Insecurities....

[Jewelz]

Yeah, those who know me, know very well that I am pretty much an insecure person who has very little self esteem.

My body image is the main reason for that. Yes, I am a BBW and yes, it is something that I have the power to change and believe me, I am trying. But while in the midst of trying, I still can not get passed the worries of "what if he is repulsed", "Will I be able to turn him on still"...etc etc.

Many times over he has reassured me that I have nothing to worry about nor fear. But its just 3 days away....I love him so very much and I want to be able to put this insecurity to rest. I do unfortunately fear losing him. And I dont like having those feelings of insecurity especially since he has told me over and over again to "STOP". I know he loves me with all that he is. He is one hell of a man. He is my everything. But my body just has me scared of rejection. Of repulsing him. Silly ...i know.

And he will just about kill me when he reads this thread. Baby...I trust you and believe in you and what you say to me. I am trying, I promise, I am trying to let go of this insecurity of mine. I think come Friday, hopefully it will be my moment to exhale and rid myself of these senseless worries.

Soo, any other BBWs out there care to give any advice on getting over that fear? Or anyone have advice on letting go of insecurity??

 

[KHAN-E]

"You Are So Beautiful"

All of us who know you here on Lit. know that you are a truly beautiful person. And the man you are meeting knows this, too.

Just be yourself, Jewelz!

You are one of the most sensuous, loving, giving people I know. Just let that inner beauty shine! It will show through any imperfections you may have.

I hate that the Madison Avenue demons have made all of us feel insecure because we don't look like the glamorous models of advertising. But we're real people! We look like real people! We love like real people!

May you have the best life has to offer. You deserve it.

 

[Jewelz]

Oh my gosh Connie...sweetheart you just brought me to tears. What a very beautiful post to read. I am so very humbled. Your words have deeply touched me. I will hold them close to my heart. Thank you!

I wish the greatest of love and life to you as well.

May your journeys be those of love, happiness, hope and inspiration!

 

[Lance Hardrock]

Connie said it better.

I want to echo what Connie said, honey. You are so sensuous, so loving, so giving and so beautiful. Just trust in yourself one tiny bit, baby and more importantly, trust in the man you're going to meet. He will most certainly see who you truly are. Your body is NOT you. You are you and you're one of the most beautiful people on this planet. And if that isn't enough, you'll knock him dead with that voice of yours.

I swear the birds stop singing out of respect and awe when you speak Jewelz. Just have the faith of a mustard seed as it says in the Bible. All will be yours.


I'm in your corner.

 

[SexyAmber]

Jewel,

Everyone is insecure in their own way. I am insecure alot of the time..I didn't spend all that money on a boob job because I felt good about myself. To this day, 1hotjob and I talk about what a kind, sincere person you are. Since your first post when you pm'ed me. Of course you are nervous to see him, that is natural and I have seen alot on these boards and this I know..He loves you...it is reflected in every word you exchange..it is reflected how you both carry yourself when the other is not around..with respect and concern over the other....how rare that is to find here

My mom always used to say..."I may not be perfect..but parts of me are amazing" it used to make me laugh and how true it is...

"Beauty is excrescence, superabundance, random ebulience, and sheer delightful waste to be enjoyed in its own right."
-- Donald Culross Peattie, An Almanac for Moderns

You possess all of those qualities and more. You are beauty. I am sorry for whoever in your life has made you believe that you aren't beautiful and worthy...but he sees it and so do I.

My Undying respect,
Amber

 

[Jewelz]

oh my gosh. just when i thought i had dried up all the tears here comes my sweet precious friend lance and the ever so radiant amber....

Im pretty much speechless. I am extremely moved by both of you and your support, kind words, and acceptance of who I am. You are so very right when you say to trust in him. I do. He has never given me doubt since the day we met and fell in love on the very first day. That is how amazing and powerful it is. I trust that he will look past the blemishes on my body, the cellulite, and experience all the love and passion I have for him to its fullest.

I am shyly hanging my head at the compliments. I hope people will know that I didnt make this thread to get praise. I really am scared, embarrassed if you will, of my body, and for him to see it up close and personal. Yes, he has seen me in my entirity through pics but it isnt the same as in the flesh. Although, he hasnt stopped telling me he thinks i am sexy and beautiful. my god he is amazing.

Amber, Im so glad that our love is that obvious to others. I do respect him and our relationship. I dont want to do anything that would jeopardize it. I have never been so sure of anything in my life. I have never felt love or known love like this before.

