inquiry

[tiffanyc]

I WAS WONDERING IF ANYONE HAS EXPERIENCED SOMETHING SIMILAR AND HAD SOME FEEDBACK. I AM FAIRLY NEW TO EVEN THE DISCUSSION OF BDSM... I AM FINDING IT VERY INTRIGUING AND ALSO EXCITING. I HAVEN'T BEEN INTRODUCED TO THIS TYPE OF LIFESTYLE BY ANY PAST BOYFRIENDS (MAYBE ON A VERY LOW LEVEL HAD A FEW EXPERIENCES, SUMMED IT UP TO FOREPLAY). I WANT TO PLAY AND HAVE SOME FUN WITH IT, NOT REALLY LOOKING FOR THE WHOLE BDSM SPECTRUM...... SO THIS IS MY QUESTION

CAN YOU TURN A MAN INTO A DOMINANT? ARE THOSE TYPE OF MEN JUST NATURALLY DOMINATING?
THERE IS A MAN I WANT TO BE SUBMISSIVE TO SEXUALLY AND I HAVE TALKED TO HIM ABOUT IT ALREADY BUT IM VERY VAGUE AND GENERALIZE ALOT. SO I THINK HE IS CONFUSED.. OR U JUST CAN'T MAKE SOMEONE BE LIKE THAT, CAN YOU?

CAN ANYONE POSSIBLY HELP????????
THANKS

 

[hurtme]

lol...if only it were possible...
I tend to believe that we are all doms or subs, or switches...even if we don't know it.
If you wanted to go into this slowly, you could start showing him pictures or magazines or videos with a BDSM theme, see if that does anythign for him...have conversations about it, etc..
I however, don't do well with sublety...so I would just sit him down and say "hey, i have been reading up on _____, and i am really interested, i think we would both enjoy this because ______, so if you think you might want to read up on it, here you go" at which point, i, personally would point him in the direction of lit...but hey, thats just me, and no one ever said i had good people skills...

 

[Mistress K]

I agree with hurtme in the fact that I too believe that we are what we are (be that Dom/Sub/Switch) without even realising it.

My girlfriend and I had only been together a very short time when the Dom/Sub situation first appeared. I was simply talking dirty to her when things got a bit heavy and she really started getting into it so I just went with what felt right. Neither of us had discussed it before and i'd never been a Domme to any of my previous partner or a sub for that matter. We discussed it later on and found a mutual interest in the "game" and have continued with it ever since.

Just talk to him about it like hurtme said and if talking to him about it doesn't get you anywhere it may be that he either isn't interested or feels that it's not "in him" to play a Dom.

 

[FungiUg]

Hmmm.

I'm going to propose a slightly different view. I see people as being able to be dominant and submissive in many roles. But not all people are naturally dominant, or naturally submissive. Just as not all people are naturally flamboyant, or naturally calculating, or...

There are many different personality traits. We all have elements of all of those traits, but the dominant traits are what we find "natural". Some people just naturally take charge, some people just naturally follow and serve.

Unfortunately, trying to change someone into one thing or another is almost impossible, unless they in turn want to change. Even there, it may not work.

So unless someone is naturally dominant, I wouldn't look to push him (or her) into the role of a Dominant.

 

[ghosst_K&H]

There are many different personality traits. We all have elements of all of those traits, but the dominant traits are what we find "natural". Some people just naturally take charge, some people just naturally follow and serve.

i'd have to disagree with this statement, i am dominant, and take charge outside of home, but extremely submissive at home with my Dommes.

my job entails me having to take charge, be in total control, and get the job done, whatever it takes. yet at home it takes one look from one of my Dommes, and i am ready to drop to my knees.

the question posted was if you could turn a non Dom/me into a Dom/me, in my opinion, and past experience....no.

Dominating another person takes something special, and not everyone is "wired" for the job.

i'm not saying it can't be done, but i believe the person must already know inside that they possess this personality trait.

 

[FungiUg]

i'd have to disagree with this statement, i am dominant, and take charge outside of home, but extremely submissive at home with my Dommes.

Interesting, because I read that as agreeing with that I was saying.

For someone like you, you have dominant and submissive traits both. In your work, you naturally take control and organise. A form of dominance. Sexually and in intimate relationship, you enjoy being controlled. A form of submission.

