Innocence

[surrenderedfaith]

Innocence​

One of the most important conversations I ever had with my first Sir was regarding the concept of cyclical patterns in my life. I've been in several very unusual yet remarkably similar situations in my life. There are some traumas I've lived through in my life, not once, but multiple times. When I was discussing one instance with him that he had, until then, been unaware of (that is strange as he has been in and around my life since I was 18... so for him to know that this had happened while he existed completely unbeknownst to him was very hard for him to hear) I was repeating exactly how stupid I felt about the circumstance. I was repeating how clearly I should have seen it coming. He stopped me and asked me what command #1 was... command #1 was "I will learn to accept credit and place blame where it truly belongs". He stopped me and said "that's right *name*. You were not stupid. You were innocent. Your innocence is what is so special about you. It took me a very long time to come to terms with this. La Chica actually is the one who helped me to understand. (a woman he was friends with at the time we were in college, of whom I was very wary.) Over the course of the next hour he had me sit down on the floor of my living room while he explained that he had originally been angry with me and frustrated that I never seemed to "learn' from my "mistakes"; that I kept walking the same path with very little alteration to my own behavior. He said that he had ranted and raved to La Chica about it, and she had sat him down, just as he was now doing me and explained that this was not a fault or failing. That quite the opposite, it was an incredible strength. She asked him what was "innocence?" He struggled to define it, as did I when he asked me. The first instinct is to say it is "lack of knowledge" but that is ignorance. So then "the lack of worldly knowledge" this is naivety. After much batting back and forth the definition came to be "the sincere and deeply held belief that people and the world are innately good and safe" This is usually what is murdered by life, time, age, and experience. The negative experiences we all face in life, either by our own creation, or what is done to us rob us of this innocence masquerading in the guise of "knowledge". We learn to be guarded, jaded, distrustful, withholding. We "learn" to keep ourselves safe from the hurt, and the damage but not repeating our "mistakes". In so doing though we also then walk into situations with our guards and shields up. We look at people with skepticism and force them to jump through hoops to prove they are zebras not horses. In doing so... we rob them of their innocence by assumption, all in the name of self preservation and wisdom.

That is not to say I'm intentionally blind to the dangers around , and the snakes and traps. I'm not blind. I just don't assume they await. I maintain myself and my innocence and joy until and unless it is proven that I need to take care of the person standing in front of me. I constantly make those connections between past and future... but this is where I have an intentional disconnect... not entirely unlike someone who goes to the movies and gets caught up in the plot. One part of your mind is very aware of the fact you sit in a theater watching a screen and these are characters not real people and situations... yet for that moment in time you suspend that knowledge... but it in a box and allow yourself to get caught up and invested. I do the same...
La Chica had explained that, for whatever reason, either intentionally or by nature, I hold onto my innocence tightly. That these negative and hurtful experiences do not paint the future for me. That it takes strength to put those damages where they belong, squarely back on the person who visited them on me, and move forward untarnished, untainted, unjaded. It took me a while to process what he said, and decide if it had validity or not. It is absolutely accurate. It has been something since then that I have made a point to be cognizant of. I have learned to be aware of when I'm allowing my innocence to rule me... and I'm also cognizant of the warning lights, sirens, and red flags that exist in the boxes in the closet. I'm capable of opening those boxes when needed... and it can be very disconcerting to the person who had prior to that been afforded my innocence to then face the moat, the robot, and the fire breathing dragon that can and will guard me from them if they make it necessary. My walls can go up just as hard and as high as any other 35 year old woman's. My door slams just as hard (look up INFJ door slam if you have any doubt. )I've done it 5 times in my life.
So why do I hang on to my innocence so tightly? Why is this important to me? What does it have to do with D/s?
I dont think anyone given the definition up there, can argue that innocent is the default natural state of us. It is who we started out to be.
Very few would argue that we should not strive to be our most healthy, happy, whole, complete versions of ourselves for our partner. For the sake of this concept I'm setting aside those who enjoy "breaking" their partner to "remake them" and those who prefer to fix broken things. Rather, I seek to discuss the people who desire a positive growth minded lifestyle approach to D/s. For those people, we want to be our absolute best for our P/person. One of the responsibilities of a P/partner is to care for the self. On the dominant side: you can not care for your submissive if you are not first capable of taking care of yourself. For the submissive: you can not and should not put more weight on your Dominant than is necessary. The onus of self care to the very best of your ability is on you. For me, that not only includes physical health, but also emotional and mental health. I believe we are born emotionally and mentally healthy and whole. It is our life experiences that sully this over time. Innocence, for me, is part of that. So to me, it is my Dominant's right to have that innocence in tact as much as is humanly possible. Yes, there will be scars and stripes that I've taken from the past... we all have them. I dont live in a bubble, far from. But he shouldn't have to constantly pay for the mistakes of others. He should get my joy, my trust, my love, my passion given freely and with abandon. I seek to give him my child like wonder and exuberance. I dont want to walk with faltering steps looking at the ground for the cracks and the potholes that I expect to laty in wait to trip me... I want to run full throttle into His waiting arms; jumping into them both of us grinning and laughing not caring WHO is around to see or judge. He deserves that. I deserve it too. I deserve His freely given joy, His unhindered smile, His unguarded trust, and His uninhibited passion. I deserve a Man who has not allowed His experiences to jade him. He who hangs on to His own innocence. He won't be waiting for the next shoe to drop. He isnt giving in measured amount of His love and affection afraid of being let down.

Please please take 4 minutes from your day to watch this one video. If I have ever done ONE THING that mattered to you. If you have read one thing I've ever written that made you smile, or think, or relate to another person... please... watch this one video. I promise it will not be a waste of your time. Thank you.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Si7gLo_dMqg
~Faith
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
This Innocence~
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8xoG0Xv3vs0
Return to Innocence:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rk_sAHh9s08
Faith Like a Child:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=saEC5g2TDgA
Faith Like a Child:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vpVgSj3TI3g​