If I could just get passed feeling so very "ugly" on the outside. The echoing of my abusers voice haunts me. "You will never be good enough. No one will ever love you. You arent worth much. You cant do anything right." "you are an ugly person inside and out" "you wont ever make anyone happy".....

Lance sweetheart, you have me blushing with the bird comment. How very sweet of you.

Im just me, my darling friends. No more, no less.

Love you my friends. and thank you for seeing the real me through the outer shell. I shall cherish your beautiful words always!

 

[naughtygirl]

Hi Jewelz...

Hi Jewelz...I understand totally how you feel. I am trying to lose about 40 lbs now, was heavier at one point and weighed a lot less at another. So I characterize myself as a BBW. Weight is a struggle for me. But I have learned after years of therapy and dealing with my own demons of the past, that weight is not what makes a person. I know you have probably heard this all before and its all great to hear, but hard to digest.

People tell me often that I seem so confident, and we all know from my confessions that I am not at all like that at times. But a long time ago, I decided that my weight is not ME, that I am still sexy, beautiful and special all on my own. Wanting to lose weight is more of a health concern now, and not so much an image thing anymore. I decided that I love myself for all the good that I am and for all the "flaws". How I got there...well there is no magic solution...and that itself is a struggle. an honest to goodness everyday struggle! It took me not settling for less than I deserve which means respect for myself and demanding respect from others, the ability to say NO to other people, a constant barage of compliments in my head....lol ok a confession....I have the words "I love you" written in chalk on the wall above my bathroom mirror. I attempt to surround myself with people who are deep, meaningful souls and are not caught up in superficial things like looks or material goods. I attempt to date men who are mature and not disrepectful of women and do not see them merely as "toys". These are just a few of the things that I use......but I can consult with you on a whole list. The main thing that it boils down for me is: CHOICE...choosing to make my own beautiful wonderful experiences, choosing to be around people who make me feel good (as I do for them), choosing to forgive myself because damn, Im not perfect! (but who is???!!)

Let me tell you this, you are an amazing, BEAUTIFUL person who is extremely sensual....and I know that Phe thinks the exact same thing. Your weight does not define you Jewelz. You have the choice to determine the experiences you want for yourself. You are soooo beautiful and you only deserve beautiful experiences for yourself....no less than that Jewelz! Phe is one lucky man, and its very evident he realizes this...so hard as it is, let go of the insecurities, dont let them get in the way of your beautiful existence! I love you Jewelz!

NG

 

[Jewelz]

*deep breath*...you guys are really special, yanno that?

NG...you are so full of wisdom. You couldnt possibly know how much respect and awe I have for you.

You know, there are times that I am able to say "I love who I am on the inside. I am proud of who I am." But the insecurity of the outside makes me feel less of a woman. When I am making love, I feel very sexy and very sensual...I forget about the size until its all done. Then I fear the inevidable again. I look at pics of myself that show more of my body...and I dont like them at all. I am embarrassed. Then there are days that I take some of these face shots and think..yeah, i feel pretty. More often than not, I wonder what people really think about me. What is said behind my back about how fat i am. should it matter? no, but it doesnt lessen the pain of it. the weight isnt that easy to lose. i just pray that some day i can lose it.

Having the past haunt me and mix it with the fact that I was married for 8 years and with him for 14 years...and he only told me once that I was beautiful. That was only a few months ago. He has never told me I was sexy. He has never told me things he wanted to do to me. He has never made me feel that he was proud to be with me. He never put me down, ever. He never said anything about my weight....and he has seen me at a size 7 til the size i am now... but he has never made me feel good about me either. No, its not his responsibility to do that, but one would hope that their lover would make them feel desired, wanted and needed.

Thank you sweetheart for your love, support, encouragement and just for being so kind. Love you too!

 

[JennyOmanHill]

((((((((((Jewelz))))))))))

One of the greatest rewards of getting involved in a LDR is that it allows you to "see" the true beauty of the person rather than being influenced by what our eyes see.

You are expressing the same doubts I felt as Oman was flying to NYC back in February! (I had "alerted" him that I was actually 500 pounds, toothless and 150 years old! He told me he loved me anyway!)

My first look into his eyes erased any doubt that might have been lingering, and to see the love we already had for each other reflect back to me was the most incredible experience of my life!

Plus, bigger IS better! It sure gave him more to love!

 

[enjoyingitall]

Oh, sweetie..I could not let this thread pass by without adding my own thoughts for you.

I could repeat those wonderful things that Lance and Amber told you , or I could suggest that you just keep rereading them.

