whether it is or isn't who ever penned those lines deserves a gold star for effort, or lack thereof.
I must say E.L James gave me the courage to submit my garbage on here and Sean Penn has now given me the impetus to keep on going.

Yes! I derived similar inspiration from EL James, and her assault on English prose. But my stories have yet to earn what hers have.

The term "inner goddess" appeared, I think, 7,432,711 times in the 50 Shades books. Somebody sicced a supercomputer on it, and that's what it turned up.

 

[Hypoxia]

That reads like a Bulwer-Lytton contest entry, and a promising one, at that.

That's a contest for the worst FIRST sentence of the worst possible story. It's cut-throat competition. The LIT version would contain something like:

"Oh My Fucking God!" Suzy screamed sultrily as she came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and came and...

 

[RocketLauncher]

Yes! I derived similar inspiration from EL James, and her assault on English prose. But my stories have yet to earn what hers have.

The term "inner goddess" appeared, I think, 7,432,711 times in the 50 Shades books. Somebody sicced a supercomputer on it, and that's what it turned up.

Damn, I wish my "inner goddess" would make prolific appearances, I could use the break, it's tiring slogging it out as a mere mortal. Perhaps a blood sacrifice is in order.

 

[Handley_Page]

So, Sean Penn published a novel. Apparently it manages to be much worse than you would expect from the words "Sean Penn published a novel", which is quite an achievement.

If you feel like your work isn't good enough to share with the world, please take a moment to read those excerpts and remind yourself that somebody actually paid to publish an entire book of this:

I didn't understand more that 20% of that (what's 'Scotsdale' ?).

That reads like a Bulwer-Lytton contest entry, and a promising one, at that.

At least his writing is readable, if a little florid.
The Penn bit quoted is wholesale twaddle to me.

 

[SimonDoom]

At least his writing is readable, if a little florid.
The Penn bit quoted is wholesale twaddle to me.

I'm referring to the contest, not to Bulwer-Lytton himself. The contest entries are submitted by people all over the world, and some of the entries are hilarious. Penn's sentence would give some of them a run for their money.

 

[gunhilltrain]

I assume this is his book Bob Honey Who Just Do Stuff.

It now has 2.5 stars on Amazon, although of course that is an average. Readers either loved it or hated it; few are in the middle.

Amazon also has this blurb: “It seems wrong to say that so dystopian a novel is great fun to read, but it’s true. I suspect that Thomas Pynchon and Hunter S. Thompson would love this book.” —Salman Rushdie

I think the title by itself is a bad start.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Let's not forget 50 Shades with it's ongoing crime against the written word:

His pointer finger circled my puckered love cave. 'Are you ready for this?' he mewled, smirking at me like a mother hamster about to eat her three-legged young.

I pull him deeper into my mouth so I can feel him at the back of my throat and then to the front again. My tongue swirls around the end. He's my very own Christian Grey-flavored Popsicle. I suck harder and harder. ... My inner goddess is doing the merengue with some salsa moves.

Fake quote. 50SoG is terrible, but not quite that terrible: https://skeptics.stackexchange.com/...ce=google_rich_qa&utm_campaign=google_rich_qa

 

[Bramblethorn]

Is that seriously in the book??

No, it is not.

 

[Bramblethorn]

That reads like a Bulwer-Lytton contest entry, and a promising one, at that.

There's a separate "Bad Sex In Fiction" award and Penn is a red-hot favourite for this year.

I didn't understand more that 20% of that (what's 'Scotsdale' ?).

At least his writing is readable, if a little florid.
The Penn bit quoted is wholesale twaddle to me.

Yeah, I think Bulwer-Lytton deserves better than his current reputation. As long-term posters will have heard me mention before, he's the guy who gave us "the pen is mightier than the sword" and "the almighty dollar".

 

[ChloeTzang]

Fake quote. 50SoG is terrible, but not quite that terrible: https://skeptics.stackexchange.com/...ce=google_rich_qa&utm_campaign=google_rich_qa

Oh I don't know. I think you captured the flavour really well.

 

[RocketLauncher]

"I pulled him deeper...." p.137

"His voice is warm and husky like dark melted chocolate fudge caramel ... or something." p.25

Puckered love cave is being hotly debated on the interwebz. It might be from her original fan fiction.Having NOT read the book I can't honestly say if it is or isn't but seems about the same quality of writing as the confirmed quotes. But whether it is or isn't who ever penned those lines deserves a gold star for effort, or lack thereof.
I must say E.L James gave me the courage to submit my garbage on here and Sean Penn has now given me the impetus to keep on going.

Fake quote. 50SoG is terrible, but not quite that terrible: https://skeptics.stackexchange.com/...ce=google_rich_qa&utm_campaign=google_rich_qa

I'm well aware of that. As you can read I said it was being hotly disputed on the interwebz.

 

[lovecraft68]

Personally I don't see inspiration in the fact people who are barely literate have been published. I guess the thought process is that if they suck that bad and can get a book deal, there's hope.

There's not any hope. Their books were published because they knew people and had connections. Obviously Penn has had a long career and is a polarizing figure so sure go ahead, write a book.

As for James its a misconception she's some sort of lowly indy writer who caught a break. James was in the television industry and both her and her husband had made a lot of connections, enough to get someone to publish her crap bag rip off of twilight.

Its what or how well you write, or how poorly you write,its who you know.