So you have both of those traits -- and you have chosen a way fo fulfilling them both. Which is certainly admirable.

I think the problem is with the phrase "dominant traits" -- I should have used the phrase "prevalent traits" instead, to avoid confusion with dominance and submission.

*chuckle*

 

[gregor2001us]

personal account

I think that it is useful to go slowly and patiently with this type of endeavor. Also to allow them to find their own way, rather than feeding them too many ideas. A very good web site on this subject ( getting someone into a dominant role) is Akasha's. Just do a search on Akasha and when you get there scroll down until you find her guide.

For me she says something very profound about how to explore this area.

For me, I already knew I was a sub. Had experimented already and new that that was where my head was at. But my wife was not very comfortable with the idea. But she was willing to try things after I woukd discuss them openly and just make the suggestion. This went on over time, but I felt like I was in control, not my desire at all, LOL.

But after reading Akasha, I thought about it and it actually resonated very strongly with me from the start. And so I shifted my suggestions to more vague ones and only provided them in terms of relating my fantasies to her, with no real expectation of her following through. Slowly she has found it more and more fun to be dominant, and has been coming up with her own ideas and twists to things. And I have found that there is nothing hotter for me than when she comes up with her own ideas!!!
I just melt inside.

So give him is space and let him find his own way as much as you can. Hope this helps!

gregor

 

[s'lara]

i love the "how to make an Insta-Dom" questions because to be honest, the first response to that question should be, "What makes you think this person wants to dominate you simply because you want it?"

First problem is being vague. Blowing smoke and dancing around the subject leads to frustration on both parts. If you want your kink in the bedroom, particularly of the dominance type, say so. Otherwise, find a play partner who is into the level of D/s you are looking for and happy trails.

If your current partner is willing, being straight forward with him will help and maybe he will be game for what you need. Finally, please be careful and very clear about what it is you want. Good luck.

lara

 

[Quint]

i love the "how to make an Insta-Dom" questions because to be honest, the first response to that question should be, "What makes you think this person wants to dominate you simply because you want it?"

lara

"How do I get my partner to do what I want him to?" does sound like an odd question from a submissive, doesn't it?

(I can only tease so far, though...I think one of my first posts here was asking an approximate question for my previous relationship.)

 

[Mr Blonde]

CAN YOU TURN A MAN INTO A DOMINANT? ARE THOSE TYPE OF MEN JUST NATURALLY DOMINATING?

I think there is some sort of scale. Some people are more dominant than others.

You can take people with medium scores and create situations where they can be dominant. And feel comfortable about their role.

But all of that aside, the odds that you can somehow transform a typical person into a real dominant is fairly remote. He might tie you up or spank you, but it will not really be D/s...just him going along with your requests.

 

[FallnAngel224]

hmm... it seems that I am having a similar problem. I am a sub, I've had little experience, however, i do know that reading stories where women are dominated turn me on more than any others.

I have expressed my interests to my fiance, however, I wonder if there is anyway that i could almost teach him to take the initiative more. He enjoys taking control, however, he doesn't seems to take it far enough. I don't like telling/asking him to do specific things, because then I feel like I am too much in charge.

Is there any where I can point him for more ideas?

 

[FungiUg]

Is there any where I can point him for more ideas?

To be honest, I'd suggest the following:

1. Point him at some erotica or porn where a man is dominating women (fancy... here we are at Literotica! Handy!)

2. Discuss it. Talk about mutual fantasies, and find out what he wants, what turns him on. And... do it for him. Get him used to you pleasuring him and doing whatever he wants.

I think the second step is really important. What makes a relationship work is communication, so get it out in the open, tell him what you want, and then find out what he wants. Between the two of you, find a solution that works for you both.

Good luck!

 

[WriterDom]

Men were basically castrated by the feminist movement of the last 40 years. Even within the lesbians, dominance was a big no-no until some spoke up and said, "Hey, we like this stuff." So there is a lot of conditioning he might have to work through.

On the other side of the coin, there is also abuse, which is more prevalent than we want to admit. If he has seen that, or experienced that, it's another barrier to overcome. You have to explain that you both will feel better after the experience, not worse.