Every one of us has insecurities in some fashion. Doesn't mean you're weak, just means you're human with a few faults like the rest of us. Each of us has our own demon to expel concerning how we feel about our selves. There are a myriad of reasons why we might feel as we do. The funny thing is that if you took a poll here and asked "What main things don't you like about yourself?" we would all be surprised by others answers..That's because we see people and all their good qualities, while we tend to see the not so great ones in ourselves.

We all work on bettering ourselves, making those faults that we perceive less obvious to others. You do that so well. We hear you talk about your insecurities especially over your body and all of us..I know I can safely speak for all of us, don't see that at all..What we see is the woman you are, full of charm. All of those special qualities you have allow us to see you and we love what we see.

In the short time that I've come to know you, I have felt so drawn to your warmth and goodness. You exude those qualities. You show your sexy, sensuous side to us often and we love that about you, too.


Once again..I'll tell ya to take that deep breath and get ready to exhale on Friday. It's gonna happen for you..this is you turn...you hear that..IT IS YOUR TURN FOR HAPPINESS NOW.





Lots of hugs to you.
E.

 

[Don K Dyck]

Lucky Girl Jewelz

Have you read this thread? So how can so many people be wrong about you?? These friends know your many faults and love you anyway. Don't you think that it's about time you started to love yourself too?

Emotional distance is further than the stars, so let go of the longing and plan the future you want 'cos only then it will happen. Learn from the past, live in the present and plan for YOUR future. Have a great interest in YOUR FUTURE, you are going to spend the rest of your life there, so make it the way YOU want it, NOW.

Worry is interest paid on something that might never happen. If all he sees is the surface then he's missing the best part inside, the warm, loving, joyful person who is part of the Lit family and intrigues us all with her quirky, fun approach to life.

Let go of the fear, it is an unwanted burden, so put it down. The man can't be that insensitive, otherwise you wouldn't be mooning over him.

You seem like the eaglet, standing on the edge of the roost, flapping their wings, fearful of jumping. Only by trusting themselves and letting go can the eaglet soar to the heights of their potential.

Lots of Hugs.

 

[Jewelz]

Jenny, E and Don.........*HUGS* and thank you from the bottom of my heart. You all have helped give me some strength to let go somewhat. I cant wait to be able to exhale come Friday. I know it will be beautiful and I know it absolutely will amaze me ...(cant imagine how much more the man could amaze me but he manages to do it all the time).

E..love you lots!

 

[ShiningEyes]

Babygirl, you are one of many that feel the same!!! I'm more than willing to admit that I'm a lil insecure. I take to heart what people say tho. And right now, I have more people telling me I look good than more saying I don't. lol I've had to discard 2 friends yesterday because they weren't worth my time and tried putting me down. I don't need them. I need positive friends in my life!!!!!

You have nothing to be insecure about! And I know!!! Easier said than done! lol He loves you and he wouldn't trade you for anything! Neither would I or any of us here!!!!! We all love you in different ways! I can't say this enough, but You've been one of the biggest influences in my life!!!!!!!!! You've given me friendship when no one else would!!! And you've been there when I needed you and when I didn't! I love you very much!!!!!

The fact still remains tho that I would love to lick you from head to toe, make you grin from ear to ear and then make you shake uncontrolable as numerous orgasms run thru your body!!!!!!!!
But that's just a burning desire!!!!!

 

[lovemetender]

Jewelz...I've read all the excellent responses so I won't repeat all that...I'll just say

JUST GO FOR IT!!!

 

[Jewelz]

ohhh SE darlin!! LOL you have me laughing out loud with that last part!! I am so flattered that I am still of desire to you

and thank you for your kind words. you know they mean alot to me. and being there for you was just being what a friend is spose to do. its nothing extraordinary. *HUGS*... Love ya too!

 

[Jewelz]

Ohh Tender man!!! Thanks!!!!!!!!! And I WILL!!!!!!!!

Seriously, the love and support and encouragement from this thread alone has really made me feel good and ready to face him friday. Not to mention HIS love and HIS words to me in private. Its going to be the best time of my life. I know it. The only bad thing is I have to say "goodbye" come tuesday........that will be very hard. I am missing him already!!!

 

[ShiningEyes]

ohhh SE darlin!! LOL you have me laughing out loud with that last part!! I am so flattered that I am still of desire to you

and thank you for your kind words. you know they mean alot to me. and being there for you was just being what a friend is spose to do. its nothing extraordinary. *HUGS*... Love ya too!

*raises eyebrow* And who in the world wouldn't want you????
Tell them to cum speak to me and Sorta!! lmao they need their heads examined!!!!! You are very beautiful, talented(not just sexually), have a wonderful personality, and you more than you should put others in front of yourself. You are a wonderful person!!! The only ones that don't want you are the ones that should be locked up!!! I'm the only exception to that because I do want you but I should still be locked up!!!!!!! LMAO

Jewelz, to me and all i've been thro, what you've done just because of our friendship and because you care so much, it feels and is extraordinary!!!!! I love you babygirl!!!

 

[Jewelz]

*raises eyebrow* And who in the world wouldn't want you????
Tell them to cum speak to me and Sorta!! lmao they need their heads examined!!!!! You are very beautiful, talented(not just sexually), have a wonderful personality, and you more than you should put others in front of yourself. You are a wonderful person!!! The only ones that don't want you are the ones that should be locked up!!! I'm the only exception to that because I do want you but I should still be locked up!!!!!!! LMAO

Jewelz, to me and all i've been thro, what you've done just because of our friendship and because you care so much, it feels and is extraordinary!!!!! I love you babygirl!!!

LOL...

Dont make me cry! Thank you hon for being so sweet. Im so very flattered!!!

 

[ShiningEyes]

LOL...

Dont make me cry! Thank you hon for being so sweet. Im so very flattered!!!

Being sweet is who I am! I'm nothing special. Just Beth!
And I'm glad your flattered!!
As long as they are tears of joy and happiness!!!

 

[Jewelz]

Being sweet is who I am! I'm nothing special. Just Beth!
And I'm glad your flattered!!
As long as they are tears of joy and happiness!!!

They are. I have never been so humbled by so many people. I wasnt expecting such compliments...just looking for advice to get over my insecurities.......ya'll are awesome!

 

[RawHumor]

A Poem for Jewelz

You should feel lucky. You're the first one to get a second poem dedication.


*pauses, awaiting a moment of inspiration...*

I dedicate this poem to Jewelz
A lit friend I hold quite dear
May her big moment bring happy endings
Something for us all to cheer

May they share a wonderful hello kiss
And fall in love again when they meet
May their first night be never-ending
I hope she's got some spare sheets

I'm sure the bed will get sticky
And there's bound to be a big mess
I hope that he learns from Bill Clinton
And won't leave a stain on your dress.


Thank you! I'll be here all week!

Okay, actually today's my last day this week, but I'll be back on Monday.

 

[1sexylady]

SISSYGIRL.......

Your a beautiful girl inside and out....stop it...he loves you for you and thats mean all of you....relax and have fun...besides if he is not turned on by you then it is him not you...

I love ya Sissygirl..

 

[Jewelz]

Re: A Poem for Jewelz

You should feel lucky. You're the first one to get a second poem dedication.


*pauses, awaiting a moment of inspiration...*

I dedicate this poem to Jewelz
A lit friend I hold quite dear
May her big moment bring happy endings
Something for us all to cheer

May they share a wonderful hello kiss
And fall in love again when they meet
May their first night be never-ending
I hope she's got some spare sheets

I'm sure the bed will get sticky
And there's bound to be a big mess
I hope that he learns from Bill Clinton
And won't leave a stain on your dress.


Thank you! I'll be here all week!

Okay, actually today's my last day this week, but I'll be back on Monday.

ROFLOLOL!!!!!!!!! omg! you are a riot! and i am so lucky to have your friendship! you are really the next best thing to a big brother a girl could ever have!! thank you for making me smile darlin! and your well wishes mean ALOT to me!

 

[Jewelz]

Re: SISSYGIRL.......

Your a beautiful girl inside and out....stop it...he loves you for you and thats mean all of you....relax and have fun...besides if he is not turned on by you then it is him not you...

I love ya Sissygirl..

aww sexysissy! i love you too! and thanks! ya'll are so right...i am feeling better this morning.....

having all the support really helps! and of course........his own support and reassurance.

 

[Don K Dyck]

Live in today, plan for tomorrow.

Ohh Tender man!!! Thanks!!!!!!!!! And I WILL!!!!!!!!

The only thing is I have to say "goodbye" come tuesday........that will be very hard. I am missing him already!!!

*****

Jewelz, enough!! You have four days to enjoy him and enjoy each other. Stop flagellating yourself with what-ifs and other negative mind talk!! Do you want to turn him, and yourself, off??

Think positive. On Friday you begin four days of wonderful exploration. Enjoy the adventure, live it to the full, cherish every moment by living it as YOU want, rather than worrying about the times after.

When a person has a dream, the world goes out of its way to help make it happen. So dream big! Very BIG!!!

Hugs, Don